SEINFELD
EPISODE 183
THE SHORTCUTS
WRITTEN BY DAVID ADLER
SCENE - THE HALL
GEORGE
Do you remember Tony Kugelman?
JERRY
From high-school. Mr. 4-F.
GEORGE
Why do you care if he couldn't get into the army? I mean weight, appearance, poverty. Those things you can make fun of. But military service...
JERRY
No, those were his grades. 4 Fs, every term. I thought he was in jail. You know (sniffles knowingly).
GEORGE
He got out a few months ago. Do you think he'd be interested in Celia?
JERRY
The one who's all over you? That you can't stand?
GEORGE
Yeah.
JERRY
What makes you so sure that she'd be interested in him?
GEORGE
I don't know. He kind of looks like me a little. And his mother used to use the same laundry detergent as mine, so our houses always smelled the same.
JERRY
You look like you've got something on your mind.
GEORGE
I'm thinking of pulling a double-switch.
JERRY
So you're going to install him in some kind of puppet-relationship?
GEORGE
That's the plan.
JERRY
You know if it were me, it'd be easy. I've already got a double picked out.
GEORGE
What? Who are you talking about?
JERRY
This comedian I used to know. He came to all my sets, tried to be just like me. He copied everything I did. It was like me, only a slightly more sarcastic, less better-looking version.
GEORGE
Really. You never told me about this guy. Who is he?
JERRY
No, I'm not giving you that information.
GEORGE
Why not?
JERRY
Remember Wally Pip.
GEORGE
The guy who played first base for the Yankees before Gehrig.
JERRY
Exactly.
GEORGE
So you're afraid that if you go down, you're out of the line-up for good? Who's my backup?
JERRY
Sack of potatoes.
GEORGE
Well I need to do something. This girl is killing me. The smiling, the calls, the caring. Do you know what it's like to have someone genuinely interested in your life? I don't even answer the phone anymore. It rings, I put a couple of pillows around my head and hum.
JERRY
Why can't you just tell her how you feel?
GEORGE
(Just looks at Jerry like he's said the craziest thing in the world) What, we've know each other a long time, right. That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard you say.
JERRY
I'm telling you, it's never gonna work. The double-switch...it's impossible.
GEORGE
Why? Because it's too perfect?
JERRY
Yeah. It's like the Immaculate Reception. You just need Franco Harris and the whole thing should turn out fine.
GEORGE
See, this is always what happens. I ask you a simple question and you start with the sarcasm.
JERRY
Alright short-round, you finished?
GEORGE
You're pushing it.
(Opens door and enters apartment. There are maps and papers spread out over all the tables and furniture)
GEORGE
Are you painting?
JERRY
What the hell is going on?
(Kramer enters)
KRAMER
Whoa. This is an unexpected treat.
JERRY
What is this?
KRAMER
Oh, these are my maps?
JERRY
Maps of what?
KRAMER
New York City.
JERRY
Of course.
GEORGE
Allow me. What...(trails off)
KRAMER
I was downtown today, you know, buying a top hat, and I remembered I had to pick up Newman at the doctor's. Well I was all the way down there, you know. All the way downtown and I had to be uptown in ten minutes. Well I can't make that. So I thought, there must be a better way.
JERRY
Well, you know what they say; Insanity is the mother of invention.
GEORGE
See. That's what I'm talking about. The sarcasm.
JERRY
But that's how I always talk.
GEORGE
I know. And it's driving me crazy. I tell you, I don't know if we can be friends anymore.
JERRY
Well, it's my loss I guess.
GEORGE
Oh, THAT'S IT. You're really pouring it on today! (Steaming, leaves the apartment and slams the door)
KRAMER
He's right you know.
JERRY
What? About the sarcasm?
KRAMER
I can't take it.
JERRY
You too? Then why are you here all the time?
KRAMER
I'm afraid of the dark.
JERRY
Well I don't know what to say. I mean...
KRAMER
Don't.
JERRY
I guess I could tone it down a little. I don't need to be funny all the time.
KRAMER
Funny?
JERRY
Hey, how does a normal person talk?
KRAMER
Ask me something.
JERRY
Like what?
KRAMER
Ask me about the...subway.
JERRY
Alright. So, I hear they're getting rid of the seats on the subway. Making it standing room only.
KRAMER
Yeah.
JERRY
Is that it?
KRAMER
That's how people speak. Short and sweet. There's no time for all this, superfluous, conversation.
JERRY
Would you mind clearing these things off of my bed? I think I'm gonna go to sleep.
KRAMER
I'll be quiet.
JERRY
I'd like you to go.
KRAMER
But it's pitch-black out there.
SCENE - COFFEE SHOP
JERRY
Good morning Elaine.
ELAINE
Good morning. Hey, you know I always wondered about the "good-morning" return. You're saying good morning to me, and I'm saying good morning back to you. I mean, doesn't that seem a little redundant?
JERRY
(Looks at her like she's crazy)
ELAINE
What. What are you looking at?
JERRY
Nothing. Hey, it's a beautiful day today, isn't it. I mean the sun's shining. Not a cloud in the sky. It's been unseasonably warm this year, hasn't it.
ELAINE
Yeah, I guess. Hey, I was...
JERRY
I read an interesting story in the paper this morning. Did you know that cod stocks in the North Atlantic are at an all-time low? Overfishing. I don't know how they do it.
ELAINE
What are you talking about?
JERRY
Fisheries.
ELAINE
Why?
JERRY
Because that's what normal people talk about. You see this fork. You see this concretion of food molecules cemented to it. I am going to use this fork. You know why? Because I'm a normal person and whatever this disgusting mass of hardened pre-chewed cud is, doesn't bother me.
ELAINE
So you've gone straight?
JERRY
Yes I have, and it's all thanks to George. I had a big fight with him yesterday and I realized that all this sarcasm and petty, whatever, was keeping me from being happy. So from now on, I'm a normal guy. I realize I may not be as funny...
ELAINE
Funny?
JERRY
YES. As funny as I used to be, but what's more important? All this? Or peace of mind?
ELAINE
With you, it's a very small piece.
JERRY
As a normal person, I can accept that "joke" and move on. Now where's my oatmeal.
SCENE REGGIE'S COFFEE SHOP
KRAMER
Can we sit in the booth?
GEORGE
I like the table.
KRAMER
When there's a booth? Come on. We're all vulnerable out here. Everyone can see us eating. Look at that guy. That guy was looking at us.
GEORGE
No one is looking at us.
KRAMER
Why are we here anyway? You know Jerry went to Monks this morning. I saw him going to get the paper.
GEORGE
Jerry gets the paper delivered.
KRAMER
I know. I was going to get his paper. He was going out for a walk.
GEORGE
A walk. I don't like this. Stop playing with that.
KRAMER
(Kramer is pulling napkins out of the dispenser and counting them) What. I'm not doing anything.
GEORGE
So I ran into Tony Kugelman yesterday.
KRAMER
Who's he?
GEORGE
A guy I used to know in high school. He works at a newsstand now down on 4th street.
KRAMER
You know I used to work in a newsstand...until Joan Crawford came and burned it down.
GEORGE
Well, anyway, I was talking to him about Jerry...
KRAMER
About who?
GEORGE
JERRY.
KRAMER
Van Dyke?
GEORGE
SEINFELD!
KRAMER
Oh. Continue. Hey, what is this? I asked for a glass of water. How am I supposed to drink this? (Picks up the vinegar and tries sticking a straw through the small hole in the top)
GEORGE
That's vinegar! I can't take this. I need Jerry here. This isn't right. We had an equilibrium: His sarcasm, Elaine's flakiness, your...whatever. Me and you, it's like a chemical imbalance.
KRAMER
Well why don't you just apologize to him. He'll take you back.
GEORGE
I don't know if I can.
KRAMER
You know he misses you.
GEORGE
Did he say that? You're not just saying that, are you? Cause if you're just saying that...
KRAMER
No. He wants you back.
GEORGE
Then why hasn't he called? I have a phone. He knows the number.
KRAMER
Maybe he just needs some time.
GEORGE
Or maybe he changed his whole life and there's no room for me anymore.
KRAMER
Well, that's a possibility.
SCENE - HEALTH CLUB
(Jerry is on a treadmill talking to some uninterested looking guy standing next to him)
JERRY
You know I'll tell you what's a coincidence; that Captain Hook. Do you think Mr. and Mrs. Hook ever thought for a second that would work out so well? I mean that's a lot of foresight. What if his name was Captain Hand? Then you've got a whole other story there.
ROY
Who's Captain Hook?
JERRY
From Peter Pan. You know the pirate. One hand's a hook.
ROY
No. I don't watch much TV though. (Walks away)
ELAINE
Making some new friends?
JERRY
I don't know what's wrong with people. I've got these perfectly good non-sequiturs and everyone's looking at me like I'm crazy. I'm not crazy, Elaine. I'm a...
ELAINE
A normal guy. Right.
JERRY
I don't know what happened to people.
ELAINE
You know the strangest thing just happened. I was over by the ab-machines, and I saw a guy who looked just like you. It was really weird.
JERRY
Oh, no. Was he wearing sunglasses?
ELAINE
YEAH. Yeah, he was.
JERRY
That's Tom Sheinstein. That's my double.
ELAINE
Oh! That's him? Why's he wearing sunglasses, is he blind?
JERRY
No, he wears them all the time. To look cool. Why does anyone wear sunglasses?
ELAINE
Well I'm gonna go over and talk to him.
(Jerry reaches out and grabs Elaine's arm)
JERRY
NO! Stay away from him.
ELAINE
Jerry! You're hurting me. You know you've been acting really strange lately. Maybe I'll see you later.
SCENE - JERRY'S APARTMENT
JERRY
I thought I told you to get these things out of here.
KRAMER
I know. But I had an idea. You know there are maps of the city, and they tell you how to get somewhere. But what about the things they don't tell you?
JERRY
Kramer, I'm having a really bad day...
KRAMER
Well what about speed bumps. Traffic lights. Crosswalks. The things Washington doesn't want you to know.
JERRY
So you're doing what exactly?
KRAMER
I'm making a map of shortcuts. I'm sick of yielding, Jerry. I'm sick of it. I want people to know that they can get around this city. I know a guy, came in from Idaho. He was coming back to his hotel from dinner one day. He left at 6 O'Clock. Three days later, he's still on 5th Avenue.
JERRY
Well, I'm not sure I believe that story, but the shortcut thing is a great idea. Put me down for one when you're finished.
KRAMER
You want to buy one?
JERRY
Yeah. Just tell me how much and I'll write you a cheque. Olive? (Offers Kramer an olive)
KRAMER
What's going on here? Who are you?
JERRY
What? I'm just a normal guy.
KRAMER
Where are your shoes?
JERRY
I took them off when I came in. I don't want to track dirt all over the floor. And in the future, I'd thank you to do the same.
KRAMER
Strange days.
JERRY
Now could you get this stuff out of here please. Shirley is coming over.
KRAMER
Who's Shirley?
JERRY
My date. My insurance agent set me up with her. They're sisters. You know I wasn't covered for floods OR earthquakes?
KRAMER
Insurance? You don't have insurance.
JERRY
Sure I do. I'm a normal guy.
KRAMER
Well for a normal guy, you're really FREAKING ME OUT.
JERRY
Just clean up these maps please.
KRAMER
Please!
SCENE - REGGIE'S
GEORGE
Shirley?
KRAMER
That's right.
GEORGE
Wow. Shirley. Hmm. Kind of, you know...old fashioned.
KRAMER
Well you know Jerry. He's not into that petty stuff anymore. He's just a normal guy.
GEORGE
Normal guy! You know, I spoke to Elaine yesterday. She left me a message. Maybe she's getting a little sick and tired of Jerry too. She wants me to meet her at Monk's for lunch. To talk about it, I guess.
Anyway, I never finished telling you about Tony Kugelman yesterday.
KRAMER
Who?
GEORGE
The guy with the newsstand. I used to know him in high school.
KRAMER
The (Kramer sniffles, turns his head, and pushes a packet of sugar across the table to George to signify that Tony is a suspected criminal). Did I tell you about my shortcut maps?
GEORGE
No.
KRAMER
Do you think this guy, Kugelman, would be interested in selling them?
GEORGE
I don't know. Maybe.
KRAMER
Alright. Where is he, 'cause I'm gonna go down and see him.
GEORGE
Don't you want to hear the rest of the story?
KRAMER
I'd love to buddy, but I've got to run. Maybe later.
(Kramer Exits)
GEORGE
What is going on here?
(Kramer Returns)
KRAMER
I forgot my hat.
(Kramer puts on his top-hat and leaves)
SCENE - RESTAURANT
JERRY
So I was standing in line at the video store and some guy comes and butts in ahead of me.
SHIRLEY
So what did you do?
JERRY
I tapped him on the shoulder and said "Excuse me, sir, but I was here first." Well he laughed about it and said it was just a mistake. Turns out he's an electrician.
SHIRLEY
That's an interesting story.
JERRY
Well, I thought you'd like it. Hey, did you see the NASDAQ today?
SHIRLEY
No, I didn't.
JERRY
Well, it started off pretty tough, but then by the end of the day, it rebounded.
SHIRLEY
That's all anybody ever talks about at work. The stock market. I'm so sick of it.
JERRY
Really. I forgot to ask, where do you work?
SHIRLEY
Research and development at Colgate-Palmolive. I product test the new soaps and shampoos.
JERRY
So your job is to bathe all day?
SHIRLEY
Basically. I'm the cleanest person I know.
JERRY
Clean. Yes. Do you know I love to wash my hands? In fact, I keep wet-naps in my wallet.
SHIRLEY
Who are you Jerry Seinfeld?
JERRY
Hey. I'm just a normal guy.
SCENE - COFFEE SHOP
(George is sitting in the booth all by himself, looking excited and nervous. Elaine enters with a man who looks just like Jerry)
ELAINE
Hi. George, I want you to meet Tom. The new Jerry.
GEORGE
(Nervously, wiping his hand on his pants to make sure his palms aren't sweaty) Hey.
TOM
I just got off the phone with my parents. They went out for dinner yesterday. Expensive place. Classy. My mom sends back her Coke because there's too much ice in it.
GEORGE
(George is apprehensive at meeting the NEW Jerry, and is acting a bit shy) Oh, yeah. Do your parents live around here?
TOM
No. They're out in Palm Springs.
GEORGE
Really. Not Florida?
TOM
They like the dry heat. What about your parents?
GEORGE
They're out in Queens. They don't like anything.
(Tom laughs heartily, and George starts to brighten up)
ELAINE
Tom and I were just at the movies. That's why we're late.
TOM
George, you had to be there. There was this couple in the back of the theatre that kept laughing at the stupidest things. I mean these weren't even jokes really. But they kept laughing. So I turned to Elaine and I said, "They probably haven't laughed this hard since Ishtar." A couple of Bad-laughers. Can you believe it? People!
GEORGE
Kramer! Hey, Kramer. Come over here.
KRAMER
Hi.
GEORGE
Kramer, sit down.
KRAMER
OK.
ELAINE
Kramer, I'd like you to meet Tom. Tom, this is my friend Kramer that I was telling you about.
TOM
Hey, the K-Man.
KRAMER
Greetings. So where's Jerry?
ELAINE
He's not coming.
KRAMER
What, is he busy?
ELAINE
No, we just didn't invite him.
KRAMER
Didn't invite him? What's going on here?
GEORGE
We don't need Jerry. We've got Tom.
TOM
Hey, what's the deal with Oranges? What do you think came first, the fruit or the color? Because if it was the fruit, that's kind of crazy.
KRAMER
(Goes spastic in the booth) Whoa. I know what's going on here. I know what you're trying to do. I'm not going to be a part of this. Oh, no.
ELAINE
Will you calm down?
KRAMER
No, I'm not going to sit idly by while you phase out Jerry like so much...asbestos.
ELAINE
Tom works for Rand McNally. You know, the MAP people.
KRAMER
Oh, really.
ELAINE
I told him about your shortcut maps. He thinks it's a great idea.
KRAMER
He does?
TOM
It's the best idea I've ever heard. We've been looking for a breakthrough in map making for years. You know it's always the same thing. Those legends, the colors. The railroad tracks.
You know the reason people need maps? Most of them just don't want to ask someone for directions. They're lazy. They don't want to look like an idiot in front of their wives.
But with your shortcut maps they're making great time. They're looking like heroes. They get to Aunt Edie's in an hour.
"How did you get here so fast?"
"It was a shortcut."
People love to brag about making good time. It's like getting 1500 on your SATS. I'm telling you, these maps are a million-dollar idea. You give me your drawings, and we can get these babies on the street right away.
KRAMER
Tom!
SCENE - JERRY'S APARTMENT
(A knock is heard in the hall. Newman begins calling for Kramer.)
JERRY
Hello, Newman.
NEWMAN
Hello, Jerry.
JERRY
Kramer's not here. I don't know where he went.
NEWMAN
Oh, that's too bad. Because I just picked up the latest installment in the Firestorm series. Starring a Mr. Tom Berenger.
JERRY
Firestorm II. That just came out yesterday. I've been dying to see it. I heard it was an action-packed thrill ride. Or an edge-of-your-seat roller-coaster ride. Or some kind of ride.
NEWMAN
I know a certain someone in the mail room of a major Hollywood studio that shall remain unnamed. He was kind enough to forward this copy to me with his, regards.
JERRY
Well, hey. Why don't you come in and we can watch it together.
NEWMAN
Come in? Is this some kind of trap. You know they're expecting me at the chocolate factory in a few hours. If I don't show up, they'll call. What's in your hand?
JERRY
The remote control. Look, I've got nothing to do. I'm kind of not talking to George and Elaine. Come on. It'll be fun.
NEWMAN
Can we have popcorn?
JERRY
Yeah, I'll microwave some.
NEWMAN
And pound cake?
JERRY
I'm all out.
NEWMAN
Well, alright.
(Newman enters and removes his shoes on the doormat)
JERRY
Hey, you're taking off your shoes.
NEWMAN
Of course I am. I'm a normal guy.
SCENE - NEWSSTAND
KRAMER
Hey.
TONY
Hey.
KRAMER
You Kugelmim?
TONY
Kugel-MAN. Who wants to know?
KRAMER
I'm a friend of George Costanza's. I've got these maps, you know, shortcut maps. They're just like regular maps, only they only give you shortcuts around the city.
TONY
Yeah? That's a good idea.
KRAMER
I was wondering if you'd be interested in selling them here.
TONY
You give me 15% and we got a deal.
KRAMER
Deal!
(Kramer gives him a copy of the map)
TONY
What is this?
KRAMER
That's the map.
TONY
The pages are all red. I can't read this thing.
KRAMER
Well red's my favorite color.
TONY
No one's gonna buy a red map. And look at this thing, it's in pieces. What is this? You bring me back white ones and we'll talk.
SCENE - JERRY'S APARTMENT
SHIRLEY
Do you think we're going too fast? I'm kind of an old-fashioned girl, you know.
JERRY
No.
SHIRLEY
Well, maybe you're right.
(They start kissing)
SHIRLEY
Maybe we should go into the bedroom.
JERRY
That was fast.
(They go into the bedroom. Frame cuts and we see Jerry running out into the main room. Shirley runs out after him)
JERRY
Whoa!
SHIRLEY
What? What?
JERRY
(Rinsing out his mouth and spitting) I think you should go.
SHIRLEY
Why? I don't understand.
JERRY
Hey. I heard what you said. You're sick sister.
Really old fashioned? Hey, I don't think they ever did THAT in Little House On The Prairie. I'll tell you something, there's not enough soap in the world...You know what? I bet you're a great worker. I bet you're there working overtime! You're probably the best employee they've ever had.
SHIRLEY
I thought that's what you wanted.
JERRY
I was thinking about rounding third base. You've got me doing laps around the stadium.
SHIRLEY
I'm sorry. I'm...sorry. I thought...
JERRY
Hey, I'm just a normal guy. Alright.
SHIRLEY
But that's normal.
JERRY
THAT'S not normal. And if THAT is normal, then bring on the padded walls!
SHIRLEY
I'm leaving. If you change your mind, call me.
JERRY
(Muttering) Yeah. Right after I burn my sheets.
(Kramer opens his apartment door)
KRAMER
Hey, I've got a souffle in the oven. What's going on?
JERRY
Shirley left...
(Kramer immediately jumps to the conclusion that Jerry's sexual advances caused Shirley to storm out)
KRAMER
Oh, You didn't! She's a nice girl, Jerry. But NO, you had to get fresh with her. You couldn't control yourself. You saw unspoiled beauty and couldn't take it.
JERRY
Look, I'm not the problem. It's not what you think.
KRAMER
Oh, yeah, well then what is it? Could it be that your heart is as black as night? That you're propelled by lust; a Marquis De Sade of the 5th floor. Insatiable!
JERRY
Oh, forget it. OK. I don't want to talk about it.
KRAMER
No. No. I thought you were a normal guy and then you go and pull a stunt like this. I'm never gonna look at you the same, you know that? You're tainted in my eyes. Sex, is all that matters to you and your dirty, DIRTY, little mind? (Points at Jerry) UNCLEAN! UNCLEAN!
JERRY
ALRIGHT! I'll tell you. But this is the last time I ever want to hear about it. Understand? She wanted to...(whispering in Kramer's ear)
(Kramer hears what Jerry has to say and goes absolutely spastic. He lies, writhing on the floor. Jerry goes to help him up, but Kramer refuses)
KRAMER
No. Leave me down here for a while.
(Kramer slithers back into his own apartment)
SCENE - STREET
GEORGE
So what made you decide to call?
JERRY
I don't know. I guess I missed you.
(Kramer looks over at Jerry and winks at him)
GEORGE
'Cause I thought, maybe, there wasn't room for me in your life anymore.
JERRY
You? Please. As long as I don't have a wife, family, pet, hobby...there'll always be room for you. Besides, Newman...dumped me. I found crumbs all over his collar. I think he found someone else.
GEORGE
That's sweet of you to say. Hey, there's Tom.
JERRY
The fake me.
TOM
Hey, Jerry.
JERRY
Hey Tom. How are you doing?
TOM
I'm alright. Elaine just sent me down to get the paper. Can you believe she doesn't get it delivered?
JERRY
So things are still good with you guys?
TOM
Actually, I told her I thought it would be better if we were just friends, but she said no. Something about doubles. I don't know.
Kramer, I was right about those shortcut maps. We just sold a truckload to the city yesterday. Big money.
KRAMER
Yeah? 'Cause I'm just dropping some off right now.
Tony. Hey, I got the goods right here.
(Gives Tony a package wrapped in brown butcher's paper)
GEORGE
Hey Tony!
TONY
George. You know that girl you set me up with is a nut. She keeps calling me, popping in. I had to disconnect my phone.
GEORGE
Well I'm sorry. I didn't know.
TONY
Is it all here?
KRAMER
Pure white and uncut. The good stuff.
COP 1
Police, freeze.
KRAMER
What's going on?
COP 1
That's it Kugelman. We've been watching you for months. You finally slipped up.
TONY
Hey, I didn't do nothing.
COP 1
Save it. We've got this place wired. (To Kramer) So Mr. "pure white, and uncut." You're going away for a long time.
KRAMER
Hey, you've got it all wrong.
(Tony bolts, but as he leaves he dislodges the awning on the news stand, which falls and hits Tom in the head, knocking him out)
SCENE - AMBULANCE
(The ambulance is driving around, going nowhere. The driver and the paramedic in the passenger seat are looking at each other confusedly)
JERRY
Hey, we were just here. We're going in circles.
DRIVER
It's this map. It's junk. This is supposed to be a shortcut.
MEDIC
Hey, this is a one-way street.
DRIVER
Where are we anyway?
JERRY
Hey! This is kind of an emergency.
DRIVER
Turn West. West!
MEDIC
We are going West.
DRIVER
West is left!
MEDIC
We're going left.
JERRY
What does that mean?
MEDIC
Yield! YIELD!
(We see Newman crossing the street with Shirley. Freeze on their frightened expressions)
THE END