Chapter 11
I don't hear a sound
Silent faces in the ground
The quiet screams, but I refuse to listen
If there is a hell
I'm sure this is how it smells
Wish this were a dream, but no, it isn't
Walk in the rain, in the rain, in the rain
I walk in the rain, in the rain
Why do I feel so alone
For some reason, I think of home
~ Mai Yamane Rain
Wind blew with untamed ferocity, rattling the bare branches of the trees as the sun was slowly devoured by the horizon. Patches of glistening snow covered the frozen earth, fresh footprints in the icy white powder telling of a recent visitor to the desolate wasteland that had long since been forgotten by the living.
Grey, stone slabs poked up from the hardened soil in neat, orderly rows, collectively casting a monstrous shadow over the hill upon which they sat. Fingers gently traced the engraved letters, the granite burning with a frosty bite.
"Only a few years… seems like an eternity. All this time that I suffered, was it really all in vain? Was I wrong, for feeling that I was wrong? Am I wrong, for even being here at all now?"
The wind picked up again with a faint howl, scattering blood red petals over the blank white expanse of snow.
"Life has been like some kind of distant dream. These past few years have drifted away, into nothingness. There's nothing of it in my memory, because none of it was worth remembering. I just wanted to waste away. Now, my mind is flooding with all these memories, and I can't hold them back. Can you tell me… why I can't keep her out anymore? Could it be, that I'm finally awaking from my dream….?"
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
Rinoa lay sprawled across the over-stuffed couch in the rec room, watching the silent images flicker across a dusty television screen. Her bare feet pushed against one arm of the sofa, while her shoulder blades rested on the other, allowing her head to dangle off the other end. It was the only position she hadn't grown bored of yet.
Two days had pasted since the incident in the elevator, and they hadn't spoken to each other since. He was being his usual distant self, and she knew she couldn't face him without bringing up their kiss. Her problem was, that she had no idea how to approach him about it. So, she had avoided him, and had driven herself into boredom at the same time. There was nothing to do now, except watch cliché soap operas on mute, and contemplate all the unanswered questions of her life.
"It's official," Rinoa murmured to herself. "I've hit a new low in life."
She closed her eyes, and distantly wondered about her future. She had been at the Angel Haven mental asylum for nearly six months. Soon, she would go from being an intern, to a full-fledged doctor. But what then? She had decided she would stay there at the asylum for as long as she was needed, but after that? She had always dreamed of her own little practice in the city, with a nice apartment and a small family. A loving, supportive husband with a nice job, a child or two, and maybe even a dog. These were the things she'd always wanted out of life. But was she still the same person now, as she was then?
A swift rapping on the door sent her spiraling from her reverie. Margaret poked her head in the door shortly afterward, and said in a cautious voice, "Ms. Heartilly? I'm sorry to disturb you, I was just wondering if you were alright?"
Rinoa sat up and cracked her stiff neck. "Yes, Margaret, thank you."
After the older woman had left, Rinoa stood from the couch with a frown, deciding that it had long since been time for her to stand up. Slipping on her shoes, and wrapping her arms around herself to keep out the cold, she left the rec room behind, hurrying off to the elevator with her eyes trained on the floor.
One would think that by now she'd have learned her lesson about walking blindly down the long blank corridors of the fifth floor. But the lesson apparently escaped her, as she narrowly missed colliding into a patient again. As she looked up to see who had almost knocked her down, she cursed her bad karma and forced a smile.
"Sorry," she muttered, attempting to bypass. She was startled when she felt a hand firmly wrap around her wrist.
"That's no way to apologize."
Rinoa tried to ignore the heat in her cheeks, as she glanced up and was met with the eyes of the person she'd been avoiding for days. Something about the distant glimmer in those eyes, the indecipherable shadow that had fallen over his gaze, made her forget very quickly about her own problems with him. "Is something wrong?"
He stared down at her, something between a perplexed and pained look twisting his features. He said nothing more, but instead began to walk away, drifting aimlessly down the hallway as if nothing at all had transpired between them.
Rinoa quickly chased after him, calling out his name in a futile attempt to get his attention. Finally, getting frustrated with his unusual behavior, she planted herself directly in his path and grabbed him by both shoulders. "What the hell's your problem?!"
With a low growl he knocked her away from him, nearly sending her crashing to the floor. His angered look softened slightly as he noticed the shocked look on her face. While he'd almost always been rude, he'd never been violent with her. "Sorry," he mumbled. "I just don't wanna talk about it."
"Too bad," she replied softly. "You're going to tell me, even if I have to spend the rest of the day weaseling it out of you. So, why don't you make this easy on both of us, and just tell me what's wrong."
He leaned against the wall, sighing deeply as he covered his face with his hands. "Why do you always have to go meddling in things that don't concern you?"
"Well, for one thing, it's my job. But more importantly, because I care about you."
"Well you shouldn't!" he snapped.
"Why not?"
"Because… because it makes things harder for me."
"That's kind of selfish don't you think? Just tell me what's wrong. Maybe I can help you," she said, her voiced hushed to a soothing whisper. She gently took his hand and led him back into the rec room, where they would have privacy. She pushed him down onto the couch and shut off the TV before sitting down herself. "So?"
Squall gave a disgusted sigh and turned from her. "If you must know," he began angrily, "Today's… today's the day that… my sister…"
"Squall…" Rinoa interrupted gently. She could see the pain growing in his eyes with every word, and couldn't bear to let him continue. "You're still blaming yourself, aren't you?"
He crossed his arms over his chest. "I have at least another few days before I get dragged back into therapy with you."
"You're avoiding the question."
"I don't need this shit!" he yelled, standing quickly and charging for the door. "I don't know why the hell I bother with you! Things would be so much easier for me if you would just stay the hell out of my business!"
She stood up and stared after him. "Nothing will ever be resolved this way. If you'd just talk to me-"
"Enough! I'm tired of hearing this from you! I'm tired of you, period! The past few months you've been nothing but a pain in the ass, and I'm not putting up with it anymore!"
The room fell silently for a moment, the air still ringing slightly with angry roars. Rinoa's expression twisted into something hurt, and angry, and bitter, as she marched up to the fuming man and calmly slapped him across the face. "A pain in the ass, huh?" she repeated in a low whisper, a stark contrast from his voice a moment ago. "Maybe so. Maybe, I should have just given up on you a long time ago. I don't know what ever made me think-" her voice broke off painfully for a moment, but then she continued with a renewed resolve. "I don't care what problems you have with me! That isn't why I'm here. Yelling and raging every time somebody strikes a nerve doesn't do anything but push the world further away from you. I don't understand why you blame yourself for what happened. Does it make it easier for you to except the fact that she's gone? Are you scared to admit that it was just her time because then you'd have to admit that your life is not entirely in your hands? Tell me. Enlighten me. Why?"
He couldn't answer for a very long moment. An overwhelming mixture of despair, guilt, and shame was swelling within him, and for once, he just couldn't detach himself from it.
"I'm sorry," he murmured.
She grabbed both of his shoulders again, bringing his eyes to hers. The deep chocolate orbs glittered with unshed tears and powerful determination. "Don't tell me you're sorry. Your words are empty. No matter how many times you apologize, you always end up doing it again! Just tell me why! You owe me at least that much."
It hit him with chilling intensity, then, that she was right. He truly was sorry; he really did feel remorse for his actions. So why did he continue to act the way he did? Why did he keep lashing out with hollow anger at the innocent people around him? "I don't know why," he finally admitted. "I don't know anything about myself anymore."
Rinoa gave a deep sigh as she slowly opened the door to the hallway. "Then you'll just have to make an effort to learn."
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
The endless patterns etched into the blank ceiling had never been the most fascinating thing, but there was really nothing else to do but stare silently at the top of his prison. He was just drifting off into a restless sleep when he felt something bump his bed. He opened his eyes into narrow slits and stared up at the intruder.
Rinoa crossed her arms over her chest, the keys in her hands jingling slightly as she moved. "Come on, get up," she urged. "We don't have much time."
Squall rubbed the sleep from his eyes, but made no move to stand. "What do you mean?"
Rinoa flung open the door to his closet and dug out a coat before tossing it to him. "Put that on, it's cold out there."
"What the hell are you talking about?" Squall demanded as he stood up and slid the coat over his shoulders.
She grabbed his hand and pulled him out of the room wordlessly. The nurses' station was mostly deserted, so getting to the elevator was easy, but she still seemed cautious. When the doors slid closed, she let out a relieved sigh. "Well, that went fine, now we just gotta get out of the lobby."
"Where the hell are you taking me?" Squall asked again.
"You'll see," was the only answer she provided.
Luckily, the receptionist at the lobby desk also seemed to be off duty, as well as the guard at the gate. Rinoa led Squall out to the parking lot, and motioned for him to get in the passenger side. The ride was passed in silence. Rinoa dared not speak, or she would release the anxiety she felt about taking him out of the asylum without permission. She didn't ask, of course, because she knew they wouldn't let her.
Squall decided that it was better not to question Rinoa's strange actions. She apparently had some plan up her sleeve that would reveal itself it time. Still, the curiosity was killing him, especially when she stopped for a few moments at a small florist shop and came out with a bouquet of roses. She tossed them into his lap, and started off again, still saying nothing.
Finally, as she pulled off the main road and on to a narrow dirt path that ran alongside an open field, she said, "I did some research earlier. It wasn't easy, but…" her voice trailed off softly as perfectly-shaped gray stones began to dot the empty fields next to them. She slowed the car, steering off the road and coming to a stop in the grass beside the path. "I found where your sister was buried," she finished at last, slowly opening the door and stepping out.
With his usual blank expression, he grasped the flowers tightly in his hands, following her through widely spaced rows of gravestones, until she finally stopped in front of one in particular, and turned to look at him. "You never got to say goodbye to her. You never got closure. So, this is your chance… I want you to really think about what your life's been since she died. Think about how she would feel, if she knew how you lived your life now, because of what happened in the past."
With that, she turned and headed to an old willow tree up the hill, leaving him alone to face his own ghost as well as his sister's. For a long time, he couldn't say anything at all. Words burned paths through his brain and caught uselessly at the back of his throat, choking him on his own emotions. He laid the rose bouquet at the foot of the headstone and sighed. What did Rinoa expect to come of this?
"This is hard," he mumbled to himself, feeling tempted to stand and leave. "Too hard."
"Since when have you been a quitter?"
The voice echoed through his brain, bringing the world around him to a complete stop.
"Haven't I told you before how you can't just walk away from things? No matter how far you run, your problems will always follow. Hey, are you even listening to me?"
He rolled his eyes. "No."
She put her hands on her hips and sighed. "Well, if you ever want to get rid of that bully at school, you're gonna have to just face him. Got it? It you keep running away, it'll make him even more determined to get you."
She looked down at the little boy in front of her, her loving gaze settling on the pair of blue eyes that peeked out at her through locks of messy brown hair and a ring of purplish skin. "I don't want you to get hurt. But sometimes, you have to stand your ground, or you'll never find true happiness." Her lecturing tone was interrupted by a giggle. "Besides, if all else fails, I'll teach that bully a thing or two myself!"
Her joyful voice faded away, leaving a delightful ringing in his mind. Odd how a distant memory could still hold such meaning after so long. In fact, he hadn't remembered anything of her at all in a long time. He locked away all his memories of her in hopes of riding himself of the pain. Instead, he lost all the things that made him happy in life, and was left with the feeling of guilt that haunted him every second of the day.
(I tried to run away from my problem) he thought to himself. (But it still follows me after all this time…) he laughed bitterly to himself as he allowed his fingers to trace the engraved name that conjured up a whirlwind of turmoil in his soul. (I guess you were right after all… after these few years between us… your words can never die.)
Suddenly, he found his voice, the words leaving his lips of their own accord. "Only a few years… seems like an eternity. All this time that I suffered, was it really all in vain? Was I wrong, for feeling that I was wrong? Am I wrong, for even being here at all now?"
He shivered beneath the onslaught of the wind, but it was more than just the frosty air that made him tremble. Images of a life long since lost flashed past his mind's eye, as if that one memory had opened the floodgate.
"Life has been like some kind of distant dream. These past few years have drifted away, into nothingness. There's nothing of it in my memory, because none of it was worth remembering. I just wanted to waste away. Now, my mind is flooding with all these memories, and I can't hold them back."
(So what happens now? Do I face my own guilt? What will happen… what will life be like? Could I actually be happy like she always says?)
He shook his head, realizing that even at this time, he thought of her.
"Can you tell me… why I can't keep her out anymore?" he asked of his sister's memory. "Could it be, that I'm finally awaking from my dream? That I'm finally going to live again…?"
The ride back to the asylum was spent in silence. Squall stared out at the scenery as it flashed by, too deep in thought to really see anything. Rinoa was dying of curiosity. Obviously, something must have happened, as he seemed to be contemplating things so hard. Still, she was afraid to ask.
Upon returning, Rinoa left Squall to his own mind, heading off to the cafeteria for a late meal. He retired to his room for the rest of the night.
When Rinoa awoke the next morning, she found herself staring into a pair of cold blue eyes, but they were not the same ones that entranced her every time she thought of them. No, this pair made her heart slam into her chest, and her stomach twist into knots at the disapproving look within them.
"Get dressed," the stern voice said. "Then you will come to my office. We've much to discuss."
Rinoa grudgingly dressed herself, and took the elevator down, a feeling of unease tightening in her throat. Quistis shouldn't have come back already. But the fact that she had, was a flashing neon sign that things had gone horribly, horribly wrong. She steeled herself, then turned the knob and entered the infamous room, taking a seat before the desk.
"I was helping to prepare food for a New Year's Eve party at my friends house last night, when I received a call on my cell phone. Most of the nurses and guards had left their post for the evening, since there was hardly anyone here. The security cameras never take a moment off, however. The head nurse on the night shift took a look through it. It's usually Mr. Kramer's job to review the tapes, but he too, is on vacation. As soon as she saw the video from two nights ago, in which Mr. Leonhart took the elevator up, and both of you came down at the same time, she called me, and told me. By the time I got here, she was nearly speechless with shock. Shock that you had actually taken a patient off the premises without permission."
"It's not what you think!" Rinoa began to protest. "It was just that-"
"I don't give a damn what it was!" Quistis replied, for the first time raising her voice. "You had taken far too many liberties with him as it was, but this more than crosses the line. The day that you came in here and suggested you two do one on one therapy, I should've put my foot down. The day Mr. Kramer informed me that the latest tape in his office revealed the two of you in here alone, and embracing, I should've fired you!"
Rinoa's cheeks reddened at the mention of that incident, but she refused to stay silent. "You don't understand! It wasn't like that at all!"
"Bull shit! Ever since you came here you've done nothing but break the rules and cause problems for everyone. You took our simple little operations here and turned it into something chaotic!"
"I haven't done anything wrong!" Rinoa cried back. "I did what I thought I needed to do to help these people! Human lives aren't written in black and white. When are you gonna realize that?!"
"I realize that perfectly well, but getting close to the patients like that is strictly forbidden! You don't know what could happen!"
"All these people need is a friend. Someone who doesn't listen to them just because they're paid to. Someone who doesn't fake sympathy for the sake of their jobs. How are we ever supposed to help these people heal by isolating them?! Besides, you were in a personal relationship with-" Rinoa stopped all of a sudden and glared back at Quistis with a tiny smirk on her face. "I see now. You're jealous, aren't you? You're jealous because Squall would never let you get that close."
She knew she'd said the wrong thing as soon as the words had escaped her lips. Not only did it ruin any chance she had of keeping her job, but it was spiteful of her as well. She knew it was a sensitive subject for Quistis, and as much as she disliked the woman, she didn't want to hurt her in such a way. Still, what was done in the heat of the moment could not be recalled, and the flash of her hurt in her eyes, quickly masked by rage, told her that there would be no mercy.
"I'm sorry," she murmured, praying her sincerity would show through. "I shouldn't have… I didn't mean to-"
"Gather your things, Ms. Heartilly," Quistis spoke with renewed calm as she sat back down in her chair. "I want you gone from here by tomorrow morning."
As dinner came and went without any sign of the raven-haired woman that plagued his mind, he began to worry. She was never a very prompt person, but it wasn't like her to skip dinner all together. It actually seemed kind of strange to have a meal pass without her cheerful face across from him.
He left the cafeteria early, walking aimlessly through the halls as he wondered where she was, and what he would say to her, once he found her. As he was passing by the open door of the rec room once more, a slight sniffling caught his attention. He poked his head in the door, searching the mostly darkened room until his eyes landed on a dark-haired woman, sitting with her knees pulled up to her chest.
"Rinoa?" he asked, stepping into the room until he was standing next to the ancient sofa where she sat.
She looked up at him for a brief moment, before looking away again, but he didn't miss her red puffy eyes, and tear-stained cheeks. "What happened? What did I do this time?"
She couldn't help but laugh slightly. "It's not your fault, for once. It's mine. I shouldn't have been so careless."
"What do you mean?"
She was silent for a long moment, choosing her words carefully. "They fired me."
He sucked in a deep breath. "Fired you? That means… you won't be coming back… It was my fault, wasn't it? It's because you tried to help me."
She stood up quickly, gently placing a hand on his face. "No, it's not your fault at all! I did some things I shouldn't have, and now I just have to face the consequences. This has nothing to do with you." He didn't look convinced at all. She sighed and allowed her hand to fall to her side. "Look, there's no use arguing over it now. I have to leave in the morning, and I don't want it to end that way."
"End…" he repeated to himself, as he felt a sharp pain in his chest at the meaning. "But… you can't. I was just… I was finally starting to move in the right direction."
Her tears swelled once more, until they over flowed. "I'm sorry! I should've been more careful! I've ruined everything for you, haven't I?"
He shook his head. "No, if you had never broken the rules for me like you did… I doubt I would've made any progress at all."
She wiped furiously at her tears. "Yeah, maybe so. It's getting near curfew now. I'd hate for you to get in trouble to."
He rubbed his neck, a sign of nervousness that she'd come to recognize. "Alright, but… Will you stay with me for awhile?"
A/N: Well…. I had a lot of fun writing this, and it's been such a wonderful experience and… Oh yeah, we're only halfway through it, huh? Well, next chapter, we join Rinoa back in the present to attend a funeral, and reflect on the past.