CHAPTER TWO: NO DREAM, BULMA!! WAKE UP AND SMELL THE SALAMANDER DROPPINGS!!
And no, Salamander dropping's are not a pleasant thing to wake up to in the morning.
"Good lord Vegeta!" she moaned, waving her hand in the air. "What the hell is that smell?"
Vegeta didn't say anything. Perhaps it was because he was sleeping, or perhaps it was because he chose to ignore her for even insinuating that he had cut the cheese. Besides, Sayajin farts were much more smelly than anything imaginable. Bulma learned this after she had made him a dinner that consisted of cabbage, beans, and a whole lot of mandrin oranges for dessert. See if she ever did anything stupid like that again.
She couldn't say another word before a motion in the corner of her eye caught her attention.
"YOU!" she pointed to Freiza, who had been sneaking up on the sleeping Sayajin.
"I do have a name." He pouted, sounding hurt.
She lunged for him when he started to pull the covers from Vegetas body.
"Not so fast!!" she grabbed him by the throat and he gurgled.
"Wait! Stop! Desist! I was only—
"Shut up!" she snarled into his face. "Now would you kindly explain...THIS!!?"
She pointed to a pile of shit in the corner.
(Dramatic chord)
"Yes, I can explain that. Those would be my dropping's."
Bulma let him fall to the floor. "Clean that...that...CRAP up, and do it fast! You sonofa—
"OOOOH GOOD MORNING BULMA DEAR!! DID YOU SLEEP WELL??"
Mrs.Briefs bounded into the room in a flourish of cherry petals, carrying a broom in one hand and a frying pan in another. Her mere presence set Freiza 'a smiling.
"Who would this young man be?" she cried in her overly happy manner.
"Umm...this is Freiza. He's going to be...err, visiting us for a while."
She looked overjoyed, if you can imagine her looking any happier than she already does 99.9% of the time.
"OOH! How quaint!! It's always nice to see a new face around here! How do you know him, Bulma dear?"
"Ahh, he's an old....'friend'...of Vegetas."
"Ooh isn't that lovely!" she reached a hand out to Freiza who took it with gratitude and gave her a grin.
Obviously, Bulmas mother was used to the presence of strange alien beings. Why, she hardly blinked an eye when Bulma informed her she was sleeping with a vicious alien with a tail that had no other interest but to kill her friend and take over the world. She found it quite normal that her daughters best friends son's hero was a tall giant green man with a turban that liked to drive Toyotas, sniff crack, and eat small children on his spare time...no...wait....
"Why don't we take this young...man...into the kitchen and show him my infamous pancake supreme recipe hmm?"
Freizas face lit up with delight. "You'd do such a thing!?"
"OOH!" Mrs.Briefs put a hand to her cheek and laughed. "How polite you are! Yes of course! Come! Come!"
Together they vanished, leaving Bulma with Freizas recent steaming pile of dropping's.
Many miles away...in the deep recesses of a deep dark cave where slimy creepy things like to dwell, there came the faint distressed cry of...
"AUGH! Help! My Red Irish ass is slowly having the life squeezed out of it!"
Yes, Jace, third member of the Ginyu force, was stuck between two rock formations.
And it was not a pleasant thing to have happen to ones body, especially if that ones body is preened and pampered with the most expensive French creams and oils money can buy.
But the situation was quickly fixed when Recoome, aka 'Big and Dumb', came and yanked him from his hold and dumped him to the floor.
"The problem with you is you haven't mastered the 'ass shrinking' technique. You're really deprived."
Recoome made it sound as though it was a most hideous and inexcusable crime. Jace preferred to ignore pondering how Recoome, who was ten times the size of him, had somehow managed to cram the black spandex clad monstrosity that was his ass through the rocks and he couldn't. Well, he supposed, he was really fucked now. How degrading...
"Come on guys. Let's just get going with this, alright?" he whined, picking himself up off the floor. "Aren't we supposed to find this..." he paused to glance at a map, "Capsule house?"
Burter grunted. Recoome scratched his head. There was no reply from Captain Ginyu, who had switched places with a ballet bar and silenced himself forever, or Guldo, who had suffered a hernia of mass proportions and died a gruesome death a few miles back.
Yes, the remaining Ginyu force had intentions only a bit unlike Freizas. They were here solely to annoy, strike gay poses, do queer dances, and generally be lame and scare everything within a five block radius. The only drawback was, they were stuck in a cave.
"Hurry up!" Burter growled from the front, leading the way. "We've got to get out of here before the Vampire bats wake up!" he finished with a purposeful look at Jace.
Jace blinked. "Vampire bats? Aren't they those ugly little creatures that have a talent for getting stuck in peoples hair?"
Burter nodded. Recoome was currently staring at his hand as if he had never realised it had been there before. "They love hair. Especially big, pampered, clean and shiny hair."
Jace looked horrified. "They're....they're after MY hair!!!?"
Burter knew it would be enough for encouragement. Jace tore out of the cave, leaving a trail of dust in his wake.
The amazingly pretty man sighed, flipped his braid, as was customary, and watched Freiza as he 'bonded' with the housewife.
"How quaint this silver is, Bra!" Freiza said, as he was currently engaged in making an apple pie. "And this apron! It matches your eyes so well!"
Mrs.Briefs blushed and laughed once more. "I'm so glad you like it!"
Zarbon snorted in disgust. He really despised the new Freiza. These Funimation© freaks were really out to kill them all, weren't they? He wished Freiza would just go back to the usual brutal and incoherent freak he used to be. Anything would be better than this torture.
It was then that a knock sounded outside the door.
He turned and took a gander out the window, drawing back the curtains. Another painfully handsome and amazingly pretty face peered back at him.
The two's eyes locked. There was a moment of silence, before the knocking resumed, more quietly.
The amazingly pretty man hesitantly opened the door.
My god! Look at those legs! And that hair! He must use herbal essences...
Jace blinked at Zarbon.
God almighty! Just look at those leg warmers!! What fine muscle toning! And that hair!! He's just GOT to use pert plus...
"Ahem..."
"Err, hello."
"You've changed, Jace." The wind tousled the amazingly pretty mans hair, although there was no breeze.
"No." Jace said dramatically. "I haven't. But you have." He turned away, blinking rapidly.
Soap opera music began playing softly in the background. back, though."
"It won't matter. You love...HIM...don't you."
"He loves another. My heart is alone in this world."
Jace turned back to him, looking him up and down. "Enough of this treachery! I demand to know where you've been shopping!" he crossed his arms.
The amazingly pretty man's expression turned to one of definite un-pretty- ness. "I won't!"
Jace stepped forward. "You will!" he hissed.
"Who the hell are you!?"
Jace blinked and looked over the amazingly pretty mans shoulder.
"You've been staying with a blue hared anaemic earth weakling?"
"This is Bulma." The amazingly pretty man explained. "And this is her household. And this is where I will ask you; Who has been doing you hair, dearie?"
Jace bared his teeth. "You dare mock the beautiful tranquillity of my majestic hair?" he shook his head, and it bounced for emphasis.
Ye gods. What volume...
Bulma interrupted the battle of the conceited pretty men long enough to get her point across.
"You another weirdo Alien that wants to live in my house?" she sounded bored.
"Well...yes."
"I thought so. C'mon in...I won't question why you're here, it's obviously got something to do with torturing my husband. The bathrooms are that way, unless you're like Freiza here who likes proper etiquette and prefers to use my bedroom as his personal dumping grounds. There's a few rules, though. You can't eat anything that moves, unlike some people try to do from time to time around here."
Jace looked at the green cloaked thing hovering Indian style in the air that she was obviously indicating.
"And clean out the shower after you use it."
Jace looked back towards her. "Err, can I bring a friend? Or two?"
"Or three?" Bulma asked cautiously, looking like she was awaiting certain doom.
"No. Only two..."
"Thank god...."
"..."
"Go right ahead." She waved her hand. "But stay away from my husband. He's the one with the disturbing hair. I'm sure you're tried to kill him in your past life, so I shouldn't have to describe him in great detail."
She promptly walked away.
Recoome walked in behind Burter, gazing around in awe at the inside furnishings. "Woah! Some cool digs, man!"
"This place probably has it's own zip code!" Burter added with his own little flare, most assuredly trying to sound remotely impressive and failing miserably.
Apparently, the Ginyu force, although prized for their superhuman strength and ability to dance like no other, were treated shamelessly back in the days of Freizas empire. For simple and easy to assemble use, they had been crammed into pokeballs. Yes, you heard me. Pokeballs. They took up a lot of space. They weren't used to seeing 'nice' homes. Although, having a gay salamander in your home would hardly be rated as 'nice' in my books. But that's not important...any ways...
Burter rounded a corner, gave a lingering glance to the amazingly pretty man who looked quickly away, and spotted his old Lord.
"Freiza! Long time no see eh? How's it been hanging?"
"Short and shrivelled and always to the left." Came another voice.
Burter turned to see Vegeta descending the staircase, rubbing sleep from his eyes. Once at the bottom, he clenched his fists and screamed.
"FEE FI FO FUM! WHO THE HELL TOOK A SHIT IN MY ROOM!?"
(Well, no, actually, he didn't really say 'fee fi fo fum')
He couldn't say another word before Freiza glomped onto him.
"Petunia!!" he shrieked. Burter covered his ears. "I baked you a pie!"
Vegeta screamed and fought to tear Freizas death grip from his midriff. "I DON'T FRIGGIN' CARE!!"
He stopped in mid struggle. "Wait...did you mention food?"
Freizas eyes sparkled. Burter looked for a toilet. "Your favourite! Apple pie!"
Vegeta finally got him off and stalked over to the table. He snorted. "Fine. But only because I'm really damn hungry."
Freiza placed the pie in front of him and proceeded to sit in fascination to watch the muscles in Vegeta's jaws work as they ground the pie up.
"You're so perfect..." he cooed. "Even when you're eating."
"Even when I'm eating? What the hell else is perfect about me?" Vegeta asked, suddenly curious.
"He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake..." the amazingly pretty man was humming quietly. Freiza shot him a glare. He rolled his eyes skyward, looking angelic.
"Suddenly I'm not hungry anymore." Vegeta pushed the pie away, then turned to Freiza. "And you'd better not watch me when I'm sleeping, you punk ass mother fucker."
And he walked away, leaving Freiza to wonder if he'd just been horribly insulted, complimented, or threatened.
"Is he flirting with me?" he asked to nobody in particular.
Trunks wasn't far behind him, rubbing sleep from his eyes and wearing his favourite pyjamas. With a yawn he plopped down in his respective chair which was at the front of the table whenever his father wasn't present, and stretched.
"What's for breakfast?"
He noticed Freiza was watching him with a peculiar intentness. Trunks shifted uncomfortably and looked for his mother.
"Mama?"
Bulma walked over from the fridge. "Yes sweetie?"
Trunks motioned to whisper in her ear. "That scary dudes watchin' me, mom."
Bulma ruffled his hair. "Now don't you worry Trunks. He's only after your father's ass, not yours."
Trunks was rendered silent.
"Oh."
He buried his face in his cereal and tried to ignore the staring.
And no, Salamander dropping's are not a pleasant thing to wake up to in the morning.
"Good lord Vegeta!" she moaned, waving her hand in the air. "What the hell is that smell?"
Vegeta didn't say anything. Perhaps it was because he was sleeping, or perhaps it was because he chose to ignore her for even insinuating that he had cut the cheese. Besides, Sayajin farts were much more smelly than anything imaginable. Bulma learned this after she had made him a dinner that consisted of cabbage, beans, and a whole lot of mandrin oranges for dessert. See if she ever did anything stupid like that again.
She couldn't say another word before a motion in the corner of her eye caught her attention.
"YOU!" she pointed to Freiza, who had been sneaking up on the sleeping Sayajin.
"I do have a name." He pouted, sounding hurt.
She lunged for him when he started to pull the covers from Vegetas body.
"Not so fast!!" she grabbed him by the throat and he gurgled.
"Wait! Stop! Desist! I was only—
"Shut up!" she snarled into his face. "Now would you kindly explain...THIS!!?"
She pointed to a pile of shit in the corner.
(Dramatic chord)
"Yes, I can explain that. Those would be my dropping's."
Bulma let him fall to the floor. "Clean that...that...CRAP up, and do it fast! You sonofa—
"OOOOH GOOD MORNING BULMA DEAR!! DID YOU SLEEP WELL??"
Mrs.Briefs bounded into the room in a flourish of cherry petals, carrying a broom in one hand and a frying pan in another. Her mere presence set Freiza 'a smiling.
"Who would this young man be?" she cried in her overly happy manner.
"Umm...this is Freiza. He's going to be...err, visiting us for a while."
She looked overjoyed, if you can imagine her looking any happier than she already does 99.9% of the time.
"OOH! How quaint!! It's always nice to see a new face around here! How do you know him, Bulma dear?"
"Ahh, he's an old....'friend'...of Vegetas."
"Ooh isn't that lovely!" she reached a hand out to Freiza who took it with gratitude and gave her a grin.
Obviously, Bulmas mother was used to the presence of strange alien beings. Why, she hardly blinked an eye when Bulma informed her she was sleeping with a vicious alien with a tail that had no other interest but to kill her friend and take over the world. She found it quite normal that her daughters best friends son's hero was a tall giant green man with a turban that liked to drive Toyotas, sniff crack, and eat small children on his spare time...no...wait....
"Why don't we take this young...man...into the kitchen and show him my infamous pancake supreme recipe hmm?"
Freizas face lit up with delight. "You'd do such a thing!?"
"OOH!" Mrs.Briefs put a hand to her cheek and laughed. "How polite you are! Yes of course! Come! Come!"
Together they vanished, leaving Bulma with Freizas recent steaming pile of dropping's.
Many miles away...in the deep recesses of a deep dark cave where slimy creepy things like to dwell, there came the faint distressed cry of...
"AUGH! Help! My Red Irish ass is slowly having the life squeezed out of it!"
Yes, Jace, third member of the Ginyu force, was stuck between two rock formations.
And it was not a pleasant thing to have happen to ones body, especially if that ones body is preened and pampered with the most expensive French creams and oils money can buy.
But the situation was quickly fixed when Recoome, aka 'Big and Dumb', came and yanked him from his hold and dumped him to the floor.
"The problem with you is you haven't mastered the 'ass shrinking' technique. You're really deprived."
Recoome made it sound as though it was a most hideous and inexcusable crime. Jace preferred to ignore pondering how Recoome, who was ten times the size of him, had somehow managed to cram the black spandex clad monstrosity that was his ass through the rocks and he couldn't. Well, he supposed, he was really fucked now. How degrading...
"Come on guys. Let's just get going with this, alright?" he whined, picking himself up off the floor. "Aren't we supposed to find this..." he paused to glance at a map, "Capsule house?"
Burter grunted. Recoome scratched his head. There was no reply from Captain Ginyu, who had switched places with a ballet bar and silenced himself forever, or Guldo, who had suffered a hernia of mass proportions and died a gruesome death a few miles back.
Yes, the remaining Ginyu force had intentions only a bit unlike Freizas. They were here solely to annoy, strike gay poses, do queer dances, and generally be lame and scare everything within a five block radius. The only drawback was, they were stuck in a cave.
"Hurry up!" Burter growled from the front, leading the way. "We've got to get out of here before the Vampire bats wake up!" he finished with a purposeful look at Jace.
Jace blinked. "Vampire bats? Aren't they those ugly little creatures that have a talent for getting stuck in peoples hair?"
Burter nodded. Recoome was currently staring at his hand as if he had never realised it had been there before. "They love hair. Especially big, pampered, clean and shiny hair."
Jace looked horrified. "They're....they're after MY hair!!!?"
Burter knew it would be enough for encouragement. Jace tore out of the cave, leaving a trail of dust in his wake.
The amazingly pretty man sighed, flipped his braid, as was customary, and watched Freiza as he 'bonded' with the housewife.
"How quaint this silver is, Bra!" Freiza said, as he was currently engaged in making an apple pie. "And this apron! It matches your eyes so well!"
Mrs.Briefs blushed and laughed once more. "I'm so glad you like it!"
Zarbon snorted in disgust. He really despised the new Freiza. These Funimation© freaks were really out to kill them all, weren't they? He wished Freiza would just go back to the usual brutal and incoherent freak he used to be. Anything would be better than this torture.
It was then that a knock sounded outside the door.
He turned and took a gander out the window, drawing back the curtains. Another painfully handsome and amazingly pretty face peered back at him.
The two's eyes locked. There was a moment of silence, before the knocking resumed, more quietly.
The amazingly pretty man hesitantly opened the door.
My god! Look at those legs! And that hair! He must use herbal essences...
Jace blinked at Zarbon.
God almighty! Just look at those leg warmers!! What fine muscle toning! And that hair!! He's just GOT to use pert plus...
"Ahem..."
"Err, hello."
"You've changed, Jace." The wind tousled the amazingly pretty mans hair, although there was no breeze.
"No." Jace said dramatically. "I haven't. But you have." He turned away, blinking rapidly.
Soap opera music began playing softly in the background. back, though."
"It won't matter. You love...HIM...don't you."
"He loves another. My heart is alone in this world."
Jace turned back to him, looking him up and down. "Enough of this treachery! I demand to know where you've been shopping!" he crossed his arms.
The amazingly pretty man's expression turned to one of definite un-pretty- ness. "I won't!"
Jace stepped forward. "You will!" he hissed.
"Who the hell are you!?"
Jace blinked and looked over the amazingly pretty mans shoulder.
"You've been staying with a blue hared anaemic earth weakling?"
"This is Bulma." The amazingly pretty man explained. "And this is her household. And this is where I will ask you; Who has been doing you hair, dearie?"
Jace bared his teeth. "You dare mock the beautiful tranquillity of my majestic hair?" he shook his head, and it bounced for emphasis.
Ye gods. What volume...
Bulma interrupted the battle of the conceited pretty men long enough to get her point across.
"You another weirdo Alien that wants to live in my house?" she sounded bored.
"Well...yes."
"I thought so. C'mon in...I won't question why you're here, it's obviously got something to do with torturing my husband. The bathrooms are that way, unless you're like Freiza here who likes proper etiquette and prefers to use my bedroom as his personal dumping grounds. There's a few rules, though. You can't eat anything that moves, unlike some people try to do from time to time around here."
Jace looked at the green cloaked thing hovering Indian style in the air that she was obviously indicating.
"And clean out the shower after you use it."
Jace looked back towards her. "Err, can I bring a friend? Or two?"
"Or three?" Bulma asked cautiously, looking like she was awaiting certain doom.
"No. Only two..."
"Thank god...."
"..."
"Go right ahead." She waved her hand. "But stay away from my husband. He's the one with the disturbing hair. I'm sure you're tried to kill him in your past life, so I shouldn't have to describe him in great detail."
She promptly walked away.
Recoome walked in behind Burter, gazing around in awe at the inside furnishings. "Woah! Some cool digs, man!"
"This place probably has it's own zip code!" Burter added with his own little flare, most assuredly trying to sound remotely impressive and failing miserably.
Apparently, the Ginyu force, although prized for their superhuman strength and ability to dance like no other, were treated shamelessly back in the days of Freizas empire. For simple and easy to assemble use, they had been crammed into pokeballs. Yes, you heard me. Pokeballs. They took up a lot of space. They weren't used to seeing 'nice' homes. Although, having a gay salamander in your home would hardly be rated as 'nice' in my books. But that's not important...any ways...
Burter rounded a corner, gave a lingering glance to the amazingly pretty man who looked quickly away, and spotted his old Lord.
"Freiza! Long time no see eh? How's it been hanging?"
"Short and shrivelled and always to the left." Came another voice.
Burter turned to see Vegeta descending the staircase, rubbing sleep from his eyes. Once at the bottom, he clenched his fists and screamed.
"FEE FI FO FUM! WHO THE HELL TOOK A SHIT IN MY ROOM!?"
(Well, no, actually, he didn't really say 'fee fi fo fum')
He couldn't say another word before Freiza glomped onto him.
"Petunia!!" he shrieked. Burter covered his ears. "I baked you a pie!"
Vegeta screamed and fought to tear Freizas death grip from his midriff. "I DON'T FRIGGIN' CARE!!"
He stopped in mid struggle. "Wait...did you mention food?"
Freizas eyes sparkled. Burter looked for a toilet. "Your favourite! Apple pie!"
Vegeta finally got him off and stalked over to the table. He snorted. "Fine. But only because I'm really damn hungry."
Freiza placed the pie in front of him and proceeded to sit in fascination to watch the muscles in Vegeta's jaws work as they ground the pie up.
"You're so perfect..." he cooed. "Even when you're eating."
"Even when I'm eating? What the hell else is perfect about me?" Vegeta asked, suddenly curious.
"He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake..." the amazingly pretty man was humming quietly. Freiza shot him a glare. He rolled his eyes skyward, looking angelic.
"Suddenly I'm not hungry anymore." Vegeta pushed the pie away, then turned to Freiza. "And you'd better not watch me when I'm sleeping, you punk ass mother fucker."
And he walked away, leaving Freiza to wonder if he'd just been horribly insulted, complimented, or threatened.
"Is he flirting with me?" he asked to nobody in particular.
Trunks wasn't far behind him, rubbing sleep from his eyes and wearing his favourite pyjamas. With a yawn he plopped down in his respective chair which was at the front of the table whenever his father wasn't present, and stretched.
"What's for breakfast?"
He noticed Freiza was watching him with a peculiar intentness. Trunks shifted uncomfortably and looked for his mother.
"Mama?"
Bulma walked over from the fridge. "Yes sweetie?"
Trunks motioned to whisper in her ear. "That scary dudes watchin' me, mom."
Bulma ruffled his hair. "Now don't you worry Trunks. He's only after your father's ass, not yours."
Trunks was rendered silent.
"Oh."
He buried his face in his cereal and tried to ignore the staring.