Warnings: Shounen-Ai (if you're looking for it, but safe enough for the whole family), mild language, genuine Omi-cynicism, and over-hyphenization.
Spoilers: references to various events during the anime series, including but not limited to Omi's Tragic Past.
Snow
Incident Number Two: The Mystery Girl and the Four Male Assassins.
One still unconscious girl and one hour later we arrived at the Villa White. Aya leapt out of the car to unlock the door as Yohji ran around the car to carry the damsel in distress. Ken and I grabbed massive handfuls of luggage and carted them inside after the other two. At least Aya was helpful. Once we managed to make the several trips required for the apparent necessities of cabin life there was a delicious fire in the fireplace. Yohji, on the other hand, was rapidly sinking to the position of 'dark beast' in my book. He had the girl strewn over the couch and was fluffing pillows, unfolding blankets, and generally being a lazy pain in the ass. Ken didn't seem to mind his new status as co-pack mule, and as soon as we'd brought everything safely inside he ignored the fact that he was wetter than a scuba diver in a raincoat and went straight to fair princess' bedside.
Damn Konrad Lorenz. Damn him to wherever Yohji's car is doomed if it breaks down on him again, because the moment goose-girl opened her sparkly eyes and planted them on Ken she decided to drill her seductive root-system into his hapless brain. She ignored Yohji who kneeled by her ready to propose and said breathlessly to Ken,
"Where am I?"
"Erm, well, we…"
I see why she went for Ken instead. He's cute and innocent on the outside, but inside awaits a tumultuous mess a haz-mat team wouldn't touch with a fifty foot pole. The girls adore that kind of deranged, week-old-boston-crème-donut routine. Besides, you can practically smell all of Yohji's STDs from Okinawa. But still, if Ken were ever to go for a creepy sap like her, I'd kill him. Maybe kill her, instead, because her beastliness was considerably darker than Yohji's. Why was I the only one to see it? Even Aya seemed to think she echoed to some degree the appearance of his poor, estranged sister. Of course, anything that moved and at least sort-of resembled a Japanese female looked identical to his sister in his disturbingly star-stuck eyes.
To set the record somewhere other than backward, she didn't look at all like Aya-chan. Sure, she had long black hair and dark brown, tremulous eyes that made her look like a tragically-perplexed buy-a-bride from Taiwan, but she was much older: definitely older than me and probably Ken too.
And did no one see that smirk? I couldn't let on to her succubus ways, no. I had to suck it up, be a man, and play Omi-kins the friendship fairy for my team. That, and I had to tell them what to do in such a way so that it looked like Aya's idea.
"…and so we took you here, because well, the weather is not exactly…"
"You're here, sweet lass, so that we could protect you from the ghastly weather that would undoubtedly take a toll on a flower as beautiful and delicate as yourself."
Apparently, estrogen within a few feet did wonders for Yohji's vocabulary, which consisted entirely of pick-up lines and useless wooing devices. I wondered what kind of evolutionary chain produced a blonde, walking testosterone mess like Yohji and figured that Darwin, wherever he ended up, was undoubtedly reeling from this assault on his theory. Luckily for whoever would get stuck in the room next to Yohji's tonight she ignored him, turning her crafty, innocent eyes on Ken.
"What's your name?" Aya intervened. I hoped desperately it wasn't Aya, or she'd have two men proposing to her, leaving only Ken to be smashed over the delicate head with the love-hammer.
"Ayame. Ishida Ayame."
"Damnit!" And with another psychologically-unpreventable outburst I blew my cover.
"Erm, that's Omi." Yohji said hastily, trying to divert her attention back to him.
"Omi." She repeated, "It's a pleasure." And her eyes flashed with the blood she would spill and her smirk widened to reveal teeth that would make an anaconda wildly jealous. This terrifying revelation happened so fast, I could have imagined it, but the doubt didn't come until after I'd fled the scene and locked myself in a random bedroom.
Once safely hidden away in a closet I had time to consider my dwindling options. Yohji was smitten the moment he realized she had breasts and both her eyes. Aya, well, I was sure he wouldn't dismiss the girl's name as coincidence and would be reduced to becoming her personal stalker. Ken, however, was still too confused to have been converted to Ayame's devious ways. Something had to be done.
I'm usually not the type to flee a precarious situation like that. I'm the cool, calculating one who always has a plan to save the day. Although when it comes to being cool I don't hold an icicle to Aya, who has been labeled by some anonymous sources as 'frosty bitch'. But even his glacier-encased heart has been enslaved by Miss I-have-the-same-name-as-your-sister. Steeling myself for some intrepid reconnaissance, I made my way to the loft overlooking the dramatically outnumbered battle of hormones below. My friends were on the losing side.
Was I the only one impervious to her wily ways? Ken had to hold out, he had to!
There was Aya, bringing her a mug of coffee as Yohji tucked a blanket around her. I couldn't restrain my eyes from rolling when I saw exactly how long it took him to do it. Did the man have no shame? Ken stood by, conveniently entranced with his unkempt fingernails. There was nothing for it, I had to go back down and play matador since I seemed to be the only one immune to her witchery.
"So what exactly happened to you?" Yohji was actually massaging her hand. At his question, her eyes glazed over, indicating she'd turned on the faucet labeled, 'pity me'.
"It was terrible," She began, gripping her coffee mug for an extra-dramatic effect, "my boyfriend and I were driving up into the mountains to go skiing together. He's been skiing since he was a very young boy, you see, and we got into a fight on the drive up…" Cue the tragic sniff, "It was the stupidest thing, really, I shouldn't have let it happen. But, well, he kicked me out of the car and drove off without me."
"He didn't!" Yohji bellowed, rising so quickly it was a miracle he didn't upset her cup. He looked like a rebel fighter from a poor rendition of Les Misérables, "What a bastard!" Look, he even had a fist raised. I half-expected him to start screaming about liberty, equality and fraternity, but instead he spouted slightly different ideals, "No real man would ever do such a terribly heartless thing."
As the tears started their devious run down her face I interrupted the soap opera with my trademark smile firmly superglued in place,
"I'm sure you're terribly exhausted by your ordeal. Perhaps it would be wise of you to get some rest? I'll show you to your room."
Suddenly I was a cheap bellhop. It had to be me, though. Viva la resistance!
She offered me her dainty, claw-ridden hand, pawning her half-full mug off on Yohji as I pulled her to her feet. She sniffed and sobbed the entire way upstairs, making me feel slightly awkward despite my impenetrable demeanor.
"You can sleep here. The bathroom's just down the hall if you'd like to take a shower."
"Thank you so much, Omi dear," She breathed. Omi dear? Who died and made her a creepy grandmother sales clerk?
"Um, goodnight Ishida-san."
I fled.
"Guys, we need to talk." I said upon returning to the scene of the crime.
"We need to figure out who gets to sleep with Ayame. I think it should be me since I…"
"No, Yohji," I snapped, irate. That did bring up an interesting predicament, however. There were only four bedrooms, and since I gave one to her someone was going to have to sleep on the couch. That had to be saved for later.
"Don't you guys think she's even slightly suspicious?"
"Omi, Omi," Yohji chuckled in a frighteningly father-like way, "You're too young to know the true purpose of the fairer sex. Someday, however…"
"Yohji! That's not the point. Besides, I am seventeen. I know enough."
"But you don't know." He smirked. I could feel myself blushing. What did he take me for? Just because he'd been copulating with anything that moved since the age of twelve didn't mean that my virginity made me some sort of naïve freak. Besides, I had kissed Ouka, at least, and I was sure that meant something. I glanced imploringly at Ken.
"What do you mean, suspicious, Omi?"
Thank you!
"Isn't it a little odd that we found her in the middle of a blizzard in such good condition? We didn't pass any cars, nor did any pass us while we were stranded."
"The blizzard's rough, we could have easily missed another car." Yohji said.
"Do you think she might be a Schreint member in disguise?" Ken said. I could always count on Ken to take me seriously. Yohji's eyes narrowed, and it pleased me to see that the stupid incident with Neu had some sort of lingering impression on his quicksand-laden skull.
"I don't think so, but I definitely don't trust her."
"Jealous much? Don't worry about it. You're just a bit too young for her. After all, you are technically jailbait."
"Yohji!" He tousled my hair. Sometimes I truly hated the bastard.
"Oh well," he yawned, "I think I'll go sleep on it." He grinned to himself and I looked desperately around for something to maim him with.
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Author's Notes:
Konrad Lorenz is an ecological psychologist who became famous for his work with imprinting on goslings.
Ayame's last name is a tribute to Tatsuya Ishida, the writer of the comic strip "Sinfest" found at Sinfest.net. Although I'm not sure how honored he'd be by having a whack-job like Ayame named after him, his comic strip is still hilarious, so go read it.