Five for Fighting
Rated: PG-13
Disclaimer: I still don't own anything (with the exception of Amber, of course)
T.W.E.N.T.Y. F.O.U.R.
I wish I could tell you that after that first kiss we lived happily ever after, that I changed back into my old self and the whole gang forgave me for my actions, but unfortunately things rarely end in happily ever after.
Dallas pulled away first, abruptly, like he'd just realized he was kissing a scalding stove and he'd been badly burned.
He didn't say anything, just kept looking down, pacing and then grabbed my arms roughly in his hands and staring at me real hard, before pushing me away again.
He did this three times while I just stood there in a daze and watched him, unsure of what was going on.
The cold was starting to seep in through his jacket but I was stuck, transfixed watching his mental battle.
I knew he didn't want to like me, I knew it without needing to be told. But his kiss made me go weak in the knees and nothing felt more perfect than his arms wrapped around me, and I could tell by the strength of his embrace that he did care.
He had moved to the edge of the lot now, and was staring out across the grass, arms folded, making no move to shield himself from the torrential downpour that was drenching us both.
My tears had finally slowed, but I couldn't stop them completely.
"How'd you know where I was?" I asked timidly, wishing he would just turn around and look at me.
He didn't answer me, but he didn't have to, I could hear the distinctive sound of our run-down truck ratting down the street full speed.
Before I knew it I was surrounded by my brothers, I didn't have to be told that I was in deep shit either, their looks said it all.
"Amber!" Ponyboy yelled, "don't ever do that to me again, I was so worried!" that was all he said before he pulled me into a hug and then promptly lit a cigarette.
I was trembling now, half from the cold and half from the look on Darry's face.
I didn't know how they found out about the beer blast, Ponyboy didn't tell me until later, but they knew and I thanked god that night for Soda and Ponyboys protection as they walked one on either side of me up to the house while Darry's yells reverberated off the nearby houses and woke the neighbors.
Dallas had passed unnoticed, alone and quiet at the edge of the lot.
Before I was led up to the house and into the bathroom to take a hot shower, I took off his jacket and laid it across the hood of his car.
The headlights were still beaming strong and because of them I could make out his silhouette in the moonlight.
My tears continued to fall as I fingered the material of the sleeve and gave him one last lingering look before entering the house.
He never turned around.
I never wanted to leave the safety of the bathroom, I had entered it in a daze only knowing vaguely that the worst of the yelling was yet to come and even worse, that Dallas was still standing in that lot, his jacket on the hood of his car, and that this was not the way it was supposed to be.
I let the hot water wash over me but I couldn't get warm, I had a cold feeling of finality that wouldn't let go, and eventually Darry yelled through the door to get out before we ran out of hot water.
I toweled off slowly, could hear that the whole gang was there now, with the exception of Dallas, and did not hurry to change into the cozy pajamas that Pony had brought into the bathroom for me.
I stared at myself in the bathroom mirror naked for a minute, scrutinizing every flaw, every blemish to tally up the imperfections that would make Dallas doubt his feelings for me. Tried to understand how these imperfections could lead me to the position I was in now, angry brothers waiting right outside the door.
I sighed, and slipped on the sweatpants and long sleeve Track shirt, they were both Pony's and smelled like our soap. They brought me a strange sense of comfort and only because of this did I finally open the bathroom door to release the built up steam from my shower, and step into the living room.
All eyes fell on me and I was painfully aware that they too were all soaked to the skin.
"Why are y'all wet?" I asked, praying I didn't already know the answer.
"Because, when you pulled your little stunt kiddo, the whole gang went out to try and find you…how could you be so stupid Amber? What has gotten into you?" Darry asked in a sharp voice.
"I…"
"You what? Thought it would be ok to start dressing like a tramp and run around with boys like Curly Shepard, tell lies and get drunk? Is that right Amber?" He yelled.
"I didn't…"
"You're better than that, Amber, this whole family, our whole gang is better than that, what on earth could have possessed you to disregard our reputation. A night with Curly Shepard?"
"I don't like…"
"What do you think we'd do if you got pregnant, we can barely afford what we have now, do you have any idea what so ever the sacrifices made so we could all be together, don't you remember what the judge said when we finally gained custody of you, are you so willing to just throw that away?"
"Darry you won't let me explain!" I protested.
"Well go ahead and explain it to us Amber, please!" He yelled exasperated, "We'd all love to hear why we were all out in the rain looking for you while you had your fun supporting your new love interest as he busted up a party on the river bottom."
I looked around the room, Ponyboy was casting me sympathetic looks, like he almost felt sorry for me, or at least like he understood the pain that came with Darrys' hollering.
Two-Bit looked hurt, and wet and in need of explanation, not so much as to why he had gone out in the rain, he wore his concern for my safety on his sleeve, but for my abrupt change in personality.
Steve had a faint sneer on his face, and I knew if I hadn't been Soda's kid sister he wouldn't have given a hang if I had been beaten to a pulp by a soc that night. Whatever I said that night, he would only use against me.
Johnny's look wrenched my soul and I truly felt sorry for everything I had done, it wasn't an angry look, or even annoyed. It was pure and utter helpless love and it hurt me to know that he ached for me.
Soda couldn't even look at me and I knew I'd hurt him, I could only hope he would forgive me.
Darry hadn't let his cold glare leave my direction for even a second, I doubted he even blinked in the minute that it took me to gather up my strength and control my desire to burst into tears, create a scene, yell that they just didn't understand or do something equally as bratty.
I looked at all of their expectant faces and screwed up my courage, "I wanted to be like y'all, a greaser…I wanted to make Dallas Winston love me," I thought back to his turned back in the lot, his refusal to look at me, his ignoring me so he could control his own emotions, and save himself, "But I know that's not possible now. I'm really sorry, I don't like the person I became, and I don't want to be that person anymore. I never did anything with Curly Shepard but go to the Dingo once or twice with him and his friends, and really, they scare me. I don't want to be a greaser, I just want to be me." I said, as plainly as possible.
I offered them a nervous half smile and tried to judge their faces.
Two-Bit spoke first and broke the tension that had mounted when I uttered the words Dallas Winston and Love in the same sentence.
"So, enough of this new rebel with an attitude?" He asked.
"She's gone," I promised and smiled a real genuine smile at Two-Bit who stepped across the room and hugged me against his cold chest, "Good to have you back Amber."
The rest of the gang followed suite, even Steve. I paused by Johnny, sinking down to my knees and then threw my arms around him as he sat, tall as always, in his wheelchair.
Only I knew that he didn't really need it anymore, that soon he would hopefully be rid of it forever.
I finally released him and kissed him on the cheek gently, "I'm sorry," I whispered brushing my finger down the bruise that ran the length of his left cheek. He didn't have to tell me that it was his mother's doing, it didn't take a genius to figure it out.
He reached up and took hold of my face, cupping it in his two hands and kissed me on the forehead.
I was trembling.
Darry came over and placed a hand on my shoulder, "I think you better get to bed"
I nodded shakily, and stood up.
Soda came over and wrapped his arms around me and then picked me up and carried me into my room, I guess he just knew I needed the protecting then.
"Soda?" I called from my place on the bed where he had laid me down.
"Yes hun?" He asked from the door
"Can you get Ponyboy and the two of you can sleep in my bed again?"
He gave me a doubtful look, but I patted the empty mattress beside me and gave him a pleading look and he gave in, calling to Ponyboy before crawling in next to me.
It was only having them curled around me that kept my silent tears from turning into heart racking sobs.
When I woke up the next morning Soda had already woken up and left for work, he was working a lot of weekends lately trying to make enough money to help Darry pay the bills.
Ponyboy was still splayed across the bed, one arm thrown over me, the other dangling over the floor.
Memories from the night before flooded my mind and I cringed, willing myself not to cry.
Against my will though the tears began to flow and I inched closer to Pony til I was curled up in a ball next to him and could hear the beating of his heart.
Waking up from the sound of my sniffles and the shudder of my body with each racking sob he turned over and looked at me, drawing me closer still and circling his arms around me, "What's wrong Amber?"
I just shook my head as I cried harder than I've ever cried before.
He just held me, muttering soothing words, he didn't need to be told what was wrong after the events of last night but I knew I had to say it outloud, had to get it off my chest, and get over it.
"Dallas found me last night," I mumbled once I finally quieted my tears and regulated my breathing.
"I know," He said trying to untangle my hair with his fingers in order to get it out of my face.
"How did you guys know?" I asked
"Johnny called us, said you were upset and that he thought you were going to do something stupid…we told him you were just going out with Cherry, but when she showed up on our doorstep looking for you and had no clue of any idea about the movies, well we put two and two together, and knew you were actually going to do something stupid, we just didn't know what. Dallas had heard about the beer blast from Tim, was planning to stop by anyway and was only at the house to try and convince Two-Bit to go with him. He offered to look for you there while the rest of us checked around town." He explained, "I still can't believe you did that."
"I'm sorry," I whispered
"Just promise me, no more of that Amber, go back to who you were, we all loved you that way, I felt like I didn't even know you these past two weeks."
"I promise Pony, I really promise," I said.
"Now, tell me what happened with Dallas,"
I didn't question how he had known something happened, I figured my face had given it away.
"He saved me from some Soc who hit me," I started.
"I was wondering what had happened, you have a tough looking bruise there," He said gently tracing my cheekbone.
"I do?" I asked, I had forgotten the pain of the initial blow and hadn't thought much more of it after my encounter with Dallas.
I guess it had appeared during the night, even Pony's gentle fingers made it ache.
"So what happened after that?" He asked.
I thought back, closing my eyes tight, "He drove me to the lot, and called me selfish and said a lot of mean and awful things, some of which were true, because I was being selfish. I got angry, I got out of the car and I yelled at him, he didn't know how I felt and what I was going through. He yelled back and before I knew it, oh Pony," I said burying my face in my hands.
"What?" He asked, prying my hands away from my face
"I told him I loved him, he just looked at me Pony, for so long, and it was so cold and so wet and then something clicked and…"
"And?" He pressed.
"He kissed me," I whispered.
Something in Ponyboy changed then, I can't quite put my finger on it, something in his eyes, it looked like hate and anger mixed into a tight little ball.
It passed quickly, but it still scared me.
"But you're right Pony, you're right, he can't love because he walked away from me and he never looked back Pony."
"I'm sorry Amber, I didn't want to be right," He said soothingly.
I stifled my tears and bit on my lip to keep it from trembling, "It's ok, it'll be ok," I said.
"Yeah," he said with a smile, "it will"
After that first morning after the 'incident' as I began to call it, I tried to put it all behind me and instead I concentrated on helping Johnny, getting my grades back up, and restoring my friendship with those around me. Anything to return to my old self and to forget about Dallas Winston.
He was keeping his distance pretty good at this point, nobody mentioned him for my benefit but I knew they all missed him and I felt guilty once again for continuing to create waves in my brothers' lives.
Johnny asked me out on the day of our last session together after school. He had walked straight across the room unaided and planted a kiss on my lips that felt like the flutter of butterfly wings, real soft.
I could tell it had taken all of his courage and I was so flustered myself that when he asked me to go to the movies I automatically said yes.
It was the best decision I had made, my mind was off of Dallas when I was with him and it was an automatic ticket back into the hearts of the gang.
They'd been pulling for Johnny all along after all.
And Johnny took care of me, he really cared and after shocking the gang into total and utter silence by walking in the door - with me in his arms - we began to double date with Ponyboy and this girl Patty from school, who unbeknownst to me, Pony had had a crush on for some time.
Dallas had started to come around again, but we never spoke a word beyond polite conversation while he waited for the bathroom after waking up on our couch, or while he waited for one of my brothers.
I still felt guilty though, for a number of reasons; Dallas was Johnny's hero, and now they were at odds, speaking only strained words. It was Dallas' fault of course, and I hated him for it.
But I felt a deeper guilt, one that I couldn't displace by hating Dallas, and that was the fact that I knew I still loved him. I was leading Johnny on and it ate at me more and more everyday.
But when I was in his arms, lying on our couch or stretched out on the grass by the lot, when he brought me flowers and let his adoring eyes fall on me, peering out from under his shaggy brown hair, I could forget about Dallas then.
But I knew, I did not want to forget about Dallas, and for that I suffered.
Johnny loved me though, and he told me so one night while we were out eating alone.
I stared at him a long time, across the red checked tablecloth, over the vase of flowers and the breadbasket.
I stared.
And with all of my will and effort I spoke the words back to him, determined to have it be so.