Unspoken
My body froze, looking into his big, violet eyes. My mouth was dry, and I swallowed again, hoping he didn't notice my insecurity. Here he was, waiting for me to speak, but I could not move, could not utter a single phrase. He blinked a few times, those long lashes caressing his cheeks, such soft cheeks, cheeks I wanted to touch, kiss, love. He shrugged his shoulders.
"Well then, I'll see you in the morning," he said. The silence broken, I grunted in response, turning back to my computer.
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"I repeat: I surrender, but I will not hand over the Gundam."
I had not been able to tell him. And would never be able to tell him.
He would never know.
The hatch to my Gundam opens, the cool air rushing around me. The stick of metal is cold in my hand as I step out, my finger resting on the red button. There is a small indentation for my finger. I remember fingering that button before, knowing how well it fit in my hand, but now it felt obtrusive, metal jutting into my skin, my thumb not snug in the crevice. Wind tosses up my hair, partially covering my eyes. I look out across the plain, seeing the four other Gundams waiting. And there he is. Deathscythe appears to tremble, and I hear a small whisper, carried through the speakers that join us.
"No..." But I narrow my eyes, ready. This is my final mission, and one that shall not fail.
"I'm sorry," I breathe, only for that pilot across from me, the Gundam still shaking.
"Mission accepted," I say loudly. There is a beep as I press the button, and behind me light flares from my Gundam. My eyes never leave the cockpit of Deathscythe, envisioning that stunning pilot watching the spectacle before him. There is a crackle as the speaker transmits one last message.
"Heero..." It is good that they cannot see me, for tears collect in my eyes. Duo's voice is the last thing I hear before the Gundam self detonates, sending me flying through the air. I close my eyes. To die hearing his voice is bliss. My name repeats over and over, whispered in his elegant speech. Duo, Duo that I do, in fact, love. But Duo that will never hear those words, words I withheld from the moment I saw him, pointing his gun at me as I crouched in the harbor. He would live without hearing my confession to him.
But maybe it is for the better. My body collides with the ground, and I hear a long roar, coming from the man I wanted so badly to call my own. There is a brief pain before I plunge into darkness, knowing only that Duo is gone from me...forever...and without knowing...
--Duo's POV, much later--
His body soared in an arc through the air. Tears welled in my eyes and spilled down my cheeks. I let out a roar.
"Heero!" But he could not hear me now. He hit the ground, debris scattered around him as his Gundam collapsed. My fists trembled, and I beat them upon Deathscythe's controls. Water splashed down my cheeks and hit my lap. Here OZ targeted the colonies, one of the things most precious to me, and because of it Heero, the single most important thing in my life was...gone....
The thought of him being dead was too much to bear.
And even now, I still have some shred of hope for his survival, though I've shed so many tears over him that I doubt he'd be alive. Its months later, and I'm no longer on earth; instead, I'm in space, back in the colonies where I belong. In fact, I'm on L2, taking a little breather before I return to the battle, that damn battle. It's all so fucked up now, this person fighting that one who just happens to be fighting the first one's other enemy not previously mentioned. And where are we? Where are the Gundams? All alone, that's where. And all the more alone since Trowa has disappeared, plunging Quatre into despair. Wu-fei is gone off on his own little thing. I mean, who knows what goes through his head? And I think that Quatre is back on earth, but I'm not sure. Me, I've just been fighting to keep alive, fighting OZ, no matter what other factions there are, scrambling to do whatever they are doing.
And I search for Heero.
I've almost given it up, you know, since I haven't seen or heard of him ever since...that day. Well, there were rumors of a wild haired pilot every once and a while, almost superhuman. That could have been him, but whatever lead I followed I lost him.
Face it, he's dead, a little voice whispers in my head. I know its right. He's just like everyone else I've ever cared for or loved, dead, gone. That's my curse, isn't it? I'm Shinigami, so those around me die while I live on. What makes Heero any different? I loved him, love him, with all my heart, but he faded just like the rest, into shadow, where I cannot follow. But I'm just too damn stubborn to recall that little fact, that falling in love is fruitless for me. There's nothing in it. I've reached out to hold so many people, only to find myself gripping thin air.
Speaking of air, I should get off this bus. I'm running out of cash and won't have enough for dinner at this rate. So I yank the lever, and the driver slows to a halt. I hand him a wad of cash and wave, putting on my Duo Smile, my "I'm happy so don't worry about me or the shitload of problems inside" smile.
I have at least four miles to go until I get back to where I stored my Gundam. Yes, Deathscythe Hell, the only thing left for me. He, at least, doesn't leave me, my dear killing machine. I kick a beer can, anger flowing through me.
"Dammit!" I shove my hands in my pockets and shuffle along, staring at my feet, weaving through the crowds without a care. Suddenly, I run into a back, and the person grumbles.
"Watch where you're going." My head shoots up at the sound of that voice. Maybe I am hallucinating, but I'm never that cruel to myself. I know that voice; have heard it before, countless times in my dreams. Still, as I scan the crowd, there is no sign of him, no sign of my precious Heero.
It was simply a ghost, a memory. I've seen plenty of those before, heard fleeting voices, as if it was Heero in fact near by. But those had always been off in some way, for he would be closer, he would love me then, in those voices.
And he didn't love me before. Well, I had caught him staring at me quite a few times, but quite a few people stare at me. I just draw attention, you know. But here was something that he would have done, muttered a reprimand before hurrying off to some unknown destination.
But if it was him...
My legs move on their own accord, suddenly motoring me through the throngs of people. They shout at me, but I don't give a damn, not if Heero could have been there. The little voice whispers about his death, images of his body floating through the air replaying before my eyes. I shake my head to clear them. There's always a chance. It is Heero, after all. He jumped from the twentieth floor of a building, tumbled down a cliff, and lived. He popped his own bone into place. He lived through so much...that couldn't have killed him.
Suddenly, I see a head of brown hair, moving systematically through the crowds. That's...that's his hair. I know it with such certainty. Tears threaten to return, though it had been so long since I cried last. I blink a few times to clear my vision before rushing after him, that figure sliding between people with ease.
Heero turns the corner, and I bolt towards him. He is heading in the direction of the park, one of the few green spaces this deep into the city. I can see him clearly now. Surely, I'm dreaming. That can't be him in front of me. I saw him fall; I saw him die. I slow to a halt, only ten feet away from him. I saw him...I saw him...
And if it is Heero, if some wild power has brought him to me, then I...there are things I have to say. I had prepared speeches before, about him, my love, and everything else. And here was the time, with Heero paused to wait for the cars to pass. Now he's crossing the street. Shit legs, move! Follow him, he's leaving again!
But so many people had left, turned me away, died. If I proclaimed my love he would surely be blown into little bits in space, torn apart by the mobile dolls. But...but...my feet began to work again, and I darted to catch up with him. People shout at me, cars honked, and I raise my middle finger in retort. Didn't they see Heero Yuy over there?
He stops, standing beneath the shade of a large oak tree. He leans on the trunk, turns his head, and our eyes meet for the first time in months.
--Heero's POV--
My mind is playing tricks on me.
I don't see him, running towards me, braid flailing behind him, his eyes glowing with tears.
And I don't feel my own eyes welling with those little salty droplets. I stand erect, hands by my side, as Duo calls out my name. Even in my wildest dreams I did not think we would see each other, that he would believe me to be alive.
I was as good as dead to him. A dead man, a dead love. Though there wasn't even love between us. No, I had never told him my feelings, never spoken those words to him, his smiling face, shining eyes. I could not bring myself to do it. So I "died" without knowing what he felt towards me, without letting him know how I felt. I vowed to tell him those words when we met, explain all of my feelings to him, all the tears I had cried alone, in the dead of night after I self detonated, all the times I had fought simply to make it through another day to find him.
He is breathless when he reaches me, his cheeks wet from his tears.
"Heero, is that really you?" he whispered. I reach forward, and before he can protest take him in my arms. Duo gasps, but I hold firmly to him, my head on his shoulder. Wisps of hair brush on my face. Slowly, his arms creep around me. His body shakes from the tears, and his breath is on my neck. He is solid enough. He is Duo...
"Well, pal, I didn't think I'd see you again," Duo says. I can't speak for the lump growing in my throat. No, would this be like all the other times, when I choke and can't spit out the words that have grown in me for so long? I shake my head.
"Duo, I..." Duo shushes me.
"Don't try to say anything. I can explain, really." His cheeks turn red, and he faces the other way, gazing up at the swirling colony. When he turns back, he has turned crimson. "Heero, I have some things to say to you. I...really don't know how you'll take them, but I have to say it. It's been bottled up..."
"For so long," I finish. "And I just want to tell you..."
"That ever since I saw you..."
"I've felt the same way for you ever since that day..."
"When I first saw your face..."
"Duo...I know you might take this badly..."
"But Heero..."
"I love you."
"I love you." We both look up at the same time. I smile and run my hand along Duo's cheek, my fingers brushing his lips. Duo coughs.
"You do?" he mutters. I chuckle and raise his head.
"Ever since the day I saw you. I've...just never been able to tell you how I felt. There's so much I wanted to say, so many ways."
"I can't live without you."
"You're my lifeblood."
"You might not believe in love at first sight, but I do, because I love you." Duo laughs.
"This is so cheesy," he says. "I mean, here we are spitting love phrases at each other while a war's going on. But you know what," he leans closer "I don't care. I used to hate love things like that, but now that they are true, I don't. Everything I've said is what I really feel, deep down for you."
"I know," I reply. "Koi, lover, shining star, beautiful, beautiful Duo." I pull him close to me. Duo is looking into my eyes, waiting; his lips part just a little as he catches his breath from running, the blush in his cheeks slowly dissipating. I cup his face in my hands. We are only inches apart now.
"I love you," I breathe before closing the distance between us. And that kiss is everything I imagined it would be. All of my love pours out in one moment, flowing into him, and warmth spreads through me as he bathes me in his own emotions. Everything I bottled up for so long is gone, open now to him. And he is open to me.
Above us, in outer space, a war rages. Men die, innocents fall, the fate of the world is being decided, and yet, as Duo would say, I don't give a damn. We part for breath, and I look skyward. But when I look back all that is there is Duo's face, his violet eyes, his chestnut bangs brushing my forehead. And once more, I grab him for another kiss, my emotions free.
I love you.
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Okay, now we KNOW the world is ending for sure! I...have...written...a...sap... fic gags It's all Eilonwy4's fault. glares at her Stupid, stupid bets. Since I wrote this, she is writing another death ficcy. And I really don't know how I made it through. I DON'T WRITE SAP! I write DARK, DEPRESSING, STORIES where everyone is either dying or going to die at some point! falls over dead
Please drop a review and let me know if you like this! So that I can know that, it was worth it, having to write sap and all...