THE AUTHORESS TALKS IN HER DRUNKEN STUPOR
HEY! I AM NOT DRUNK!
Reviews for Chapter Nine, Lots of Bold Type

C.C.C.- Oh yeah, I did do that, didn't I... I'm fun to talk to, eh? Muwahaha... If I could talk all I wanted, believe me, you wouldn't think that anymore. You'd be begging me to shut up, because I can talk... A lot.
kaida13- I do live in the United States. Wow. That narrows it down for all them stalker psychos who want to kill me for saying Youko isn't sexy...
kiinu- No, I don't hate long reviews, I just thought it was odd that everybody tells me about anything they want... I guess I kinda do that to... In a way... And I managed to figure out how to get away from making Shadow's bet definite! Come on, don't make me have to think!
Shessha's Crazy- Nice. Well I've never had alcohol. The smell of beer makes me sick.
Bar-Ohki- Well, I actually didn't expect anyone to ask me to stop it... I just kinda put that there to make them feel like they had a say... Erm... Heh, I mean, you're out-voted! And whatever the heck I wrote in that last chapter about them all being drunk, that wasn't what you inspired... You sounded kinda disappointed or something in your review. Were you?
KageYoukai- Nope. Never said what the bet was. This story is probably gonna be at least 12, making it a tie with my longest story, chapter-wise at least... It's already got more reviews, and it's almost as many words, with this chapter added...
Liei- At least you had fireworks on the day. For some stupid reason, here they had the fireworks the day after the 4th, becuase the 4th was on a Sunday. Is that not retarded?
xkuroxshinobix- Yes, I'm continuing the story whether you people liked it or not... Though apparently you wanted me to... ::shifty eyes::
Mika Saito- Oh, God. Don't feel bad for Youko. He doesn't need it. ::is beat with a blunt object::

CHAPTER TEN
Interrogation and Perversion

"Wait... So you expect me to drink this?" Tsume asked, squinting at the odd mixture in the glass he held.

"That's the idea, yes," Youko said dryly.

"But... It looks like something somebody threw up a month ago," Hige added, making a face at his glass.

"And it smells like poison," Toboe whined, holding his nose.

"No it doesn't!" Youko said. "If you think it smells like poison, I'll give you poison, then you can tell me the difference!"

"That won't be necessary," Kiba said, also holding a glass of the offending brownish-red mixture. "So... what's this... er... stuff... supposed to do, anyway?"

"It's supposed to cure your hangovers and any damage the alcohol may have done to your organs. I tested it on Shadow. She's still alive, isn't she?!" Youko said, pointing to the girl who was typing furiously at the computer, duct tape over her mouth.

Tsume walked over and read out loud over her shoulder. "'Youko is a psychotic bastard, my mouth burns really bad and my stomach hurts, but he won't let me tell you this because then you won't drink that shit he's trying to poison you with.' What the heck?!"

"Shadow, you idiot!" Youko snapped.

"I told you it was poison," Toboe muttered to no one in particular.

"Yes, but do you feel better?" Kiba asked Shadow. She glared and pulled off the duct tape.

"I don't feel the stuff as I felt before, but now there's different icky feelings."

"Those are called side effects, Shadow," Youko growled.

"How long are the side effects supposed to last?!" Hige asked.

"I don't know. Shadow was my victim and until hers go away I can't even give an estimate," the fox muttered.

"What the hell kind of medic are you?" Tsume asked. "When you make some kind of weird brown concoction, you don't pour it down peoples' throats until you know exactly what it's going to DO to them!"

"You're the one who read Shadow's typings, Tsume. You should know what it does. She said her mouths burns and her stomach hurts."

"Besides, we're wolves. It might have a different effect on us than it does on some psycho half-breed demon girl..." Kiba said.

"And that could be good or that could be bad," Tsume added.

"FINE! DOES ONE OF YOU WANT TO BE MY LAB RAT?!" Youko yelled.

"No," they all said in unison.

"Use Hige," Tsume said, smirking.

"Why me?!"

"You'll eat anything," Tsume explained simply.

"Well... Except those giant bugs we found in that forest that one time..." Toboe added, thinking.

"Whatever it is, I think I'd rather just keep popping pills than drink this horrible stuff," Tsume muttered.

"FINE!!!" Youko snapped. "Would it make you feel any better if I drank it?"

"If you drink it and survive," Hige said.

"Okay then." Youko grabbed the bottle of mixture and poured some in a glass, then, without pausing to think, he downed it all. Then he slammed it down on the table, coughing. "Oh, shit, that's sick!"

"Oh, that's encouraging," Kiba muttered. "Well?"

"It tastes about as bad as it looks..." Youko muttered without thinking. "I mean... Er..." He coughed. "Shit... Put that stuff down. I almost regret forcing Shadow to drink it..."

"Almost..." Shadow repeated.

"See, you could have caused us all to go through so much pain and suffering just because we feel awful!" Hige said.

"Try to make the next stuff smell better," Toboe said.

"And look better, too, for that matter," Kiba added.

"Yes, your Royaltyness," Youko grumbled, headed back into the basement with his bottle of goop.

"I wonder what was in that stuff," Toboe said.

"Probably something highly unappealing, like bat eyes..." Tsume said. Toboe made a face.

"I thought witches used bat's eyes," Shadow said cluelessly.

"That makes me remember that lady who sent us here..." Tsume said.

"Didn't she say something about bringing us back when we know humans weren't always bad?" Kiba asked.

"I think so," Tsume said. "So shouldn't she have done something by now?"

Shadow was dancing around the dining room table. They all watched her for a minute.

"Well... These people aren't human, remember?" Toboe said.

"Kuwabara is," Hige said.

"Oh, you mean the Kuwabara who is still passed out on the floor in the living room," Tsume stated. "If he's supposed to be the human that's setting the example for us, then that's sad, because even somebody who loves everybody could hate him."

"Someone like me, you mean?" Shadow asked, dancing past and pulling Tsume and Kiba into a big hug.

"Let go!" Tsume snapped.

"But I love everybody!"

"Love Tsume," Kiba muttered, ducking under her arm and out of her grip.

"Okay!" Shadow kissed Tsume on the cheek. Hige and Toboe chuckled.

"How cute," Hige said. Shadow spun on him.

"WATCH IT, CHUBBY!"

"I'm not chubby!"

"Yes you are!"

"What, just because I'm not some muscley ex-gang-leader who wears skanky leather, that makes me chubby?"

"No, because Kiba and Toboe aren't chubby and they don't--"

"Skanky leather?!" Tsume snapped. "I'm sick of being called skanky!"

"You're not skanky, Tsume," Shadow comforted. Tsume raised an eyebrow.

"Why'd you call me skanky then?"

"When'd I do that?"

"When it was just me and Kiba, that first day we got doomed to be stuck with you," Tsume answered.

"Oh yeah! Well you're not skanky, Tsume."

"Aw, how cute... Does Tsume the gangster need to be comforted by his girlfriend? Is he upset? Did the bullies call him names?" Hige taunted.

"YOU'D BETTER WATCH IT, HIGE!" Tsume yelled.

"Ooooh, scary! Mister Big Bad Leather Guy is gonna hurt me!"

"Hige, that's enough!" Shadow said in the tone an old school teacher would use on a little kid who hadn't done his homework in three days. (A/N: God, I'm making school references during summer! Hang me!)

"He's got his girlfriend standing up for him now! Heh heh..."

"HIGE!" Shadow and Tsume snapped at the same time.

"Come on, guys, stop it," Toboe said. "Why are you guys arguing like this all of a sudden?"

"Can't you see, Toboe?" Kiba said slyly. "Hige's just jealous."

"Jealous?! Of what?! Because Mister Skanky-Leather has some psychotic girl clinging to him all the time?"

"Come on, Hige, you know it," Eclipse said, appearing out of nowhere. "You're jealous because Tsume is a chick magnet."

"Chick magnet, yeah right! Shadow's just a whore!"

"HEY!" everybody but Shadow snapped. Shadow wasn't wasting time 'hey'-ing. She just tackled Hige.

"You think I'm a whore, huh? You are one sick little wolf! I am a virgin! How many times have I told people this? Why do people think I'm a whore and a sex goddess and a sex slave owner and a slut and all that stuff? Sure, once or twice I've dressed up all skanky-like and went out to gather fools whose heads I put on sticks in a clearing in the forest and whose bodies I fed to the weasels in the room across the hall, but I've never had sex! Good God! You people are disgusting! Gross! I should add your stupid head to the collection on the spears in the forest just for saying that!"

And now everybody was staring at Shadow. Except Eclipse, who knew all this was a joke, because Shadow often joked about such things... Then again, maybe she wasn't joking... Because she did occasionally vanish for a night... But surely Hiei would know...

"Erm... Shadow..." Kiba started. Shadow was straddling Hige and panting from her screaming rant.

"Shadow, that looks really wrong," Eclipse said bluntly. Shadow was instantly standing three feet away from everyone else.

"I'm going up to my room to maul people," she said cheerfully, and left. Once they were sure she was gone, everybody turned to Eclipse.

"Is any of that true?" Tsume asked.

"I don't think so, but we need to find out for sure. If you think about it, it's possible. I'll ask Hiei, but if he won't fess up, it's time to search the house," Eclipse said. "Which should be fun..."

"Searching this house could be dangerous," Toboe said.

"You're wolves! Come on, you can't be scared!"

"I don't want Shadow to be mad at me..." the kid muttered.

"Fine. What about you three?"

"I'm in," Hige said instantly.

Eventually, all three agreed and Eclipse and Hige went up to ask Hiei about Shadow's story. Er... If they could find him.

"He's probably in Shadow's room, and Shadow's in her room, and then we can't talk to him," Eclipse said.

"Why does Hiei spend so much time in her room? She can't be a virgin. It's practically impossible. Not when she lives with all these guys," Hige said.

"What do you mean by 'all these guys?' Hiei's the only guy who lives here."

"Are you serious? Then what about Youko and Yusuke? And that baka human?"

"Youko takes his human form, which you haven't seen much of, and he lives with his mother and leads a normal 16-year-old boy's life. Yusuke lives with his alcoholic mother, and Kuwabara lives with his sister and... maybe his parents, too, but I've never been to his house, so I don't know. But Youko's the only real threat to Shadow's virginity..."

"If indeed she is a virgin..."

Eclipse went up to Hiei's room first, and surprisingly, he was in there.

"Oi, Hiei! We have to ask you something!" she said, barging into his room.

"EVER HEARD OF KNOCKING?!"

"Right... Sorry. You could have been in here making out with Shadow."

"What?!"

"True or False: Is Shadow a virgin?" Eclipse asked.

"I don't know."

"Are you serious?!"

"Yeah. Well, I mean, I've never had sex with her..." Hiei said.

"Well if you didn't, who would have?!" Hige asked.

"Youko. And she does have a tendency to talk to strangers."

"You're saying maybe she got raped," Eclipse said.

"It's a possibility. She did live in Makai for thirteen-or-so years, too, don't forget that," Hiei said.

"So we have the possibility that Youko knocked her up, and we have the possibility that she went out and raped some guy in the street, and we have the possibility that she got raped by some guy in the street or some freaky demon in Makai when she was thirteen years old," Eclipse said in a monotone.

"Apparently."

"THAT'S JUST NASTY!"

"Why are you asking this all of a sudden? Why don't you ask her? She would know better than I would," Hiei said.

"Well, she says she's a virgin, but if you think about it, doesn't she occasionally vanish for a night? And isn't she a little to casual about guys?"

"Casual?"

"STOP TALKING ABOUT ME!" came Shadow's scream from downstairs. "I'LL COME UP THERE AND PUT YOUR HEAD ON A STICK!"

"Maybe she does have the entire house bugged," Hige muttered.

"Hiei, have you done anything to her to make her want to bug the entire house? Like brought in a prostitute you met on the street?" Eclipse asked. "Naughty, naughty."

"Eclipse Shinomori! I don't associate with prostitutes, let alone bring them home with me!"

"Who knows. You could be living with one," Hige said.

"GOD DAMN YOU PEOPLE, YOU ARE BACK-STABBING ASSHOLES!" Shadow screamed. "MOSTLY YOU, ECLIPSE!"

"Gee, thanks. Well, Hiei, thank you for your help in this investigation," Eclipse said, bowing. "Let's go." She pulled Hige out into the hall and whispered, "We'd better run down the stairs. Shadow's probably waiting for us, so we've gotta get past her unharmed."

"Oh... That's a pleasant thought..." Hige said. Eclipse ran down the stairs with the brown wolf beside her, and yes, Shadow was waiting for them, and she tore down the stairs after them, through the house, out into the yard, and tackled Eclipse.

"So you're conducting an investigation, huh? Can't just take my word for it, huh? Some friend you are!"

"Well, it is kinda suspicious..."

"Snarl."

"What, snarl!? You said it yourself that you dress up like a slut and go out in public!"

"WHO WANTS A FIFTEEN-YEAR-OLD HOOKER?!"

"Well, people rape fifteen-year-olds..."

"That's different, fool," Shadow snapped. "Now I demand that you stop this at once."

"Well, I'll just talk to Youko, then I'll stop."

"You'd better."

And Eclipse was secretly thinking, "Yeah, then I'll search your house, then I'll search the forest around your house, and..."

"I will, I promise! I won't talk to anybody else about the unverifiable fact that you are a virgin," she said.

"IT'S NOT UNVERIFIABLE, YOU FOOL! CAN'T YOU TAKE MY WORD FOR IT? HAVE I EVER HAD A KID OR BEEN PREGNANT OR GONE TO A HOSPITAL?"

"Not in the time that I've known you..."

"ECLIPSE SHINOMORI I HATE YOU!!"

Meanwhile, Hige was sitting nearby watching, doing nothing to intervene. Tsume was standing on the porch, leaning against one of the posts, watching curiously.

"Okay, hate me all you want from anywhere outside a three foot radius, please!" Eclipse said, struggling out from under Shadow and running into the house at full speed. Shadow spotted Tsume.

"Tsume, you'd better not be a part of this," she warned.

"Of course I'm not," he said innocently.

"Ri-i-i-i-i-ight... Well, I'm getting back to my video games, everybody! If I hear anything else questioning my virginity, I shall kill you all," Shadow said cheerfully. "Goodbye!" She skipped into the house.

"You're such a liar," Hige muttered, walking past Tsume.

"It hasn't caught up to me yet," the white-haired man said, shrugging.

"'Yet' is a very dangerous three-letter word," Kiba said, standing just inside the door. "If Shadow finds out, I'm sure it'll be worse than if every other person you've ever lied to ganged up on you."

"You're exaggerating, Kiba," Tsume said.

Meanwhile, down in the basement, Youko was standing there with goggled on, measuring something into his mixture with an eyedropper.

"Hey Youko!" Eclipse said, hopping into the room. Youko jumped and sent the entire eyedropper spurting into the mixture.

"ECLIPSE, LOOK WHAT YOU DID! NOW YOU'RE GONNA BE MY LAB RAT TO SEE IF THIS STUFF YOU JUST SCREWED UP IS STILL SAFE! COME HERE!"

"I'd really rather not..." Eclipse muttered.

"WHY DID YOU COME DOWN HERE?!"

"I wanted to ask you if you'd ever had sex with Shadow."

"You mean you screwed up my careful and precise mixture just to ask me if I've ever screwed that stupid stubborn fire-girl?! ISN'T THE ANSWER OBVIOUS?!"

"Well I figured that she wouldn't tell me if you had, so I'd ask you."

"NO!!! NOW GET LOST AND CLOSE THE DOOR ON YOUR WAY OUT!"

"Okay." Eclipse walked out, unaffected by Youko's psychotic behavior, and closed the door on her way out. She walked up to the dining room where three wolves were sitting and waiting for her report.

"He says 'NO!!!'" Eclipse did a perfect imitation of the fox.

"Go figure. We heard," Kiba said, one hand over his ear.

"So are we searching the house now?" Eclipse asked hopefully.

"We'll do it!" Hige volunteered excitedly. "As wolves, we're less suspicious."

Tsume stared at him. "You can search her house by yourself, if you think you're gonna put all the blame on me!"

"You agreed to be in this!"

"Yes, well that was before you said the wolves would search the house."

"Why are you searching the house?" Hiei asked curiously, walking into the room.

"We're gonna see if we can find anything to prove Shadow isn't a virgin," Hige said. Tsume groaned.

"Sure, tell the world. He does live here, you know. Don't you think he might feel a little more loyalty to Shadow than we do?"

"Who could feel loyal to Shadow? She's a nut!"

"Hige, just because she's more open about her insanity than the rest of us doesn't mean she's any more insane than the rest of us," Hiei said in a psychiatrist's comforting tone.

"God, you sound like you know what you're talking about!" Hige said.

"I don't," Hiei said simply, smiling.

"Ah."

There was a pause, then a really obsolete light bulb lit up above Eclipse's head, flickered a few times, then glowed long enough for her to tell them her idea.

"Hey Hiiiiiiiiiiiei..." she said slyly, smirking. "If you're loyal to Shadow, then she'd be loyal and trust you more than us, the conspirers. You could easily get in her room and snoop through her closets, couldn't you..."

"Hey, I don't want any part of this! The only person who's gonna be left alive in this house is Youko!"

"Oh, I doubt it. He's down there mixing chemicals and stuff. He'll probably blow himself up.

"... Gur."

"'Gur?'"

"Yes, 'gur.' Well, if you really want us all to die, I'll go snoop through Shadow's closets."

"Yay! Thank you Hiei!"

"I honestly don't see what's so important about this, though... Don't you all have hangovers to get rid of?"

"PILLS ARE GOOD!" Eclipse cheered, thrusting her fist into the air.

"Oh... So... What would I be looking for in her closets?"

"STUFF! LIKE HOOKER OUTFITS!"

"You know what, this is ridiculous, Eclipse. Just stop it, or I'll have Youko give me some of his memory drugs and you'll all forget about this entire thing," Hiei said coldly.

"YOU REALIZE, THIS MEANS WAR!!!" Eclipse shouted.

"And stop quoting Bugs Bunny."

Eclipse walked away with slouched shoulders, grumbling and mumbling about the entire thing.

"Sooo... We're not searching the house?" Hige asked.

"Apparently not, Hige," Tsume said, getting up.

"Damn."

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

I don't own Bugs Bunny. Now, I know this chapter was horribly wrong...
Yeah... My mom was talking to me about my writings, and she asked if I'd ever had a bad review, and I said I'd had like, three or five or something, and she's like, "I'll just have to read those. They can't be all that great." OH. MY. GOD. SHE CANNOT DO THAT. She would HANG ME. ::bawling:: I cuss and talk about sex and drugs and being drunk and talk about perverted stuff and when she said that I instantly thought of this chapter (which, totally off topic, I did not proof read, really, so there was mistakes, I'm sure), and she would kill me, kill me, KILL ME!!! ::hides in a hole in the ground with a Shonen Jump magazine over her head:: Don't hurt me!