Shedding Skin
(Sequel to Outside, Looking In)
Disclaimer: Jeez. I had forgotten how annoying these were. I don't own them.
Pairings: FujiTezu, Fujincest
Warnings: Slightly limey (sour?) for only part two. vv;
I. Part One
All my life, the things I've heard…
"Ne, Yuuta, why can't you be more like him?"
"Yuuta, he never was this clumsy…"
"Hey, little boy, when're you gonna to stop hiding behind him?"
"Yuuta-kun, please give these chocolates to your brother."
The things they've repeated over and over…
"Yuuta, why can't you be more like him?
"Yuuta, he got this so quickly. Why must I repeat myself over and over again with you?"
"Oh Yuuta, your brother is so talented."
I tried to cover my ears and block them out. I want to become my own person.
"Yuuta, why can't you be more like him?"
"Yuuta-kun, your tennis sucks compared to his."
I loved my brother. Maybe that love is still there, but…
"Yuuta, why can't you be more like him?"
YES, GODDAMNIT, WHY CAN'T I FUCKING BE MORE LIKE SYUUSUKE?!
The front door slammed shut. From the kitchen, Fuji Yoshiko emerged to greet her oldest son, who usually came home about this hour, but was instead pleasantly surprised by a visit from her younger, less frequently seen, son.
"Yuuta!" she exclaimed with a delighted smile. "I didn't know that you were stopping by!" She attacked him with a large, enthusiastic hug.
"Hi Mom," he mumbled out in a monotonous voice. "There was something wrong with the water pipes so they had to shut down the St. Rudolph dormitories…" his voice trailed off when he noticed his mother wasn't really listening.
"Oh, I'm just so happy you're home."
"…yeah, whatever," Yuuta replied with a slight blush and began to climb the stairs to his bedroom.
"By the way," Yoshiko called after him. "Have you seen Syuusuke?"
"No," Yuuta grunted back as his older sister emerged from her room.
"Mom? I thought I heard Yuu—YUUTA!" She then proceeded to attack her youngest brother with the same large and enthusiastic hug.
From her arms, Yuuta sweatdropped. Sometimes, his family was so affectionate that it was creepy.
Syuusuke still didn't show up during dinner. Not that Yuuta really cared; he was just too busy stuffing his face. Home cooking sure tasted great when the last couple of meals were either take-out or prepared by Mizuki. Yuuta shuddered at the thought. Mizuki's cooking wasn't much better than his fashion sense.
"Ne, I wonder where Syuusuke is," Yoshiko began, worriedly, glancing at the clock.
"Probably with that Tezuka," Yumiko replied, setting down her chopsticks. "He's been hanging around him a lot."
"Oh really? Is Tezuka a nice boy?"
"Uh…" Yumiko turned to Yuuta. "Haven't you played against Seigaku before? What's Tezuka like?"
Yuuta shrugged. How the hell was he supposed to know how Tezuka acted like? The guy never talked when Yuuta was around. He said just that.
"Well, I trust Syuusuke's judgment. He's always had a good eye."
Yuuta's eyebrow began to twitch. Here they went again. Talking about how Syuusuke was great at this, good at that, tensai all around. He grabbed the glass of water rather angrily and chugged the liquid down.
"I hope Tezuka is handsome," Yoshiko added.
There was a loud 'GACK!' as Yuuta promptly choked on his water and spat it out across the table.
"Yuuta!" his mother scolded. "It's rude to spit."
The guilty one, however, was currently too traumatized to do anything. The picture of his older brother dressed in a school girl's uniform holding Tezuka's hand in a field of flowers was firmly engraved into his head.
"Umm… Yuuta," Yumiko began, poking the paralyzed Yuuta in the forehead. "What exactly do they feed you in St. Rudolph?"
Syuusuke arrived at the house about mid-way through dinner and before Yuuta could even think about escaping, the tensai promptly attached himself to his younger brother with a LARGE, ENTHUSASTIC, EXTREMELY AFFECTIONATE hug. Yuuta soon began to turn blue from the lack of oxygen.
Yoshiko sighed, smiling softly. "They're so cute."
A sweatdrop rolled down Yumiko's head. "If you say so, Mother."
The height of my so-called hatred for Syuusuke started the year before I entered Seigaku Junior High. After that, it became like a quiet flame, constantly and consisting burning angrily, but never exploding into a bonfire. My rage was silent, but self-consuming. Every day I was tormented by others to become Syuusuke, and then myself to become something more than Syuusuke.
It wasn't fair that he was born with a natural talent in everything. Yes, everything. I have never seen him broken before. It wasn't that he was the best; Syuusuke never cared much about competition. However, his lack of motivation made everything he did seem easy because he never tried. In that sense, he succeeded in out doing those who worked the hardest.
As I said, it was only a so-called hatred. … I mean, sure, I moved from Seigaku to St. Rudolph just to get away from him and his whole gang of worshippers, but hate is just…such…a bad word. Hate can be so many things.
Clearly cut, what I truly despise about Syuusuke is that he didn't know what he was doing to me. I actually didn't know that was the reason I "hated" him until after that match between him and Mizuki. Syuusuke really did not understand the depth that he had hurt me by just being alive, by just being himself.
How can I blame him for that? I only want to be myself. How can I be such a hypocrite and hate another, especially my older brother, for being himself and no one else?
Anyway… I'm not sure what I feel towards him right now. It's certainly not the same doting love I had for him when we were younger. Mizuki began, one night, ranting about how I must turn all my feelings towards Syuusuke into a drive to defeat him, but I lost him after staring at that ridiculous purple sweater of his for too long. The fire to beat Syuusuke at tennis is still there, but it's a new sort of flame now; no where as near dark and menacing as the old one.
However, I knew for sure that I was still uncomfortable with getting physical with Syuusuke. SUCH AS HUGGING.
I think he does it just to annoy the crap out of me. Seriously. Every time he's around me, it's like a pat on the shoulder, or a touch on the arm, or some aggressive hug that is does NOT contain any affection that is brotherly… And he insists on asking if MIZUKI is raping me! What the hell?!
How can a brother like that NOT drive you CRAZY?!
But…then again…
It is kind of…well…touching…
I guess calling me up in the middle of tennis practice to ask if my tennis team mates are getting into my pants, especially the one with the curly hair and bad-ass fashion sense (he keeps on forgetting Mizuki's name), is his way of showing brotherly concern.
…no matter how exasperatingly weird it is.
An annoyed notch twitched violently on Yuuta's forehead as he was unpacking his clothes. Just why…WHY…
"Why, aniki, are you helping me unpack?"
Syuusuke smiled cheerfully, sitting on the floor next to his beloved younger brother. "I'm sorry Yuuta. Would you like me to leave?"
"……never mind," Yuuta muttered hastily. Syuusuke was just trying to be helpful, right? Still, Yuuta could not restrain his irritated twitches as he began folding up his clothes.
"Ne, Yuuta, just why…" Syuusuke held up a horrific purple sweater with pink roses.
"GIVE ME THAT!" Yuuta screeched, snatching it out of his older brother's hands. "It belongs to a friend of mine!" Oh, if Syuusuke found out that the friend happened to be Mizuki…well, lets just say that Mizuki would need to move out of the country right away.
Syuusuke gave him a puzzled look, then returned back to the heap of clothes in front of him.
There was a few minutes pause of silence before Syuusuke began, "Yuuta… What do you think of Tezuka?"
Yuuta began to spaz. Just WHY did EVERYONE REPEAT questions around him?! "I don't know," he gritted through his teeth. "Why?"
"It's just that…"
The younger boy glanced up in surprise. It wasn't like Syuusuke to lose composure and start mumbling. "What, aniki?" he asked, even though he was pretty sure that he did not want to hear about this.
"He's going out with the captain of the Hyotei team."
"I know. Atobe."
"I… Um… What if…"
Oh. So that was it. Yuuta sighed. "You like Tezuka, don't you?"
A surprised look.
"I'm not stupid, aniki, and I'm not that thick-headed," Yuuta grumbled. "Wha—Syuusuke?"
It was those rare times when Yuuta called his older brother by his first name. Then again, he was too shocked to use the proper term. With eyes wide open, he watched as tears began to flow from Syuusuke's deep blue orbs, and watched as they trickled down soft cheeks and around the curve of quivering lips. Syuusuke tried to smile as he picked up another one of Yuuta's shirts with trembling hands. "I—You think… Tez—Tezuka and Atobe…are th—are they happy?" he asked with a shaking, hoarse voice, blinking furiously. "Yuuta?"
I couldn't move. My limbs refused to obey my mind, even though my mind was in a panic. How was I supposed to react to this situation? Syuusuke NEVER lost his composure around me before. All I could do was sit there, dumbly, watching his tears fall faster and faster.
It made me wonder just what kind of person Tezuka is. How can he be so powerful as to break some one like Syuusuke? Then again, I often wondered, how powerful must some one be to tame Atobe?
My brother's eyes met mine and my body just reacted on its own. I found myself blinded by a sort of love that was so strong and overwhelming that it was painful. I wanted to tear at Tezuka and Atobe for making Syuusuke hurt like this, for driving Syuusuke to the point of destroying his outer image. Syuusuke was cutting himself with the shattered shards of his heart and I wanted to stop the blood so badly.
I drew him near and found Syuusuke in a tight embrace. Closing my eyes, I listened to his rapid heart beat and stroked his hair. Don't ask my why I did that. Looking back, it was so embarrassing.
But at the time, it felt right. Very right.
He quieted. Then, he asked me, "Yuuta, do you think it's right that I hate Tezuka for letting himself be taken away from me?"
It struck me that instant. Yes, finally. Yes, finally. Now that my aniki had finally shed his outer, protective layer of skin, I could finally see, finally understand what was inside...
Syuusuke did not just hate Mizuki because he thought that Mizuki would jump me from behind. He hated Mizuki because I left Seigaku for St. Rudolph. In other words, Mizuki "stole" me away from him.
It's the same with Tezuka. Jealousy blew in my ear when Syuusuke mentioned his name. Tezuka was taking my brother away from me.
"Yuuta?" Syuusuke asked softly again when he got no response. "Or do you think I should hate Atobe?"
"It doesn't matter," Yuuta answered, somewhat harshly. "Hate whoever you feel deserves it."
There was a slight chuckle. Syuusuke's voice cracked. "Yeah… good one."
Later, Yumiko went to go check on Yuuta to see how his unpacking was going. However, she got no answer when she knocked on the door. Peeking in, she saw a sleeping Syuusuke nested comfortably against the chest of a sleeping Yuuta.
Yumiko sweatdropped. Her family had serious issues.