Disclaimer: Don't own, have no relation to Gundam Wing or any of its characters, making no profit from this, yadda yadda I'm really tired of writing disclaimers.
Summary: Duo realizes Heero doesn't like him. Heero realizes that he does. [Warning: in 3 parts. First part angst, second part will attract ants, third part might burn rubber all the way up to R.]
Duo was still sleeping when I got up the next day, his door locked. I stared at the wood for a moment. Something had been wrong last night; something had changed in his eyes. And he never went to sleep so early, telling me he enjoyed the luxury of sleeping late and waking late with a home job.
I made myself a quick sandwich for breakfast, downed a cup of coffee, and then hesitated. Should I… no, Duo could handle his own breakfast. Dismissing the guilt I felt over lying that I hadn't made his dinner, I prepared to leave. After all, it's was the baka's own fault for taking me seriously, and he'd already eaten dinner, anyway. With the girls he'd surely enjoyed the entire day with.
Not two steps into the building and I was confronted with Zechs. "Heero Yuy!" he snapped. "Did you talk to Duo last night?"
Keeping my expression bland, I asked, "What do you mean?"
"You idiot!" he snapped. "Duo was in your office and he overheard two women talking about how Johansson badmouthed him in front of you and you didn't say anything in his defence!"
I stared. "How did you…"
"I went to your office on some business yesterday and overheard the women talking. I was about to confront you about it but then I saw Duo striding out of the office, so I called after him but he didn't hear me, and he was moving too fast for me to catch up. I was planning to go back and yell at you, but then I had something else urgent to attend to so I was busy for the entire day."
He paused to take a breath, and then slowly exhaled. "Look, I know I'm not exactly one of your close friends, but I care about you guys. Duo's too good a thing for you to mess up, okay?"
I didn't quite understand. "What do you mean by that?"
Zechs rolled his eyes. "Are you really that dense?" he asked bemused, then stared when I glared at him. "You really are," he said incredulously.
I growled. "Look, tell me – "
"Yuy. Marquise."
I turned around to see Une, apparently just arrived at the HQ. "Commander," we greeted her.
"Yuy, I want you to help me thank Maxwell again. That information he gave us was very valuable and a veritable time bomb. If he had waited a few minutes longer to get it to us, it would have been useless. As it was, Marquise, you led the team very well, and we managed to make full use of Chang's information."
They stared open-mouthed at her.
"You didn't know? Maxwell got a call from Chang, in code. He taped it and rushed down here to give it to me, and I immediately set our best code-breaker on it. It took a while to break Chang's code, since he used one of the most difficult as it was over an unsecured phone connection, but once I got the real message I sent Marquise to lead the team."
My words from last night came back to me and I winced. I'd thoughtlessly accused Duo… I should have known better. He was never as irresponsible as he made himself out to be; in fact he was the best, most reliable partner I'd ever had. So much better than Johansson, who I'd taken to tuning out whenever he began to talk. Perhaps that hadn't been such a good idea if he'd been insulting Duo…
Wait. Duo said – he'd been cruising around all day. But that was when I had accused him of going out dating, when in actual fact he'd been at HQ. And what Zechs said about Johansson…
Shit.
"Commander, may I please take the day off," I said curtly. Not even waiting for an answer, I took off outside, sprinting towards my car. I had a really bad feeling about this…
I sped past countless traffic lights on my way back, mind racing even faster than my physical body was. That look in Duo's eyes last night – it had been that dull, dead look when he thought I was dead, that one time I'd been involved in a dangerous undercover mission for the Preventers and couldn't reveal myself to him. I would never forget that look.
Duo had always been there, always smiling, always laughing and dammit I had forgotten the lessons war had taught me about that mask of his. I'd fallen back into the mindset people usually had when meeting Duo – he was a joker, a fool, always cheerful and always forgiving and never taking things to heart just because he always looked so happy. How could I forget? I remembered how honoured I'd felt that he'd trusted me with more than his mask, so how could I have not noticed that nowadays all I'd been seeing was an effortless grin? Stupid, stupid, stupid…
And I finally understood his question about the laptop, too. During the war I'd only had that one thing, most of the time, as my single most important possession. As such I had never let him touch it, and it became a game for him to keep pestering me to let him use the damn thing. And somewhere along the way I'd come to like the familiarity of him teasing me and trying to get me to let him just touch my laptop, just once, please? So I kept forbidding him from my laptop even now. When he saw Johansson freely using it, he must have thought…
Zechs was right. I was an idiot. Even more of a baka than that braided baka was.
I'd asked Duo to share an apartment with me because out of all the pilots I felt closest to him. He was my best friend, the only one I fully trusted with everything… except my feelings. I didn't know what it was that I felt, I just knew that I never wanted to let him go, and imagining him not by my side was painfully unthinkable. So I kept him close, hoping that over time things would become clearer. And I had a feeling that soon, I'd finally find out what it was made Duo so very important to me.
I swung my car into the parking lot, relieved to see Duo's car still there. Perhaps I was worrying for nothing? Nevertheless, I still felt uneasy, so I briskly walked into our apartment building, up the stairs and to our door. Fishing out my key, I unlocked the door and opened it.
And froze.
His lithe body was tensed, his side to me, like an animal caught in a trap, the proverbial deer in the headlights. A suitcase rested next to his feet, guilty in all its battered glory. A note was dangling from his fingers, and –
My heart stopped. I could see one large violet eye and it shimmered with tears, and his lightly flushed cheek had a trail of moisture down in. Duo never cried. Ever.
Slowly, oh so slowly I moved towards him, one step at a time. He didn't react, didn't move. Stopping when I was an arm's length away, I reached out and gently pulled the note from his fingers. He still didn't move as I read it.
Hee-chan,
I know you don't want me to call you that but I figured one last time wouldn't hurt, huh? I just wanted to apologize before I go, and tell you something I've kept hidden 'til now.
Sorry for being such an annoying, pesky fly of a housemate! I know I'm really messy and all, but a life as a street rat taught me not to care if I made a mess. Hell, we ourselves were filthy, who cared what we lived in? So yeah, sorry for that, and also for not pulling my weight in the house more often. I know I was a pain to live with, always trying to touch your laptop and calling you Hee-chan and all.
And, well, since I'll be disappearing off nowhere after this, just thought I might tell you that when I first met you I already liked you. Then during the war I realized I liked you a lot, and then I more than liked you as a friend, and from there on it progressed until… huh. Well, trying to say I love you, I guess.
I really do. It's not just another 'baka' comment of mine. I love you, I'm in love with you, I don't ever want to leave you, I can't think of not being with you, I can't stop thinking about you, I get all jealous and flaming pissed when I see you with someone else and I don't expect you to ever think of me as anything past 'friend', so I won't burden you further. I want you to be happy. Don't worry, the next time I see you I should have it all under control. Wish you all the best with Rick, and hey, if you ever get married let me know, yeah? I'll be watching, er, somewhere.
P.S. I still think of you as a friend and hope I haven't ruined that for us, too. I really do treasure our friendship.
I lowered the note to see Duo turn to face me. One swipe of his long sleeve cleared the tears away, and he looked at me with a sheepish smile. "Eh, sorry about that," he said lightly, gesturing at the note. "I was just feeling sentimental about the old times, and got slightly emotional... I was planning on writing you a better one, honest. Look, just give that to me and – "
"Duo?"
He refused to meet my eyes. "Yes?" he asked brightly.
"I'm sorry."
A slight flinch invisible to anyone else but me. "Yeah, I know, you can't return my feelings. Hey, no biggie, I already said – "
"I'm sorry I put you through such pain. I'm sorry that my trying to ignore Johansson made you think I agreed with him. I'm sorry I never told you my reason for keeping you from my laptop was because I enjoyed the attention you gave me while trying to touch it. I'm sorry I neglected to show you that I truly value you as a friend."
His mouth was hanging open, and I think I was rather shocked at myself, too. I'd never apologized more than once a day, come to think of it, and I never spoke so much unless it was mission-related. But this was Duo, and he was everything.
I took a step forward, letting the note flutter to the ground, and reached out to take Duo's hands in mine. He continued to gape while I continued to talk. "You're not a street rat. You're not. You're not filthy, or dirty, or unworthy. You're messy but that's normal, and you were never a pain. You were… nice to have around. You still are. You're beautiful and smart and clean, and, and…"
I took a deep breath. Duo had come clean, and I could finally put a name to what I felt. "I only just realized it, but I – I lo – dammit, I love you, Duo."
He stared at me, violet eyes dark with chaotic emotions. "I love you," I repeated softly, pleadingly.
"You – " Duo's voice was hoarse, but he cleared his throat and continued. "You love me? After – after all the times you pushed me away and treated me coldly and 'omae o korosu'-ed me – "
"I was afraid." And I had been, and I was, now; I was afraid to lose him. I hurt him so much it was a wonder he still thought of me as a friend.
He laughed, a hollow sound that made my heart despair. "Afraid. That's what I kept telling myself, when you would never respond. You were afraid, you were unused to strong feelings, I should take it slow, wait for you to make the first move. But I realized it last night, you never really cared. Why are you doing this now? What, can't afford the rent?"
"Duo… I only realized it just now but that doesn't make it any less true. I know I don't deserve a second chance, don't deserve you, but I'm being selfish and asking for both. I love you, Duo, please, please believe me." I tightened my grip on his hands when he tried to pull away, but he wrenched away with one hard jerk.
We stood there, staring at each other, infinity and an arm's length between us, hardly daring to breathe. Had I really pushed things too far? Was it too late? Dammit, would he leave just when I realized I loved him too much to stop him if he really wanted to?
Little by little, I opened my arms, holding them out in front of me. "I'll love you forever," I whispered. "I'll love you and tell you I love you and show you I love you every single day if you'll let me."
"I'm afraid too," he admitted softly in exchange. "I'm afraid this is all a big joke and you're just being your normal callous self and not caring what this joke will do to me."
"It's not a joke," I told him fiercely. "It's not a joke. I'd never joke about something like this. I love you. Please…"
Please… don't leave me.
He began trembling as I continued to whisper pleading words, begging him to give me a chance, to stay, to let me love him. Bit by bit, he moved towards me, and I could see he was fighting against himself all the way.
"I… I don't want… to be hurt again…" he confessed in a small, half-choked voice.
"I won't hurt you. We might fight, but I'll never intentionally hurt you and I'll never leave you," I breathed, and with a sob he melted into my arms, all the strength gone from him except for his arms holding me tightly, hands gripping my shirt. I closed my arms around his shaking figure, letting him cry it out, as we sank to the floor, still holding each other tightly close. God, he felt so right in my arms, and I clutched him and wished I'd never need to let go and closed my own eyes because my throat was choked up and my eyes were burning.
"You're not a street rat," I managed to whisper through my silent tears and Duo's barely audible ones. "You're Duo Maxwell, and you're mine, and I'm yours."
His sobbing intensified, and I buried my face in his hair while we hung onto each other, riding the tears out. It was a while before Duo stopped shaking. We stayed like that for a while, Duo's head resting in the crook between my neck and shoulder, and me inhaling the tangy scent of his cinnamon shampoo.
Finally Duo lifted his head, tilting his face sideways to look at me. "Heero?" he whispered tentatively.
"No," I whispered back. "Hee-chan."
The sweetest, most innocent and most beautiful smile I'd ever seen spread over Duo's face, lighting up his eyes. "Hee-chan," he repeated obediently. Then the smile dimmed to something shyer, his cheeks flushing even more than the redness his crying had lent to his skin. "Can you… kiss me?" he asked so softly I almost didn't hear it.
I thought about teasing him, then decided the situation was too delicate and too perfect to ruin. "Of course," I murmured.
His eyelashes fluttered closed over those brilliant eyes of his as I leaned in, my own gaze shuttering. The first light, teasing brush of my lips against his made us both gasp. Then I reached up to cradle his head, and leaned forward, and carefully pressed my lips to his.
I nudged his lips with my tongue and he parted them slightly, and I let my tongue dance through his mouth, tasting him, sucking on his tongue. He whimpered slightly, and I pulled back, gazing down at his still flushed face. He looked gorgeous, and I told him so.
Violet eyes blinked up at me shyly. "You think?"
"Don't ever doubt it," I replied, and leaned down to steal another short, gentle kiss. "I love you."
This time, he reached up to tangle his fingers in my mop of hair and pull my head down. "That's right," he whispered, "I haven't really said it yet." He kissed me lightly, then grinned shyly. "I love you."
I rested my forehead against his. "We've been idiots," I laughed, "for so long."
"Damn straight."
Duo and I shot apart – or at least tried to. We just ended up in a groaning mess of limbs on the floor, blinking up at a grinning Quatre at the doorway, Trowa behind him. My eyes widened – that's right! I hadn't closed the door!
"We came in while you were rushing off, Heero," Quatre said nonchalantly. "Talked to Zechs and decided that you both were such idiots you might not get it on your own, so we came over. Didn't expect you to move so fast… how many traffic rules did you break?"
Duo managed to sit up and raise an eyebrow at me. "You sped?" he asked with a smirk.
I shrugged, carefully untangling myself.
"Do what I do – say it was Preventers' business."
We all stared at Trowa.
He blinked back.
"Damn, Tro, you're full of surprises," Duo grinned as he stood, offering a hand out to me. I took it and let him pull me up.
Quatre came over then and hugged Duo. "I'm happy for you," he murmured, and Duo flashed him a grateful smile. I stared at Quatre as he turned to me. "You knew?" I muttered as he hugged me as well.
"Of course," the blond ex-pilot laughed. "Space heart, remember? In fact, I knew what you were feeling long before you figured it out, today."
"So he's slow, that doesn't mean anything," Duo defended me, slipping an arm around my waist. I didn't know whether to feel happy or insulted.
Trowa just nodded at us with a small smile, which was equal to a megawatt grin from him. "Congratulations on finally getting through each other's thick skulls," he said seriously.
Duo stuck a tongue out at him. "Now I know why you don't talk much, you're absolutely charming when you do," he said dryly. Trowa smirked, but then it turned back into a smile when Duo said quietly, "But thanks."
"We'll leave you two alone," Quatre said cheerfully, grabbing Trowa's arm and dragging him to the door. "Seems like you'll do fine together. We won't tell anyone else, don't worry, until you're comfortable with going public. Bye!" The door closed behind them.
"I think going public is a great idea," Duo said thoughtfully. When I glanced at him, he was smirking. "I have the beginnings of a plan to deal with one Mr Johansson…"
I sighed. "Duo."
He turned to look at me, pouting. "Why? Do you still like him, Hee-chan?" he asked, lower lip trembling. He pulled away from me, turning his back and bowing his head. "I understand…"
"Baka," I muttered affectionately (and I admit, a little anxiously), grabbing Duo back from behind and wrapping my arms around his waist. "Just don't overdo it."
He leaned back against me; head nestled comfortably in the crook of my neck. "You don't mind, do you? Going public?"
"No. Johanssen deserves whatever you do to him. And I want everyone to know that you're mine."
"Possessive, aren't we?"
"Yes, we are."
Duo grinned up at me. "True, true… Hey, wanna hear my plan? Une would kill us after she's done laughing, but it'd be worth it…"
I smiled. I had missed the Duo under the mask. "Fine. I'm listening…"
Eep… I can't believe I wrote so much pure fluffy sap. Sooo… anyone wants the third part? About how Duo, er, deals with Mr Johansson? It's not written yet, so… any ideas? Please? Review onegai!
Oh, yes. If you have time, here's some self-promoting: go and read my other GW fics! Please? [hopeful puppy-eyed look]
And something very important: thank you so much to all those wonderful, lovely people who reviewed the first part of Realizations! [beams] This is dedicated to all of you.
[Ashen Skies][Beautiful Solitude]