"Do come in Severus, I've been waiting for you."
Well, that was certainly unexpected. Minerva McGonagall arched one eyebrow, and turned toward Severus. He scowled ferociously, as if to say 'don't-ask-me', and smoothed out his collar. He was wearing all black, of course, a turtleneck over slacks. It was a great outfit, but not for the blazing English summer. Muggle clothes were really not his forte. Minerva, in her tartan sundress, opens the door.
Meanwhile, Harry Potter had not moved. He still sat with his feet up on the Dursely's kitchen table, drinking tequila from a brandy snifter, and wondering idly what his next move is. After a seemingly ludicrous amount of time, the door swung open.
Harry took another sip, stood up and strolled into the foyer to greet them. He had taken a few minutes to practice his walk, before he started drinking. It wouldn't do for the hero of the wizarding world to stumble on the way to prison. No, he had to strut. And strut he did, with the sort of precarious balance of the year-old child or overwhelmingly drunk.
"Minnie!" Harry gasped, in faux-shock, "You came to? Enchanted my dear lady, enchanted." Harry giggled, a surprisingly high-pitched sound. Enchanted by a witch? He was the very pinnacle of humour! He dropped into a very Lockhart-esque bow.
Severus snorted. "Enchanted? Drunks more like. Disgusting boy."
Harry smiled as big and wide as he possible could. "Greasy git," he said agreeably. Severus hand strayed toward his wand, but Minerva's voice overrode them.
"Mr. Potter, we have been sent by Professor Dumbledore to remove you from the custody of the abusive muggles," she said formally. She gave him a cursory look over, lingering for a second on his distorted nose. "You are also accused of using six unlocking charms, three healing charms, a beard-be-gone spell," she looked up over the top of the parchment she was now reading from. Harry ran his hand along his now smooth jaw line. "And no less than four inanimate transfigurations. You are to cease performing magic at once, and surrender your wand to-"
Harry cut her off, "Yeah, yeah, Min. Whatever you say. It's just that, well, can we leave now?" Severus raised a single eyebrow and pursed his lips in a perfect mockery of polite inquiry. "I don't think the muggles will be to glad to see me standing here talk to two wizardsh," Harry finished the glass, and seemed to notice their clothes for the first time, "not that you look like wizar- Sheverus, you look utterly deeeevine!" Harry reached out and clapped him on the shoulder.
At least, that was the plan. Severus, after years as a Death Eater, could hardly control his reflexes. He seized Harry's wrist mid-flight and turned. Usually, this action brought a person close enough for him to either strike or intimidate. Usually however, the person wasn't drunk. It sent Harry sprawling.
"Where are your belongings, Mr. Potter?" Minerva said. Harry stood up, pointed vaguely, and mumbled something. "What was that?" Minerva repeated.
"I said my shit is locked away the sodding broom cupboard!" Harry barked morosely. Then he began to laugh again. Broom cupboard! He tried to picture Aunt Petunia flying on a broom. No doubt she'd find a way to fly sidesaddle. His laughter redoubled. "I would have fetched it already, but, well, you know magic and school and all that."
Minerva resisted the urge to roll her eyes. She had broken herself of the childhood habit, but this boy could bring it out of anyone. She went into the next room, and began looking around for a broom closet.
Severus wore a puzzled and unpleasant expression. His mind was working as fast as Harry assumed his was. Why would the boy's family lock his things away in a broom cupboard? They were supposed to revere him. Who didn't want a wizard in the family, after all, especially the famous Harry Potter? Look at his shirt. Satin in this neighbourhood? He was obviously favoured. Severus wondered again if this whole trip wasn't pointless. He tried to convince himself it was, but the boy's nose, so freshly broken, insisted otherwise. Well, one way to find out. "Potter," he said softly, "Why are your belongings lock away in a broom cupboard?"
Harry's smile widened, but his eyes darkened. "Oh Sheverus, didn't anybody tell you?" He beckoned the old man closer, then said in a stage whisper, "It's because I'm eeeeeevil!" Severus snorted, and Harry bent his knees and took him by the shoulders, "eeeeeevil!" Harry repeated looking up in his eyes. "An eeeeeevil unnatural freak of a wishard! I killed Shedric and Shirius, and I'd kill them to if only I had my. My. My 'infernal devilish toys'! 'Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live', Sheverus." Harry collapsed to the floor now, and was rocking back and forth crying.
Severus awkwardly patted him on the head twice. "There there," he said. Comfort was definitely not his thing. Where was Minerva? What was keeping her?
Harry was on his feet again, smiling bitterly. "There'sh a good reashon you're not head of Hufflepuff, Sheverus. You people shkills leave a shertain something to be desired."
When in doubt, be angry. It had always served Severus before. "Boy, if you call me Severus again, I'll deliver you to the Headmaster in a matchbox. You will refer to me as Professor Snape, Master Snape, or Sir. Do you understand, boy?"
Harry was still smiling weakly. "Boy. That's what the mugglesh call me. For along time I asshumed it was to remind me I washn't a girl. Now, I think, it is sho you don't have to admit I'm a man." Severus paled. Harry continued, "They hate me, Sheverus. That's why the swear at me, and beat me, and lock me in my room, and make me wear these rags," at this, he grabbed a hold of the front of his shirt, twisted his face in confusion, and looked down.
"I look nice, Sheve-" Harry said incredulously. Realization seemed to dawn, and a silly grin spilt his face. "Sheverus, did you dress me?"
If Severus had been drinking he would have done a spit take. As it was, he made an odd strangling sound. He was torn between laughter and horror. Potter actually asked if he, Severus Snape, had dressed him. With a straight face! Well, with a goofy grin. But seriously.
He was saved the trouble of having to come up with a response by Minerva's sudden arrival. She was levitating Harry's rather small trunk in front of her, and carrying Harry's wand in her other hand. She set down the trunk, and held a business card out to Harry.
"Wossat?" He asked.
"A portkey. You say the keyword, and it will transport you to the Great Hall at Hogwarts. From there, we will be taking you to the hospital wing," Minerva said. Harry took the card. 'Sherbet Lemon' was printed on it. "We only have two, so I'll go first, with the trunk, and Severus, you and Harry can follow. Balderdash!" With a pop of displaced air she was gone.
After a long, awkward silence, Severus said, "Well?"
"Well what?" Harry said. Severus sighed, and snatched the card from his hand.
"Sherbet Lemon," He said, taking a hold of Harry shoulder. After a sharp, fishhook like tug and brief feeling of falling they arrived in the Great Hall at Hogwarts. Severus, who had been expecting Harry to reel drunkenly, had taken him by both shoulders, and now looked him directly in the eyes.
"Kill the spare," Harry muttered quietly, and looked away. Severus quickly let go, and stepped back.
"What did you say?" he hissed. Harry turned his head and took in the sight of the Hall over the summer. All of the tables were gone, as were the chairs, and the enchanted ceiling was a uniform dark gray, much like the sky above. No candles were anywhere to be seen, but a cold, dawn-like light illuminated the room. Very morose, Harry thought.
"I said I feel pretty Sheverus. Don't you feel pretty?" Harry asked and, much to Severus' horror, took the older man by the arms and began to twirl in some twisted facsimile of ballroom dance. "I feel pretty! Oh, sho pretty! I feel pretty and witty and gay!"
Severus, mortified, shoved the boy down to ground. Realizing what he had just done, he grabbed Harry and dragged him back up to his feet. "Stop that infernal singing, boy, we've got to get you to the hospital wing." By the time they reached the end of the room, Harry had managed to shrug him off. Severus was quite glad to let go.
They walked in hostile silence down the empty halls and long corridors that were Hogwarts in the summertime. Harry wondered why he never thought the thoughts he was thinking before. He wondered why he'd never come to Hogwarts during the summer before. He wondered what Snape was thinking, and why Mad-Eye Moody was hiding under an invisibility cloak, and if he should drink more often, and whether he would be punished. He, gladly, did not think about Sirius at all. Harry giggled, as an idea came to him.
"CONSHTANT VIGILANSHE!" He bellowed, and then collapsed in a fit of laughter. Severus jumped nearly a foot, and began to swear. Moody, however, did not move. "Come on out," Harry said, pulling himself up and looking directly at him, "We can see you." Moody shifted under the cloak, but didn't come out.
"Come along boy," Severus said. "Your drunk."
Moody ducked back into the secret passageway, took off the cloak, and set out for the Headmasters office.