A/n- Um, first of all, sorry if I confused anyone with the whole Puck thing. What can I say? I guess I'm just too obsessed with the book Focus On THIS! I'm trying to get that cleared up next chapter or so, if at all.

Second of all, I'm doing this chapter as a songfic on Paul's thoughts at the hospital after Suze left. It somewhat relates to later chapters. And no, I'm not delaying the discovery so the blow that Suze finding out Jesse isn't a virgin (GASP- he has a daughter?) isn't going to be too hard. Now, I'm not saying that it's his daughter, I'm just saying I need a break from the main story. And get into the brain of our lovely Paulie.

Some responses to reviews:

Clavel- I wish I had an alter ego like you do. (now, where did that come up? I must have issues with stating random topics.) And yes, I adore cliffies. They're so fun to write.

Alisa- You're not the only one wasting time. I'm doing it right now since I'm kind of stuck on how to start this songfic. And I can't help depriving myself. Bad habits ARE hard to break.

Kat- Yes, I know you! From the Twilight message boards. Especially the fanfiction topic. Lol, that thread is kind of turning into a cooking one. Not that I'm complaining. Cooking=fun-even-if-I-can't-do-it-to-save-my- life.

Jerry- I already talked to you on AIM. I love tormenting you, don't you?

Kelly- Aw, you're being too nice. And Jesse's daughter? You sure? Lol.

Meg- Thanks so much!

Oenone- Glad you like it!

Oh yeah. Add a thank you to every individual comment.

Now that I have spent enough time ranting, on to the songfic.

Artist: Green Day

Song: Pulling Teeth (I don't really understand why it's called that, since I find nowhere in the song was there mentioned anything about 'pulling' or 'teeth' or 'pulling teeth'. But I am not completely stupid as to not realize that it's just a metaphor.)

So I was just looking at the lyrics of my CD collection one day, and this song seemed absolutely perfect to describe Paul's situation right now. The lyrics are simple, but you gotta read between the lines. Most Green Day song are like that, hidden meaning and all. Anyway, this song is somewhat short, but that's okay. Read and review it, please!



Chapter 3- Songfic

Suze, you have no idea what I have been through. All the secrets that have been kept away from the ones I trust and care about are tearing me apart, eating me away, day after day, year after year. It's pure torture when you're inside this body, putting up a front for all time just to protect what you fear may one day be revealed and taken away forever. If it's this life you gotta live, then you have no choice but to learn to survive with no hope. No love. No freedom. No justice. No FAITH.

But I can't be just anybody. Even with all the challenges and roadblocks in my path, I find a way. I wasn't merely born as any other blonde haired, blue-eyed, cynical mediator. I was one who grew up doing what he is told, not knowing what contradiction truly means. But what about now? Now my fate isn't any different, but I have changed in many ways that would make my grandfather "proud". This day, I may only watch and listen, but I also know. I understand. I have what it takes to improve lives, and also destroy them when I please. Because not only was I a just mediator, but I was one with a unique destiny. A destiny that has brought me here today, in this sick and twisted hospital bed, once again staring at the ceiling and wondering if all has been lost in this awfully empty world.

I'm all busted up

Broken bones and nasty cuts

Accidents will happen

But this time I can't get up

Do I even want to? It feels nice for a change, to just lie here on the bed, not contemplating anymore schemes, not worrying about destroying anymore fragile souls. It hurts. It truly does. To see their expressionless eyes glaze over, losing all hope. To hear their hollowed cries, screaming like a deaf man demanding justice. To feel their numbly dead touch, silently pleading for freedom. To balance out all their dreams, and knowing that they'll never get anywhere, because in their heart, there isn't love. As for a long time, they have already lost faith. Without that, there is nothing. Nothing will never again turn into something unless they store faith in the right place. Some may have truly lost it and will never encounter it again, but others have only misplaced it. They will find it, if they truly want to.

What about me, though? What category do I belong in? I haven't thought about this for so long, since I didn't feel as if it were truly important anymore. A simple and clear vision of Susannah Simon was all it took for me to hit on the brakes, shift my direction, and steer toward her path and discover what lies in the center. I was immensely making progress, too. You know, one minute I was on this road, straight and narrow, leading toward Simon's heart, and the next minute I was flipped over on the far side, radio still blasting at full power and wheels spinning out of control. And it was all the cause of a certain Jesse De Silva.

After all she's the one...

Who put me in this state.

Someone definitely had to pay. Why not just him? He was the only thing that then was in my way, depriving me of my sight to see everything for it all truly was, and therefore resulting in the huge screw up. For the first time in my life, I went with the flow, not planning out every single step beforehand. And where exactly did it get me? Nowhere. Oh what hell, it actually got me to plenty of places. First into Simon's brittle heart. She was having a battle with uncertainty, that I could see clearly. It was either hit or miss, and it depended entirely on one thing. I was sure with one more blow she'd be all mine. See, she wasn't experienced at all, and that I could work to my advantage to win her over. I was one millimeter away from the finish line when de Silva came along, knocked all the sense out of me, and in a speed faster than lightning, he snagged the trophy AND the girl. If my doubts are really someone else's point of view, what he did could be considered as fair. So why do I feel as if I was cheated? That everything I did out of pure instinct was later viewed as a lie? Do they really think every action I took was all for my own benefit? Does Simon think that?

Is she ultra-violent?

Is she disturbed?

I better tell her I love her

Before she does it all over again,

Oh God, she's killing me!!!

Without even thinking it over, I know the answer is 'yes'. Whenever she's anywhere near me, I feel her icy heart. She's cold. Colder than a glacier. Everything she says to me are lifeless, meaningless. It's as if all things that shape her then becomes frozen, numb, unfeeling. Do I do that to her? Am I truly able to affect her that much? Do I really have the ability to make her paralyzed in her own emotions? Even so, why does she let me? Why can't she fight back? Why just sit there, fuming about what an evil guy I am, and not go out there and discover the truth herself?

She may be surprised if she does. I myself have tried countless times to make her understand, to explain my motives, to prove to her that I'm not all the devil she made me out to be. Yet does she give me a chance before I can even begin to start? Does she look beyond anything in me besides all the mistakes I have unseeingly made when I was lost without anything to call my own? Does she even attempt to define me, to peel away the hard exterior on the outside and uncover layers and layers of scorn, irony, and all the other characteristics I possess and finally expose the innermost coating of hurt and insecurity?

It's easier said than done to just tell her straight out how I feel about her. What kind of person I think she is trying to hide. Who she has slowly come to mean to me in a way I never imagined possible. Where her place is now in my heart even though she doesn't want to be there. When she first entered there and gave me the biggest scare of my life. Why even right now, I can't face the truth, the reality, the certainty, of my own body, mind, soul, and spirit.

For now I'll lie around

Hell, that's all I can really do

She takes good care of me

Just keep saying my love is true.

I can't say I was exactly shocked to find her standing outside my hospital room's door. Somehow I was expecting her visit. She may believe that it was only her guilty conscience that lured her here, but I know otherwise. While she was busy fumbling around with her words and phrases and staring continuously at nothing, I was studying her, her expression, her posture. As usual, her face was blank, her words frosty, her form stiff. She didn't want to be there. She didn't really care about how I was doing. Only one thing was keeping her from bolting out the door and never looking back. What? She wants to find out what I've been trying to hide about the kind of the person I was meant to be? She wants to know the secrets about my past that is standing in my way, blocking me from enjoying the present and providing me with a dread of the future? Or is she only interested in what I have to tell her relating to mediating and mediators?

Funny. I never asked to be able to see and speak to the dead. I never wanted the power to help ghosts move on. I would never have the need to go back in time. How would all those things help me achieve my real goals? They only zigzag my path, distracting me from what I set out to do, and in the end, I'm always at where I began, or in a place I don't recognize or want to belong in. As usual, I feel isolated, lacking in strength, power, intensity. And life. Loneliness isn't a pleasant feeling. It's constantly there, tugging at the edge of your mind, demanding you to acknowledge it and chase it away. Ignoring it only makes it more persistent, buzzing bluntly every second of your life, laughing maniacally in your face whenever you're alone. I have experienced that feeling and much more. I had no desire to be one of their weak preys. I set out, seeking for someone. And I saw her. It didn't work out at that time. It won't work now. But every response she makes enables me to believe that there might be something in me that's not dead after all.

Looking out my window for

Someone that's passing by

No one knows I'm locked in here

All I do is cry...

Nevertheless, now she is gone. This gloomy room is again empty, still, unoccupied by any form of energy. I am by myself once more, feeling like some sort of social tool without any use. Nothing in me is alive. Nothing in this place seems familiar. Nothing in this world can fit the scattered pieces of me together, or fill the gaping hole in my hollow heart. It is hard to accept, but everything is hopeless. Too much have been sent my way to torment me, causing floods of pain, distress, grief. The agony of me. What's the use in fighting my own existence? That's how life works. If you play by the rules of reality, then what you get is a big, fat, extravagant fantasy turned into a super episode of pathetic nightmare. Ironic. I have long given up.

Scream at me until my ears bleed, and I still can't hear you. Stare at me until all feeling has left my face, and I still can't see you. Hold me until our bodies fuse into one, and I still can't feel you. Show all the affection you may sense you have for me, and I still can't love you. For a long time now, I have believed that I was always just born unlovable. But now, as I lie here in a sick mound of flesh glaring up at all the new bare naked truths that have materialized before me, I finally realize the truth: No one is ever born unlovable. Some just become that way... like me.



A/n- There're two parts to Paul Slater: The mocking, normal teenage part of him that mostly everyone assumes as evil(...), and the serious, cynical part of him that enables almost all to believe that he has psychological issues(...). I toyed with the his cynical side and out came this songfic.

Oh yeah. Before you flame me with all the 'Paul isn't like that at all... he should be thinking evil thoughts about how to ruin Suze's life and his next attempt to rape her... he is just plain EVIL ...' and yada yada yada, please keep in mind that I was portraying the side of Paul that dissed Kelly Prescott, not the side of Paul that lured Suze into his house and lied to Jesse. Okay. Review!