CRAZY LUNATIC EXPERIMENTS
Summary: Hermione's aunt has been called to Hogwarts as she needs lots of children to be her 'guinea pigs' and of course, only Dumbledore is nice enough to let someone experiment with his students . . .
HERMIONE'S POV, BUT NARRATED BY ME ~ THE AUTHOR!!!!
WHOEVER GAVE ME SUGGESTIONS, YOU MAY NOTICE YOURS IN THIS CHAPTER, FORGOT WHO ACTUALLY GAVE ME THAT PARTICULAR SUGGESTION/S!!!
SORRY FOR THE LOOOOOOOOOOONG WAIT!!!! MY INTERNET BUGGERED UP ON ME!!!! As you all should know . . .
LOVELY THANKS TO ALL OF THE FOLLOWING:
Happigolucki616 ~ Thanks!! I don't mind that you didn't review the other one, you reviewed this one!!! Which is all that should matter!!! I am so happy that you think it's hilarious, actually, funny isn't the word!!! Lol, I was never good with my vocab. nevermind . . . thanks for reviewing and the compliments as well!!! (Thanks for hoping I'd get the Internet back too ^.~)
Loah ~ Like always, you have absolutely no idea how happy you liking the chapter and fic makes me!!! You like Ron too??? SO DO I!!!! (Hold on, I just stated the obvious, I mean, look at my name, duh!!) Lol, sorry, I'm kinda dim when I'm hyper.
harryforeva ~ Thanks so much for reviewing once again, I can't thank you enough!! Here's the next one, I hope you enjoy this as much as the other one, or hopefully even more!!!
Fluff ~ Long but it was good, I think. You'll recommend it?? YAY!!! Aw that is so nice of you, I'll try and recommend your fic too, at the end of this chappie!!! (If anyone's listening) The fat thing is always a right nerve to hit with Draco . . . as for the longer time update thing, I don't know, depends when I finish it really. Thanks so much for reviewing, the compliments EVERYTHING, you are awfully nice!!!!!
Babmidnight ~ Lol, thanks, I didn't really know it was 'cute', thanks for reviewing and I hope you enjoy this chapter!!!
Some12 ~ Thanks for the review and I actually think it was longer than twelve pages I typed, I'm not sure . . . I'm glad you liked it so much, and thanks SO much for that idea, I will use that one, that's a promise!!! What I have planned I cannot give away, as all should know, you'll just have to carry on and find out!!! SO, SOOOO sorry about the long wait on the update, I'll update the next chapter ASAP!!
Someonelse ~ Thank you very much!!! I hope this chapter will be just as funny, fingers crossed!!! I don't know whether it is, which is why I need my reviewers to tell me!!! (In a nice way of course) Thanks again!!!
Klee_babe ~ Thanks, YAY it's funny and not just weird, or was that the other one you reviewed that you thought was weird? I can't remember but I hope you read this chapter and you'll like it!!!!
Smileyface1314 ~ Lol, I hope this one is just as funny as the last, although I seriously doubt it! I don't know whether people should make fun of Hermi, I mean, people at Hogwarts are quite nice aren't they? Anyway, lol on your dad!!! Show him this note to you because I'm telling him now THAT I TOLD YOU TO EAT THE COOKIE, HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Voldie on Varsity track ~ to be perfectly honest, I have no idea whether I've used one of your suggestions - my mind is blank!!! Lol, that suggestion you put just made me crack up when I read it, one because Aunt Emi is married to Hermione's uncle (which makes her a aunt) and she's not a lesbian!!!! But it was a very nice suggestion, thanks!!!!
Burgundyred ~I LOVE YOU!!! (Don't take that too seriously) I'm so happy you're reviewing both my ficcys!!! That is so nice, I especially love this fic because I can use lots of exclamation marks, HAHA!!!! Lol, sorry about that.
Plaidly Lush ~ Yes . . . well . . . the title of this fic does say a lot huh? Thanks for the review!
ANON. 327 ~ Lol, okay . . . that's nice, but RON ROCKS HARD COR!! I love him, I really do, but not enough to interfere with my REAL life, so that I seem daft. You didn't exactly comment, but it was nice of you to review anyway.
Eventuality ~ Thanks so much, and I hope you like this chapter, I have tried! Please review after you've read this!
NO SPOILERS HERE.
CHAPTER SIX: ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!!!!!!!!!!!!
DISCLAIMER: Me no speak English, even if I typed many fics that are English and am speaking English now, I don't speak English - DON'T SUE ME. J.K.Rowling good English woman who owns Potter Harry, plot tis mine, sue who takes plot!!
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Hermione's alarm clock started to beep at exactly 7:30am. She groaned and rolled around. Using the pillow to cover her head, Hermione tried to get more sleep.
"GRANGER!!!!!!!!! SHUT THAT STUPID ALARM OFF NOW!"
Hermione groaned as she put her hands over her pillow to further deafen the surrounding noise (now from the alarm clock AND a certain blonde git that was shouting at her). A bang made Hermione's head shoot up, flipping the pillow onto the floor. She could feel herself levitate off her bed, her head hitting the roof of the four-poster.
"Wha -
Hermione looked up dreamily and gasped as she saw that the whole of the Hogwarts Lake was around her, even below her. She twisted her head round to see a smirking Draco, his wand pointing straight at her.
"Granger, don't look down."
Having said that, he made her flip upside down using his wand so that she had no choice BUT to look down - how did he know Hermione was scared of heights?
"AAAAHHHHHHHH!! MALFOY LET ME DOWN FROM HERE!! MAAAAALFOY!!"
Hermione closed her eyes to calm herself, this was the reason why she had never played quidditch before . . .
"Now, now Granger, what way to ask someone to put them down! If I did, you'd just drop straight into the lake with a plop. I'd understand if you want to be cold, wet and drippy though."
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!"
"Maybe I'll consider putting you safely back into the room if you said . . . . Malfoy is the greatest man alive?? Oh wait, Draco Malfoy is the greatest man alive and is the sexiest too!!!! That would do brilliantly."
"NOOOOOOO!!!!"
"Say it or you're going down Missy."
"DRACO MALFOY IS THE GREATEST MAN ALIVE AND IS THE SEXIEST TOO!!!!"
"Louder now."
"DRACO MALFOY IS THE GREATEST MAN ALIVE AND IS THE SEXIEST TOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Better."
'Great,' Hermione thought, 'I'm hanging out of my bedroom window, over a gigantic lake, and people who have decided to skip breakfast and are heading to their lessons are now staring at me and someone who I think is related to Colin Creevey has started to take pictures . . . just FANTASTIC. Just be thankful Hermione that you're wearing pyjama pants and not a nightgown . . .'
"Now say . . . Potter wets himself and Weasley is a gay twat."
"NOOOOO, I SAID WHAT YOU WANTED NOW LET ME DOWN!!!!!"
"Tut, tut, tut Granger, is that anyway to talk to Draco Malfoy, the greatest man alive and the sexiest too, after all, you said it yourself."
"ARRRRRRRGH!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, HELPPPPPPPPP MEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!"
"No one can save you Granger, my dear little mudblood, now SAY IT, and be good."
"POTTER WETS HIMSELF AND WEASLEY IS A GAY TWAT!!!!!!!!"
Hermione could now hear people giggling from below and she could dizzily (due to the blood rushing to her head) see people pointing up at her, their books lay forgotten on the floor as they continued to stare at the amazingly levitating bushy blob.
"That's a good girl . . .now say DRACO MALFOY IS IN NO WAY GAY."
"UNFAIR!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Granger, if you don't listen to me, you'll fall straight into the nice, cold, freezing lake."
"DRACO MALFOY IS IN NO WAY GAY!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Draco Malfoy is in no way fat."
"DRACO MALFOY IS IN NO WAY FAT!!!!!!!!!"
"I love Draco Malfoy and have done ever since I laid eyes on his gorgeous self!!!!!!!"
"I LOVE DRACO MALFOY AND HAVE DONE EVER SINCE I LAID EYES ON HIS GORGEOUS SELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Hold on, listeniano, now everyone from 100 miles around can hear you."
Hermione groaned, people were now whispering as well as giggling and just laughing out loud, and now even more people had gathered below her (she may have been over the lake, but there was a giant field that led to the lake from Hogwarts and her room just had to be that patch of lake that was nearest to that field of grass). To top it all off, Harry had now stuck his head out of the giant window in his room and was staring at her, his eyebrows knotted together.
"Now say it Granger, or your St. Potter can't even save you."
"I LOVE DRACO MALFOY AND HAVE DONE EVER SINCE I LAID EYES ON HIS GORGEOUS SELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
She screamed the whole sentence as quickly as she could, but from the burst of laughter below her and Harry's shocked face, she knew that everyone had heard it quickly enough. As she felt and saw, herself levitate back into the room, she knew that she was bright red - from the sudden blood rushing to her head and the embarrassment of announcing her new 'love' to the entire school.
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Hermione was absolutely fuming by the time she had reached number 13 of the muggle studies area. Ron and Harry had left without her and she had had to walk down there with sneers from all the Slytherin people, telling her that Draco would never go out with her in a million years, and that she should die for all he cared. Hermione couldn't do anything but put up with this, but what hurt her the most was what the people from the other houses had said to her, especially the people from Gryffindor, calling her a traitor and such. Draco, of course, found the utmost pleasure in it all.
Hermione didn't even get any peace when she was eating breakfast, as the Slytherin's there (including Pansy and Blaise, Blaise the one that you just had to feel sorry for) were all making fun of her 'dangling-out-of-the- window' incident that morning. She banged her head on the table extra hard.
"Excuse me Miss?"
A young wizard with long brown hair tapped Hermione on the shoulder. He was also in a white coat and wearing professional looking glasses (you know Legolas from Lord of the Rings? He looks like him, except with glasses and brown hair instead of blonde). Hermione made no reaction, not a twitch, not anything. It was like she was dead or something. The young wizard turned to Draco.
"Excuse me Mister, is she your partner, I need to know what she has eaten today."
"Why?"
"To see whether the food has anything to do with her performance in the warm up and experiments that she shall be doing today."
"Why?"
"Why what? Why we have to know whether it has anything to do with the food?? Mainly because it is for Dr. Granger's studies, to see if what you eat has anything to do with learning performance. It has been done, yes, but we are going to investigate further into it than just cereal and calcium etc."
"Why?"
"Why what? Why you are asking why is totally unexplainable to me, care you to make me relieved of my confusion?"
"Why?"
"Why should you explain? Because all these why's are making me confused!"
"Why?"
"Why what? I simply cannot understand you."
"Wh -
Draco couldn't even finish his why as Hermione had leapt from across the table and started to strangle him - hard. (The scene was much like how Homer strangles Bart in the Simpsons, except I'm sure you'll agree that Hermione is much prettier than Homer, even if she isn't a lovely beauty queen, actually, I PRAY that you'll agree with me on that one) Draco's head could now be seen as a blue 'thing', while Hermione was as red as a beetroot.
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"Hermione dear let go of the young gentleman!!!!!!"
"GENTLEMAN MY ARSE, THIS IS ONE GAY, FAT, STUPID, ANNOYING, IDIOTIC, IGNORANT, POSH, SNOBBY, UPSTUCK, JERK OF A BASTA -
"Well Hermione, he can't help being what he is. Can't you like him for who he really is?"
"THE FACT IS I DON'T LIKE HIM!!!!!! HE IS SUCH A JERK, HE BLOODY DANGLED ME FROM OUR BEDROOM WINDOW THIS MORNING FOR GOD'S SAKE!!!!"
"Calm down now Miss, no need to resort to murder, what can you do anyway?"
" . . . Let . . . go . . . of . . . jerk's . . . neck . . . would . . . be . . . an . . . idea."
Draco choked out between gasps for air, his face looking more demented than he would ever want it to look. His words of 'wisdom' did no good as Hermione only strangled him harder.
"Whoohoo!!!!!!! Go Hermione!!!!! Girl power!!!" Ron cheered as he stuffed another pumpkin pasty down his throat, resulting in a choking fit.
". . . Granger . . ."
"Malfoy, say, I AM A GAY TWAT."
"I . . . am . . . a . . . gay . . . twat."
"I AM A GAY AND FAT DWEEB."
"Hehe . . . you . . . just . . . said . . . you're . . . a . . . gay . . . and . . . fat . . . dweeb . . ."
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!"
Hermione's grip on Draco's neck got tighter and tighter and tighter and tighter and tighter and tighter and tighter and tighter and tighter and tighter and tighter and tighter and tighter and tighter and tighter and tighter and tighter and tighter and tighter and tighter and tighter and tighter and tighter and tighter and tighter and tighter and tighter and tighter and tighter and tighter and tighter and tighter . . . . until Draco found his wand in his robe pocket and stuck it in her chest.
The strangling stopped . . . for a while anyway. They glared hard at each other, willing one of them to move first. It was a matter of waiting really, Draco waiting for Hermione to let go of his neck so he could mutter a curse, Hermione waiting for Draco to stop pointing his wand at her so she could continue to strangle him, shame that they were both not stupid enough to move.
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"Go left!!"
"No, right!!!"
"I said, left!!!"
"AND I SAID RIGHT!!!"
"BUT IT'S LEFT!!"
The two were of course bickering, AGAIN. But this time it was over which way to move. Of course you may be wondering why they didn't just move their separate ways, or even wondering whether Hermione managed to strangle Draco, or vice versa except with a wand. Well the truth was, neither of them managed to kill each other, for at that moment, Snape stormed into the breakfast room and had cast a spell known to all standard wizards and witches as a 'double body binding spell' that tied an invisible robe tightly around the stomach and hands of the two nearest people that the spell was aimed at, in this case, Hermione and Draco (it didn't help that they were tied together, facing each other either). That should have explained BOTH situations, now it was the warm up and the task at hand would have been quite simple, had they not been tied together.
Once again, Serena and Dr Granger were in charge of them, and the warm up was supposed to be for two people, one at a time. The person would have to find himself or herself out of a real life maze, and whoever had the quickest time to get out was the winner (of course the person who went second was blindfolded as to not cheat by looking at how the first person did it).
Hermione and Draco, however, could not be timed separately, therefore, they were both given a harder life size maze than any other pair as they were expected to work together to get out - the problem here is the word TOGETHER.
"Granger, I said LEFT."
"Fine, we'll go left."
"No, I think I'll go right."
"Malfoy are you doing this deliberately to annoy me? BECAUSE IT SURE IS WORKING SO YOU CAN QUIT IT NOW!!!!!!" Hermione spat in Draco's face. He frowned and looked upset. 'Could it be possible that the great Draco Malfoy was having - dare she think it - FEELINGS?????'
"Ew mudblood, you got mudblood spit on me! GET THE DISINFECTANT!!!!!!"
'Thought too soon . . .'
"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!"
Hermione tried to move her hands to grasp the young ferret's scrawny neck, but as they were tied, she couldn't and it only resulted in a giant tumble and stumble thing, meaning in normal language, Hermione collapsing onto Draco.
"Mudblood you're squashing me, get up.'
"If I could do that, I would have by now." She muttered through gritted teeth as she struggled to try and get back on her feet. As Draco had so gracefully put it, the fact that she was SQUASHING him didn't help in the situation.
"Look Granger, it's obvious that you can't get up with your weedy strength and your enormous weight, roll over and I'll do it."
"What exactly do you mean by WEEDY strength and ENORMOUS weight?"
"Do you not understand English Granger? I mean that you are pathetic and VERY HEAVY, simple language meaning FAT."
"Malfoy you're the one that's fat! I'd look like a pancake if I rolled over so that you could use your so called 'strength'"
"At least I do have strength and muscle while your muscle's just gone to flab."
"FLAB?????I HAVE NO FLAB."
"That's what you think."
"ARRRRRRRRRRRGH!!!!!!!!!"
"Times up!"
A door nearby flung open as Dr Granger and Serena strode over and struggled to get them both up. They eventually did, but it wasn't easy, especially when Draco kept on moaning that he had been squashed and scarred by mudblood germs for life, resulting in another tumble by Hermione, who was desperately trying to attack him with her head.
"I'LL KILL YOU, YOU STUPID GIT!!!!!!!!!"
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"Attention, may I have your attention please!"
Dr Granger banged her spoon on her wine cup and stood, smiling in a cheerful way. Serena was also standing next to her, sticking her chest out proudly as everyone turned to look up at the table of white coated people and one professor - this time it was Snape, his greasy hair gleaming in the light of the magical candles. They were sitting in the Three Broomsticks once again, even though the maze was situated in Hogwarts, they had travelled to Hogsmeade to meet up with everyone else. The mumbling all around stopped and Dr Granger beamed at the students.
"Now, today is the second day of our experiments and indeed I have to say that yesterday was a complete success!! Even though most of the males did get quite drunk, and they were very heavy, I'm sure that you all had a wonderful time!! My lovely niece Hermione, for instance, was very happy with Mr Potter and Miss Patil when she used Mr Malfoy's head to break down doors!!!"
Draco scowled as Hermione fluttered her eyelids and tried to look as innocent as possible, only succeeding in looking as guilty as could be. Out of the corner of her eye, she could see Harry looking around, trying to look like he hadn't done anything, while Padma was just trying to hex Pansy Parkinson, who was prodding her and trying to find a reason why she would ever use 'Coco's beautiful head of gold' to break down doors.
"Anyway, today's experiment will be to take these -
Dr Granger nodded to Serena, who mumbled a spell under her breath. A large trolley immediately tumbled through the pub window, making the stain glass crash to the floor in shatters. Serena awkwardly smiled as the young wizard who had questioned Hermione about her breakfast, waved his wand and immediately the trolley stopped crashing around and screeched to a halt straight in front of Hermione and Draco (who were still tied together in case you were wondering).
"These are pills from the witch doctor Edwina Sally herself!! And they are split into two," Serena stepped over to the trolley and pulled out a packet of pills, "The first group - the blue ones - is to test on the male specimen, so if you got a lower time than your partner to get out of that maze, and you are a boy, you'll be taking these. These other ones, which are the red ones, are for the female specimen. Now the blue male pills are supposed to be the ultimate transformation! They are supposed to turn all male's into females for about 24 hours!!! The red pills are the same, except they turn the female into a male!! Anyway, your job is to take them and make sure they work and do what they're supposed to!!"
Serena began to push the trolley towards a pair of people by the door.
"Now, Serena over there will ask you who got the lowest time, then she shall toss you the appropriate pills to take. In case anything happens, only ONE of you shall take either one of the pills!! Now, be prepared for the consequences!!"
Hermione and Draco waited and waited and waited and waited for Serena to come round with the trolley full of pills. By the time she did, she didn't even need to ask who got the lowest time. She just grinned a knowing grin and stepped away from the trolley, only to be replaced a few seconds later by Snape, a knowing smirk plastered on his face, suiting his long crooked nose quite well.
"Well, have you two learned not to annoy all of us with your countless bickering? Promise me that you will not argue and I shall free you."
Hermione clenched her jaw, "I promise with all my heart and all my life that if I ever argue with Draco Malfoy again, I shall be a Gryffindor."
Draco smirked, "I promise with my family name and my hair that if I argue with Granger once again, I shall be a good little Slytherin."
Snape waved his wand and uttered the counter curse, only to realise that they had both tricked him by twisting their words. Snape scowled and glared angrily at the two of them.
"For that you shall be punished Miss Granger, Mr Malfoy," Snape growled in a low hiss, "Originally, you two would not have to suffer the consequences of these maniac experiments for one day, but seeing as you have the foolishness to trick me, I shall make you two BOTH suffer!!! MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! Ahem."
Snape tossed the pills, red and blue, onto the table and strode stiffly onto the next table, causing Neville to faint, as it was his table.
Hermione and Draco sat and stared at the pills lying in front of them, waiting for the other to go first so that they could maybe get out of taking them. But the longer they waited, the more impatient they grew.
"Malfoy, why don't you be a gentleman and take the pills first?"
"Because I'm not a gentleman, really Granger you should know me by now."
"Oh, so you're just too chicken - are you?"
"I'm not falling for that again, last time I did, you ended up bashing my head against bloody stone doors."
"Fine then, I'll take it first!"
Hermione had no idea what had urged her to do so, but before she knew what on earth she was doing, she had grabbed the red pills and popped them into her mouth. With one gulp, she swallowed them whole. Hermione took a deep breath as the taste of vile filled her mouth.
"Go on Malfoy, I've done it, your turn now."
Draco nodded and did the same with his pills. They both sat for a few seconds, watching the other couples and seeing if they had changed. More seconds passed and still Hermione felt no change, she stared into space, starting to get bored . . .
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!"
A scream next to her and somewhere to her right signalled the first changes that had happened. Draco sprung up, as did the other person - which Hermione could now see as Harry. Her eyes widened as she let out a fit of laughter. The sight in front of her was absolutely hilarious; the pills had definitely NOT worked.
Draco, instead of changing into a woman, now had a gigantic stomach instead of breasts, while Harry did not have an enormous stomach, but had an enormous pair of breasts that made his shirt underneath his robes rise so much, you could see his belly button.
Draco scowled at Hermione and rubbed his expanded stomach as she continued to laugh.
"And what, pray tell, is so funny?"
"You . . . HA, with your . . . HAHAHAHA, you're . . . . PREGNANT!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!! And Harry's got enormous boobs!!!!!! HHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!!!!!!" Hermione gasped through fits of laughter. She abruptly stopped as Draco sent another death glare. Saying in her best smartass voice, she said:
"Before you try to strangle me Malfoy, first thing you should know is that strangling does not work on me, now tell me something, who's the father?"
Hermione burst into fits of laughter once again as Draco pounced onto her, his arms outstretched. Hermione continued to laugh, and she laughed even harder when Draco began to tickle her. He was mumbling something along the lines of 'If I can't strangle you, I'll tickle you to death!'
"HEHEHEHEHEHEHE . . . . . . . . Malfoy . . . . . you really . . . . HEHE . . . shouldn't . . . . be . . . . so . . . . HEHEHE . . . .active!!!! Think . . . . of the . . . . . BABY!!!!!"
Draco scowled and stopped, getting up off Hermione as she stopped laughing as much, wiping a tear from her eye. For a while the whole wizarding pub was silent, Draco began to smirk as Harry rolled on the floor with laughter.
"What?" Hermione gasped, her voice . . . . IT HAD BROKEN!!!! 'NOOOOOO!!!!'
"I see your voice has broken as well as you growing a beard Granger, and might I say that that beard suits you very well."
Hermione's eyes grew wide as Draco's words sunk in . . . . . . . A BEARD??????? SHE HAD A BEARD??????? 'NOOOOO!!!!' She thought, all this in ONE DAY?? Not good, definitely not good.
She instinctively reached towards her chin and felt it, it was definitely there, and as bushy as her hair was (which was very in case you didn't realise). She felt like crying at that moment as the whole pub burst into fits of laughter at the sight of her, Draco and Harry . . . . . . . . . . . until they saw themselves in the reflective window and saw that they either had a beard too, or overgrown breasts.
"Ahem!!! Excuse me!!!" Dr Granger tried to shout above the noise of screams, gasps, laughter etc.
"Just say: SHUT THE HELL UP!!!!!!!" Serena smiled sweetly as all heads turned towards them.
"Thank you Serena dear, now, I see all of you have suffered from the consequences of these pills . . . er . . . well for the men transformation pill, the blue pills, I guess it does change you into a woman -
"Yeah, I woman with bloody enormous breasts that are inhuman!!!!" Blaise called out, a Pansy sniffing her tears up as she tried to look down at her shaggy beard, combing it with her fingers to try and make it more . . . . fashionable.
"Yes . . . but, it does work doesn't it? Just with side effects -
"No, I don't feel anything different down there!!" A boy from Gryffindor shouted, as he pushed his oversized breasts in and out, and in and out, and in and out and so on, playing around with them and trying to see whether any milk would come out.
" - yes, but -
"Look at Malfoy for god's sake!!!" Ron shouted angrily, his ears red. He nearly toppled over in anger as his chest was now weighing him down.
"Yes, Mr Malfoy I am terribly sorry you know, I think it's just you that has it in the stomach, I mean . . . maybe it's your genes? Are you allergic? Don't worry though, I'm sure we can turn you back to normal! Always be optimistic!! Now, the girls . . . I'm sure there's nothing to worry about girls, there's always the trusty razor!! I'm sure you'll all remember when you started shaving pubic hair . . ."
"Miss, I did SO not use a razor!!! I waxed!! How can I wax this hell hole??" Lavender muttered VERY loudly, pointing to her chin, a long and pointed beard continually growing from it.
"Don't worry me dears, I'll be sending these back to Edwina Sally -
"AND telling her that these in no way can go on the market!" Hermione stated matter-of-factly, her voice still very low - like a boy's. It seemed to her that everyone else still had their normal voices, it was like Malfoy's side effects, he didn't have enormous breasts that weighed him down, instead a gigantic stomach, but she had a beard like every other girl AND a broken voice.
"Yes Hermione honey, that exactly, now we have some doctors here in case anything ever went wrong, I'm going to split all of you into three groups, if I say one to you, you go with Susie and Angel over there,"
Dr Granger pointed towards the first two leaders, two young women who could be no older than 25. Dr Granger then continued to speak.
"If I say to you two, please join Caesar and Marc over here, to my left, and if I say three, please join Donna and Kyle with Professor Snape over there by the door."
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Draco and Hermione along with all the other pairs that had been sent to Donna and Kyle sat in silence. Harry and Padma had been put with Susie and Angel, while Ron and Lisa had been put with Caesar and Marc. Hermione seethed with anger, today was not a good day, she could definitely say that it was one of the worst days she had ever experienced. Now she couldn't even read aloud to herself anymore without the whole room bursting into fits of giggles!
"Psst! Granger!" Draco whispered.
"What is it?"
"Okay, first you sound like Goyle, second, you don't think that I'm, you know, REALLY pregnant am I? I mean, how is that possible?"
"Malfoy you should know better than to say that it's not possible, you are after all, a pureblood that has lived in the world of magic, where anything is possible, for all your life."
Draco scowled and rubbed his stomach, looking more and more motherly by the second.
"Miss Hermione Granger and Mr Draco Malfoy please." Donna called. Hermione and Draco both stood (Draco with difficulty as his stomach was so big). They both entered a small room through a door near a big bookcase. They sat on a comfortable sofa positioned in front of a two-person desk. The walls of the room were green, the floor a polished wood that you could maybe see your own reflection if you bothered to look. Donna had short black hair and small glasses that made her look intelligent, while Kyle had short blonde spiky hair that made him look cool and collected. They both wore stethoscopes around their necks; Snape was standing in a corner, a table of small bottles of purple liquid beside him and a small smile on his lips.
"Now, Mr Malfoy, I'll check your stomach to see if there is an actual baby in there, then see if I can fix it for you, while Donna shall be showing you, Miss Granger, over to Mr Snape."
Hermione walked over to the table in front of Snape with Donna closely behind her, she sat quietly and suspiciously down on the chair positioned in front of the table, wondering why on earth it was there.
"Now Miss Granger is it? My name is Donna Wilkins, a healer from St Mungos and yes, a qualified one. Now you mustn't worry yourself, we have found a solution to your . . . masculinity, and it is indeed in those bottles straight in front of you. Mr Snape over here brewed these potions in case of any side effects like this, he shall explain more while I try and help Kyle examine Mr Malfoy."
Donna gave a curt nod and turned to see that Draco was now waddling around the room, trying to prevent Kyle from examining his stomach (Kyle was now chasing Draco around the room, Donna joined their chase) Hermione tried to avoid the stare that Snape was giving her, as well as a pregnant Draco trying to run away. Now was not the time to get nervous at someone's gaze . . . she knew that, but being changed into practically an old man with a bushy beard and hair to match wasn't exactly one of the most self confident moments she had ever experienced . . .
"Now, Miss Granger, these potions shall change you back to normal, and let me tell you that they only work for the girls. Some idiot sneaked up here and drunk one, a BOY, and he turned into a lovely warthog, so don't be surprised to see him crawling around. But I must warn you that these may have side effects, are you able to handle the consequences?"
"Will I change back eventually, even without the potion?"
Snape raised an eyebrow and tried very hard not to laugh at Hermione's 'broken' voice, although in the end he couldn't suppress the wide smirk that grew on his face.
"Yes, those healers over there estimate about . . . two months before the beard at least disappears magically, but might I recommend Miss Granger, that you take the potion no matter what the consequences, for even though I am the head of Slytherin house, and you are the favourite student of Gryffindor, you are paired with my favourite student, and I would not like him to suffer all the names that he would be called by being with someone who is half man and half woman."
She hesitated, what if the side effects were even worse? But then again, what could be worse than having people mistake you for man, when even when you were normal looking people still mistook you for a man? Did people mistake her for a man?? Snape had got her so muddled, she didn't care, she was in no way having people mistake her for a boy!!!!
"I'll take it!!!"
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I know I kind of ranted on, and it isn't even the end of ONE day yet! I thought if I carried on it would be too long, which I guess it is, although some of you would call this average! I have this feeling it waffled on . . . slightly . . . maybe quite a bit . . .
~Girl-who-is-hyper-drinking-coke-what-is-she-like-when-she-drinks-alchohol . . .
PS. I made a mistake in the last chapter! AH! I put that Draco would have written to his father, but I forgot that I said he was dead right at the beginning of this fic.
PPS. Okay, I might not update in a while as I am on a writer's block for this fic. I will update, no doubt I will but it's hard to make the chapters funny as I don't normally write funny fics. All I'm saying is don't rush me, but I WILL UPDATE ASAP! REVIEW AND MAKE ME TYPE FASTER!
PPPS. Here's a recommended read: READ FLUFF'S FIC - THE BACHELOR!!!
PPPPS. I AM SOOOOOOOOOOOOO SORRY it took this long!!! Like I said at the top, and before this, my Internet went haywire, the phone didn't work so my AOL wouldn't connect, I am so sorry!!! Please carry on reading and reviewing this fic, pleeeeeeease!!! It would mean SO much to me!!!!
Summary: Hermione's aunt has been called to Hogwarts as she needs lots of children to be her 'guinea pigs' and of course, only Dumbledore is nice enough to let someone experiment with his students . . .
HERMIONE'S POV, BUT NARRATED BY ME ~ THE AUTHOR!!!!
WHOEVER GAVE ME SUGGESTIONS, YOU MAY NOTICE YOURS IN THIS CHAPTER, FORGOT WHO ACTUALLY GAVE ME THAT PARTICULAR SUGGESTION/S!!!
SORRY FOR THE LOOOOOOOOOOONG WAIT!!!! MY INTERNET BUGGERED UP ON ME!!!! As you all should know . . .
LOVELY THANKS TO ALL OF THE FOLLOWING:
Happigolucki616 ~ Thanks!! I don't mind that you didn't review the other one, you reviewed this one!!! Which is all that should matter!!! I am so happy that you think it's hilarious, actually, funny isn't the word!!! Lol, I was never good with my vocab. nevermind . . . thanks for reviewing and the compliments as well!!! (Thanks for hoping I'd get the Internet back too ^.~)
Loah ~ Like always, you have absolutely no idea how happy you liking the chapter and fic makes me!!! You like Ron too??? SO DO I!!!! (Hold on, I just stated the obvious, I mean, look at my name, duh!!) Lol, sorry, I'm kinda dim when I'm hyper.
harryforeva ~ Thanks so much for reviewing once again, I can't thank you enough!! Here's the next one, I hope you enjoy this as much as the other one, or hopefully even more!!!
Fluff ~ Long but it was good, I think. You'll recommend it?? YAY!!! Aw that is so nice of you, I'll try and recommend your fic too, at the end of this chappie!!! (If anyone's listening) The fat thing is always a right nerve to hit with Draco . . . as for the longer time update thing, I don't know, depends when I finish it really. Thanks so much for reviewing, the compliments EVERYTHING, you are awfully nice!!!!!
Babmidnight ~ Lol, thanks, I didn't really know it was 'cute', thanks for reviewing and I hope you enjoy this chapter!!!
Some12 ~ Thanks for the review and I actually think it was longer than twelve pages I typed, I'm not sure . . . I'm glad you liked it so much, and thanks SO much for that idea, I will use that one, that's a promise!!! What I have planned I cannot give away, as all should know, you'll just have to carry on and find out!!! SO, SOOOO sorry about the long wait on the update, I'll update the next chapter ASAP!!
Someonelse ~ Thank you very much!!! I hope this chapter will be just as funny, fingers crossed!!! I don't know whether it is, which is why I need my reviewers to tell me!!! (In a nice way of course) Thanks again!!!
Klee_babe ~ Thanks, YAY it's funny and not just weird, or was that the other one you reviewed that you thought was weird? I can't remember but I hope you read this chapter and you'll like it!!!!
Smileyface1314 ~ Lol, I hope this one is just as funny as the last, although I seriously doubt it! I don't know whether people should make fun of Hermi, I mean, people at Hogwarts are quite nice aren't they? Anyway, lol on your dad!!! Show him this note to you because I'm telling him now THAT I TOLD YOU TO EAT THE COOKIE, HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Voldie on Varsity track ~ to be perfectly honest, I have no idea whether I've used one of your suggestions - my mind is blank!!! Lol, that suggestion you put just made me crack up when I read it, one because Aunt Emi is married to Hermione's uncle (which makes her a aunt) and she's not a lesbian!!!! But it was a very nice suggestion, thanks!!!!
Burgundyred ~I LOVE YOU!!! (Don't take that too seriously) I'm so happy you're reviewing both my ficcys!!! That is so nice, I especially love this fic because I can use lots of exclamation marks, HAHA!!!! Lol, sorry about that.
Plaidly Lush ~ Yes . . . well . . . the title of this fic does say a lot huh? Thanks for the review!
ANON. 327 ~ Lol, okay . . . that's nice, but RON ROCKS HARD COR!! I love him, I really do, but not enough to interfere with my REAL life, so that I seem daft. You didn't exactly comment, but it was nice of you to review anyway.
Eventuality ~ Thanks so much, and I hope you like this chapter, I have tried! Please review after you've read this!
NO SPOILERS HERE.
CHAPTER SIX: ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!!!!!!!!!!!!
DISCLAIMER: Me no speak English, even if I typed many fics that are English and am speaking English now, I don't speak English - DON'T SUE ME. J.K.Rowling good English woman who owns Potter Harry, plot tis mine, sue who takes plot!!
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Hermione's alarm clock started to beep at exactly 7:30am. She groaned and rolled around. Using the pillow to cover her head, Hermione tried to get more sleep.
"GRANGER!!!!!!!!! SHUT THAT STUPID ALARM OFF NOW!"
Hermione groaned as she put her hands over her pillow to further deafen the surrounding noise (now from the alarm clock AND a certain blonde git that was shouting at her). A bang made Hermione's head shoot up, flipping the pillow onto the floor. She could feel herself levitate off her bed, her head hitting the roof of the four-poster.
"Wha -
Hermione looked up dreamily and gasped as she saw that the whole of the Hogwarts Lake was around her, even below her. She twisted her head round to see a smirking Draco, his wand pointing straight at her.
"Granger, don't look down."
Having said that, he made her flip upside down using his wand so that she had no choice BUT to look down - how did he know Hermione was scared of heights?
"AAAAHHHHHHHH!! MALFOY LET ME DOWN FROM HERE!! MAAAAALFOY!!"
Hermione closed her eyes to calm herself, this was the reason why she had never played quidditch before . . .
"Now, now Granger, what way to ask someone to put them down! If I did, you'd just drop straight into the lake with a plop. I'd understand if you want to be cold, wet and drippy though."
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!"
"Maybe I'll consider putting you safely back into the room if you said . . . . Malfoy is the greatest man alive?? Oh wait, Draco Malfoy is the greatest man alive and is the sexiest too!!!! That would do brilliantly."
"NOOOOOOO!!!!"
"Say it or you're going down Missy."
"DRACO MALFOY IS THE GREATEST MAN ALIVE AND IS THE SEXIEST TOO!!!!"
"Louder now."
"DRACO MALFOY IS THE GREATEST MAN ALIVE AND IS THE SEXIEST TOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Better."
'Great,' Hermione thought, 'I'm hanging out of my bedroom window, over a gigantic lake, and people who have decided to skip breakfast and are heading to their lessons are now staring at me and someone who I think is related to Colin Creevey has started to take pictures . . . just FANTASTIC. Just be thankful Hermione that you're wearing pyjama pants and not a nightgown . . .'
"Now say . . . Potter wets himself and Weasley is a gay twat."
"NOOOOO, I SAID WHAT YOU WANTED NOW LET ME DOWN!!!!!"
"Tut, tut, tut Granger, is that anyway to talk to Draco Malfoy, the greatest man alive and the sexiest too, after all, you said it yourself."
"ARRRRRRRGH!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, HELPPPPPPPPP MEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!"
"No one can save you Granger, my dear little mudblood, now SAY IT, and be good."
"POTTER WETS HIMSELF AND WEASLEY IS A GAY TWAT!!!!!!!!"
Hermione could now hear people giggling from below and she could dizzily (due to the blood rushing to her head) see people pointing up at her, their books lay forgotten on the floor as they continued to stare at the amazingly levitating bushy blob.
"That's a good girl . . .now say DRACO MALFOY IS IN NO WAY GAY."
"UNFAIR!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Granger, if you don't listen to me, you'll fall straight into the nice, cold, freezing lake."
"DRACO MALFOY IS IN NO WAY GAY!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Draco Malfoy is in no way fat."
"DRACO MALFOY IS IN NO WAY FAT!!!!!!!!!"
"I love Draco Malfoy and have done ever since I laid eyes on his gorgeous self!!!!!!!"
"I LOVE DRACO MALFOY AND HAVE DONE EVER SINCE I LAID EYES ON HIS GORGEOUS SELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Hold on, listeniano, now everyone from 100 miles around can hear you."
Hermione groaned, people were now whispering as well as giggling and just laughing out loud, and now even more people had gathered below her (she may have been over the lake, but there was a giant field that led to the lake from Hogwarts and her room just had to be that patch of lake that was nearest to that field of grass). To top it all off, Harry had now stuck his head out of the giant window in his room and was staring at her, his eyebrows knotted together.
"Now say it Granger, or your St. Potter can't even save you."
"I LOVE DRACO MALFOY AND HAVE DONE EVER SINCE I LAID EYES ON HIS GORGEOUS SELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
She screamed the whole sentence as quickly as she could, but from the burst of laughter below her and Harry's shocked face, she knew that everyone had heard it quickly enough. As she felt and saw, herself levitate back into the room, she knew that she was bright red - from the sudden blood rushing to her head and the embarrassment of announcing her new 'love' to the entire school.
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Hermione was absolutely fuming by the time she had reached number 13 of the muggle studies area. Ron and Harry had left without her and she had had to walk down there with sneers from all the Slytherin people, telling her that Draco would never go out with her in a million years, and that she should die for all he cared. Hermione couldn't do anything but put up with this, but what hurt her the most was what the people from the other houses had said to her, especially the people from Gryffindor, calling her a traitor and such. Draco, of course, found the utmost pleasure in it all.
Hermione didn't even get any peace when she was eating breakfast, as the Slytherin's there (including Pansy and Blaise, Blaise the one that you just had to feel sorry for) were all making fun of her 'dangling-out-of-the- window' incident that morning. She banged her head on the table extra hard.
"Excuse me Miss?"
A young wizard with long brown hair tapped Hermione on the shoulder. He was also in a white coat and wearing professional looking glasses (you know Legolas from Lord of the Rings? He looks like him, except with glasses and brown hair instead of blonde). Hermione made no reaction, not a twitch, not anything. It was like she was dead or something. The young wizard turned to Draco.
"Excuse me Mister, is she your partner, I need to know what she has eaten today."
"Why?"
"To see whether the food has anything to do with her performance in the warm up and experiments that she shall be doing today."
"Why?"
"Why what? Why we have to know whether it has anything to do with the food?? Mainly because it is for Dr. Granger's studies, to see if what you eat has anything to do with learning performance. It has been done, yes, but we are going to investigate further into it than just cereal and calcium etc."
"Why?"
"Why what? Why you are asking why is totally unexplainable to me, care you to make me relieved of my confusion?"
"Why?"
"Why should you explain? Because all these why's are making me confused!"
"Why?"
"Why what? I simply cannot understand you."
"Wh -
Draco couldn't even finish his why as Hermione had leapt from across the table and started to strangle him - hard. (The scene was much like how Homer strangles Bart in the Simpsons, except I'm sure you'll agree that Hermione is much prettier than Homer, even if she isn't a lovely beauty queen, actually, I PRAY that you'll agree with me on that one) Draco's head could now be seen as a blue 'thing', while Hermione was as red as a beetroot.
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"Hermione dear let go of the young gentleman!!!!!!"
"GENTLEMAN MY ARSE, THIS IS ONE GAY, FAT, STUPID, ANNOYING, IDIOTIC, IGNORANT, POSH, SNOBBY, UPSTUCK, JERK OF A BASTA -
"Well Hermione, he can't help being what he is. Can't you like him for who he really is?"
"THE FACT IS I DON'T LIKE HIM!!!!!! HE IS SUCH A JERK, HE BLOODY DANGLED ME FROM OUR BEDROOM WINDOW THIS MORNING FOR GOD'S SAKE!!!!"
"Calm down now Miss, no need to resort to murder, what can you do anyway?"
" . . . Let . . . go . . . of . . . jerk's . . . neck . . . would . . . be . . . an . . . idea."
Draco choked out between gasps for air, his face looking more demented than he would ever want it to look. His words of 'wisdom' did no good as Hermione only strangled him harder.
"Whoohoo!!!!!!! Go Hermione!!!!! Girl power!!!" Ron cheered as he stuffed another pumpkin pasty down his throat, resulting in a choking fit.
". . . Granger . . ."
"Malfoy, say, I AM A GAY TWAT."
"I . . . am . . . a . . . gay . . . twat."
"I AM A GAY AND FAT DWEEB."
"Hehe . . . you . . . just . . . said . . . you're . . . a . . . gay . . . and . . . fat . . . dweeb . . ."
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!"
Hermione's grip on Draco's neck got tighter and tighter and tighter and tighter and tighter and tighter and tighter and tighter and tighter and tighter and tighter and tighter and tighter and tighter and tighter and tighter and tighter and tighter and tighter and tighter and tighter and tighter and tighter and tighter and tighter and tighter and tighter and tighter and tighter and tighter and tighter and tighter . . . . until Draco found his wand in his robe pocket and stuck it in her chest.
The strangling stopped . . . for a while anyway. They glared hard at each other, willing one of them to move first. It was a matter of waiting really, Draco waiting for Hermione to let go of his neck so he could mutter a curse, Hermione waiting for Draco to stop pointing his wand at her so she could continue to strangle him, shame that they were both not stupid enough to move.
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"Go left!!"
"No, right!!!"
"I said, left!!!"
"AND I SAID RIGHT!!!"
"BUT IT'S LEFT!!"
The two were of course bickering, AGAIN. But this time it was over which way to move. Of course you may be wondering why they didn't just move their separate ways, or even wondering whether Hermione managed to strangle Draco, or vice versa except with a wand. Well the truth was, neither of them managed to kill each other, for at that moment, Snape stormed into the breakfast room and had cast a spell known to all standard wizards and witches as a 'double body binding spell' that tied an invisible robe tightly around the stomach and hands of the two nearest people that the spell was aimed at, in this case, Hermione and Draco (it didn't help that they were tied together, facing each other either). That should have explained BOTH situations, now it was the warm up and the task at hand would have been quite simple, had they not been tied together.
Once again, Serena and Dr Granger were in charge of them, and the warm up was supposed to be for two people, one at a time. The person would have to find himself or herself out of a real life maze, and whoever had the quickest time to get out was the winner (of course the person who went second was blindfolded as to not cheat by looking at how the first person did it).
Hermione and Draco, however, could not be timed separately, therefore, they were both given a harder life size maze than any other pair as they were expected to work together to get out - the problem here is the word TOGETHER.
"Granger, I said LEFT."
"Fine, we'll go left."
"No, I think I'll go right."
"Malfoy are you doing this deliberately to annoy me? BECAUSE IT SURE IS WORKING SO YOU CAN QUIT IT NOW!!!!!!" Hermione spat in Draco's face. He frowned and looked upset. 'Could it be possible that the great Draco Malfoy was having - dare she think it - FEELINGS?????'
"Ew mudblood, you got mudblood spit on me! GET THE DISINFECTANT!!!!!!"
'Thought too soon . . .'
"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!"
Hermione tried to move her hands to grasp the young ferret's scrawny neck, but as they were tied, she couldn't and it only resulted in a giant tumble and stumble thing, meaning in normal language, Hermione collapsing onto Draco.
"Mudblood you're squashing me, get up.'
"If I could do that, I would have by now." She muttered through gritted teeth as she struggled to try and get back on her feet. As Draco had so gracefully put it, the fact that she was SQUASHING him didn't help in the situation.
"Look Granger, it's obvious that you can't get up with your weedy strength and your enormous weight, roll over and I'll do it."
"What exactly do you mean by WEEDY strength and ENORMOUS weight?"
"Do you not understand English Granger? I mean that you are pathetic and VERY HEAVY, simple language meaning FAT."
"Malfoy you're the one that's fat! I'd look like a pancake if I rolled over so that you could use your so called 'strength'"
"At least I do have strength and muscle while your muscle's just gone to flab."
"FLAB?????I HAVE NO FLAB."
"That's what you think."
"ARRRRRRRRRRRGH!!!!!!!!!"
"Times up!"
A door nearby flung open as Dr Granger and Serena strode over and struggled to get them both up. They eventually did, but it wasn't easy, especially when Draco kept on moaning that he had been squashed and scarred by mudblood germs for life, resulting in another tumble by Hermione, who was desperately trying to attack him with her head.
"I'LL KILL YOU, YOU STUPID GIT!!!!!!!!!"
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"Attention, may I have your attention please!"
Dr Granger banged her spoon on her wine cup and stood, smiling in a cheerful way. Serena was also standing next to her, sticking her chest out proudly as everyone turned to look up at the table of white coated people and one professor - this time it was Snape, his greasy hair gleaming in the light of the magical candles. They were sitting in the Three Broomsticks once again, even though the maze was situated in Hogwarts, they had travelled to Hogsmeade to meet up with everyone else. The mumbling all around stopped and Dr Granger beamed at the students.
"Now, today is the second day of our experiments and indeed I have to say that yesterday was a complete success!! Even though most of the males did get quite drunk, and they were very heavy, I'm sure that you all had a wonderful time!! My lovely niece Hermione, for instance, was very happy with Mr Potter and Miss Patil when she used Mr Malfoy's head to break down doors!!!"
Draco scowled as Hermione fluttered her eyelids and tried to look as innocent as possible, only succeeding in looking as guilty as could be. Out of the corner of her eye, she could see Harry looking around, trying to look like he hadn't done anything, while Padma was just trying to hex Pansy Parkinson, who was prodding her and trying to find a reason why she would ever use 'Coco's beautiful head of gold' to break down doors.
"Anyway, today's experiment will be to take these -
Dr Granger nodded to Serena, who mumbled a spell under her breath. A large trolley immediately tumbled through the pub window, making the stain glass crash to the floor in shatters. Serena awkwardly smiled as the young wizard who had questioned Hermione about her breakfast, waved his wand and immediately the trolley stopped crashing around and screeched to a halt straight in front of Hermione and Draco (who were still tied together in case you were wondering).
"These are pills from the witch doctor Edwina Sally herself!! And they are split into two," Serena stepped over to the trolley and pulled out a packet of pills, "The first group - the blue ones - is to test on the male specimen, so if you got a lower time than your partner to get out of that maze, and you are a boy, you'll be taking these. These other ones, which are the red ones, are for the female specimen. Now the blue male pills are supposed to be the ultimate transformation! They are supposed to turn all male's into females for about 24 hours!!! The red pills are the same, except they turn the female into a male!! Anyway, your job is to take them and make sure they work and do what they're supposed to!!"
Serena began to push the trolley towards a pair of people by the door.
"Now, Serena over there will ask you who got the lowest time, then she shall toss you the appropriate pills to take. In case anything happens, only ONE of you shall take either one of the pills!! Now, be prepared for the consequences!!"
Hermione and Draco waited and waited and waited and waited for Serena to come round with the trolley full of pills. By the time she did, she didn't even need to ask who got the lowest time. She just grinned a knowing grin and stepped away from the trolley, only to be replaced a few seconds later by Snape, a knowing smirk plastered on his face, suiting his long crooked nose quite well.
"Well, have you two learned not to annoy all of us with your countless bickering? Promise me that you will not argue and I shall free you."
Hermione clenched her jaw, "I promise with all my heart and all my life that if I ever argue with Draco Malfoy again, I shall be a Gryffindor."
Draco smirked, "I promise with my family name and my hair that if I argue with Granger once again, I shall be a good little Slytherin."
Snape waved his wand and uttered the counter curse, only to realise that they had both tricked him by twisting their words. Snape scowled and glared angrily at the two of them.
"For that you shall be punished Miss Granger, Mr Malfoy," Snape growled in a low hiss, "Originally, you two would not have to suffer the consequences of these maniac experiments for one day, but seeing as you have the foolishness to trick me, I shall make you two BOTH suffer!!! MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! Ahem."
Snape tossed the pills, red and blue, onto the table and strode stiffly onto the next table, causing Neville to faint, as it was his table.
Hermione and Draco sat and stared at the pills lying in front of them, waiting for the other to go first so that they could maybe get out of taking them. But the longer they waited, the more impatient they grew.
"Malfoy, why don't you be a gentleman and take the pills first?"
"Because I'm not a gentleman, really Granger you should know me by now."
"Oh, so you're just too chicken - are you?"
"I'm not falling for that again, last time I did, you ended up bashing my head against bloody stone doors."
"Fine then, I'll take it first!"
Hermione had no idea what had urged her to do so, but before she knew what on earth she was doing, she had grabbed the red pills and popped them into her mouth. With one gulp, she swallowed them whole. Hermione took a deep breath as the taste of vile filled her mouth.
"Go on Malfoy, I've done it, your turn now."
Draco nodded and did the same with his pills. They both sat for a few seconds, watching the other couples and seeing if they had changed. More seconds passed and still Hermione felt no change, she stared into space, starting to get bored . . .
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!"
A scream next to her and somewhere to her right signalled the first changes that had happened. Draco sprung up, as did the other person - which Hermione could now see as Harry. Her eyes widened as she let out a fit of laughter. The sight in front of her was absolutely hilarious; the pills had definitely NOT worked.
Draco, instead of changing into a woman, now had a gigantic stomach instead of breasts, while Harry did not have an enormous stomach, but had an enormous pair of breasts that made his shirt underneath his robes rise so much, you could see his belly button.
Draco scowled at Hermione and rubbed his expanded stomach as she continued to laugh.
"And what, pray tell, is so funny?"
"You . . . HA, with your . . . HAHAHAHA, you're . . . . PREGNANT!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!! And Harry's got enormous boobs!!!!!! HHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!!!!!!" Hermione gasped through fits of laughter. She abruptly stopped as Draco sent another death glare. Saying in her best smartass voice, she said:
"Before you try to strangle me Malfoy, first thing you should know is that strangling does not work on me, now tell me something, who's the father?"
Hermione burst into fits of laughter once again as Draco pounced onto her, his arms outstretched. Hermione continued to laugh, and she laughed even harder when Draco began to tickle her. He was mumbling something along the lines of 'If I can't strangle you, I'll tickle you to death!'
"HEHEHEHEHEHEHE . . . . . . . . Malfoy . . . . . you really . . . . HEHE . . . shouldn't . . . . be . . . . so . . . . HEHEHE . . . .active!!!! Think . . . . of the . . . . . BABY!!!!!"
Draco scowled and stopped, getting up off Hermione as she stopped laughing as much, wiping a tear from her eye. For a while the whole wizarding pub was silent, Draco began to smirk as Harry rolled on the floor with laughter.
"What?" Hermione gasped, her voice . . . . IT HAD BROKEN!!!! 'NOOOOOO!!!!'
"I see your voice has broken as well as you growing a beard Granger, and might I say that that beard suits you very well."
Hermione's eyes grew wide as Draco's words sunk in . . . . . . . A BEARD??????? SHE HAD A BEARD??????? 'NOOOOO!!!!' She thought, all this in ONE DAY?? Not good, definitely not good.
She instinctively reached towards her chin and felt it, it was definitely there, and as bushy as her hair was (which was very in case you didn't realise). She felt like crying at that moment as the whole pub burst into fits of laughter at the sight of her, Draco and Harry . . . . . . . . . . . until they saw themselves in the reflective window and saw that they either had a beard too, or overgrown breasts.
"Ahem!!! Excuse me!!!" Dr Granger tried to shout above the noise of screams, gasps, laughter etc.
"Just say: SHUT THE HELL UP!!!!!!!" Serena smiled sweetly as all heads turned towards them.
"Thank you Serena dear, now, I see all of you have suffered from the consequences of these pills . . . er . . . well for the men transformation pill, the blue pills, I guess it does change you into a woman -
"Yeah, I woman with bloody enormous breasts that are inhuman!!!!" Blaise called out, a Pansy sniffing her tears up as she tried to look down at her shaggy beard, combing it with her fingers to try and make it more . . . . fashionable.
"Yes . . . but, it does work doesn't it? Just with side effects -
"No, I don't feel anything different down there!!" A boy from Gryffindor shouted, as he pushed his oversized breasts in and out, and in and out, and in and out and so on, playing around with them and trying to see whether any milk would come out.
" - yes, but -
"Look at Malfoy for god's sake!!!" Ron shouted angrily, his ears red. He nearly toppled over in anger as his chest was now weighing him down.
"Yes, Mr Malfoy I am terribly sorry you know, I think it's just you that has it in the stomach, I mean . . . maybe it's your genes? Are you allergic? Don't worry though, I'm sure we can turn you back to normal! Always be optimistic!! Now, the girls . . . I'm sure there's nothing to worry about girls, there's always the trusty razor!! I'm sure you'll all remember when you started shaving pubic hair . . ."
"Miss, I did SO not use a razor!!! I waxed!! How can I wax this hell hole??" Lavender muttered VERY loudly, pointing to her chin, a long and pointed beard continually growing from it.
"Don't worry me dears, I'll be sending these back to Edwina Sally -
"AND telling her that these in no way can go on the market!" Hermione stated matter-of-factly, her voice still very low - like a boy's. It seemed to her that everyone else still had their normal voices, it was like Malfoy's side effects, he didn't have enormous breasts that weighed him down, instead a gigantic stomach, but she had a beard like every other girl AND a broken voice.
"Yes Hermione honey, that exactly, now we have some doctors here in case anything ever went wrong, I'm going to split all of you into three groups, if I say one to you, you go with Susie and Angel over there,"
Dr Granger pointed towards the first two leaders, two young women who could be no older than 25. Dr Granger then continued to speak.
"If I say to you two, please join Caesar and Marc over here, to my left, and if I say three, please join Donna and Kyle with Professor Snape over there by the door."
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Draco and Hermione along with all the other pairs that had been sent to Donna and Kyle sat in silence. Harry and Padma had been put with Susie and Angel, while Ron and Lisa had been put with Caesar and Marc. Hermione seethed with anger, today was not a good day, she could definitely say that it was one of the worst days she had ever experienced. Now she couldn't even read aloud to herself anymore without the whole room bursting into fits of giggles!
"Psst! Granger!" Draco whispered.
"What is it?"
"Okay, first you sound like Goyle, second, you don't think that I'm, you know, REALLY pregnant am I? I mean, how is that possible?"
"Malfoy you should know better than to say that it's not possible, you are after all, a pureblood that has lived in the world of magic, where anything is possible, for all your life."
Draco scowled and rubbed his stomach, looking more and more motherly by the second.
"Miss Hermione Granger and Mr Draco Malfoy please." Donna called. Hermione and Draco both stood (Draco with difficulty as his stomach was so big). They both entered a small room through a door near a big bookcase. They sat on a comfortable sofa positioned in front of a two-person desk. The walls of the room were green, the floor a polished wood that you could maybe see your own reflection if you bothered to look. Donna had short black hair and small glasses that made her look intelligent, while Kyle had short blonde spiky hair that made him look cool and collected. They both wore stethoscopes around their necks; Snape was standing in a corner, a table of small bottles of purple liquid beside him and a small smile on his lips.
"Now, Mr Malfoy, I'll check your stomach to see if there is an actual baby in there, then see if I can fix it for you, while Donna shall be showing you, Miss Granger, over to Mr Snape."
Hermione walked over to the table in front of Snape with Donna closely behind her, she sat quietly and suspiciously down on the chair positioned in front of the table, wondering why on earth it was there.
"Now Miss Granger is it? My name is Donna Wilkins, a healer from St Mungos and yes, a qualified one. Now you mustn't worry yourself, we have found a solution to your . . . masculinity, and it is indeed in those bottles straight in front of you. Mr Snape over here brewed these potions in case of any side effects like this, he shall explain more while I try and help Kyle examine Mr Malfoy."
Donna gave a curt nod and turned to see that Draco was now waddling around the room, trying to prevent Kyle from examining his stomach (Kyle was now chasing Draco around the room, Donna joined their chase) Hermione tried to avoid the stare that Snape was giving her, as well as a pregnant Draco trying to run away. Now was not the time to get nervous at someone's gaze . . . she knew that, but being changed into practically an old man with a bushy beard and hair to match wasn't exactly one of the most self confident moments she had ever experienced . . .
"Now, Miss Granger, these potions shall change you back to normal, and let me tell you that they only work for the girls. Some idiot sneaked up here and drunk one, a BOY, and he turned into a lovely warthog, so don't be surprised to see him crawling around. But I must warn you that these may have side effects, are you able to handle the consequences?"
"Will I change back eventually, even without the potion?"
Snape raised an eyebrow and tried very hard not to laugh at Hermione's 'broken' voice, although in the end he couldn't suppress the wide smirk that grew on his face.
"Yes, those healers over there estimate about . . . two months before the beard at least disappears magically, but might I recommend Miss Granger, that you take the potion no matter what the consequences, for even though I am the head of Slytherin house, and you are the favourite student of Gryffindor, you are paired with my favourite student, and I would not like him to suffer all the names that he would be called by being with someone who is half man and half woman."
She hesitated, what if the side effects were even worse? But then again, what could be worse than having people mistake you for man, when even when you were normal looking people still mistook you for a man? Did people mistake her for a man?? Snape had got her so muddled, she didn't care, she was in no way having people mistake her for a boy!!!!
"I'll take it!!!"
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I know I kind of ranted on, and it isn't even the end of ONE day yet! I thought if I carried on it would be too long, which I guess it is, although some of you would call this average! I have this feeling it waffled on . . . slightly . . . maybe quite a bit . . .
~Girl-who-is-hyper-drinking-coke-what-is-she-like-when-she-drinks-alchohol . . .
PS. I made a mistake in the last chapter! AH! I put that Draco would have written to his father, but I forgot that I said he was dead right at the beginning of this fic.
PPS. Okay, I might not update in a while as I am on a writer's block for this fic. I will update, no doubt I will but it's hard to make the chapters funny as I don't normally write funny fics. All I'm saying is don't rush me, but I WILL UPDATE ASAP! REVIEW AND MAKE ME TYPE FASTER!
PPPS. Here's a recommended read: READ FLUFF'S FIC - THE BACHELOR!!!
PPPPS. I AM SOOOOOOOOOOOOO SORRY it took this long!!! Like I said at the top, and before this, my Internet went haywire, the phone didn't work so my AOL wouldn't connect, I am so sorry!!! Please carry on reading and reviewing this fic, pleeeeeeease!!! It would mean SO much to me!!!!