CRAZY LUNATIC EXPERIMENTS
Summary: Hermione's aunt has been called to Hogwarts as she needs lots of children to be her 'guinea pigs' and of course, only Dumbledore is nice enough to let someone experiment with his students . . .
NARRATED BY MOI!
NO SPOILERS.
THANK YOU THANK YOU TO:
~ Smileyface1314 ~ Lol, thanks for your review! I'm glad you enjoyed it, and had a good time in New York too, and also thank you for the suggestion for the ending!! Any little scrap of detail about the ending that ANYONE suggests, I shall be grateful for!!!
~Burgundyred ~ Thanks for the mass of specific detail, hehe - I liked it! Anyway, yeah, he called it beautiful, but what can you expect? He's Draco . . . and as for Dr. Granger, well she's never been purple, hehe, if only . . . plus, Serena was supposed to be annoying in the first place, and Lee was created also to annoy. You know when you said I should have more Lee? Someone else said that, strange huh? And I'm not sure if I should have more Lee . . . he annoys me too much for me to write him in anywhere!
~Midnight solitaire ~ Thanks for the review, and I am still thinking about that epilogue that you wanted me to write . . . anyway, yeah, Lee looks slightly like Legolas, but more of an arse! HAHA!
~Dracoluver2009 ~ Lol, I hope you can breathe now . . . here's the update, hope you like it! PLEASE REVIEW AFTERWARDS!
~LythTaeraneth ~ Lol, yeah, Lee is really annoying isn't he, and yeah, that is the point of him being here! Anyway, he was originally going to be called James, but then I thought of Harry's dad, and then realised how much of an insult that would be, hehe . . .
~ Fluff ~ Thanks for the review, and for helping me with the ending of this thing! At first, I wasn't sure if a prune actually fit Hermione's purpleness, I had to ask all my friends whether I got the prune fact right or not hehe . . .
~Happigolucki ~ Lol, that's okay, all that matters is that you reviewed this one! Meaning you actually read the chapter, and as long as SOMEBODY read it, I guess I'm satisfied, thanks!
~Some12 ~ Thank you so much for the review! I'm glad you enjoyed it and thought it funny, here's the update, ENJOY!!! (And again I'm sorry it took so long, but I still need the time, and compared to others, this is a fast update. Also, better good than pathetic! And only time can do that!)
~Heather Malfoy ~ Hehe, just glad that your enjoying my writings! Thanks for the review, really appreciated it! I hope you continue to read!!
~Loah ~ Erm . . . thanks for reviewing . . . what about the green goo?
~ Harmonic Friction ~ HEHE, YAY!! Its you!! Finally you!! Sorry, hyperness freak I know, thanks for the bio thing, to me it's just a whole lot of nonsense that I felt like typing, which I guess it actually is, but that's not the point! I'm pretty always hyper, so that's why this fic is!! Hehe!
FOR BETTER EFFECT: Read Hermione and Draco's speech with your tongue stuck out!!!!!!!
CHAPTER NINE: A lesson with the therapist
DISCLAIMER: Harry Potter and other characters etc. are all J.K.Rowling's creations and have nothing to do with moi. Warner Bro.'s may also have permission to use Harry Potter characters as they are in charge of the film, but still, this has nothing to do with ME. Everyone already knows, but in case you're new to this business, I'm telling you again.
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"I can'd hel the fact dat I can'd tal cockerly!" (Translation: I can't help the fact that I can't talk properly!) Hermione tried to say as calmly as she could, although right now she felt nothing more than the urge to punch someone, namely Betty, the therapist that had lost her hearing aid.
She knew that everyone always said 'respect his or her elders' but Betty was so bloomin' annoying, you just couldn't help but wonder how anyone could resist smacking the old bird. Let's just say Hermione wouldn't be surprised if she were related to Lee.
"Now my dear, my hearing isn't what it used to be!! Do speak up, and stop sticking your tongue out!! It's very rude." Betty squinted at Hermione through her thick glasses, her hand behind her ear like she was desperately trying to hear what she was saying.
"I SAID, I CAN'D HEL THE FACT DAT I CAN'D TAL COCKERLY!!!!!!" Hermione practically screamed in Betty's ear. "IS NOT MY FALT DAT MAFOY THWEW WOO AT ME AN MADE MY TONGUE SWUCK!!!!!!"
"Now dear, calm down, remember, breathe in and out, it always helps!!!!" Betty smiled and sat back, still squinting at Hermione. Suddenly, she got up and hobbled over to a chair next to her (she had been sitting opposite just then). Waving her wand, another chair appeared next to the one she had just been sitting on.
"Stanley dear!!! You can come in now!!!!!!"
Hermione felt like strangling the old bat. She knew whom she meant by Stanley. Stanley the old man with hair sticking out of his ears, Stanley the old man who was also an annoying psycho therapist, Stanley the old man who was the therapist of her so called partner, known as Malfoy.
Stanley hobbled in with a walking stick, he settled himself down on the seat opposite Betty - they smiled at each other, their wrinkles becoming even more wrinkled. Hermione shuddered and hoped that she would never grow old.
"Where's the boy Stanley?" Betty asked, now craning her neck to look outside.
"He was with me a few seconds ago, DRACO????"
Stanley's gruff voice echoed around the little room. Instead of Draco entering, a fairly average height man with half moon glasses and snow-white hair and beard entered. Hermione thought THAT was Draco for a minute, until she looked properly and realised it was Dumbledore.
"Ah, Albus, how nice of you to join us."
"Hello, Stanley, Betty, I wanted to join your talk with Miss Granger and Mr Malfoy, their head of house are here too. Speaking of which, where is Mr Malfoy?"
Dumbledore stepped in the room and used his wand to summon three comfy armchairs, just behind Betty. He sat on the first one, closely followed by Snape and McGonagall, who settled themselves rather stiffly down on the remaining chairs. Snape raised an eyebrow and shouted in a booming voice.
"DRACO MALFOY!!!! I SHALL HAVE TO BE FORCED TO TAKE POINTS FROM MY OWN HOUSE IF YOU DO NOT GET YOURSELF IN HERE!!!!!"
Now it isn't very often that you hear Mister Snape shout, or raise his voice. Maybe hex you, or force you to take a poisonous potion that will lead to your miserable death, but never really shout, SHOUT. Draco, being the naturally nosey and curious person he was, stuck his head through the door with a blank expression on his face.
"You called Pwofesswor??"
"Indeed I called Mr Malfoy! Have you no respect for this elderly and growing deaf man??" Snape asked, now standing and stalking over to the door. Grabbing Draco by the hair, he pulled him across to the chair opposite Hermione. Stanley looked down at his clipboard as if he couldn't hear anything anyone had just said.
"Well, duh I don'd have any resect for the deaf ol bloke!!!!!!!!"
Draco rolled his eyes and brushed his hair back, trying to use the remaining pot of gel he had placed on his head to keep the tuft Snape had tugged, down. Of all things he could have pulled, it HAD to be his hair.
"You know, I'm not as deaf as Betty!!" Stanley frowned, shouting loudly, startling Draco slightly.
"Could 'ave fooled me." Draco muttered darkly, trying his best to scowl with his green tongue still stuck out.
"Now, me and Stanley think that to stop you two arguing, you should let out all your anger, let it all out at each other in one go. Then you should have nothing left to argue about!" Betty smiled, her dentures showing. (**shudder**)
"Hold on children, we'll explain more after Mister Snape here gives you all some potion so you can talk properly." Stanley beckoned to Snape who held two vials of smelly liquid - make that YELLOW smelly liquid.
"I told you Stanley dear, they can talk perfectly fine, they just don't want to. You know children these days!" Betty rolled her eyes and pinched Hermione's cheek. She took her hanky, spat on it and rubbed it on her nose. "You had some dirt on your nose dear." Hermione visibly shuddered.
"Miss Granger, Mr Malfoy, if you please both stand and open your mouths," Snape said as he opened both of the vials.
"Cough, ewwwwwww, what in ell is dat????" Draco scrunched his nose up, the smell was horrible, and it didn't help that the mixture had little bits floating in it.
"It's a mixture of dragon urine and beetle scales, it can defreeze anything, maybe not change things back to their original colour, but it can defreeze anything that has been frozen, including your tongues."
Draco and Hermione's eyes widened. What was Snape trying to do? KILL THEM?????? (Most probably)
"DRAGON WEE???? EWWWWWWWWWW!!!"
"Well obviously it's ew if you say it like that, try urine, it sounds much better than 'wee'. I hope you two aren't deaf as well as unable to talk properly, two deaf people are enough to deal with thank you. . ."
"I TOLD YOU, I AM NOT DEAF!!! BETTY IS!!!" Stanley exclaimed indignantly. Draco, Hermione and Snape looked at him, eyebrows raised. Snape looked terribly annoyed.
"Whatever. Now open up you two."
"Granger's going first!!!" Draco pushed Hermione forward, and before she could do anything, Snape had poured the entire vial of dragon wee, okay, URINE, in her mouth. Hermione coughed, she had nearly choked, but she tried to look like it didn't taste bad, which I assure you, IT DID.
"How was it?" Draco frowned anxiously, he didn't like to drink, eat, or smell for that matter, smelly stuff thanks.
"Oh very tasty, it's like pumpkin juice really, you should try it." Hermione smiled. Now at least, she didn't look awkward smiling as her tongue could go back in her mouth. Even if her tongue did make her want to puke.
Draco raised an eyebrow. Was Granger telling the truth? Well, he didn't think she could stay so calm if it did taste awful. He stepped over to Snape who was now looking at Hermione's wavering smile as she resisted the urge to head to the nearest bog.
Snape poured the next vial into Draco's mouth, and he immediately regretted it.
"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! Cough," Draco choked and spluttered as Hermione burst out laughing, suddenly she didn't feel much like puking anymore.
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA, my god Malfoy," Hermione stopped laughing and wiped a tear from her eye. Draco pouted and stood with his arms folded in a girlish manner.
"More of an actress than I thought you were Granger," Draco nodded approvingly, his usual smirk spreading back onto his face.
"Never underestimate a woman Malfoy, now that was a lesson well learnt." Hermione sat back down, as did Draco. Betty and Stanley were both smiling at them, which rather creeped both of them out (A/N: think, killer dentures with bad breath)
"Oh children, that was the first time I have heard you two talk to each other without trying to rip the other apart! That was lovely!" Betty exclaimed, clapping her hands together as she did so. She was so pleased that Hermione had tricked Draco and laughed at him rather than ripped his head off. Personally, Hermione didn't know what the old woman was thinking.
"Now that your tongues have been untied, even if they are still green, let's get on with this, we only have the rest of the day!" Stanley gave a laugh before rubbing his hairy ears. He waved his wand, making a cupboard appear in the corner.
Stanley stood and wobbled over to the cupboard. He beckoned Hermione and Draco over to the cupboard where a small space in front was given for them to stand. The space was surprisingly big compared to the rest of the room.
"Now in here is something that me and Betty have used for years and it has never failed! As Betty has said before, we figured that if you let everything out at each other in one go, you'll have nothing to fight about anymore!"
Stanley opened the cupboard door and took out two metal posts with thick, soft, foamy things wrapped around it. He handed the pink one to Hermione, and the green one to Draco.
"Betty and I are going to watch you two from our seats, along with Mr Snape, Ms McGonagall, and Mr Dumbledore! Use these bats to hit each other as hard as you can, they are soft, so neither of you should get hurt. Now get ready, when I say go now . ."
Draco held up his bat like he would do with a baseball bat, concentrating on hitting Hermione's head. Hermione held the bat loosely and concentrated on hitting Draco somewhere where it hurt - his hair. Oh this was going to be fun, hehehe . . . .
"GO!!!!!"
'WHAM'
A blow in the stomach from Draco Malfoy!!!
'SMACK'
A blow in the face from Hermione Granger!!!
'BANG'
Whacked Hermione into the cupboard, of course by Draco.
'CRASH!!!!!!'
Crashed straight into Betty, making her collide onto the floor, her dentures falling out of her mouth.
'WHAMSMACKBANGCRASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'
Draco fell to the floor rubbing his cheek, his stomach, his head, and his back as he had just crashed into the window. Luckily, it didn't break cus' it was double-glazed. Hermione stood over him in triumph as he struggled to get himself up. Just as he was about to stand, he fell back onto the floor as Hermione had just sat on his stomach.
"Revenge is sweet Malfoy," Hermione grinned, she held up her pink bat and began to whack Draco round the head with it.
"YOU STUPID ANNOYING BLOODY INFURIATING SPOILT DISGUSTING SNOBBY SNOTTY STUPID UGLY FATISH GAYISH ARROGANT CONCEITED VAIN SLYTHERIN SCUM!!!!!!"
She stood and looked down at Draco, breathless. He was smirking like mad. Why was he smirking when she had just beaten the hell out of him?? He stood and wiped some drool off his face, his hair was messed yet he seemed not to know (sound awfully poetic, don't I?)
"Why are you smirking like that?" Hermione asked cautiously, holding her bat up in attack mode.
"I've just learnt Granger," Draco held his bat with two hands, "That these soft foamy things can easily be taken off."
He ripped the soft foam apart and held up the metal rod. A mischievous and oddly evil smirk grew on his face as he lunged.
"CHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGE!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Draco ran at Hermione, swinging his bat forcefully at her. Hermione, however, began to run around the room like road runner, hiding behind Professor Snape, who immediately moved against the wall, as did McGonagall and even Dumbledore.
"WHACK BETTY!!!! IT WAS HER BLOOMIN' IDEA, DON'T WHACK ME MALFOY!!!!!!!!"
"TOUGH LUCK, COME BACK YOU CHICKEN!!!!!!!"
Draco began to make chicken noises, as he continued to chase Hermione around the room. Luckily for Hermione, she had by now found the door.
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"WHAT?????????????????"
Hermione and Draco sat in the hospital wing, Padma, Harry, Ron, Lisa, and Ginny all crowding round her bed. Crabbe, Goyle, Millicent, someone called Dorothy (Crabbe's partner), Pansy and Blaise around Draco's bed. Draco had his hair still messed up, a big black bruise on his cheek and a swollen eye. Hermione, had no bruises, but had one black eye where Draco had hit her with the metal post.
"That's right my dears, Madam Pomfrey refuses to even look at you two until you have settled your differences, so you're just going to have to heal the normal way." Dr Granger stated matter of factly.
"You mean, the muggle way?"
"Yes, if that's what you wizard folk call it, the MUGGLE way."
"You mean the muggle way as in, bandages-bruises-fading-in-WEEKS-the-bump- on-my-head-fading-in-about-a-month, the muggle way?"
"That is exactly what I mean Mr Malfoy."
"ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US WOMAN????"
"No, but I might do if you two continue this!!! It is awfully immature and childish, and we shall have to stop testing special and dangerous items on you if you do not stop." Dr Granger smiled in a sad way like stopping these tests was a bad thing. Draco turned to scowl at Hermione.
"This is all your fault Granger."
"Am I not a mere mudblood anymore?"
"Nope, now you're a PRUNE."
"If I'm a prune then you're a -
"Pureblood that has amazingly beautiful features. I KNOW."
"And as we can all see, you are clearly not, therefore I am not a prune."
"Prune."
"You're the one that's going wrinkly Malfoy!!!"
"I am so not a prune, prunes are more purple than they are wrinkly!"
"Wrinkly old prune."
"I am not old, just because YOU think I'm wearing a wig does not mean I am old."
"That's what you think."
"I AM NOT!!!!"
"YES YOU ARE!!!"
"I AM NOT I AM NOT I AM NOT I AM NOT I AM NOT I AM NOT I AM NOT I AM NOT I AM NOT I AM NOT I AM NOT I AM NOT I AM NOT I AM NOT I AM NOT I AM NOT I AM NOT I AM NOT I AM NOT I AM NOT I AM NOT I AM NOT I AM NOT I AM NOT I AM NOT I AM NOT I AM NOT!!!!"
"Lalalallalalalallaalalla, I'm not listening!!!"
"KILL YOU GRANGER!!!!"
"Ha!! Like you can."
"Do not underestimate my power, my dear little prune."
"SHUT UP!!!!!!"
The whole room apart from Ginny shouted. The pair immediately stopped snapping at each other and folded their arms in a spoilt manner. Everyone else turned to Ginny. Ron frowned.
"Ginny, tell me why on earth you didn't help to shut these twos gobs."
"I find them quite amusing."
Everyone stared at her like she was mad. Ginny shrugged and sighed, heading out of the hospital wing mumbling something along the lines of 'older people nowadays, have no sense of humour . . .'
"Well kisses Hermione dearest!!! I have to skip now, I have a meeting with all the other professors and people, you and Mr Malfoy can grab a bag of peas and be off to your room to rest until tomorrow!!! Tata honey!!!!"
Dr Granger kissed Hermione on the forehead, on both cheeks, hugged her until she felt like she was suffocating then left in a hurry, throwing two bags of frozen peas onto her eye, making it even more bruised and painful than it was before.
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"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HH!!!!!!!!"
"Shut up prune."
Hermione sat up in bed and saw that Draco was sitting on his bed reading 'ten reasons why Hogwarts: A History is boring'. She had fallen asleep and had had the most awful dream.
She had had her eyes closed during most of the dream, and could see a bit of blonde, a bit of pale skin and feel someone's tongue in her mouth . . . and the thing was, she recognised it, which was why she had screamed in the first place. She thought for a minute why she had a dream about that kiss that had happened about two days ago (I can't remember). TWO DAYS! It scared her to think that she had actually felt happy in the dream, yep; she'd definitely cracked it . . .
A snort disrupted her thoughts. Draco was dangling from the roof of his four-poster like a bat. She raised an eyebrow, what on earth was this plonker doing now?
"My name tis Count Dracula, King of thy vampire!!!"
Draco bared his teeth, showing a row of pointed yellow and very sharp canines. He opened his arms like wings and flapped them about, pretending to fly.
"Malfoy, what on earth are you doing?"
"Aw man, how did you know it was me?"
"Malfoy . . . you're the only one apart from me with the key to this room and you just told me to 'shut up prune' AND it's not like you look all that different to how you look everyday. Apart from that . . . thing, in your mouth, what is it? Betty's dentures?"
Draco sat up and sighed. "Stupid book."
He threw 'Ten reasons why Hogwarts: A History is boring' to the floor, revealing something that was covered up. Another book by the name of 'Ten ways to scare stupid muggles, one hundredth edition!' Hermione sighed; she must have hit him harder than she thought . . .
A bang and a crash came in the direction of 'Count Dracula'. Sprawled on the floor rubbing his head was Draco Malfoy, but hadn't he just been up on the roof of his four-poster? Then, she saw it, a giant rip in the material of the roof. She sighed - 'the great oaf'.
"Malfoy . . ." Hermione walked up to him and waved a hand in front of his face, he looked dazed and confused . . . a bit like how Neville always looked, and that isn't a compliment. She raised an eyebrow at the boy who was now humming something that sounded like twinkle twinkle little star.
"Malfoy, you just broke the roof of your four poster, if that isn't a sign that you need to lose weight, then I don't know what is."
He didn't reply and just stared at her like she was the most interesting thing in the world. Okay . . . she had DEFINITELY hit him harder than she thought . . .
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TADA!!! If you think I should've put psychiatrists instead of psycho therapists, maybe I should have, but somehow I think it sounds better. All suggestions are STILL welcome, and in case you were wondering, this is on the same day as the last chapter was, set later that same day. Next chapter coming up ASAP
~TEEHEE!!!
~Girl-who-wants-to-be-not-long-winded-for-once
PS. I know the last part was random, brain malfunctioning.
PPS. Still don't rush me, please . . . oh and review! (*^_^*)
Summary: Hermione's aunt has been called to Hogwarts as she needs lots of children to be her 'guinea pigs' and of course, only Dumbledore is nice enough to let someone experiment with his students . . .
NARRATED BY MOI!
NO SPOILERS.
THANK YOU THANK YOU TO:
~ Smileyface1314 ~ Lol, thanks for your review! I'm glad you enjoyed it, and had a good time in New York too, and also thank you for the suggestion for the ending!! Any little scrap of detail about the ending that ANYONE suggests, I shall be grateful for!!!
~Burgundyred ~ Thanks for the mass of specific detail, hehe - I liked it! Anyway, yeah, he called it beautiful, but what can you expect? He's Draco . . . and as for Dr. Granger, well she's never been purple, hehe, if only . . . plus, Serena was supposed to be annoying in the first place, and Lee was created also to annoy. You know when you said I should have more Lee? Someone else said that, strange huh? And I'm not sure if I should have more Lee . . . he annoys me too much for me to write him in anywhere!
~Midnight solitaire ~ Thanks for the review, and I am still thinking about that epilogue that you wanted me to write . . . anyway, yeah, Lee looks slightly like Legolas, but more of an arse! HAHA!
~Dracoluver2009 ~ Lol, I hope you can breathe now . . . here's the update, hope you like it! PLEASE REVIEW AFTERWARDS!
~LythTaeraneth ~ Lol, yeah, Lee is really annoying isn't he, and yeah, that is the point of him being here! Anyway, he was originally going to be called James, but then I thought of Harry's dad, and then realised how much of an insult that would be, hehe . . .
~ Fluff ~ Thanks for the review, and for helping me with the ending of this thing! At first, I wasn't sure if a prune actually fit Hermione's purpleness, I had to ask all my friends whether I got the prune fact right or not hehe . . .
~Happigolucki ~ Lol, that's okay, all that matters is that you reviewed this one! Meaning you actually read the chapter, and as long as SOMEBODY read it, I guess I'm satisfied, thanks!
~Some12 ~ Thank you so much for the review! I'm glad you enjoyed it and thought it funny, here's the update, ENJOY!!! (And again I'm sorry it took so long, but I still need the time, and compared to others, this is a fast update. Also, better good than pathetic! And only time can do that!)
~Heather Malfoy ~ Hehe, just glad that your enjoying my writings! Thanks for the review, really appreciated it! I hope you continue to read!!
~Loah ~ Erm . . . thanks for reviewing . . . what about the green goo?
~ Harmonic Friction ~ HEHE, YAY!! Its you!! Finally you!! Sorry, hyperness freak I know, thanks for the bio thing, to me it's just a whole lot of nonsense that I felt like typing, which I guess it actually is, but that's not the point! I'm pretty always hyper, so that's why this fic is!! Hehe!
FOR BETTER EFFECT: Read Hermione and Draco's speech with your tongue stuck out!!!!!!!
CHAPTER NINE: A lesson with the therapist
DISCLAIMER: Harry Potter and other characters etc. are all J.K.Rowling's creations and have nothing to do with moi. Warner Bro.'s may also have permission to use Harry Potter characters as they are in charge of the film, but still, this has nothing to do with ME. Everyone already knows, but in case you're new to this business, I'm telling you again.
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"I can'd hel the fact dat I can'd tal cockerly!" (Translation: I can't help the fact that I can't talk properly!) Hermione tried to say as calmly as she could, although right now she felt nothing more than the urge to punch someone, namely Betty, the therapist that had lost her hearing aid.
She knew that everyone always said 'respect his or her elders' but Betty was so bloomin' annoying, you just couldn't help but wonder how anyone could resist smacking the old bird. Let's just say Hermione wouldn't be surprised if she were related to Lee.
"Now my dear, my hearing isn't what it used to be!! Do speak up, and stop sticking your tongue out!! It's very rude." Betty squinted at Hermione through her thick glasses, her hand behind her ear like she was desperately trying to hear what she was saying.
"I SAID, I CAN'D HEL THE FACT DAT I CAN'D TAL COCKERLY!!!!!!" Hermione practically screamed in Betty's ear. "IS NOT MY FALT DAT MAFOY THWEW WOO AT ME AN MADE MY TONGUE SWUCK!!!!!!"
"Now dear, calm down, remember, breathe in and out, it always helps!!!!" Betty smiled and sat back, still squinting at Hermione. Suddenly, she got up and hobbled over to a chair next to her (she had been sitting opposite just then). Waving her wand, another chair appeared next to the one she had just been sitting on.
"Stanley dear!!! You can come in now!!!!!!"
Hermione felt like strangling the old bat. She knew whom she meant by Stanley. Stanley the old man with hair sticking out of his ears, Stanley the old man who was also an annoying psycho therapist, Stanley the old man who was the therapist of her so called partner, known as Malfoy.
Stanley hobbled in with a walking stick, he settled himself down on the seat opposite Betty - they smiled at each other, their wrinkles becoming even more wrinkled. Hermione shuddered and hoped that she would never grow old.
"Where's the boy Stanley?" Betty asked, now craning her neck to look outside.
"He was with me a few seconds ago, DRACO????"
Stanley's gruff voice echoed around the little room. Instead of Draco entering, a fairly average height man with half moon glasses and snow-white hair and beard entered. Hermione thought THAT was Draco for a minute, until she looked properly and realised it was Dumbledore.
"Ah, Albus, how nice of you to join us."
"Hello, Stanley, Betty, I wanted to join your talk with Miss Granger and Mr Malfoy, their head of house are here too. Speaking of which, where is Mr Malfoy?"
Dumbledore stepped in the room and used his wand to summon three comfy armchairs, just behind Betty. He sat on the first one, closely followed by Snape and McGonagall, who settled themselves rather stiffly down on the remaining chairs. Snape raised an eyebrow and shouted in a booming voice.
"DRACO MALFOY!!!! I SHALL HAVE TO BE FORCED TO TAKE POINTS FROM MY OWN HOUSE IF YOU DO NOT GET YOURSELF IN HERE!!!!!"
Now it isn't very often that you hear Mister Snape shout, or raise his voice. Maybe hex you, or force you to take a poisonous potion that will lead to your miserable death, but never really shout, SHOUT. Draco, being the naturally nosey and curious person he was, stuck his head through the door with a blank expression on his face.
"You called Pwofesswor??"
"Indeed I called Mr Malfoy! Have you no respect for this elderly and growing deaf man??" Snape asked, now standing and stalking over to the door. Grabbing Draco by the hair, he pulled him across to the chair opposite Hermione. Stanley looked down at his clipboard as if he couldn't hear anything anyone had just said.
"Well, duh I don'd have any resect for the deaf ol bloke!!!!!!!!"
Draco rolled his eyes and brushed his hair back, trying to use the remaining pot of gel he had placed on his head to keep the tuft Snape had tugged, down. Of all things he could have pulled, it HAD to be his hair.
"You know, I'm not as deaf as Betty!!" Stanley frowned, shouting loudly, startling Draco slightly.
"Could 'ave fooled me." Draco muttered darkly, trying his best to scowl with his green tongue still stuck out.
"Now, me and Stanley think that to stop you two arguing, you should let out all your anger, let it all out at each other in one go. Then you should have nothing left to argue about!" Betty smiled, her dentures showing. (**shudder**)
"Hold on children, we'll explain more after Mister Snape here gives you all some potion so you can talk properly." Stanley beckoned to Snape who held two vials of smelly liquid - make that YELLOW smelly liquid.
"I told you Stanley dear, they can talk perfectly fine, they just don't want to. You know children these days!" Betty rolled her eyes and pinched Hermione's cheek. She took her hanky, spat on it and rubbed it on her nose. "You had some dirt on your nose dear." Hermione visibly shuddered.
"Miss Granger, Mr Malfoy, if you please both stand and open your mouths," Snape said as he opened both of the vials.
"Cough, ewwwwwww, what in ell is dat????" Draco scrunched his nose up, the smell was horrible, and it didn't help that the mixture had little bits floating in it.
"It's a mixture of dragon urine and beetle scales, it can defreeze anything, maybe not change things back to their original colour, but it can defreeze anything that has been frozen, including your tongues."
Draco and Hermione's eyes widened. What was Snape trying to do? KILL THEM?????? (Most probably)
"DRAGON WEE???? EWWWWWWWWWW!!!"
"Well obviously it's ew if you say it like that, try urine, it sounds much better than 'wee'. I hope you two aren't deaf as well as unable to talk properly, two deaf people are enough to deal with thank you. . ."
"I TOLD YOU, I AM NOT DEAF!!! BETTY IS!!!" Stanley exclaimed indignantly. Draco, Hermione and Snape looked at him, eyebrows raised. Snape looked terribly annoyed.
"Whatever. Now open up you two."
"Granger's going first!!!" Draco pushed Hermione forward, and before she could do anything, Snape had poured the entire vial of dragon wee, okay, URINE, in her mouth. Hermione coughed, she had nearly choked, but she tried to look like it didn't taste bad, which I assure you, IT DID.
"How was it?" Draco frowned anxiously, he didn't like to drink, eat, or smell for that matter, smelly stuff thanks.
"Oh very tasty, it's like pumpkin juice really, you should try it." Hermione smiled. Now at least, she didn't look awkward smiling as her tongue could go back in her mouth. Even if her tongue did make her want to puke.
Draco raised an eyebrow. Was Granger telling the truth? Well, he didn't think she could stay so calm if it did taste awful. He stepped over to Snape who was now looking at Hermione's wavering smile as she resisted the urge to head to the nearest bog.
Snape poured the next vial into Draco's mouth, and he immediately regretted it.
"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! Cough," Draco choked and spluttered as Hermione burst out laughing, suddenly she didn't feel much like puking anymore.
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA, my god Malfoy," Hermione stopped laughing and wiped a tear from her eye. Draco pouted and stood with his arms folded in a girlish manner.
"More of an actress than I thought you were Granger," Draco nodded approvingly, his usual smirk spreading back onto his face.
"Never underestimate a woman Malfoy, now that was a lesson well learnt." Hermione sat back down, as did Draco. Betty and Stanley were both smiling at them, which rather creeped both of them out (A/N: think, killer dentures with bad breath)
"Oh children, that was the first time I have heard you two talk to each other without trying to rip the other apart! That was lovely!" Betty exclaimed, clapping her hands together as she did so. She was so pleased that Hermione had tricked Draco and laughed at him rather than ripped his head off. Personally, Hermione didn't know what the old woman was thinking.
"Now that your tongues have been untied, even if they are still green, let's get on with this, we only have the rest of the day!" Stanley gave a laugh before rubbing his hairy ears. He waved his wand, making a cupboard appear in the corner.
Stanley stood and wobbled over to the cupboard. He beckoned Hermione and Draco over to the cupboard where a small space in front was given for them to stand. The space was surprisingly big compared to the rest of the room.
"Now in here is something that me and Betty have used for years and it has never failed! As Betty has said before, we figured that if you let everything out at each other in one go, you'll have nothing to fight about anymore!"
Stanley opened the cupboard door and took out two metal posts with thick, soft, foamy things wrapped around it. He handed the pink one to Hermione, and the green one to Draco.
"Betty and I are going to watch you two from our seats, along with Mr Snape, Ms McGonagall, and Mr Dumbledore! Use these bats to hit each other as hard as you can, they are soft, so neither of you should get hurt. Now get ready, when I say go now . ."
Draco held up his bat like he would do with a baseball bat, concentrating on hitting Hermione's head. Hermione held the bat loosely and concentrated on hitting Draco somewhere where it hurt - his hair. Oh this was going to be fun, hehehe . . . .
"GO!!!!!"
'WHAM'
A blow in the stomach from Draco Malfoy!!!
'SMACK'
A blow in the face from Hermione Granger!!!
'BANG'
Whacked Hermione into the cupboard, of course by Draco.
'CRASH!!!!!!'
Crashed straight into Betty, making her collide onto the floor, her dentures falling out of her mouth.
'WHAMSMACKBANGCRASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'
Draco fell to the floor rubbing his cheek, his stomach, his head, and his back as he had just crashed into the window. Luckily, it didn't break cus' it was double-glazed. Hermione stood over him in triumph as he struggled to get himself up. Just as he was about to stand, he fell back onto the floor as Hermione had just sat on his stomach.
"Revenge is sweet Malfoy," Hermione grinned, she held up her pink bat and began to whack Draco round the head with it.
"YOU STUPID ANNOYING BLOODY INFURIATING SPOILT DISGUSTING SNOBBY SNOTTY STUPID UGLY FATISH GAYISH ARROGANT CONCEITED VAIN SLYTHERIN SCUM!!!!!!"
She stood and looked down at Draco, breathless. He was smirking like mad. Why was he smirking when she had just beaten the hell out of him?? He stood and wiped some drool off his face, his hair was messed yet he seemed not to know (sound awfully poetic, don't I?)
"Why are you smirking like that?" Hermione asked cautiously, holding her bat up in attack mode.
"I've just learnt Granger," Draco held his bat with two hands, "That these soft foamy things can easily be taken off."
He ripped the soft foam apart and held up the metal rod. A mischievous and oddly evil smirk grew on his face as he lunged.
"CHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGE!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Draco ran at Hermione, swinging his bat forcefully at her. Hermione, however, began to run around the room like road runner, hiding behind Professor Snape, who immediately moved against the wall, as did McGonagall and even Dumbledore.
"WHACK BETTY!!!! IT WAS HER BLOOMIN' IDEA, DON'T WHACK ME MALFOY!!!!!!!!"
"TOUGH LUCK, COME BACK YOU CHICKEN!!!!!!!"
Draco began to make chicken noises, as he continued to chase Hermione around the room. Luckily for Hermione, she had by now found the door.
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"WHAT?????????????????"
Hermione and Draco sat in the hospital wing, Padma, Harry, Ron, Lisa, and Ginny all crowding round her bed. Crabbe, Goyle, Millicent, someone called Dorothy (Crabbe's partner), Pansy and Blaise around Draco's bed. Draco had his hair still messed up, a big black bruise on his cheek and a swollen eye. Hermione, had no bruises, but had one black eye where Draco had hit her with the metal post.
"That's right my dears, Madam Pomfrey refuses to even look at you two until you have settled your differences, so you're just going to have to heal the normal way." Dr Granger stated matter of factly.
"You mean, the muggle way?"
"Yes, if that's what you wizard folk call it, the MUGGLE way."
"You mean the muggle way as in, bandages-bruises-fading-in-WEEKS-the-bump- on-my-head-fading-in-about-a-month, the muggle way?"
"That is exactly what I mean Mr Malfoy."
"ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US WOMAN????"
"No, but I might do if you two continue this!!! It is awfully immature and childish, and we shall have to stop testing special and dangerous items on you if you do not stop." Dr Granger smiled in a sad way like stopping these tests was a bad thing. Draco turned to scowl at Hermione.
"This is all your fault Granger."
"Am I not a mere mudblood anymore?"
"Nope, now you're a PRUNE."
"If I'm a prune then you're a -
"Pureblood that has amazingly beautiful features. I KNOW."
"And as we can all see, you are clearly not, therefore I am not a prune."
"Prune."
"You're the one that's going wrinkly Malfoy!!!"
"I am so not a prune, prunes are more purple than they are wrinkly!"
"Wrinkly old prune."
"I am not old, just because YOU think I'm wearing a wig does not mean I am old."
"That's what you think."
"I AM NOT!!!!"
"YES YOU ARE!!!"
"I AM NOT I AM NOT I AM NOT I AM NOT I AM NOT I AM NOT I AM NOT I AM NOT I AM NOT I AM NOT I AM NOT I AM NOT I AM NOT I AM NOT I AM NOT I AM NOT I AM NOT I AM NOT I AM NOT I AM NOT I AM NOT I AM NOT I AM NOT I AM NOT I AM NOT I AM NOT I AM NOT!!!!"
"Lalalallalalalallaalalla, I'm not listening!!!"
"KILL YOU GRANGER!!!!"
"Ha!! Like you can."
"Do not underestimate my power, my dear little prune."
"SHUT UP!!!!!!"
The whole room apart from Ginny shouted. The pair immediately stopped snapping at each other and folded their arms in a spoilt manner. Everyone else turned to Ginny. Ron frowned.
"Ginny, tell me why on earth you didn't help to shut these twos gobs."
"I find them quite amusing."
Everyone stared at her like she was mad. Ginny shrugged and sighed, heading out of the hospital wing mumbling something along the lines of 'older people nowadays, have no sense of humour . . .'
"Well kisses Hermione dearest!!! I have to skip now, I have a meeting with all the other professors and people, you and Mr Malfoy can grab a bag of peas and be off to your room to rest until tomorrow!!! Tata honey!!!!"
Dr Granger kissed Hermione on the forehead, on both cheeks, hugged her until she felt like she was suffocating then left in a hurry, throwing two bags of frozen peas onto her eye, making it even more bruised and painful than it was before.
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"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HH!!!!!!!!"
"Shut up prune."
Hermione sat up in bed and saw that Draco was sitting on his bed reading 'ten reasons why Hogwarts: A History is boring'. She had fallen asleep and had had the most awful dream.
She had had her eyes closed during most of the dream, and could see a bit of blonde, a bit of pale skin and feel someone's tongue in her mouth . . . and the thing was, she recognised it, which was why she had screamed in the first place. She thought for a minute why she had a dream about that kiss that had happened about two days ago (I can't remember). TWO DAYS! It scared her to think that she had actually felt happy in the dream, yep; she'd definitely cracked it . . .
A snort disrupted her thoughts. Draco was dangling from the roof of his four-poster like a bat. She raised an eyebrow, what on earth was this plonker doing now?
"My name tis Count Dracula, King of thy vampire!!!"
Draco bared his teeth, showing a row of pointed yellow and very sharp canines. He opened his arms like wings and flapped them about, pretending to fly.
"Malfoy, what on earth are you doing?"
"Aw man, how did you know it was me?"
"Malfoy . . . you're the only one apart from me with the key to this room and you just told me to 'shut up prune' AND it's not like you look all that different to how you look everyday. Apart from that . . . thing, in your mouth, what is it? Betty's dentures?"
Draco sat up and sighed. "Stupid book."
He threw 'Ten reasons why Hogwarts: A History is boring' to the floor, revealing something that was covered up. Another book by the name of 'Ten ways to scare stupid muggles, one hundredth edition!' Hermione sighed; she must have hit him harder than she thought . . .
A bang and a crash came in the direction of 'Count Dracula'. Sprawled on the floor rubbing his head was Draco Malfoy, but hadn't he just been up on the roof of his four-poster? Then, she saw it, a giant rip in the material of the roof. She sighed - 'the great oaf'.
"Malfoy . . ." Hermione walked up to him and waved a hand in front of his face, he looked dazed and confused . . . a bit like how Neville always looked, and that isn't a compliment. She raised an eyebrow at the boy who was now humming something that sounded like twinkle twinkle little star.
"Malfoy, you just broke the roof of your four poster, if that isn't a sign that you need to lose weight, then I don't know what is."
He didn't reply and just stared at her like she was the most interesting thing in the world. Okay . . . she had DEFINITELY hit him harder than she thought . . .
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TADA!!! If you think I should've put psychiatrists instead of psycho therapists, maybe I should have, but somehow I think it sounds better. All suggestions are STILL welcome, and in case you were wondering, this is on the same day as the last chapter was, set later that same day. Next chapter coming up ASAP
~TEEHEE!!!
~Girl-who-wants-to-be-not-long-winded-for-once
PS. I know the last part was random, brain malfunctioning.
PPS. Still don't rush me, please . . . oh and review! (*^_^*)