Severus Snape wandered the confines of his office for long moments following Olivia's retreat. He had disposed of the abortifacient potion and returned the unneeded ingredients to his pantry. Now, with the housekeeping chores complete, Snape found himself at loose ends, his under- developed conscious plaguing him without mercy. Hadn't he, just minutes prior to her arrival, been wishing to undo the harm he had brought upon Olivia by failing to restrain his temper?
And his vile tongue?
What was it about the woman that unfurled his anger? The normally agile mind beneath the shoulder length black hair struggled with the question. Why had he lashed out at Olivia so? Had she not been honest with him concerning her present condition?
Her present condition!
Gods! Severus groaned, swiping his hands roughly down his cheeks. A child. His child. In his heart - and he did actually possess such an organ - Snape knew that the child was his and his alone. The Potions Master had been speaking the truth to Malfoy that evening in the garden when he had informed the rose-pricked Lucius of Olivia's decorum. She was not one to play loose with her favors. So why had he attacked Olivia, Snape demanded of himself.
Never had he faced such a quandary in all his dark life.
His dark life.
Professor Snape had never been one who settled easily into personal
exchanges, so it was fair to say that emotional attachments and all their
accompanying baggage were as unfamiliar and disquieting to him as attempting
to breathe underwater.
Severus Snape's parents, while loving and considerate of him, were
not ones for verbal or physical displays of emotion. A tiny smile
in place of lavish praise over some childhood success, a quiet tut-tutting
and a pat rather than a comforting cuddle when he had fallen and wounded
himself; these were Snape's models of appropriate demonstrations
of affection. Right now, Snape found his education sadly lacking.
There were no precedents in Severus Snape's history to guide him. Even as a youth he had been a loner, unable to invite himself into the various peer circles that were forming around him. His evenings had been spent with his face in a book or bent over a piece of parchment, while his attention was focused on the antics of those less socially challenged than he. For a few years he had observed the students who were able to forge friendships or simple associations, hoping to pick up on some skill or particular word usage that would unlock the door to acceptance. He had made tentative forays from his usual spot in the common room to stand unnoticed on the fringe of one group or another, only to slink once more to his corner when no welcome was offered. After a while, he had simply stopped trying.
Snape became accustomed to solitude. In his aloneness, the young Severus cultivated his knowledge of the arcane magics, the classics of literature, music and art. He wrapped himself in his studies and over time, convinced himself that was content.
It was in his fourth year at Hogwarts that his solitude had been turned into a weapon. Snape's house mates suddenly recognized the loner in their den and fell upon him without mercy. Snape was tormented for his appearance, his lack of associates, his study habits; his every move was met with derision and scorn. The members of the other houses scented the blood in the water and swiftly joined the fray.
Yet Severus Snape was not one to lay down and die for anyone's pleasure. His years of reading had filled his brain with an extensive vocabulary and Severus discovered a previously unknown talent lying dormant in his soul; the ability to construct a phrase so precise in its formulation, so perfect in its delivery, so exact in its selection of target, that his tormentors fell before him in waves. The years spent in observing others had enabled Severus to quickly spot the chinks in any piece of personal, emotional armor and he learned to thrust the verbal knives in deeply and without remorse.
After a while, Snape's tormentors let him be, except for a few of the more determined, or incurably dense ones, namely Potter et al.
Snape had never felt the need to explain himself or his actions. He had but to bark a command and students leaped to obey. He would point his wand, direct his will and a deed was accomplished. Now, he was faced with a situation where the usual orders and wand waving were doomed to fall short of the goal.
And it unnerved him. The skills he had perfected over the years were of absolutely no help when it came to matters of the heart.
Could he now change a lifetime of learned responses? Was he capable of altering behaviors so deeply ingrained in his personality that they were the stuff of legend? Would Olivia understand and more importantly, would she be willing to instruct him as he re-educated himself under her gentle tutelage?
His purpose fixed, Snape moved to the desk and sat rigid in the leather confines of his chair. Tapping a slender index finger upon compressed lips, the wizard deliberated his next move. He knew that he must meet with Olivia, attempt to explain his actions, his words. To go to Olivia's chambers uninvited, beard the lion in her den and risk rejection, was not an option. He would have to proceed cautiously, the flag requesting parley in full view. He needed Olivia co-operative and willing to listen.
Pulling the dragon-hide day planner towards him, Snape opened the binder and quickly located the appropriate date. After dipping the enchanted quill, Snape began to write.
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Upon reaching her chambers, Olivia found Sirius curled in a snoring pile outside the warded door. She gave the sleeping dog a not-so-gentle nudge with her booted foot.
"Sirius," She hissed in tired frustration. "What are you doing here?"
The animagus rose to his paws and continued shifting until Sirius Black stood, sleepy eyed and tousled before her.
"I couldn't find you." He answered with a yawn. "I figured I might as well have a lie-down and wait for you to put in an appearance." Black belatedly noticed Olivia's red, swollen eyes. "You ok, love?" He asked in concern.
"No, not really. I just want to fall unconscious into bed and let this incredibly crappy day come to an end." So saying, Olivia released the wards on the chamber door and stepped inside. She didn't even have the strength to complain fully when Sirius followed her.
"How's about I fix us both a cup of tea and then you can tell Ol' Uncle Sirius all about it?" Black arched a brow and flashed her a crooked grin.
Olivia's stomach growled in response to Sirius's suggestion, remembering that she had not eaten for sometime. The idea of tea and cakes suddenly appeared heavenly.
"Could you scrounge up a bit of a snack while you are at it?" Olivia begged sweetly.
"S'my pleasure, milady!"
Olivia retreated to her bedchamber and removed her teaching robes. A bit of cold water on her face revived the witch somewhat and when she returned to the sitting room wearing the pale green dressing gown over her flannel, plaid pyjamas, Olivia was beginning to relax.
Sirius had cheated on the tea by summoning a house elf who was more than eager to provide the couple with a late night snack. The aroma of the beverage and the warm smell of fresh cakes caused Olivia's stomach to set up a fearful rumbling. She laughed at Sirius' quizzical glance.
"I'm suddenly starving!" Olivia advised while pouring for them both.
They ate in companionable silence. The few inquiries Sirius had tossed out concerning Olivia's day were met with monosyllable responses, thus discouraged he allowed the conversation to lapse.
The delicate ringing of a bell interrupted the quiet. Sirius jerked erect, his blue eyes darting around the room seeking the source of the sound.
"It's my day planner." Olivia advised him. "It has a ringer to let me know someone has left a message. A bit like an answering machine." Sirius' expression was bewildered. "Never mind. I'll be right back." Setting her cup on the side table, Olivia rose and walked across the floor to where her desk stood near a pair of tall windows. She quickly located the dragon-hide planner and opened the binding.
In the space for that day was written in a familiar scrawl:
Olivia?
Fighting back an angry gasp, Olivia regarded the writing for a moment.
Are you there?
She could almost feel Severus' frustration flowing from the page. With a frustrated huff of her own, Olivia sank into the chair and picked up her quill.
What do you want now? Olivia jabbed into the page.
*
A blob of ink appeared, as if she had shocked the Potions Master with
her curt question.
I would like to talk with you. If you are willing, that is.
I think you have done enough talking for one night. Olivia slashed in return.
Olivia~, I would like to explain myself to you. There are things I must tell you that do not translate well upon parchment. Please . The words had appeared slowly, almost as if Snape were reluctant to put the request on parchment.
I am tired. Olivia wrote with equal reluctance. Already he was breaching her defenses. All it had taken was that painfully lettered "Please."
I wish to apologize for my behavior. May I come to your chamber?
NO! Olivia scrawled hurriedly.
The page was silent, then:
You are not alone? She could almost feel Snape's pain and uncertainty as the words emerged on the page.
Sirius is here. We are having tea. "Make of that what you will." Olivia muttered as she waited for his answer.
And she continued to wait.
When it became apparent Severus would write no more, Olivia made
to close the book then hesitated. Shyly, she lay her left hand upon
the page and with her quill began to trace the image onto the mellow, cream
surface. When the drawing was complete, Olivia sat for a moment longer
gazing at her folly; an outline of her hand and in the palm, a small
shaky heart. With a sigh, she closed the book.
"Sirius, I think you should go. I am more tired than I thought."
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In his dungeon office, Severus Snape watched as a thin line appeared and made its way along the page, dipping and rising until the outline of a slender hand was complete. The hint of a smile creased his eyes as an equally wobbly heart took up residence in the outline's palm. With slow deliberation, Snape lay his hand over the drawing and left it there.
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After Sirius bid her a confused good-bye, Olivia doused the lights and crawled between the covers. Though her body cried out for sleep, Olivia's mind refused to succumb and kept the witch thrashing about in the bed trying to dodge the thoughts flying like bludgers around in her brain.
Finally, with a snort of disgust directed at her more tender sensibilities, Olivia heaved herself from the bed. A quick trip to the bathroom put her appearance in order and sweetened her breath. Not that she would be allowing the madding wizard close enough for him to notice the minty-freshness!
I can't believe I am actually doing this! Olivia berated herself.
But he DID make the attempt. He said "Please", after all.
And he had offered to apologize!
How often did anyone rate an apology from Professor Severus Snape?
Olivia's heart contracted as she imagined how difficult it must have been for the reclusive Potions Master to offer the hand of reconciliation only to have her thrust it back at him.
Tossing a heavy cloak over her flannel, plaid pyjamas, Olivia exited her room, grateful that Sirius was not camped out on the doorstep. The cold of the corridor stung her cheeks and she pulled the hood close about her face, setting off for the dungeons.
Upon the darkened night
The flame of love was burning in my heart.
And by a lantern bright
I fled my house when all in quiet rest.
Shrouded by the night
And by the secret stair I quickly fled.
The veil concealed my eyes
While all within lay quiet as the dead.
Oh Night thou was my guide!
Oh Night more loving than the rising sun.
Oh Night that joined the lover to the beloved one.
Transforming each of them into the other.
Olivia raced along the main corridor which would carry her to the massive staircase leading to the entrance hall. At the top of the stairs she paused, her heart nudging her, not towards the dungeons, but up. Following her instinct, Olivia glided down the main corridor, turning along intersecting hallways, the torches that burned in their sconces doing very little in the way of warding off the chill.
Upon that misty night
In secrecy beyond such mortal sight
Without a guide or light
Than that which burned so deeply in my heart.
For it 'twas led me on
And shone more bright than of the midday sun
To where he waited still.
It was a place where no one else would come!
Oh Night thou was my guide!
Oh Night more loving than the rising sun.
Oh Night that joined the lover to the beloved one.
Transforming each of them into the other.
Reaching the abandoned tower, Olivia quickly released the wards. The wind that whipped about the castle made itself known as the heavy, wooden panel was snatched from her grasp and her cloak nearly pulled from her body by the vacuum. Straining against the sucking wind, Olivia managed to push the door to and reset the wards. Breathing hard, she jogged along the black tunnel, a glimmer of moonlight leading her on, the moaning of the wind filling her ears.
The cold here upon the exposed tower was immense, bringing tears to Olivia's eyes. The volume of the wind declined as she exited the mouth of the tunnel, stepping out onto the ice encrusted stone but it continued to breathe its frigid sighs through the empty casements. Above Olivia's head, the expanse of the heavens was open to her view, stars uncountable, fading before the silver glow of the crescent moon.
Quickly, yet cautiously, Olivia moved over the frost rimed stone, her eyes casting about for a sign life among the shadows and finding none, felt hollow disappointment come over her. So, Olivia admitted silently, not the tower. A wasted trip!
She made to return through the tunnel but hesitated, her eyes once more rising to the diamond dusted night sky. Maybe not wasted after all, Olivia reasoned and unclasping her cloak, allowed it to fall in a pool at her feet. Shivering, she skittered to the remains of a low wall running around three sides of the tower. Like an agile squirrel, Olivia climbed atop the piled stone and let her eyes take in the view. It seemed the whole world lay spread at her feet, cast in silver and black. A suddenly harsh gust of wind pushed against her body and startled witch felt the stones beneath her roll and tumble away. With barely a gasp, she vanished into the night.
Severus Snape crumbled and fell, much as the stones below Olivia had fallen, the skin on his knees breaking from the force of the impact. His mouth wide in a silent scream of denial, Snape pointed his wand at empty air.
Too late!
Too late!
His lungs burned as the horror of the event pulled air from his body. The pile of rock where Olivia had perched and the empty sky beyond began to waver and blur as tears of raging grief boiled up within him. Flinging back his raven head, Severus Snape screamed.
There were no words, just a wail of anguish that lanced upwards and outwards, bounding from the broken tower walls, echoing back, amplifying the Potions Masters pain.
And then there was silence, save for the weeping of the wind that drowned
out the weeping of the black figure huddled in the snow.
OMG!! A cliffie! If you hate it, blame it on ZeeDrippyVessel! I ran the idea by her and she jumped on it like stink on a dog pile.
The poem is a 15th century, untitled hymn by St. John of the Cross. It is considered a metaphoric poem describing the love between himself and God. It can be interpreted, much as the Song of Solomon, which compares the love of man for God to the physical and emotional love between a man and a woman. This poem was set to music by the very talented Loreena McKennitt and appears on her CD, The Mask and the Mirror. Since hearing the song, from the very first, I wanted to use it with Olivia and Severus. The chapter title comes from the title Miss McKennitt gave her creation.
Oh, I have a question. Or a quest, depending on how you look at it. I have read a Snape fic where the title of a book is used. The title in question is No Wand? No Worries! I cannot, for the life of me, remember where I read the story, but I would really love to find it and speak with the author. If you love me, help me!!
You could always leave your answer in a REVIEW!!!