A/N:  About a week ago, I started a thing called livejournal, which some of you already know about.  I post entries there daily, and usually let you know what I'm working on at the time, and everything.  I'm thinking that all comments and questions will be answered there, so as not to clutter up the chapters.  Web address: www.livejournal.com. Just search under DarkRaion.

Chapter dedication:  Optical Goddess

                                                            Chapter 7

"I don't know what's worth fighting for

Or why I have to scream

I don't know why I instigate

And say what I don't mean

I don't how I got this way; I'll never be all right

So I'm breaking the habit

I'm breaking the habit

Tonight"

                        --Linkin Park "Breaking the Habit" Meteora

            "So, how long have you been here?"

            "I've been here two years.  Ever since I was eighteen.  Can't say that I remember why I'm here, but it's home to me now."

            Rinoa looked at her newest patient over the top of her notebook and frowned.  "So you actually like being here?"

            The young, blonde-haired woman seated in front of her nodded enthusiastically.  "Yeah, I mean, everything's here," she continued, her voice soft and with a slight southern drawl.  "All of my friends, my mom.  I even have a staff to take care of me.  I think it's great."

            Rinoa rubbed her forehead for a moment.  "Uh, Georgia, as I understand it, your parents have… well, passed."

            She shook her head and smiled.  "I don't know what you're talkin' about.  My momma stays in the room with me."

            "You mean… Molly?"

            She nodded.  "Of course."

            Rinoa sighed.  This was one of the worst cases of denial she'd ever heard of.  "So what would you do then, if Molly passed away?"

            Georgia laughed.  "She told me she's not going to die."

            "Everyone passes away eventually.  And Molly is in poor health.  I don't want to make you sad, I'm just telling you this so you'll be ready when it does happen.  I know you look up to Molly as a mother, but…"

            Georgia suddenly broke in with a laugh.  "You haven't looked closely at my chart, have you?  Well, I'll let you in on a little secret, doc.  I know that Molly's not my mother, and that she's gonna die eventually.  I'm a pathological liar."

            Rinoa searched her charts for a moment and nodded.  "Yeah.  I see that now.  So why do you tell everyone else otherwise?"

            "Have you ever met someone, and you just… felt like you had to do something for them?  You know they need your help and you just feel like the only thing that matters suddenly is helping that person.  I didn't understand it when I first met Molly.  She was just a quiet, out-of-the-way roommate of mine.  Then one morning she forgot to take her meds and she went on a rampage.  She hurt me, and I guess I should've been angry with her, but I realized, it was just even more of a cry for help.  She wanted a daughter.  So I gave her what she wanted.  And now, she really is almost like a mother to me.  Do you hear what I'm saying?"

            Rinoa nodded slowly, oddly enough feeling that she could somewhat identify with her situation.  "I know what you mean.  But tell me this.  If you know it isn't real, why do you make others think that you think it is?  Is it just because of your condition?"

            "Partly," she nodded.  "But I also realize that it has to be that way.  Molly can be delusional but she's not stupid.  If everyone else knew the truth, she'd catch on.  And to be brought out of her fantasy would tear her apart."

            "So, let me get this straight.  You think that when she hurt you, it was just because she wanted your help?  And you keep the truth about your relationship concealed for her sake?"

            She nodded again.  "People are just like animals.  You ever had a pet that got its paw tangled in some rope or something?  They want you to help them get out, but a lot of times they'll hurt you in the process, because they're scared.  You hear what I'm saying?"

            Rinoa nodded, though she wasn't completely sure she understood.  "Yeah, I hear you."

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

            "Well, how did it go?"

            Rinoa turned and shot an exasperated look at her purple-haired companion.  "It was… interesting.  Well, that's a bit of an understatement.  I'm afraid I can't give you the details, though."

            Isabella shook her head and laughed.  "Of course not.  That would be unethical."  She expected to get at least a smile, or nod of acknowledgement in return, but her friend's focus seemed to have slipped away.  She waved her hand in front of Rinoa's eyes.  "Rin, are you okay?  You've been out of it since yesterday.  What happened?"

            "Nothing.  Nothing important."  Seeing that Isabella wasn't about to let it go so easily, she heaved a sigh and tried to explain.  "It's just that… I really don't think I've done much good here.  I've been here for quite a while now, yet no one seems any different from when I first came.  I just don't think I'm cut out to be a therapist.  I'm seriously considering another alternative."

            "No, you're not going anywhere!  Now look at yourself!  What happened to the confident woman I first met?  What's gotten into you?"

            At that moment, Rinoa's gaze was drawn elsewhere again, as a certain someone entered the room.  She refused to speak his name again, whether aloud or even mentally.  The hurt in her eyes didn't go unnoticed by Isabella. 

            "So it was him again?" she asked, shooting a death glare in his direction, even while Rinoa refused to look at him.  "You've got to stop listening to him, whatever it is he's saying to you.  He's just a jack-ass."

            "Yeah.  I know," Rinoa answered before standing from her seat.  "I'll catch you around."

            She watched Rinoa head out the door, her steps unusually heavy, and sluggish.  That did it.  Isabella was going to do something about this, somehow.

            Rinoa brushed those unwelcome memories of the days before aside as she marched down the hallways toward Quistis' office.  As much as she didn't want to think about him, she had to track down his files.  They couldn't have just disappeared, after all.

            Rinoa paused for a moment to knock lightly on the door, before letting herself in.  Quistis gazed up at her wearily.  "What is it, Rinoa?"

            "I need those files, Quistis.  How am I supposed to conduct proper therapy sessions without those files?" 

            She didn't respond but just studied the young woman for a moment with tired eyes.  "You're just not going to give this up, are you?  Look, I honestly haven't seen his file in at least a year.  My guess is, it was accidentally filed in the archives, down in the basement of the building.  If you want to, go look there.  But I swear I don't have it."

            "Fine," Rinoa sighed and headed out the door again.  Somehow she sensed Quistis was sending her on wild goose chase again, but she didn't have the authority to question her just yet.  Instead she stepped into the elevator and pressed the button for the very bottom floor.

            The chrome doors slid open, signaled by a short beep, and revealed a dusty room, with black and white checkered tile, and dim overhead lights.  Directly across from the elevator was a desk, but there didn't seem to be anyone there.  The rest of the room was filled to capacity with bookshelves and filing cabinets.  On the desk there was a slightly rusted chrome bell, with a hand-written sign that said, 'ring for service.'

            Rinoa slammed her hand down on the bell, causing a loud 'ding' to sound off through the room.  For a moment no one showed up, and Rinoa thought she was just out of luck, but suddenly someone jumped up from behind the desk.

            "Hi, there!" a girlish voice announced very suddenly, startling Rinoa to the point of jumping.  The girl had smiling green eyes and short brunette hair turned up at the end in a way that defied gravity.  She wore a red over-all dress with a gray turtleneck sweater beneath it, topped off with a pair of yellow rubber gloves and a soapy sponge in one hand.  She laughed.  "Sorry to scare ya!  I was just scrubbing down the desk.  You wouldn't believe how dusty it gets in here!  Well, how can I help you?"

            "I need to find someone's file.  I was told that it might have accidentally been taken here."

            "Hmm…. I don't remember anyone bringing any recent files down here.  Files of current patients are kept with their doctors.  Only the files on those who died, or were released are down here.  Every patient that was every treated here is documented, and this place is fifty years old!  Even old financial and drug shipment records are kept here," she rambled on.  "Isn't it fascinating?"

            "I guess… If you like that kind of thing," Rinoa replied.  "But I would really like to get those files now, please."

            "Right!" she agreed enthusiastically.  "Name's Selphie by the way.  Now, just tell me the last name and the year he or she was admitted."

            "The last name is Leonhart, and he's been here for three years," Rinoa explained.

            Selphie nodded and typed in the information on an old, dirty computer with a loud and irritating buzz.  She quickly scanned the screen then said, "There's absolutely no one by that name archived here."

            "But she told me that she didn't have them," Rinoa said, more to herself than to Selphie.

            Selphie smiled.  "Let me let you in on something.  Doctors are human, they make mistakes.  But to other people, they're supposed to be infallible, otherwise, how could a person trust them to help?  So doctors, when they do make mistakes, don't like to think about it sometimes, and push all evidence of it off to the side, locking it away somewhere where no one will find it."

            "Sounds possible," Rinoa replied.  After all, Quistis didn't seem the type of person who would want to admit to her mistake.

            "Most doctors have at least one drawer in their filing cabinets that's locked.  That's where they keep their failures.  Mr. Kramer doesn't like for them to keep secrets, though, so he allows them to keep a locked cabinet, only if he is given a key to it.  Those keys just happen to be kept down here."

            Rinoa's eyes widened.  "Really?  Please, I've got to find this file!"

            "I don't know," Selphie speculated.  "We could both get in serious trouble."

            "Please, a patient's well-being is at stake."

            Selphie thought for a moment longer then said, "Okay!  But on one condition.  You have to do a favor for me."

            Rinoa nodded and listened.  "Christmas is coming up soon," Selphie told her.  "It's a time for family togetherness, but I haven't been able to see my brother for years.  I took this job, hoping I could see him, or write to him at least once, but they don't allow common workers like me anywhere near his floor.  I want you to give this to him," she produced a small, folded piece of paper with writing on the inside.  "I just want him to know that I'm thinking of him.  Here, I wrote down his name and his floor number on the top.  If you'll promise to give this to him on or before Christmas, I'll give you the keys you want."

            Rinoa considered briefly, then nodded.  "I'll do it."

            "Great!" Selphie squealed.  "Just give me the doctor's name."

            "Trepe," Rinoa replied.  "Quistis Trepe."

            Selphie disappeared beneath the desk again.  Rinoa could hear her digging through boxes and shuffling papers as she leaned tiredly against the gray and white speckled counter.  After several minutes of searching, Selphie finally came back into sight with a small copper key in her hand. 

            "Here you are.  The key to Quistis Trepe's filing cabinet.  And here's the note I want you to deliver.  Please get this to him," Selphie pleaded, handing her the key and the note.

            "I will," Rinoa promised as she made her way back to the elevator.  "By the way, what floor is he on?" she called over her shoulder.

            "He's on the ninth."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

            The world had only grown darker over the last day, if that was even possible.  The words she had spoken, her soft voice trembling in pain… it was now imprinted into his mind, just another stupid thing that he'd done, that he would regret for the rest of his life.

            "She'd tried her best to help you, now she won't even look at you.  Are you happy now?"

            He put his hand to his forehead tiredly, wishing that just for one moment it would stop, and let him have a single moment of peace.  As he was walking down the hall toward his room, seeking the temporary refuge of those four blank white walls, he heard footsteps behind him, tapping out a quick rhythm that seemed to be mimicking his own.  Was someone trying to catch up to him?

            For a moment, he felt something approaching elation and relief, knowing that the only person that ever bothered to follow him was Rinoa.  Was it possible that she had come to forgive him?  The footsteps behind him didn't quite match the light, steady rhythm he had come to know so well from his close, and quite secretive study of his new doctor.  Not wanting to have his hopes crushed, he decided not to turn around.  It wasn't long, however, before he felt a presence close behind him, and a small, still child-like hand grab him by the shoulder and roughly turn him around.

            "What the hell do you think you're doing?"

            Squall stared at his interrogator, a girl he barely knew, and recognized only because he'd seen her with Rinoa on several occasions.  He arched an eyebrow at her demanding question, but said nothing.

            "You bastard, I should pound your ass into the floor right here and now!"

            "Do I know you?" Squall finally asked.  He masked the amusement in his voice with irritation.  After all, was he really supposed to be intimidated by this tiny creature? 

            "No, I guess you don't.  And you don't need to.  I just wanted to let you know that if you ever hurt Rinoa again, I going to beat the living shit out of you!"

            He sighed, realization dawning on him.  "I didn't mean to," he mumbled.

            "I don't care if you meant to, or not, you did!  Rinoa's actually thinking about leaving now, because of your sorry ass.  Though I can't figure out for the life of me why she should be so concerned over whatever stupid thing you said!"

            He was silent at first, a bit taken aback by the true affect his words had had on Rinoa.  Still, he shook his head.  "What do you expect me to say?  It's not like I can take back what I said."

            "Geez, you are so stupid!" Isabella complained in a frustrated voice.  "You could at least apologize!"

            "Whatever.  I don't do apologies," he replied as he started to turn away.  He was halted by a sharp smack in the head.

            "Don't give me that.  Look, it's none of my business if you really hate Rinoa that much, though how anyone could hate her is beyond me.  All she's tried to do is help you, so the least you could do in return is apologize.  Consider it an act of honor."

            Squall studied the floor, suddenly unwilling to look at the out-spoken girl in front of him.  Is that really what Rinoa thought?  That he hated her?

            "What does it matter, you hate everybody."

            "I'll see what I can do," he muttered beneath his breath before continuing on his way, this time without further disruption.  He was glad, as he now had even more thoughts and feelings to sort out.  He wasn't sure if he was angry that his stupidity was brought to his attention, or glad that he was now able to understand the full extent of his mistake.

            "Forget her.  She's just another one of those pill-pushers.  All they care about is making you suffer more.  She's no different.  Let her suffer."

            (No, I can't) he thought to himself, for once protesting those pesky inner voices.  (I feel guilty about it, yes.  Just guilt.  It's not like I care about her or anything.  I just need to right what I've wronged… that's it, isn't it?)

            "Don't even try fooling yourself.  You've made yourself weak for her.  You should be ashamed!"

            "Attraction is what it is.  You don't want her to go away, because then you wouldn't have some pretty little doctor to look at anymore.  Quistis disgusts you too much.  The only reason you feel bad for Heartily is because of your hormones."

            (Yeah, she is pretty.  No, beautiful, really.  Especially in some of those little skirts she wears.  But this isn't about hormones, or lust.  I just have to say something, do something.  I was the cause of her pain, yet again.  I can't stand to think that I was the one that made her cry.  Maybe I am becoming weak.  Maybe, just maybe I do… care.)

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

            The hallways were crowded with strangers, young and old, while nurses struggled to keep order.  One at a time, they would be called up to the nurses' station and asked whom they had come to visit.  Once given the answer, they would find where that person had been assigned to go, and direct their visitor to that place.

            Because there were so many patients on that floor, and so many people coming to visit them, patients were grouped up and sent to different public locations around the building, where they would meet with their families.  Some were sent to various rec rooms, or common rooms, and others were sent to the fifth floor cafeteria.  Isabella was headed to the outdoor recreation center.

            "Zell's parents are gonna be down there, too," she said, walking alongside Rinoa through the masses of people in the halls.  She had yet to say anything to Rinoa about her discussion with Squall the day before.  She was hoping Squall would go ahead and apologize.  "Zell says he's gonna introduce me to them.  I hope they like me."

            "I'm sure they will," Rinoa laughed slightly.  "What about your visitor?"

            "Sally?  She'll be there, too.  I can't wait to see her.  She's kinda like a big sister to me, so of course I have to introduce her to Zell.  We have so much to catch up on, too."

            The pair stopped at the elevator and waited for the doors to open.  "Well, I hope you have a good time."

            "You don't want to come down and meet her?" Isabella asked, disappointment creeping into her voice. 

            "I will later today.  They'll be here until five, right?  You should spend the first couple of hours alone together.  I'll meet her later, I promise."

            "Okay!" Isabella agreed for stepping into the elevator and disappearing.  Rinoa watched her go with a small smile upon her face.  Isabella was almost always a cheerful girl, but today she seemed especially so.

            (It must be nice to have someone care about you so much) she thought, despite herself.  (No, I have people that care, too!  They're just… not around anymore.)

            Even Quistis was being visited by some of her family members over in the doctor's lounge.  It seemed Rinoa was the only one without company.

            (I have family, too.  He's just… too busy to come.)

            Rinoa sighed to herself, still standing in front of the elevator, and pressed the button for the sixth floor.  Now, while Quistis was occupied elsewhere, would be the perfect opportunity for her to retrieve Squall's file.  At least, that's what she told herself.  She mostly wanted something to do so that she wouldn't have to think about her loneliness. 

            (What about Squall?  He's alone, too.  But he likes it that way, doesn't he?  How anyone lives like that is beyond me, but that's the way he really wants it, isn't it?)

            By this time, Rinoa found herself standing in front of the office door.  She turned the knob, finding it unlocked, and let herself inside.  She let out a gasp in surprise and considered for a moment backing out of the door, unnoticed, but it was too late.  He had seen her.

            Squall, who was seated comfortably in Quistis' padded leather desk chair and turning in slow, bored circles, gazed at Rinoa in surprise.

            Rinoa cleared her throat, and attempted to sound nonchalant as she closed the door behind her.  "What are doing here?"

"My room was invaded by Zell's parents.  There's nowhere else to go where this isn't someone else.  So I came here," he explained.

"Zell shouldn't be in your room.  He's supposed to be outside," Rinoa said.

"Like anybody follows those stupid rules.  So what are you doing here, doctor?" he spoke the last word in a tone of slight contempt.  "Don't you have some family or friends to go see?"

Rinoa seated herself on the couch where Squall usually sat during their sessions.  She crossed her arms over her chest protectively, and frowned.  "I… I'm too busy today to receive any visitors."

            "Somehow I don't believe that," Squall replied as he stood from Quistis' chair.  "Everyone was given the day off, even doctors.  Since doctors rarely get out of this hell hole, either, they get to have a break, too."

            "Well, I'm not a full-fledged doctor, yet.  I'm still an intern."

            "Interns get the day off, too.  You forget, I've been here for a while.  Quistis has had a few interns before you."

            "Oh, I forgot, huh?  I guess that's just something else that makes me an amateur?" she choked out angrily.

            He sat down in the chair across from her, the one she usually sat in.  Perhaps he'd had the intention to apologize at first, but now he was becoming angry, mostly with himself over not being able to speak two simple little words.  "And why are you being so defensive, Ms. Heartilly, if you're confident of your abilities as a doctor?  Shouldn't you just dismiss what I say as angry, unfounded accusations from an angry, bitter man?"

            Her frown deepened.  "Who said I was being defensive?"

            He leaned forward, his eyes staring intently into hers.  "How can you ask that I tell you the truth, when you won't do the same for me?"

            She broke away from his stare, unable to handle the intensity blazing in those cool, frosty eyes.  "It doesn't matter what I say.  I'm not the one in therapy, am I?"

            He smirked a little, but his tone wasn't the least bit playful.  "No, not today.  It's time for a little role reversal.  Today you're the patient, and I'm the doctor.  You're the one with the problems and I'm the one spouting off all that optimistic bull shit like it's the answer to all your pain.  So tell me, Rinoa.  What seems to be the problem?" he asked, his voice low and mocking.

            Rinoa shivered slightly upon hearing her first name escape his lips.  Was it really the first time he'd called her by her first name?  She shook away the thought, and replied slowly, "I'm an only child, I have no siblings.  I didn't have much time for friends while trying to study for this job, so they all forgot about me.  My mother died when I was little, and my father doesn't have time for me.  Is that what you wanted to know, Dr. Leonhart?"

            He stared into her eyes, neither happiness nor displeasure showing in his expression.  Rinoa fought the urge to shiver again, feeling as though he were peering right down into her soul and judging her.

            (It's almost like… he can tell what I'm thinking, how I feel about him.  But, how would he be able to know, when I don't know myself.  He's just a patient… but if that's true, why do I feel so guilty about the way I feel for him?)

            "So you'll admit, then, that the world isn't perfect," he said finally.

            "I never said it was."

            "I might've assumed that there was someone out there that cared about you.  That there had to be.  But it sounds to me like you have no one."

            Her eyes began tearing up, and she turned her head away from him.  She would not show him weakness, even though he had just struck a deathblow to a very sensitive nerve.

            "What's the matter?  Can't handle the truth?" he asked harshly.  "This is what I have to face everyday.  I live with the truth.  But you, you're living in denial, making yourself believe that there are tons of people out there that care about you, when you've been completely left behind.  So tell me what's better!" he demanded.  "Suffering with the truth or living a lie?"

            She stood up and turned her back to him while she tried desperately to control her tears.  She was silent, trying to collect the remnants of her shattered composure in deep, solid breaths, until she finally gave up.  She whirled around, her face alight with rage and irrepressible pain.  "Haven't you done enough?  What kind of point are you trying to prove?  I know that I'm not good at this, I don't need you to keep reminding me!" she cried.  "So just shut up!  I can't take it anymore!"

            "I'm sorry," he mumbled, a sharp pain surging through his chest at the sight of her tears, and the sting of her words.  "I really-"

            "No!" she interrupted.  "Don't tell me you're sorry, I know you're not!  You want out of here?  Fine, give me the damn papers, I'll sign the fucking things myself!  There's no point to you being here!  You know why nobody can help you, Squall?  Because you won't let yourself be helped!  Quistis wasted a good chunk of her time and effort on you, and I wasted several years of my life ever thinking that I could succeed at this," her voice lowered, now hoarse from so much yelling.  "I don't know what to do anymore," she whispered, leaning against the desk as the strength seeped out of her body. 

            A heavy silence hung in the air, Rinoa worn out from her tirade, and Squall at a complete loss of what to say.  The only thing he knew was that he'd never felt so terrible in his life.  He couldn't look at her, but he could hear her as she turned away again, and sobbed quietly to herself.

            "Isn't this what you wanted?  To be rid of her and everybody else here?  Leave it well enough alone."

            Squall ignored the thought and slowly stood up, considering his options.  Fleeing the room and never looking back was a highly appealing idea at the moment, but he knew that if he didn't do something now, he could never make it right again.  He slowly approached her, though she didn't notice, and gently, hesitantly placed his hands on her shoulders.  Whether it was in support, or just to show that he was still there, he wasn't sure.  He had no idea what he was doing.

            When she felt the touch of his hands on her shoulders, she turned around slightly, studying him from the corner of her eye before abruptly turning to face him and burying her face in his chest, still crying.

            If he was clueless before, he hated to think of what he was now.  He simply froze, not knowing what to do, or say, not knowing if he was helping or making matters worse.  All he could do was stand there, his hands rested gently on her arms, and her warm tears dampening his shirt.  He finally gathered the courage to whisper, in a faintly trembling voice, "I'm sorry.  I really didn't mean it."

            He wasn't sure how long they stayed that way, nor did he care.  There was a strange warmth in his heart, an odd little piece of him that liked the close proximity of her body, and reveled in it.  Was it possible that Squall Leonhart had a tender side?

            (Stranger things have been known to happen) he thought to himself.

            Finally, she picked up her head, and reluctantly brought her eyes to meet his.  "I'm sorry," she whispered.  "I didn't mean to-"

            "Don't apologize," he interrupted.  "I'm the one who's at fault.  I don't know why I say things I don't mean… maybe it's just a defense mechanism.  But really, I… you are good at what you do.  And you should never doubt yourself because of some stupid thing I say."

            She nodded, still so close to him.  Closer to him than she thought was really healthy.  "I know.  It's just hard."

            "I-I guess… I guess I do need your help," he stammered.  It wasn't something that was easy for him to say.  He'd never admitted it to anyone before, not even himself. 

            She smiled to him slightly.  "I'll help you.  And that's a promise."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A/N:  Whew… Got a little intense there for a minute.  Well, hope you liked it!  And remember, comments or questions will be responded to in my live journal.

Next chapter: Squall & Rinoa's third session, Rinoa steals Squall's file, and Squall & Rinoa get it on in Quistis' office?