Chapter 6
All Apologies
A/N: Thanks for all the great reviews so far, keep 'em coming. And to all
you lurkers out there, feel free to review.
Disclaimer: Don't own'em, never will.
The scene by now, was all too familiar to Ryan: The golden sunlight angling through the blinds of the pool house, illuminating the familiar golden hair of head resting on his chest. Ryan breathed in slowly looking at the ceiling. They were speeding toward a catastrophic outcome, he knew. He knew that Kirsten knew that too. They were literally risking everything. A marriage, families, a son, a brother. This could only end badly. Ryan had no illusions about this. Eventually something would happen. Seth would come back, Sandy would snap out of the fugue-like state he was in, something would go wrong. And there could be no forgiveness, not for either of them. What Ryan and Kirsten had done was unforgivable. Not to mention illegal. Ryan knew this. But, and this was by now an old story, he couldn't help himself. He was drawn to her like he had been drawn to no other person. Whenever she was near him his brain just stopped functioning on any rational level and all there was was his consuming desire for this woman. Ryan Atwood had always used sex as a kind of escape. He learned at a very young age that he was good at it, that he could maintain control while his partners lost control. Since his family life was so badly out of control, sex became the one thing he could control. Even with Theresa, he could maintain control. But with Kirsten he lost control, had no hope of ever regaining it. It felt roughly akin to being in a speeding car, heading for a cliff. He knew eventually it would come crashing down, but he couldn't extricate himself. His self-reflection was broken when he felt Kirsten stirring.
"Hey" Ryan said softly. Kirsten stared up, her crystalline blue eyes blinking rapidly in the sun. During five seconds, a rapid series of emotions flitted across her face, starting with confusion then flipping through understanding, shame, guilt and ending with acceptance. Ryan was familiar with her rapid assortment of emotions. It happened every time Kirsten found herself waking up in his bed. What both elated and terrified Ryan was that the time it took from her to move from shame to acceptance was decreasing with every passing morning.
"Hey" she whispered, lifting her head and kissing him gently. Feeling that familiar heat surge through his veins, Ryan deepened the kiss.
"Well good morning to you too" Kirsten teased gently. Ryan flashed her an embarrassed smile.
Kirsten rolled off of him and onto her side, facing him. She gently brushed a strand of hair from Ryan's face.
"Your hair's so long. You really should get it cut" Kirsten said affectionately.
"I like it like this" Ryan said, "It makes me look mysterious"
Kirsten snorted. " It makes you look unkempt. Plus it hides your eyes. You know I can cut it for you. I used to cut my friend's hair all the time when I was in college."
Alarmed Ryan looked at her "For your friend's sakes, I hope you were better at cutting hair then you are at cooking. "
Kirsten lightly swatted his shoulder "Smartass. For your information I can do many more things well then just sell real estate."
A slow grin curved Ryan's lips "Oh I can definitely vouch for that"
A blush crept across Kirsten's face. "Oh stop it" she grinned. She paused, regarding him. She leaned forward, letting her hand creep under the blanket. "You know," she whispered in a husky voice "You're not half bad yourself"
Ryan sucked in a breath and gave her his best smouldering look. "Oh, I know"
At the beginning of all this: when Kirsten thought of her relationship with Ryan, she always tried to look at it how the Newpsies would see it. Wrong, scandalous, and about a half a dozen similar adjectives. She thought that if she looked at it that way, it would make it easier to stop. What Kirsten realized, however, was that all of this thinking ignored the basic terrifying fact that it felt right. It felt right in the same way that her and Sandy felt wrong. Of course, this didn't diminish her overpowering sense of guilt at all, but it did make her able to forget about all those feelings when she was with Ryan. It also didn't take away from the fact that if push came to shove, as she knew it would sooner or later, she wouldn't jeopardize the future of her marriage and more importantly her relationship with Seth. She wouldn't let whatever she had with Ryan jeopardize Seth or Sandy. Of course, Kirsten wasn't stupid, she realized that by continuing this thing with Ryan, she was jeopardizing her marriage. But increasingly as her relationship with Ryan deepened, she felt as if she and Ryan were living in a vacuum. Caleb and Julie with busy with their own issues, Jimmy was too busy worrying about Marissa and building a relationship with Hailey and Sandy was still a member of the walking dead. He had begun to sleep in his office and after that horrible night in the kitchen, had barely two words to say to her. Kirsten found it incredible how a seemingly happy marriage could fall apart so rapidly. She hoped that when Seth came back, that Sandy would be revitalized, would become the Sandy she had fallen in love with once again. But in her heart of hearts Kirsten doubted it. Something had changed in Sandy, something had died. His passion and determination had died. Kirsten didn't know this new Sandy. The one who alternated bouts of furious temper with apathy. The one who looked right through Kirsten. With Ryan, Kirsten felt none of the numbing emptiness and regret she felt with Sandy. She felt none of that frustration that came with living in a dying marriage. She felt alive. Totally, completely alive. She felt twenty- two again. Yet it wasn't like she was using Ryan to feel young. It was a two-way street. She was helping him feel alive after the numbing loss that had characterized his summer. She found it ironic that this relationship was in some ways, the first natural and healthy relationship that Ryan had had. They were both helping each other to feel again.
She broke out of her reverie to find Ryan staring at her quizzically.
"Sorry" Kirsten apologized, "I was just lost in thought"
"About.." Ryan prompted
"Just.. nothing" Kirsten started then stopped "Nothing, don't worry about it"
"Seriously what?" Ryan asked, "Are you thinking about Sandy or something" he tried to keep the tightness out of his voice
Kirsten shook her head. "Its just... Please don't take this the wrong way.. but how many girls have you had sex with? Just curious" she quickly added
Ryan opened his mouth and closed it again
"Forget it, just forget it" Kirsten said hurriedly
"No. I mean... You deserve to know" Ryan said quietly "I'm just trying to think" Kirsten raised her eyebrows. Ryan began to count of his fingers. After a few seconds of this Kirsten broke in with an exasperated voice "Oh come on"
"Ten" Ryan said Kirsten stared at him in shock "Well if you didn't want to know then why'd you ask" Ryan said defensively "Things were different in Chino"
"I'm beginning to see that" Kirsten said slowly
"What's your count" Ryan asked
"Oh I can't remember" Kirsten said quickly
"Nice try" Ryan said sardonically "I told you, now you gotta tell me."
"All right" Kirsten said quietly "Three"
Now it was Ryan's turn to stare at her in shock. Finally he managed to get out "Including me?" Kirsten nodded her head
"Wow. You're like a monk. A nun actually" Ryan said in awe
"Hey!" Kirsten said defensively "I only sleep with people I care about"
Ryan gave her a lazy grin "So you do actually care about me"
"Of course" Kirsten said in a sharper voice then she intended. "Do you that I would risk everything that we're risking just for sex"
Ryan winced and began picking at his elbow "Sorry" he mumbled
"Of course" Kirsten said, knowing she needed to break the sudden tension "It IS great sex. I suppose that's one good thing about your, ah, track record"
Ryan looked up and grinned, "Well you know what they say. Practice makes perfect:" he moved to kiss her. After a few seconds, she broke away
"One more question"
Ryan rolled his eyes "Fire away" he said in a resigned voice
"Did you and Marissa ever have sex?" Kirsten asked quietly
"Not in the pool house if that's what you're worried about" Ryan cracked
Seeing the stern look on Kirsten's face, he quickly clarified "No. We never did"
Kirsten looked surprised "I thought you loved her" she said softly
"I thought I did" Ryan said reflectively "I don't know now whether I actually did. I know I didn't love her, if I ever did, after the whole Oliver incident. It was never the right time with us. There was always so many other things getting in the way"
Kirsten studied him. She seemed to be wrestling with herself "I don't know whether I love Sandy anymore. Not like I used to. I mean I don't even wear my wedding ring anymore and he hasn't even noticed" she murmured.
The statement, despite being delivered in a calm voice, shocked Ryan to his very core.
"Wow" He released a breath that he didn't know he had been holding "Um. I don't know what to say"
"You don't have to say anything" Kirsten assured him
"This is getting...." Ryan broke off helplessly, glancing at Kirsten
"I know" she whispered, drawing him closer "I know"
"But I don't want to you know.." Again Ryan broke off
"I know" Kirsten repeated softly
Their contented silence was broken a few minutes later by the sound of the phone ringing. Ryan groped for it and brought to his ear "Hello?"
"Ryan?" Ryan was jolted into a sitting up position by the sound of the voice at the other end. His hands whitened around the receiver
"Dude. Okay listen. I have like thirty seconds left on this phone card and I have like no change so I'm going to dispense with the pleasantries. Suffice it to say that between Summer and Theresa and the baby and my assholish behaviour to both you and Summer we have a lot to talk about. Anyways, the reason I'm calling is to inform you that the prodigal son is returning. Three days from now"
Ryan was shocked into silence. His world had suddenly been thrown into turmoil again.
Ryan felt dizzy, like he had lost his equilibrium
"Dude? Okay I can understand if you hate me or whatever, but saying anything at his point would be nice"
"That's great" Ryan finally managed to get out in a monotone "That's great"
"Yeah it'll be good to get back to Casa Cohen. Though I think Summer will kill me as soon as I see her. Not to mention my parents. Ah fuck Ryan? My phone card's like dead. So I'll see ya in three days. And Ry? As trivial and banal this is, me telling you this when I have ten seconds left on my phone card, I am truly sorry about the baby. That's gotta suck. We can talk as much or as little as you want about it when I get home"
Abruptly the phone went dead. Ryan stared at it for a long while. He shifted away from Kirsten so he was sitting with his back to her.
"Honey?" Kirsten asked, "Who was that?"
"That was Seth" Ryan said in voice utterly devoid of emotion "He's coming home in three days" Kirsten sucked in a breath Without looking at her, Ryan quickly dressed and left the pool house, leaving Kirsten alone to sort out her tangle of emotions.
Disclaimer: Don't own'em, never will.
The scene by now, was all too familiar to Ryan: The golden sunlight angling through the blinds of the pool house, illuminating the familiar golden hair of head resting on his chest. Ryan breathed in slowly looking at the ceiling. They were speeding toward a catastrophic outcome, he knew. He knew that Kirsten knew that too. They were literally risking everything. A marriage, families, a son, a brother. This could only end badly. Ryan had no illusions about this. Eventually something would happen. Seth would come back, Sandy would snap out of the fugue-like state he was in, something would go wrong. And there could be no forgiveness, not for either of them. What Ryan and Kirsten had done was unforgivable. Not to mention illegal. Ryan knew this. But, and this was by now an old story, he couldn't help himself. He was drawn to her like he had been drawn to no other person. Whenever she was near him his brain just stopped functioning on any rational level and all there was was his consuming desire for this woman. Ryan Atwood had always used sex as a kind of escape. He learned at a very young age that he was good at it, that he could maintain control while his partners lost control. Since his family life was so badly out of control, sex became the one thing he could control. Even with Theresa, he could maintain control. But with Kirsten he lost control, had no hope of ever regaining it. It felt roughly akin to being in a speeding car, heading for a cliff. He knew eventually it would come crashing down, but he couldn't extricate himself. His self-reflection was broken when he felt Kirsten stirring.
"Hey" Ryan said softly. Kirsten stared up, her crystalline blue eyes blinking rapidly in the sun. During five seconds, a rapid series of emotions flitted across her face, starting with confusion then flipping through understanding, shame, guilt and ending with acceptance. Ryan was familiar with her rapid assortment of emotions. It happened every time Kirsten found herself waking up in his bed. What both elated and terrified Ryan was that the time it took from her to move from shame to acceptance was decreasing with every passing morning.
"Hey" she whispered, lifting her head and kissing him gently. Feeling that familiar heat surge through his veins, Ryan deepened the kiss.
"Well good morning to you too" Kirsten teased gently. Ryan flashed her an embarrassed smile.
Kirsten rolled off of him and onto her side, facing him. She gently brushed a strand of hair from Ryan's face.
"Your hair's so long. You really should get it cut" Kirsten said affectionately.
"I like it like this" Ryan said, "It makes me look mysterious"
Kirsten snorted. " It makes you look unkempt. Plus it hides your eyes. You know I can cut it for you. I used to cut my friend's hair all the time when I was in college."
Alarmed Ryan looked at her "For your friend's sakes, I hope you were better at cutting hair then you are at cooking. "
Kirsten lightly swatted his shoulder "Smartass. For your information I can do many more things well then just sell real estate."
A slow grin curved Ryan's lips "Oh I can definitely vouch for that"
A blush crept across Kirsten's face. "Oh stop it" she grinned. She paused, regarding him. She leaned forward, letting her hand creep under the blanket. "You know," she whispered in a husky voice "You're not half bad yourself"
Ryan sucked in a breath and gave her his best smouldering look. "Oh, I know"
At the beginning of all this: when Kirsten thought of her relationship with Ryan, she always tried to look at it how the Newpsies would see it. Wrong, scandalous, and about a half a dozen similar adjectives. She thought that if she looked at it that way, it would make it easier to stop. What Kirsten realized, however, was that all of this thinking ignored the basic terrifying fact that it felt right. It felt right in the same way that her and Sandy felt wrong. Of course, this didn't diminish her overpowering sense of guilt at all, but it did make her able to forget about all those feelings when she was with Ryan. It also didn't take away from the fact that if push came to shove, as she knew it would sooner or later, she wouldn't jeopardize the future of her marriage and more importantly her relationship with Seth. She wouldn't let whatever she had with Ryan jeopardize Seth or Sandy. Of course, Kirsten wasn't stupid, she realized that by continuing this thing with Ryan, she was jeopardizing her marriage. But increasingly as her relationship with Ryan deepened, she felt as if she and Ryan were living in a vacuum. Caleb and Julie with busy with their own issues, Jimmy was too busy worrying about Marissa and building a relationship with Hailey and Sandy was still a member of the walking dead. He had begun to sleep in his office and after that horrible night in the kitchen, had barely two words to say to her. Kirsten found it incredible how a seemingly happy marriage could fall apart so rapidly. She hoped that when Seth came back, that Sandy would be revitalized, would become the Sandy she had fallen in love with once again. But in her heart of hearts Kirsten doubted it. Something had changed in Sandy, something had died. His passion and determination had died. Kirsten didn't know this new Sandy. The one who alternated bouts of furious temper with apathy. The one who looked right through Kirsten. With Ryan, Kirsten felt none of the numbing emptiness and regret she felt with Sandy. She felt none of that frustration that came with living in a dying marriage. She felt alive. Totally, completely alive. She felt twenty- two again. Yet it wasn't like she was using Ryan to feel young. It was a two-way street. She was helping him feel alive after the numbing loss that had characterized his summer. She found it ironic that this relationship was in some ways, the first natural and healthy relationship that Ryan had had. They were both helping each other to feel again.
She broke out of her reverie to find Ryan staring at her quizzically.
"Sorry" Kirsten apologized, "I was just lost in thought"
"About.." Ryan prompted
"Just.. nothing" Kirsten started then stopped "Nothing, don't worry about it"
"Seriously what?" Ryan asked, "Are you thinking about Sandy or something" he tried to keep the tightness out of his voice
Kirsten shook her head. "Its just... Please don't take this the wrong way.. but how many girls have you had sex with? Just curious" she quickly added
Ryan opened his mouth and closed it again
"Forget it, just forget it" Kirsten said hurriedly
"No. I mean... You deserve to know" Ryan said quietly "I'm just trying to think" Kirsten raised her eyebrows. Ryan began to count of his fingers. After a few seconds of this Kirsten broke in with an exasperated voice "Oh come on"
"Ten" Ryan said Kirsten stared at him in shock "Well if you didn't want to know then why'd you ask" Ryan said defensively "Things were different in Chino"
"I'm beginning to see that" Kirsten said slowly
"What's your count" Ryan asked
"Oh I can't remember" Kirsten said quickly
"Nice try" Ryan said sardonically "I told you, now you gotta tell me."
"All right" Kirsten said quietly "Three"
Now it was Ryan's turn to stare at her in shock. Finally he managed to get out "Including me?" Kirsten nodded her head
"Wow. You're like a monk. A nun actually" Ryan said in awe
"Hey!" Kirsten said defensively "I only sleep with people I care about"
Ryan gave her a lazy grin "So you do actually care about me"
"Of course" Kirsten said in a sharper voice then she intended. "Do you that I would risk everything that we're risking just for sex"
Ryan winced and began picking at his elbow "Sorry" he mumbled
"Of course" Kirsten said, knowing she needed to break the sudden tension "It IS great sex. I suppose that's one good thing about your, ah, track record"
Ryan looked up and grinned, "Well you know what they say. Practice makes perfect:" he moved to kiss her. After a few seconds, she broke away
"One more question"
Ryan rolled his eyes "Fire away" he said in a resigned voice
"Did you and Marissa ever have sex?" Kirsten asked quietly
"Not in the pool house if that's what you're worried about" Ryan cracked
Seeing the stern look on Kirsten's face, he quickly clarified "No. We never did"
Kirsten looked surprised "I thought you loved her" she said softly
"I thought I did" Ryan said reflectively "I don't know now whether I actually did. I know I didn't love her, if I ever did, after the whole Oliver incident. It was never the right time with us. There was always so many other things getting in the way"
Kirsten studied him. She seemed to be wrestling with herself "I don't know whether I love Sandy anymore. Not like I used to. I mean I don't even wear my wedding ring anymore and he hasn't even noticed" she murmured.
The statement, despite being delivered in a calm voice, shocked Ryan to his very core.
"Wow" He released a breath that he didn't know he had been holding "Um. I don't know what to say"
"You don't have to say anything" Kirsten assured him
"This is getting...." Ryan broke off helplessly, glancing at Kirsten
"I know" she whispered, drawing him closer "I know"
"But I don't want to you know.." Again Ryan broke off
"I know" Kirsten repeated softly
Their contented silence was broken a few minutes later by the sound of the phone ringing. Ryan groped for it and brought to his ear "Hello?"
"Ryan?" Ryan was jolted into a sitting up position by the sound of the voice at the other end. His hands whitened around the receiver
"Dude. Okay listen. I have like thirty seconds left on this phone card and I have like no change so I'm going to dispense with the pleasantries. Suffice it to say that between Summer and Theresa and the baby and my assholish behaviour to both you and Summer we have a lot to talk about. Anyways, the reason I'm calling is to inform you that the prodigal son is returning. Three days from now"
Ryan was shocked into silence. His world had suddenly been thrown into turmoil again.
Ryan felt dizzy, like he had lost his equilibrium
"Dude? Okay I can understand if you hate me or whatever, but saying anything at his point would be nice"
"That's great" Ryan finally managed to get out in a monotone "That's great"
"Yeah it'll be good to get back to Casa Cohen. Though I think Summer will kill me as soon as I see her. Not to mention my parents. Ah fuck Ryan? My phone card's like dead. So I'll see ya in three days. And Ry? As trivial and banal this is, me telling you this when I have ten seconds left on my phone card, I am truly sorry about the baby. That's gotta suck. We can talk as much or as little as you want about it when I get home"
Abruptly the phone went dead. Ryan stared at it for a long while. He shifted away from Kirsten so he was sitting with his back to her.
"Honey?" Kirsten asked, "Who was that?"
"That was Seth" Ryan said in voice utterly devoid of emotion "He's coming home in three days" Kirsten sucked in a breath Without looking at her, Ryan quickly dressed and left the pool house, leaving Kirsten alone to sort out her tangle of emotions.