CRAZY LUNATIC EXPERIMENTS
Summary: Hermione's aunt has been called to Hogwarts as she needs lots of children to be her 'guinea pigs' and of course, only Dumbledore is nice enough to let someone experiment with his students . . .
HERMIONE'S POV, BUT NARRATED BY ME ~ THE AUTHOR!!!!
NO SPOILERS.
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU TO:
~ Loah ~ Lol, thanks for the review and thanks for the comment in the review, it's nice to know that someone found it funny!!
~ Happigolucki ~ YAY, another person who thought it was funny!! Thank you so much for the review, and I only hope (and pray) that this chapter will be just as good, although I am not sure, seeing as I am the writer and my opinion does not count for anything!!
~Smileyface1314 ~ Thank you!! Although the idea I have to say was due to one of the suggestions that got suggested by one of my reviewers, to then I THANK YOU!!! I love suggestions, I think they're what makes up a truly brill fic!!
~Cacti-chan ~ Thanks, I only hope this chapter will make people laugh as well (because I really don't want them to be TOO OOC and it is so hard)! Thank you for the review once again, and please do review again after you've read this! It would make me so grateful! (And happy but everyone knows that already)
~Some12 ~ Thanks!! Here's the update, although I doubt it was really posted as soon as you would have preferred it to be, but there you go. I hope you REALLY enjoy this chapter, as then I would feel like you need more (hint, hint) Lol . . .
~ Burgundyred ~ Thank you very, very much!! The idea, I have to say that was thanks to one of the suggestions that were sent in from one of my reviewers! You know what's weird though? My friend read the chapter, and she laughed at exactly the same parts! Especially the waddling part!! I find that REALLY creepy . . .
CHAPTER SEVEN: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DISCLAIMER: I own nothing that is actually used in the making of this fanfiction, apart from the computer of course, teehee!!! For all who are bored enough to read the disclaimer, be sure to skip it next time and just read the goddamn chapter!!! (That wasn't meant to sound bad . . . please don't hurt me!)
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"So Malfoy . . . you really pregnant?"
Hermione asked as she sipped her tea. She was doing her best to try and have a civil conversation with Draco, after all, getting angry so much, so often, did her absolutely no good.
"Kind of." Draco replied as he rubbed his still bloated stomach and sipped some of his tea. You may be wondering what on earth they were doing, sipping tea and discussing stuff so nicely, and what happened to Hermione's moustache and beard.
You should have realised by now that Draco is still pregnant in a way, Hermione's beard is gone because of the potion, and her broken voice is also fixed. The rest of the boy's breasts were healable, and the girl's beards were shaven, now the only mutant left is our dear little Draco boy.
It had been about twenty-four hours since the predicament in the doctor's office now. Today, Dr Granger and all the other white-coated people had given them a day off, to recover from the disastrous effects of the second experiment. By 'day off' she actually meant 'staying locked into your bedroom with your partner and no way out'.
Now Draco and Hermione were sitting in front of the gigantic glass wall and looking out towards the lake, watching the mist gather over it. The reason for why they were trying to be civil to each other was all because of Dr Granger. After they had both exited Donna and Kyle's office, Dr Granger and Serena had met them outside and assigned both of them (yep, you guessed it) therapists. Draco had been assigned an elderly man named Stanley, while Hermione was assigned an elderly woman by the name of Betty.
What Betty and Stanley told Draco and Hermione to do, was at least try and be civil to each other, for their own good (after all, stress does the human being no favours).
"What on earth do you mean by 'kind of'?"
"Depends on what you call pregnant."
"Well, I mean pregnant as in, HAVING A BABY. What did you think I meant?"
"No, I'm not pregnant like that. Thought you meant pregnant as in fat. Which I am, NOW, I wasn't then - get that straight."
"Yeah . . . . . . right."
"I WAS NOT FAT WOMAN!"
"Mmm hmm, that's what you think."
"Ugh!!!!!!!"
Hermione let out an evil maniac laugh as Draco scowled and prodded his stomach. She looked at his bloated stomach and let out another laugh, this one more cheerful than maniac-evil-genius-with-dumb-idea's laugh.
"Sure! Laugh at my expense, at least I'm not frickin' purple!!!"
"Yeah? Well . . . . . . . . . ." Hermione stopped and took a deep breath, arguing did no good, that's what Betty had said. 'Arguing never solves anything' she had said in that annoying tone of hers. Indeed Hermione was purple, it was the only side effects of that potion, and personally, Hermione preferred being a pretty shade of purple than a bushy man.
"Malfoy, I am not going to argue with you right now."
"HA! Just cus' you can't think of anything to say, and I thought you were reasonably clever, you purple freak."
"What happened to the civil thing ferret boy?"
"Nothing, it's still here just . . . . . . . . . . . here and not."
"You do realise that that makes no sense whatsoever."
"That's what you think."
Hermione rolled her eyes. 'Oh well,' she thought, 'that bushy beard's gone at least, and purple isn't exactly a bad colour, at least it's not red, imagine what would happen if a bull got into the room . . .'
As you can imagine, being stuck in the same room trying to be friendly towards your worst enemy for a whole day wasn't exactly heaven. In fact, Hermione wouldn't have even minded if she had spent the whole day arguing, just anything but dumb, boring . . . . silence. The windows had even been locked to prevent any form of contact from owls. Basically, this whole day off thing was just part of Dr Granger's studies to see what they did without any form of contact with anyone apart from your partner.
Hermione sighed and got up, placing her teacup next to the tray of biscuits that the house elves had given them at the start of the day to last until the following morning. Yep, it was official, Hermione's dear Aunt Emi was trying to murder her for some unknown reason.
"Where you going Granger?"
"Hermione is my name."
"Right . . . . I repeat, where you going Granger?"
"Trunk."
"I never knew there was a place in Hogwarts called Trunk."
"There isn't."
"Then where you going? I'm bored."
"We're not allowed to leave this room remember? And anyway, why should I tell you?"
"Because you should always tell a pregnant woman everything!"
Hermione raised an eyebrow. "When did you become a woman Malfoy?"
Draco's lips curved into a wide smirk as he replied, "How nice of you to not doubt my manhood for once Granger, and I thought you thought that I was gay."
'Great, he's just gone and twisted my words again,' Hermione thought angrily as she tried to control her temper, if her therapist charged into the room when she started to stab Malfoy then they'd think she was a lunatic! That is, if they didn't already . . .
"Anyway, I'm a pregnant man which makes matters worse, now tell me!!! TELL ME ALL YOUR SECRETS!"
Hermione rolled her eyes and kneeled down, opening her trunk and peering inside. Draco, being the nosey git he was - naturally, peered in as well, looking for any form of blackmail that he could use against Hermione some time in an emergency. For example, any saucy underwear (edible underwear would be a bonus) or any porn mags featuring woman, that would be sure evidence that she was a lesbian.
"Malfoy, stop peering over my shoulder! You won't find anything that you're hoping for, and trust me, I know what you're looking for. My underwear would never be big enough for YOU to wear!!!"
"Oh aren't they Granger? Golly gosh I never knew that!!! You know perfectly well that's not what I'm looking for, anyway, what are you looking for?"
"A solution to your 'pregnancy'. I don't even see how you got pregnant in the first place! But I'm going to see if I can find it in this book I got for my birthday from Ron's mother, Mrs Weasley, she bought it because she knew I needed some light reading."
Hermione brought an enormous book (triple the size of JK's Order of the Phoenix) and dumped it on the desk, careful not to spill any tea. She glared at Draco as he continued to pretend to have a coughing fit - the glaring was due to the 'coughsmartasscough'. Pointing her wand directly as the centre of the book, she muttered a spell and immediately, the book automatically flicked to page 1117.
"It says here that pregnancy in the Wizarding world is basically the same as it is in the muggle world. It's got all the normal explanations . . ."
Hermione muttered to herself, scanning the book pages to see if she could find the exact thing that she was looking for.
"Found it!"
She beckoned the curious Draco over with her free hand, the other pointing to a moving picture of a wizard on the page. Draco looked more closely at the wizard in the picture. He had his hands on his hips, and the part that was moving was his stomach, it was growing, and then decreasing once again, like a fast forward version in a cartoon, the stomach growing and shrinking and growing and shrinking and growing and shrinking . . .
"'The balding man in this picture to the left, was an experiment of the former teacher of Transfiguration in Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry about 1000 years ago, when Hogwarts had first begun. This Transfiguration teacher was known as Loofmot, and was very inexperienced, also loving to experiment with his skills on transfiguring. Soon, he had begun experiments on humans - wizards and witches in the local village of Hogsmeade. This particular experiment resulted in a pregnant man when Loofmot tried to transfigure a local shopkeeper into a woman. There was no actual baby growing in his stomach, but indeed the swollen stomach did not disappear until Loofmot found that it would only disappear under certain circumstances. Loofmot had not enough magic to transfigure this man back into a proper man, but he found that the spell could be reversed once the shopkeeper recognised his manliness once more. His wife soon did the trick.'"
Around the room, silence could only be heard. Slowly, Hermione gulped, a lump suddenly trapped in her throat.
"So . . . . that's the solution Malfoy! See ya!! I'm going to have a shower!!!"
Hermione hurriedly rushed into the bathroom, not even bothering to take any clothes, or even a towel, for she knew what was coming next. Oh, she knew ALL TOO well.
"Not so fast Granger," Draco stood calmly, as Hermione stopped in her tracks, she could feel a hard, cold wand sticking into her back. "Move and you'll be dangling out of that window again."
Hermione gulped, trying her best to stay calm about the situation, and trying to swallow the growing lump in her throat.
"Now turn around and face me."
She did rather obediently, fear reflecting in her eyes (like when those cute little doggies get scared!!! Aw how sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet!!!!!!!).
"Good. I see you've learnt from that little incident yesterday, not to mess with me. Now, my dear little mudblood, I want to get rid of this stomach, and no doubt you want me to stop moaning on and on and on and on and on about it?"
"No duh." Her voice sounded sore, but what could she do? STAND AND NOD?????? Okay, so she could do that, but that's not the point!!!
"Well, you even read it in the book. I need to regain my 'manliness' and to do that I need contact with the opposite sex, and as I can't get out of this room, and I guess you can count as a girl if you drink enough fire whisky, you'll have to do. Now will you cooperate or not?"
"Well seeing as you have a bloody wand in your hand that's pointing straight at my chest, and you bloody well know how to use a wand as much as I hate to admit it, I can't re -
Hermione was gobsmacked. She couldn't even move due to shock, she was just . . . . . .. AH. She could feel Draco's enormous stomach against her flat one, and she could feel his warmth as he prised her mouth open with his tongue and turned an innocent (HA!) kiss into a full on snog.
As Draco continued to explore her mouth of his own free will, Hermione could feel Draco's stomach shrinking slowly, bit by bit . . . . at that moment, all she could think was 'DAMN IT, SHRINK FASTER!'
As his stomach shrunk, she could feel her heart beating faster and faster and faster and faster and faster and faster and faster and faster, gradually beating so fast that she couldn't even count how many times it was beating per second. What frightened her more was the fact that she could even feel the flutters in her stomach and there was a definite 'ping' somewhere up there, whereas normally she had 'pongs' or 'splash' or maybe even 'plop'.
She wanted to squirm about, make it difficult for him to just come up and snog her like this!!!! But it seemed like she had just . . . stopped. Like all her intelligence had slipped away, all because of Malfoy's tongue, slipping itself down her throat. Damn him.
'SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER!!!!!!! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!! !!'
She couldn't even breathe as Draco slipped his tongue out and stepped away from her, chucking his wand onto his bed, and throwing himself onto his bed too. He seemed fully satisfied.
"No need to be like that Granger, you have no idea how good it is to be free of that hell!! How mother did it I will never know."
Draco said as he sat up and stared at Hermione. Her eyes were wide and her hands were over her lips, like she couldn't believe what had just happened. Well, she couldn't actually believe it, it was like a nightmare!!! Or a dream, she really had no idea. Draco smirked at the dazed and confused expression splashed on her face.
"Granger, get over it, I wasn't even giving that snog my best! I only did it because I had to, now get over it and go take your shower - might I say you need it. Oh, but before you do anything else, tell me what lip gloss you had on," He licked his lips and savoured it, "Tastes like strawberry with cream, nice, muggle I expect, but nice none the less. Tell me where to get one and I'll give it to Parkinson next time she attacks me with one of her 'Kissy-wissy Coco kisses'"
Draco waited for some reaction. None came. Hermione was frozen, but only on the outside. Her mind was racing inside, not realising what was happening all around her. She couldn't think properly, she couldn't breath properly, she couldn't even move!!!!
'Oh my god, what have I done??? Hold on, WHAT HAS THAT GIT DONE???? WHAT IF HE'S GIVEN ME COODYS, WHAT IF HE'S STOLEN SOMETHING? WHAT IF HE'S TOUCHED ME IN MY SLEEP? WHAT IF HE'S GOING TO KISS ME AGAIN? WHAT IF I'M NEVER GOING TO BE ABLE TO MOVE? WHAT IF HARRY FINDS OUT? WHAT IF RON DOES? WHAT ABOUT EVERYONE ELSE? WHAT IF NO ONE WILL EVER TALK TO ME AGAIN BECAUSE OF THIS??????????? Okay Hermione, calm down, breathe . . . okay, try again, now breathe . . . . good Hermione, now carry on . . . . oh my god what is he doing? Why is he coming closer??????????'
"Err, Granger? Do you need any help?"
'EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!!!! He's touching me!!!!!!! BREATHE BREATHE BREATHE BREATHE BREATHE BREATHE BREATHE BREATHE BREATHE BREATHE BREATHE BREATHE BREATHE BREATHE BREATHE BREATHE BREATHE BREATHE BREATHE BREATHE BREATHE . . . .EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKKK I CAN'T!!!!'
With a plop, Hermione fainted, out cold, onto the warm, fluffy, (forgot what colour) nice carpet. Draco knelt down to feel her pulse.
"Good, she's alright." Draco mumbled, he didn't want people thinking he'd murdered her now did he?
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Hermione slowly opened her eyes. She had expected the light to blind her as she woke, but no, all was dark in the room, warm, but dark none the less. She coughed and wheezed, using her elbows to push her up. Placing her hands carefully on her head, she could feel something wet. Her mind raced again. Was it blood?
"I see you're awake Granger."
"Malfoy, you didn't try hitting me with something VERY heavy to wake me up did you?"
"Don't flatter yourself Granger, I would never waste my strength and time to actually get something and hit you, I simply poured water all over you."
"That's nice."
"I know, which is why I did it."
"And why, pray tell, weren't you nice enough to carry me back to my bed???"
"I covered you with a blanket! Isn't enough?"
Hermione noticed the thin pink blanket as she squinted through the dark, she was sure that Draco was on his bed, probably just trying to get some sleep. Suddenly, everything came flowing back to her. Every single little detail about the kiss she now remembered, this included that little fluttery feeling in her stomach, and that 'ping' but this time, she had a very different thought system, hehehehehe . . . .
"Oh Draco dear," Hermione purred, choosing to use his first name for better effect, hehehehehehhehehehehehe, she was beginning to enjoy the thought of her plan . . . . .
"You realise you sound just like your Aunt when you do that?" He snickered, his voice travelling through the dark.
"Look, that's not the point! Anyway, Draco, you know that kiss you gave me, fine, snog, to reduce your stomach?"
He nodded in the dark. "Duh!!! No, Granger, I didn't realise that I've lost a whole chunk of my stomach since this morning!!!!"
Hermione sighed, trying hard not to roll her eyes, not that he'd see anyway. "I wonder Draco dear, what would all your Slytherin cronies say if they ever found out that their idol had snogged a muggle-born? AND not only that but also tried to do other things??"
"But that's not true Granger."
"Yes, but they won't know that now will they?"
Nothing could be heard (or seen for that matter) except for very heavy breathing. It wasn't hard to know that Draco was breathing very heavily, trying to think of something smart to say and calm his anger at the same time. It was very hard, Hermione should know . . . .
"What exactly do you want mudblood?"
"For one thing, shut up with that mudblood crap. Second, to do as I wish for however long I please."
"You are one cooky woman."
"Why thank you, now DO IT."
"Evil moo."
"Fat jerk."
"Fine, just don't ruin my reputation."
"What reputation? Okay, first, I think I've sprained my ankle, now carry me to my bed." She fluttered her eyelids innocently, so what if he couldn't see? If he could, that would be for better effect!
"NO!!!"
"Oh I'm so sorry Blaise, I only dyed your hair purple because I match it, and now that Draco has declared his undying love for me -
"Fine, fine, sheesh."
Through the darkness of the room, Hermione could see a dark figure wade towards her, his pace quick and sharp. Of course, her leg wasn't sprained at all, but she didn't feel like walking. To be perfectly honest, she didn't even think that Draco's wimpy non-muscle arms could ever handle her weight, but surprisingly, he easily picked her up and started to slowly make his way towards her bed.
"Malfoy, don't tell me you just wear boxers to sleep."
"What's it to you?"
"Nothing . . . ow! That was my head that hit the post Malfoy!"
"I know."
"Oh I am so sorry Pansy, you can't be Draco's slut anymore, he's all mine, haven't you heard? Oh no, he's NO good -
"Oh shut up Granger."
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I finished this chapter! I suffered a serious block when writing this, so I hope it wasn't too bad! I tried as hard as possible to make it funny, and I'm so sorry if it wasn't, but I had to get the romance in somewhere now didn't I? Please review and if it was utterly useless then . . . WAH!!!!
~Love always, hippy hugs,
~Moi
PS. Crap with kissing scenes too, so there you go.
PPS. MERRY CHRISTMAS, WISHING IT TO BE A WHITE ONE FOR ONCE!
PPPS. You know that fanfic.net aren't allowing anyone to put up author notes in place of chapters, you know, notes that are just going to be there but not including a chapter in the note? What do you think they are going to do? Because I have an author note up, and I don't know how to delete it and I think it's slightly late to edit it by replacing then replacing again, ANSWER ME!!!!!
Summary: Hermione's aunt has been called to Hogwarts as she needs lots of children to be her 'guinea pigs' and of course, only Dumbledore is nice enough to let someone experiment with his students . . .
HERMIONE'S POV, BUT NARRATED BY ME ~ THE AUTHOR!!!!
NO SPOILERS.
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU TO:
~ Loah ~ Lol, thanks for the review and thanks for the comment in the review, it's nice to know that someone found it funny!!
~ Happigolucki ~ YAY, another person who thought it was funny!! Thank you so much for the review, and I only hope (and pray) that this chapter will be just as good, although I am not sure, seeing as I am the writer and my opinion does not count for anything!!
~Smileyface1314 ~ Thank you!! Although the idea I have to say was due to one of the suggestions that got suggested by one of my reviewers, to then I THANK YOU!!! I love suggestions, I think they're what makes up a truly brill fic!!
~Cacti-chan ~ Thanks, I only hope this chapter will make people laugh as well (because I really don't want them to be TOO OOC and it is so hard)! Thank you for the review once again, and please do review again after you've read this! It would make me so grateful! (And happy but everyone knows that already)
~Some12 ~ Thanks!! Here's the update, although I doubt it was really posted as soon as you would have preferred it to be, but there you go. I hope you REALLY enjoy this chapter, as then I would feel like you need more (hint, hint) Lol . . .
~ Burgundyred ~ Thank you very, very much!! The idea, I have to say that was thanks to one of the suggestions that were sent in from one of my reviewers! You know what's weird though? My friend read the chapter, and she laughed at exactly the same parts! Especially the waddling part!! I find that REALLY creepy . . .
CHAPTER SEVEN: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DISCLAIMER: I own nothing that is actually used in the making of this fanfiction, apart from the computer of course, teehee!!! For all who are bored enough to read the disclaimer, be sure to skip it next time and just read the goddamn chapter!!! (That wasn't meant to sound bad . . . please don't hurt me!)
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"So Malfoy . . . you really pregnant?"
Hermione asked as she sipped her tea. She was doing her best to try and have a civil conversation with Draco, after all, getting angry so much, so often, did her absolutely no good.
"Kind of." Draco replied as he rubbed his still bloated stomach and sipped some of his tea. You may be wondering what on earth they were doing, sipping tea and discussing stuff so nicely, and what happened to Hermione's moustache and beard.
You should have realised by now that Draco is still pregnant in a way, Hermione's beard is gone because of the potion, and her broken voice is also fixed. The rest of the boy's breasts were healable, and the girl's beards were shaven, now the only mutant left is our dear little Draco boy.
It had been about twenty-four hours since the predicament in the doctor's office now. Today, Dr Granger and all the other white-coated people had given them a day off, to recover from the disastrous effects of the second experiment. By 'day off' she actually meant 'staying locked into your bedroom with your partner and no way out'.
Now Draco and Hermione were sitting in front of the gigantic glass wall and looking out towards the lake, watching the mist gather over it. The reason for why they were trying to be civil to each other was all because of Dr Granger. After they had both exited Donna and Kyle's office, Dr Granger and Serena had met them outside and assigned both of them (yep, you guessed it) therapists. Draco had been assigned an elderly man named Stanley, while Hermione was assigned an elderly woman by the name of Betty.
What Betty and Stanley told Draco and Hermione to do, was at least try and be civil to each other, for their own good (after all, stress does the human being no favours).
"What on earth do you mean by 'kind of'?"
"Depends on what you call pregnant."
"Well, I mean pregnant as in, HAVING A BABY. What did you think I meant?"
"No, I'm not pregnant like that. Thought you meant pregnant as in fat. Which I am, NOW, I wasn't then - get that straight."
"Yeah . . . . . . right."
"I WAS NOT FAT WOMAN!"
"Mmm hmm, that's what you think."
"Ugh!!!!!!!"
Hermione let out an evil maniac laugh as Draco scowled and prodded his stomach. She looked at his bloated stomach and let out another laugh, this one more cheerful than maniac-evil-genius-with-dumb-idea's laugh.
"Sure! Laugh at my expense, at least I'm not frickin' purple!!!"
"Yeah? Well . . . . . . . . . ." Hermione stopped and took a deep breath, arguing did no good, that's what Betty had said. 'Arguing never solves anything' she had said in that annoying tone of hers. Indeed Hermione was purple, it was the only side effects of that potion, and personally, Hermione preferred being a pretty shade of purple than a bushy man.
"Malfoy, I am not going to argue with you right now."
"HA! Just cus' you can't think of anything to say, and I thought you were reasonably clever, you purple freak."
"What happened to the civil thing ferret boy?"
"Nothing, it's still here just . . . . . . . . . . . here and not."
"You do realise that that makes no sense whatsoever."
"That's what you think."
Hermione rolled her eyes. 'Oh well,' she thought, 'that bushy beard's gone at least, and purple isn't exactly a bad colour, at least it's not red, imagine what would happen if a bull got into the room . . .'
As you can imagine, being stuck in the same room trying to be friendly towards your worst enemy for a whole day wasn't exactly heaven. In fact, Hermione wouldn't have even minded if she had spent the whole day arguing, just anything but dumb, boring . . . . silence. The windows had even been locked to prevent any form of contact from owls. Basically, this whole day off thing was just part of Dr Granger's studies to see what they did without any form of contact with anyone apart from your partner.
Hermione sighed and got up, placing her teacup next to the tray of biscuits that the house elves had given them at the start of the day to last until the following morning. Yep, it was official, Hermione's dear Aunt Emi was trying to murder her for some unknown reason.
"Where you going Granger?"
"Hermione is my name."
"Right . . . . I repeat, where you going Granger?"
"Trunk."
"I never knew there was a place in Hogwarts called Trunk."
"There isn't."
"Then where you going? I'm bored."
"We're not allowed to leave this room remember? And anyway, why should I tell you?"
"Because you should always tell a pregnant woman everything!"
Hermione raised an eyebrow. "When did you become a woman Malfoy?"
Draco's lips curved into a wide smirk as he replied, "How nice of you to not doubt my manhood for once Granger, and I thought you thought that I was gay."
'Great, he's just gone and twisted my words again,' Hermione thought angrily as she tried to control her temper, if her therapist charged into the room when she started to stab Malfoy then they'd think she was a lunatic! That is, if they didn't already . . .
"Anyway, I'm a pregnant man which makes matters worse, now tell me!!! TELL ME ALL YOUR SECRETS!"
Hermione rolled her eyes and kneeled down, opening her trunk and peering inside. Draco, being the nosey git he was - naturally, peered in as well, looking for any form of blackmail that he could use against Hermione some time in an emergency. For example, any saucy underwear (edible underwear would be a bonus) or any porn mags featuring woman, that would be sure evidence that she was a lesbian.
"Malfoy, stop peering over my shoulder! You won't find anything that you're hoping for, and trust me, I know what you're looking for. My underwear would never be big enough for YOU to wear!!!"
"Oh aren't they Granger? Golly gosh I never knew that!!! You know perfectly well that's not what I'm looking for, anyway, what are you looking for?"
"A solution to your 'pregnancy'. I don't even see how you got pregnant in the first place! But I'm going to see if I can find it in this book I got for my birthday from Ron's mother, Mrs Weasley, she bought it because she knew I needed some light reading."
Hermione brought an enormous book (triple the size of JK's Order of the Phoenix) and dumped it on the desk, careful not to spill any tea. She glared at Draco as he continued to pretend to have a coughing fit - the glaring was due to the 'coughsmartasscough'. Pointing her wand directly as the centre of the book, she muttered a spell and immediately, the book automatically flicked to page 1117.
"It says here that pregnancy in the Wizarding world is basically the same as it is in the muggle world. It's got all the normal explanations . . ."
Hermione muttered to herself, scanning the book pages to see if she could find the exact thing that she was looking for.
"Found it!"
She beckoned the curious Draco over with her free hand, the other pointing to a moving picture of a wizard on the page. Draco looked more closely at the wizard in the picture. He had his hands on his hips, and the part that was moving was his stomach, it was growing, and then decreasing once again, like a fast forward version in a cartoon, the stomach growing and shrinking and growing and shrinking and growing and shrinking . . .
"'The balding man in this picture to the left, was an experiment of the former teacher of Transfiguration in Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry about 1000 years ago, when Hogwarts had first begun. This Transfiguration teacher was known as Loofmot, and was very inexperienced, also loving to experiment with his skills on transfiguring. Soon, he had begun experiments on humans - wizards and witches in the local village of Hogsmeade. This particular experiment resulted in a pregnant man when Loofmot tried to transfigure a local shopkeeper into a woman. There was no actual baby growing in his stomach, but indeed the swollen stomach did not disappear until Loofmot found that it would only disappear under certain circumstances. Loofmot had not enough magic to transfigure this man back into a proper man, but he found that the spell could be reversed once the shopkeeper recognised his manliness once more. His wife soon did the trick.'"
Around the room, silence could only be heard. Slowly, Hermione gulped, a lump suddenly trapped in her throat.
"So . . . . that's the solution Malfoy! See ya!! I'm going to have a shower!!!"
Hermione hurriedly rushed into the bathroom, not even bothering to take any clothes, or even a towel, for she knew what was coming next. Oh, she knew ALL TOO well.
"Not so fast Granger," Draco stood calmly, as Hermione stopped in her tracks, she could feel a hard, cold wand sticking into her back. "Move and you'll be dangling out of that window again."
Hermione gulped, trying her best to stay calm about the situation, and trying to swallow the growing lump in her throat.
"Now turn around and face me."
She did rather obediently, fear reflecting in her eyes (like when those cute little doggies get scared!!! Aw how sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet!!!!!!!).
"Good. I see you've learnt from that little incident yesterday, not to mess with me. Now, my dear little mudblood, I want to get rid of this stomach, and no doubt you want me to stop moaning on and on and on and on and on about it?"
"No duh." Her voice sounded sore, but what could she do? STAND AND NOD?????? Okay, so she could do that, but that's not the point!!!
"Well, you even read it in the book. I need to regain my 'manliness' and to do that I need contact with the opposite sex, and as I can't get out of this room, and I guess you can count as a girl if you drink enough fire whisky, you'll have to do. Now will you cooperate or not?"
"Well seeing as you have a bloody wand in your hand that's pointing straight at my chest, and you bloody well know how to use a wand as much as I hate to admit it, I can't re -
Hermione was gobsmacked. She couldn't even move due to shock, she was just . . . . . .. AH. She could feel Draco's enormous stomach against her flat one, and she could feel his warmth as he prised her mouth open with his tongue and turned an innocent (HA!) kiss into a full on snog.
As Draco continued to explore her mouth of his own free will, Hermione could feel Draco's stomach shrinking slowly, bit by bit . . . . at that moment, all she could think was 'DAMN IT, SHRINK FASTER!'
As his stomach shrunk, she could feel her heart beating faster and faster and faster and faster and faster and faster and faster and faster, gradually beating so fast that she couldn't even count how many times it was beating per second. What frightened her more was the fact that she could even feel the flutters in her stomach and there was a definite 'ping' somewhere up there, whereas normally she had 'pongs' or 'splash' or maybe even 'plop'.
She wanted to squirm about, make it difficult for him to just come up and snog her like this!!!! But it seemed like she had just . . . stopped. Like all her intelligence had slipped away, all because of Malfoy's tongue, slipping itself down her throat. Damn him.
'SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER!!!!!!! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!! !!'
She couldn't even breathe as Draco slipped his tongue out and stepped away from her, chucking his wand onto his bed, and throwing himself onto his bed too. He seemed fully satisfied.
"No need to be like that Granger, you have no idea how good it is to be free of that hell!! How mother did it I will never know."
Draco said as he sat up and stared at Hermione. Her eyes were wide and her hands were over her lips, like she couldn't believe what had just happened. Well, she couldn't actually believe it, it was like a nightmare!!! Or a dream, she really had no idea. Draco smirked at the dazed and confused expression splashed on her face.
"Granger, get over it, I wasn't even giving that snog my best! I only did it because I had to, now get over it and go take your shower - might I say you need it. Oh, but before you do anything else, tell me what lip gloss you had on," He licked his lips and savoured it, "Tastes like strawberry with cream, nice, muggle I expect, but nice none the less. Tell me where to get one and I'll give it to Parkinson next time she attacks me with one of her 'Kissy-wissy Coco kisses'"
Draco waited for some reaction. None came. Hermione was frozen, but only on the outside. Her mind was racing inside, not realising what was happening all around her. She couldn't think properly, she couldn't breath properly, she couldn't even move!!!!
'Oh my god, what have I done??? Hold on, WHAT HAS THAT GIT DONE???? WHAT IF HE'S GIVEN ME COODYS, WHAT IF HE'S STOLEN SOMETHING? WHAT IF HE'S TOUCHED ME IN MY SLEEP? WHAT IF HE'S GOING TO KISS ME AGAIN? WHAT IF I'M NEVER GOING TO BE ABLE TO MOVE? WHAT IF HARRY FINDS OUT? WHAT IF RON DOES? WHAT ABOUT EVERYONE ELSE? WHAT IF NO ONE WILL EVER TALK TO ME AGAIN BECAUSE OF THIS??????????? Okay Hermione, calm down, breathe . . . okay, try again, now breathe . . . . good Hermione, now carry on . . . . oh my god what is he doing? Why is he coming closer??????????'
"Err, Granger? Do you need any help?"
'EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!!!! He's touching me!!!!!!! BREATHE BREATHE BREATHE BREATHE BREATHE BREATHE BREATHE BREATHE BREATHE BREATHE BREATHE BREATHE BREATHE BREATHE BREATHE BREATHE BREATHE BREATHE BREATHE BREATHE BREATHE . . . .EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKKK I CAN'T!!!!'
With a plop, Hermione fainted, out cold, onto the warm, fluffy, (forgot what colour) nice carpet. Draco knelt down to feel her pulse.
"Good, she's alright." Draco mumbled, he didn't want people thinking he'd murdered her now did he?
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Hermione slowly opened her eyes. She had expected the light to blind her as she woke, but no, all was dark in the room, warm, but dark none the less. She coughed and wheezed, using her elbows to push her up. Placing her hands carefully on her head, she could feel something wet. Her mind raced again. Was it blood?
"I see you're awake Granger."
"Malfoy, you didn't try hitting me with something VERY heavy to wake me up did you?"
"Don't flatter yourself Granger, I would never waste my strength and time to actually get something and hit you, I simply poured water all over you."
"That's nice."
"I know, which is why I did it."
"And why, pray tell, weren't you nice enough to carry me back to my bed???"
"I covered you with a blanket! Isn't enough?"
Hermione noticed the thin pink blanket as she squinted through the dark, she was sure that Draco was on his bed, probably just trying to get some sleep. Suddenly, everything came flowing back to her. Every single little detail about the kiss she now remembered, this included that little fluttery feeling in her stomach, and that 'ping' but this time, she had a very different thought system, hehehehehe . . . .
"Oh Draco dear," Hermione purred, choosing to use his first name for better effect, hehehehehehhehehehehehe, she was beginning to enjoy the thought of her plan . . . . .
"You realise you sound just like your Aunt when you do that?" He snickered, his voice travelling through the dark.
"Look, that's not the point! Anyway, Draco, you know that kiss you gave me, fine, snog, to reduce your stomach?"
He nodded in the dark. "Duh!!! No, Granger, I didn't realise that I've lost a whole chunk of my stomach since this morning!!!!"
Hermione sighed, trying hard not to roll her eyes, not that he'd see anyway. "I wonder Draco dear, what would all your Slytherin cronies say if they ever found out that their idol had snogged a muggle-born? AND not only that but also tried to do other things??"
"But that's not true Granger."
"Yes, but they won't know that now will they?"
Nothing could be heard (or seen for that matter) except for very heavy breathing. It wasn't hard to know that Draco was breathing very heavily, trying to think of something smart to say and calm his anger at the same time. It was very hard, Hermione should know . . . .
"What exactly do you want mudblood?"
"For one thing, shut up with that mudblood crap. Second, to do as I wish for however long I please."
"You are one cooky woman."
"Why thank you, now DO IT."
"Evil moo."
"Fat jerk."
"Fine, just don't ruin my reputation."
"What reputation? Okay, first, I think I've sprained my ankle, now carry me to my bed." She fluttered her eyelids innocently, so what if he couldn't see? If he could, that would be for better effect!
"NO!!!"
"Oh I'm so sorry Blaise, I only dyed your hair purple because I match it, and now that Draco has declared his undying love for me -
"Fine, fine, sheesh."
Through the darkness of the room, Hermione could see a dark figure wade towards her, his pace quick and sharp. Of course, her leg wasn't sprained at all, but she didn't feel like walking. To be perfectly honest, she didn't even think that Draco's wimpy non-muscle arms could ever handle her weight, but surprisingly, he easily picked her up and started to slowly make his way towards her bed.
"Malfoy, don't tell me you just wear boxers to sleep."
"What's it to you?"
"Nothing . . . ow! That was my head that hit the post Malfoy!"
"I know."
"Oh I am so sorry Pansy, you can't be Draco's slut anymore, he's all mine, haven't you heard? Oh no, he's NO good -
"Oh shut up Granger."
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I finished this chapter! I suffered a serious block when writing this, so I hope it wasn't too bad! I tried as hard as possible to make it funny, and I'm so sorry if it wasn't, but I had to get the romance in somewhere now didn't I? Please review and if it was utterly useless then . . . WAH!!!!
~Love always, hippy hugs,
~Moi
PS. Crap with kissing scenes too, so there you go.
PPS. MERRY CHRISTMAS, WISHING IT TO BE A WHITE ONE FOR ONCE!
PPPS. You know that fanfic.net aren't allowing anyone to put up author notes in place of chapters, you know, notes that are just going to be there but not including a chapter in the note? What do you think they are going to do? Because I have an author note up, and I don't know how to delete it and I think it's slightly late to edit it by replacing then replacing again, ANSWER ME!!!!!