"You're never gonna be like anyone
And that's okay
Give in to your feelings
Don't give in to the ones that'll own you
Sometimes they just don't go away"--BFS, The Pictures He Drew
Beast Boy...it hurt to know I'd have to break him. It hurt to know I'd never be able to love him, or hell, even -like- him. I mean, it's sweet and all - I never said it wasn't sweet the way he dotes on me, and gets me stuff. I never said it wasn't sweet the way he's always jumping up to greet me. I said it hurt. That's enough, right? I wish...
See, I've got this problem. And it goes like this: Everyone that's ever really trusted me, I've hurt. So, of course, I'm not gonna be want to like him, right? He just trusted me like that, bam! "Hi, my name is Terra, and I'm uhh, I'm a violent sociopath who doesn't know how to control herself, and uhh --" "HI, COME STAY WITH US!!"
I mean...it's not that I don't appreciate this. God, it's -not- that. Because I do. I really, really, really do, it's just...I can't help feeling...there must be a catch. Right? There's always a catch. Aha, and there it is. It's that goth girl. I call her goth, right, but I'm sure she'd stab my eyes out if I said that to her face. She's not goth, really, just...I don't know. I don't know how to describe her. I suck at words and shit. But...I'll try. I'll try to work it all out, all out in words and shit so it makes sense, maybe. She's...
She's like me. She's so like me, it's a bit disturbing. It's disturbing because she's so...unlike me in her likeness to me that it...I've fucked up again. I'll start over.
She's been alone. She's been so alone, like me. She's still alone. She doesn't have any emotions, no happiness, sadness, nothing, because she kills it. To keep her powers going smooth, she holds her emotions down by the throat until they stop breathing. And I'm amazed at her for being able to do that. We're both so alone. But it's different. I try so hard not to be alone, but at the end of the day, I am, because of this stupid fucking secret I've got. It isolates me from everyone else. I guess I'm lucky enough to have something to isolate me, cause I don't have the guts to do it myself, like she does. That's really all that helps to control your powers. Isolation. Some pretty weird stuff happens to you when you're alone, like in the head, and if you can shut that out then you're...um...you're pretty super? ...And...I'm..
Fuck it, I don't know what I'm going on about. I just know that...like, I feel that with everyone else, it was too easy, it was nothing I had to work for. And that makes me feel bad. I'm just given all of this, and I don't have to do a thing. You have to work with Raven. You have to show her you're worth it. I did my best... And I think it worked. When we lifted the tower, that was so perfect. The feeling of accomplishment, the bonding, just having her by my side. Having her as the one that did it with me. And, I think, that's when the real infatuation began.
Later that night, she was the one who walked me to my room. We'd been walking together, close enough to brush hands at times, at others, far enough to play 'follow the leader'. She had her hood down, and she smiled at me. We -laughed- together. No one laughs with Raven. It just...it made me feel special. That she laughed with me, not Beast Boy, who tried so hard to make friends with her. She laughed with me, not Robin, who was most similar to her in personality. Not Cyborg, who was constantly joking. Not even Starfire. She smiles around Star, but they don't laugh. It's more of a friendship thing, I'm sure. Well...it might not have been before, but it is now. It started that night for her too, I think. We stood smiling at each other, just grinning like happy idiots, outside of this door that I was unfamiliar with. Then we locked eyes, and there was kind of this rush, and her smile disappeared. I think she might've blushed a little, but she turned away too fast for me to see, and the automatic metal door opened. I looked at her, cause I didn't get what was going on, but she wouldn't meet my eyes, and just gestured that I should enter.
We stood in the dark for a few seconds. I think she was composing herself or something, but after a bit, I asked where we were. She flipped on a light, and said "..Your room." It was...it was really the nicest room I'd been in. In...ages. It was like...kinda dark, with red and purple, and in the purple there were these stars that glowed in the dark. They covered the ceiling - I think it was so I wouldn't miss sleeping outside. I liked it. Then I got inducted. I felt this really guilty rising, from my stomach to the back of my throat, but I pushed it down. That's what she would've done. Then Cy grins and suggests waffles. So I stay behind and they all run off for some waffles, not a soul checking back to see if I was doing evil or whatever. They just...trusted.
So, I cried a little, since they were gone so no one could see me anyway, then I washed up and pretended I was just thinking about stuff. I sat down at the table - there was an extra seat, for me. I felt so...accepted. Like it was a family, kind of. Only, if it was a real family, I'm an incestual bitch. I guess the bitch part is justified...
Um...so, yeah, waffles. We all just kinda joked around and stuff, and I tried not to stare at Raven too much. Cause, I'm sure she senses it. It was just hard to keep from looking. She eats so cute, like a bird. She takes these tiny little bites. She had like one waffle the whole time - I have no idea how she's taller than me, with a diet like that. I think I had about five of the chocolate chip kind (Beast Boy had twelve), and then when we ran out of chocolate chips, BB and I had an eating contest. I won, hands down with seventeen normal waffles, but just cause he had so many before. Doesn't mean I won't totally hold this victory over him.
So, after all the food we just relaxed and talked a little longer, till Robin said he was turning in, and all the others followed suit. I got to my room way later than everyone else, cause I got lost. The halls of Titan tower were still so new to me. I don't know how long I spent just grinning at my nameplate; "Terra" engraved in the metal...my name there, just like everyone else. Finally, I stepped inside and stood in the dark with my back against the door, just looking at the fake stars and breathing regularly to keep from bursting into tears again. I've lost a lot of control here. I spent a while trying to get my insides stable again. They wouldn't stop churning. Almost an hour later, I was still there, still struggling against the tears (tears were winning - 2 to 0), when I heard light footsteps through the door. Curious, I turned around and the automatic door opened with the sudden movement.
Raven stopped in her tracks, turning to face me, her mouth opened slightly like she wanted to say something. Our eyes met, and she closed her mouth and swallowed. What was she doing storming the halls this late? It must've been sometime near two. She looked like she'd just been caught smuggling mutant babies over the border - she must've known the time.
"Do...umm...do you want to come in?"
I couldn't think of anything to say - my nerves were already shaken.
"Uh...sure."
She must've noticed that I hadn't turned on the lights, but she didn't say anything. There were no chairs, so we sat on opposite sides of the bed, staring at each other silently. I took a stab at conversation to override the pounding in my head from what I was about to do, which I was thinking about in an attempt to override the pounding in my chest from being around her. Fuck, who'd of thought she'd hit me this hard? The liar and the cynic. I scooted a little closer, and then glanced at her one more time before I said quietly "Have you ever noticed that our eyes are exactly the same color?"
I guess I could be kinda romantic if I tried. She just looked at me, blankly, and I started to feel like an idiot. I was about to stand up and stutter an excuse for my words (which were sounding pretty stupid in my head around now) when she finally responded.
"I have. I've also noticed the way your hair always falls into your eyes when you don't want it to." It was in my eyes right now. She leaned a little closer and pushed it back, like when Slade did it but...this time the shivers I got weren't from fear. I spoke slowly, continuing.
"And...the way you move.." She looked at me kind of...it was strange, but we'd moved closer, though I'm not sure when or how.
"Your smile..." Her fingers were over mine, and I cursed my gloves.
"Your skin..." I wrapped my hand around hers and brought my gaze up from our hands to her eyes. She smiled.
"Your freckles..." I don't know how she saw them, they were so pale. I didn't think anyone had noticed. We were side by side now, but we both wanted to be closer - she climbed atop me, straddling my hips, her hand still woven into mine. We kept listing until she stopped my lips with hers - her slender arms around my waist. My gloved hands must've felt like paws against her shoulder blades but I guess she didn't mind - her tongue slid into my mouth and she shuddered against me. I pulled her in closer, we pressed against each other. I hoped I wasn't tragically bad at this - it was my first real kiss. But then...it must've been hers too. She broke off for a split second to glare at the light switch, which obeyed her and flipped off. Then she was against me again, giving me those shivers through the heat, our tongues in a fiercer fight than any waged on the battlefield. My eyes snapped open as I felt her unbuttoning me, then closed again. I really wanted this. We moved furiously against each other, wrapped only in darkness and liquid pleasure. When it was over, she collapsed onto my chest, and I held her as I looked up at the plastic stars. Right then, nothing mattered as much as this girl. Nothing.
And that's okay
Give in to your feelings
Don't give in to the ones that'll own you
Sometimes they just don't go away"--BFS, The Pictures He Drew
Beast Boy...it hurt to know I'd have to break him. It hurt to know I'd never be able to love him, or hell, even -like- him. I mean, it's sweet and all - I never said it wasn't sweet the way he dotes on me, and gets me stuff. I never said it wasn't sweet the way he's always jumping up to greet me. I said it hurt. That's enough, right? I wish...
See, I've got this problem. And it goes like this: Everyone that's ever really trusted me, I've hurt. So, of course, I'm not gonna be want to like him, right? He just trusted me like that, bam! "Hi, my name is Terra, and I'm uhh, I'm a violent sociopath who doesn't know how to control herself, and uhh --" "HI, COME STAY WITH US!!"
I mean...it's not that I don't appreciate this. God, it's -not- that. Because I do. I really, really, really do, it's just...I can't help feeling...there must be a catch. Right? There's always a catch. Aha, and there it is. It's that goth girl. I call her goth, right, but I'm sure she'd stab my eyes out if I said that to her face. She's not goth, really, just...I don't know. I don't know how to describe her. I suck at words and shit. But...I'll try. I'll try to work it all out, all out in words and shit so it makes sense, maybe. She's...
She's like me. She's so like me, it's a bit disturbing. It's disturbing because she's so...unlike me in her likeness to me that it...I've fucked up again. I'll start over.
She's been alone. She's been so alone, like me. She's still alone. She doesn't have any emotions, no happiness, sadness, nothing, because she kills it. To keep her powers going smooth, she holds her emotions down by the throat until they stop breathing. And I'm amazed at her for being able to do that. We're both so alone. But it's different. I try so hard not to be alone, but at the end of the day, I am, because of this stupid fucking secret I've got. It isolates me from everyone else. I guess I'm lucky enough to have something to isolate me, cause I don't have the guts to do it myself, like she does. That's really all that helps to control your powers. Isolation. Some pretty weird stuff happens to you when you're alone, like in the head, and if you can shut that out then you're...um...you're pretty super? ...And...I'm..
Fuck it, I don't know what I'm going on about. I just know that...like, I feel that with everyone else, it was too easy, it was nothing I had to work for. And that makes me feel bad. I'm just given all of this, and I don't have to do a thing. You have to work with Raven. You have to show her you're worth it. I did my best... And I think it worked. When we lifted the tower, that was so perfect. The feeling of accomplishment, the bonding, just having her by my side. Having her as the one that did it with me. And, I think, that's when the real infatuation began.
Later that night, she was the one who walked me to my room. We'd been walking together, close enough to brush hands at times, at others, far enough to play 'follow the leader'. She had her hood down, and she smiled at me. We -laughed- together. No one laughs with Raven. It just...it made me feel special. That she laughed with me, not Beast Boy, who tried so hard to make friends with her. She laughed with me, not Robin, who was most similar to her in personality. Not Cyborg, who was constantly joking. Not even Starfire. She smiles around Star, but they don't laugh. It's more of a friendship thing, I'm sure. Well...it might not have been before, but it is now. It started that night for her too, I think. We stood smiling at each other, just grinning like happy idiots, outside of this door that I was unfamiliar with. Then we locked eyes, and there was kind of this rush, and her smile disappeared. I think she might've blushed a little, but she turned away too fast for me to see, and the automatic metal door opened. I looked at her, cause I didn't get what was going on, but she wouldn't meet my eyes, and just gestured that I should enter.
We stood in the dark for a few seconds. I think she was composing herself or something, but after a bit, I asked where we were. She flipped on a light, and said "..Your room." It was...it was really the nicest room I'd been in. In...ages. It was like...kinda dark, with red and purple, and in the purple there were these stars that glowed in the dark. They covered the ceiling - I think it was so I wouldn't miss sleeping outside. I liked it. Then I got inducted. I felt this really guilty rising, from my stomach to the back of my throat, but I pushed it down. That's what she would've done. Then Cy grins and suggests waffles. So I stay behind and they all run off for some waffles, not a soul checking back to see if I was doing evil or whatever. They just...trusted.
So, I cried a little, since they were gone so no one could see me anyway, then I washed up and pretended I was just thinking about stuff. I sat down at the table - there was an extra seat, for me. I felt so...accepted. Like it was a family, kind of. Only, if it was a real family, I'm an incestual bitch. I guess the bitch part is justified...
Um...so, yeah, waffles. We all just kinda joked around and stuff, and I tried not to stare at Raven too much. Cause, I'm sure she senses it. It was just hard to keep from looking. She eats so cute, like a bird. She takes these tiny little bites. She had like one waffle the whole time - I have no idea how she's taller than me, with a diet like that. I think I had about five of the chocolate chip kind (Beast Boy had twelve), and then when we ran out of chocolate chips, BB and I had an eating contest. I won, hands down with seventeen normal waffles, but just cause he had so many before. Doesn't mean I won't totally hold this victory over him.
So, after all the food we just relaxed and talked a little longer, till Robin said he was turning in, and all the others followed suit. I got to my room way later than everyone else, cause I got lost. The halls of Titan tower were still so new to me. I don't know how long I spent just grinning at my nameplate; "Terra" engraved in the metal...my name there, just like everyone else. Finally, I stepped inside and stood in the dark with my back against the door, just looking at the fake stars and breathing regularly to keep from bursting into tears again. I've lost a lot of control here. I spent a while trying to get my insides stable again. They wouldn't stop churning. Almost an hour later, I was still there, still struggling against the tears (tears were winning - 2 to 0), when I heard light footsteps through the door. Curious, I turned around and the automatic door opened with the sudden movement.
Raven stopped in her tracks, turning to face me, her mouth opened slightly like she wanted to say something. Our eyes met, and she closed her mouth and swallowed. What was she doing storming the halls this late? It must've been sometime near two. She looked like she'd just been caught smuggling mutant babies over the border - she must've known the time.
"Do...umm...do you want to come in?"
I couldn't think of anything to say - my nerves were already shaken.
"Uh...sure."
She must've noticed that I hadn't turned on the lights, but she didn't say anything. There were no chairs, so we sat on opposite sides of the bed, staring at each other silently. I took a stab at conversation to override the pounding in my head from what I was about to do, which I was thinking about in an attempt to override the pounding in my chest from being around her. Fuck, who'd of thought she'd hit me this hard? The liar and the cynic. I scooted a little closer, and then glanced at her one more time before I said quietly "Have you ever noticed that our eyes are exactly the same color?"
I guess I could be kinda romantic if I tried. She just looked at me, blankly, and I started to feel like an idiot. I was about to stand up and stutter an excuse for my words (which were sounding pretty stupid in my head around now) when she finally responded.
"I have. I've also noticed the way your hair always falls into your eyes when you don't want it to." It was in my eyes right now. She leaned a little closer and pushed it back, like when Slade did it but...this time the shivers I got weren't from fear. I spoke slowly, continuing.
"And...the way you move.." She looked at me kind of...it was strange, but we'd moved closer, though I'm not sure when or how.
"Your smile..." Her fingers were over mine, and I cursed my gloves.
"Your skin..." I wrapped my hand around hers and brought my gaze up from our hands to her eyes. She smiled.
"Your freckles..." I don't know how she saw them, they were so pale. I didn't think anyone had noticed. We were side by side now, but we both wanted to be closer - she climbed atop me, straddling my hips, her hand still woven into mine. We kept listing until she stopped my lips with hers - her slender arms around my waist. My gloved hands must've felt like paws against her shoulder blades but I guess she didn't mind - her tongue slid into my mouth and she shuddered against me. I pulled her in closer, we pressed against each other. I hoped I wasn't tragically bad at this - it was my first real kiss. But then...it must've been hers too. She broke off for a split second to glare at the light switch, which obeyed her and flipped off. Then she was against me again, giving me those shivers through the heat, our tongues in a fiercer fight than any waged on the battlefield. My eyes snapped open as I felt her unbuttoning me, then closed again. I really wanted this. We moved furiously against each other, wrapped only in darkness and liquid pleasure. When it was over, she collapsed onto my chest, and I held her as I looked up at the plastic stars. Right then, nothing mattered as much as this girl. Nothing.