THE AUTHORESS HAS DIED
LONG LIVE THE AUTHORESS
WAIT... WAIT... SHE'S STILL BREATHING...
dammit.
Reviews for Chapter Eleven, Going Home?
Just Another Person- Glad you like my story... I'd have people "wolf-nap" Tsume, only I'm starting to wrap up this story, so... Maybe in another story.
kiinu- You gave your mom a wedgie?! God... I would be dead if I even tried that... I wouldn't even want to though. X.X
C.C.C.- Teddy Bears are not my weakness... ::smile:: Bet you can't guess what is... ::points to two wolf calendars and a whale poster on the walls of her bedroom, and the inch-thick 'Encyclopedia of the Horse' book on the shelf::
Shessha's Crazy- You know, this kid I sat next to in science told me he sold his homework on E-Bay but never got the money for it.
Bar-Ohki- For some reason my email review alert thing didn't work so I didn't read your review until just now or I would've added dancing hyenas... Maybe in the next chapter? And yes, you're right. They have aboslutely no respect for anybody, even Koenma, and yes, he is too old for a pacifier.
Kitty2satan- It probably sounds original because it is. I rarely get ideas from anywhere other than whatever is festering and floating around in the empty brain cavity in my skull...
Draikitha- I think I read the lyrics to the doom song that Gir sings, but I totally forget who Gir is, because I never saw it before... And my mother doesn't think very highly of anything Japanese... Anime, manga, Godzilla... Some Godzilla movie was on the Sci-Fi channel once and my mother was watching it to pick apart how it could be symbolic of Japan destroying America because they're still pissed about World War 2. She's nuts.
phycotic person- White Jacket People... Scary... ::zones out and gets caught in a butterfly net:: Ooooooo...
Black Cat- ::stares:: You write long, scary reviews... ::hides::
CHAPTER TWELVE
A Rather Long Chapter
"I bet I can beat you at chess," Shadow said. Tsume opened one eye to look at her. She was standing above him with the chess board in one hand and the bag of pieces in the other.
"I doubt it," he said.
"You wanna prove that?"
"I suppose there's no point in saying no..."
Shadow happily set up the chess board on one of the poker tables that was constantly set up in the living room. Tsume dragged himself off the couch and sat in the chair Shadow hadn't occupied.
"You go first!" Shadow said, smiling. Tsume yawned before taking the first move.
Well, Shadow was beat in about five minutes. She glared for a second before challenging the wolf to a game or ten of poker.
Hiei came wandering down the stairs a bit later.
"You know, we've had no word from Koenma for a week," he said randomly, dropping onto the couch.
"Who cares?" Shadow asked. "I don't want them to leave."
"I'm neutral, as usual," Hiei said. "Once they leave, I'm sure there'll be some other lunatic you want to bring into the house for half a month or so until we can heal his wounds or get him back to his own time or planet or dimension..."
"Yeah, she's just a saint, ain't she," Yusuke said in a disgruntled sort of way from the dining room.
"What's your problem, Yusuke? You sound mad," Shadow said, losing yet again to Tsume's superior poker playing skills... Though it doesn't take much to be superior to Shadow... As I'm sure you can tell.
"I'm not mad, I'm disgruntled. God. Can't you read?"
"Ummmm... Read what?"
"Never mind."
"Well, Tsume, I've lost to you about as many times as I will permit, therefore, I'm going to my room!" Shadow said cheerfully. She ran up the stairs, then down the hall, making a wrong turn and slamming into the wall.
"Ow! Dammit, who put a wall there?!" she snapped, kicking it. Then she shrugged and headed for the stairs. She went all the way up to the attic (fourth floor, not really an attic...) for no apparent reason.
Meanwhile, there was a knock on the front door downstairs.
"Yusuke, answer the door. If it's somebody we don't know, call down Shadow," Hiei ordered.
Yusuke, grumbling in his disgruntled sort of way, got up and went to the door. He pulled it open. There was a group of people standing on the porch.
"Do you know us?" he asked dryly.
"Jaganshi?" one of the people said, reading off a paper.
"Not me, but they live here."
"We're from the church."
Shadow came flying down the stairs screaming. "WE GOTTA BURN DOWN THE HOUSE! KIBA'S GOT A MONSTER IN HIS ROOM! AHH-Oh? Oh! Who're these people?"
"They're with the church," Yusuke said.
"GET OFF MY PORCH BEFORE I FEED YOU TO THE ANGRY RABID WEASEL MINIONS OF DOOM!!!" Shadow screamed. "I DON'T DONATE MONEY AND I DON'T WANT TO JOIN YOUR CHURCH! THANK YOU FOR VISITING, HAVE A NICE DAY!" She slammed the door in their faces.
"One of these days, you'll do that to the wrong person," Hiei said.
"So? They can't do anything to me."
"Well maybe not those people, but you'll piss off some psycho and I won't be around to rescue you and you'll get SHOT!" Hiei snapped.
"Oh well! Stupidity is the ultimate risk. You choose to be stupid and someday you'll regret it. Then again, you could be smart and be nosy and piss them off just as easily, and they'd shoot you TWICE! Muwahahahaha!!!"
"Yeah, I bet, Shadow..." Hiei muttered.
"So what was that you were saying about Kiba having a monster in his room?" Yusuke asked.
"There's a MONSTER IN HIS ROOM! WE HAVE TO BURN DOWN THE HOUSE! WE HAVE TO CAPTURE IT AND BURN IT AT THE STAKE AND SHOOT IT WITH A SILVER ATOM BOMB AND... AND... A LOT OF OTHER SHIT!"
"Sure whatever Shadow. What is it, exactly?"
"It's... Eclipse..."
"Since when was Eclipse a monster?" Hiei asked.
"Since she was in KIBA'S ROOM and I WALKED IN ON THEM MAKING OUT!"
"What?!" Hiei said.
"Hey, I about ran over a group of disgruntled nuns on the way here," Eclipse said, looking over her shoulder as she walked in the front door. "Any idea what--"
"YOU IDIOT, YOU JUST SCREWED IT UP!" Shadow screamed. Eclipse jumped.
"What?!"
"I HAD THEM BELIEVING YOU WERE MAKING OUT WITH KIBA! YOU SCREWED IT UP! YOU BASTARD!"
"Bastard...?" Eclispe said cluelessly. "Hey! I wasn't making out with Kiba!"
"No SHIT, Sherlock! But they weren't supposed to know that!"
"Shadow, you're an airhead," Hiei said. "I'm gonna go play pool."
"With who?" Yusuke asked.
"Hige's down there, I think."
"Have fun!" Shadow squealed, hugging him. "I'll miss you!"
"Erm... Okay..." Hiei said, quickly exiting the room.
"You're nuts, you know that?" Eclipse said.
"Shut up, wolf-maker-outer-with! Don't tell me what to do!"
"Umm... First off... I wasn't making out with a wolf... That was you... And second... I wasn't telling you what to do..."
"Shut up! Don't try to sound smarter than me! It's not allowed! You cannot be superior to the great lord and master, Shadow Jaganshi!" Shadow jumped up on a chair with her hands on her hips and her head tilted in such a way that it made her look like she was attempting to look like Superman or some other such superhero. Yusuke and Eclipse stared.
"Erm... Okay."
Shadow jumped off the chair and ran out of the room with her arms out to her sides, acting like she was an airplane, making the noises to go with it.
"So... How was your day?" Eclipse asked in an attempt to block out Shadow.
"Oh... Just... Dandy," Yusuke muttered. He walked out the front door.
"Hey! Don't leave me alone here! Where are you going?!" Eclipse yelped.
"Dunno."
"Curse you, you half-human mudscum!"
"MUDSCUM!" Shadow screamed suddenly. "Mudscum, mudscum, mudscum."
"Dammit," Eclipse muttered.
"What's a mudscum?" Shadow asked.
"Poo."
"POO IS MUDSCUM, MUDSCUM IS POO! Did you know that 'mudscum' is spelled the same both ways?"
"Ummm... No it isn't."
"YES IT IS! M-P-U-FOO-LA-MAHHA-SEE! SEE-MAHHA-LA-FOO-U-P-M! U-P-M! UP M! UP 'EM!!! Up what? Up the butt? Up the nose? Oh say can you see, by the sun in the sky, if the cloud covers it, are we all gonna die! Ha ha ha, I just made that up! Pretty good, eh? Wooooo!!! Bjjjjjjjjjzzzzzzfffffrrrrrrnnnnnneeeellllllgggggernogle!"
Shadow was now running in circles like an airplane again. She jumped up on the chair she'd been on before, saluting to a small white moth on the ceiling.
"YES, SIR! I SHALL SERVE YOU AND DIE FOR YOU AND THE CAUSE AND THE COUNTRY! DO NOT WORRY YOUR LITTLE BUGGY-WUGGY EYEBALLS OUT! THAT'S NOT HEALTHY!" She jumped off the chair and crawled under the table, pulling an invisible walkie-talkie out of her pocket and talking into it, making the noises like the static between the two different voices she used to talk to herself with.
"Shhht! Come in, Alpha Omega Shi! Come in, Alpha Omega Shi! This is Mega Beta Shoe! I repeat, come in, Alpha Omega Shi! Are you there, Alpha Omega-- Shhht! This is Alpha Omega Shi! Mega Beta Shoe, we're surrounded! There's no hope! We're outnumbered five to one! Tell my wife I love her! Gaaaaaack! Shhht! Alpha Omega Shi! Don't give up! I don't even know who your wife is! What is her name? Where can I find her?! Shhht! Her name is Eclipse Shinomori. She's standing by the table you're under. I'm going to die here, covered in mud! Shhht! MUDSCUM! Shhht! Mega Beta Shoe, you must tell her... Tell her..."
Shadow rolled out from under the table and jumped up on the chair, saluting to Eclipse.
"YOUR HUSBAND, CODENAME ALPHA OMEGA SHI, HAS DIED AND HE WANTED ME TO TELL YOU HE LOVES YOU, AND THAT HE DIED SURROUNDED AND WITHOUT PUTTING UP A FIGHT, LIKE A PITIFUL COWARD! HE IS NOW LYING IN A BIG PUDDLE OF MUDSCUM SOMEWHERE IN SOME SECLUDED JUNGLE IN THE MIDDLE OF SOME REMOTE ISLAND AND NOBODY SURVIVED AND NOBODY WILL FIND HIS BODY AND HE WILL HAVE NO SORT OF BURIAL WHATSOEVER AND ONLY I KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM, SO NOW HIS MURDERERS WILL COME AFTER ME! MY TIME ON THIS CHAIR IS LIMITED!" She made the sound of a gunshot and clutched at her chest, pulling paintbrush out of her pocket and painting a big red splotch over her heart before falling off the chair (literally, falling backwards off the chair).
"Oh my God, I'm going to die here on the wood floor of this bleach-reeking house and nobody is around to save me! I must... call... somebody..." She pulled out her imaginary walkie-talkie. "Google-Eyes Fourteen, this is Mega Beta Shoe! Google-Eyes Fourteen, this is Mega Beta Shoe! Come in, please! I'm dying! I've been shot in the heart by a sniper as I told the gruesome story of Alpha Omega Shi's sudden and cowardly demise! Please! Come in! GOOGLE-EYES FOURTEEN, DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU!"
Shadow then made a great show of twitching and having a mock-seizure and gagging and flinging red paint everywhere and screaming and clutching her chest and jumping up and stumbling around gasping before she finally collapsed onto the chair she'd been standing on, throwing herself down into it so hard it tipped over backwards and she was dumped out onto the floor, panting despite the fact that she was supposed to be dead.
Tsume, Eclipse, Hiei, Hige, Toboe, and Kiba had gathered to watch, dropping whatever they'd been doing before to see what the hell the deal was with this psycho.
Shadow laid in the same position for the rest of the day, the chair still tipped over next to her, red paint permanently staining her shirt and skin, even though it's washable...
However, despite her lying still, she still sang.
"I wish I were an Oscar Meyer wiener," she was singing tunelessly when Hiei passed by her to go outside. (A/N: Don't own it...)
"Team by team reporters baffled, trumped, tethered cropped. Look at that low playing! Fine, then. Uh oh, overflow, population, common food, but it'll do. Save yourself, serve yourself. World serves its own needs, listen to your heart bleed dummy with the rapture and the revered and the right, right!" she sang slowly as Eclipse passed by the doorway. (A/N: Don't own that either.)
Hiei came back inside to a muffled chorus of, "Home, home on the range, where the deer and the antelopes play..." He stood above her for a moment until she changed her song.
"Ah... machi kado, Nagareru hitonami ni, Ima sakarau you ni, Aruiteku hitori, Tooi hibi miushinatta, Taisetsu na ano egao o, Mune ni kizande..." (A/N: Own 'em? Nope.)
Hiei groaned. "Must you?"
Shadow kept singing. He walked away muttering.
Nobody bothered her until they wanted dinner. When subtle hinting didn't work (Eclipse walking by Shadow and randomly saying, "Boy, I'm hungry."), the hungry-and-"completely-helpless" group said it more directly (Hiei squatting down next to the still-singing Shadow and saying, "We want you to fix dinner, Shadow. Get up now and snap to it."). However, when an hour had passed with subtle hints and out rightly blurting it having no effect, and it was already around seven thirty and there were nine stomachs to fill (why do people swarm to Shadow's house for dinner?), Hiei and Yusuke grabbed her by the arms and forced her to stand up (also making her recital of "A Pirate's Life For Me" turn into a more of a whiney screech than a song, A/N: Don't own it, like I've said already), then dragged her into the kitchen.
"Shadow, Fix Dinner Now Before I Control Your Mind Again," Hiei said, pronouncing each syllable clearly. Shadow blinked.
"Töte mich und iss mein Hirn!!!"
"I don't speak German..." Hiei said dryly.
"Gott weiß ich will kein Engel sein..." Shadow said.
Hiei sighed. "Fix dinner, dammit."
Shadow laughed. "They're from songs! Jeez... Go listen to Rammstein." (A/N: Don't own and have no affiliation...)
"I don't speak German..." Hiei repeated. "Listening to the music won't help me understand it..."
"Well, the first one was something like, 'Kill me and eat my brain,'" Shadow said thoughtfully, getting a horrified look from Yusuke and completely ignoring it. "And I think the second one was like... 'God knows I don't want to be an angel.' Rammstein is screwed up... The lyrics are, at least, but it's good music..."
(A/N: Yes, Rammstein is a good band, it's German heavy metal or something, but if you speak German or find the lyrics translated, you probably will not like them... They've got a lot worse stuff in their songs than "Kill me and eat out my brain.")
"Fix dinner and stop talking about eating brains! I'm hungry and I might just go ahead and do that!" Yusuke snapped.
"Wouldn't be much there, Yusuke," Hiei muttered.
"THEN I'LL EAT YOUR BRAIN!"
"Ahhhhh!!!" Hiei yelled, running out of the room as Yusuke chased him.
"That's odd... I thought I was supposed to be the psycho who threatened to eat people's brains..." Shadow said cluelessly as Hiei and Yusuke sped by the doorway. Then she shrugged and started searching the cabinets and fridge for something enough to fill ten peoples' stomachs.
Not going into details of how or what they ate, as I've done that twice... They've all experienced Shadow's and Eclipse's frightening eating habits...
People seemed to have forgotten about (or chosen to block the memory of) Shadow's little... display... by the next day... Shadow was being her normal self, if normal can be used in the same sentence as Shadow without saying she "IS NOT NORMAL."
Since they still had no word from Koenma, and they'd tired of playing poker, chess, and whatever other game they'd been playing, Shadow made a wonderful proposal that evening.
"Hey! I just had a grand idea! Let's start a fire!"
"Shadow, how about we don't..." Kiba said.
"No, you goon! I mean, like, a campfire, like in a fire ring or whatever Smoker the Bear says you should do with it! Out in the backyard!" Shadow said cheerfully, already headed for the door. "Tell somebody to tell everybody else. Or you could go ahead and tell everyone else and save somebody all that trouble."
Shadow danced out the front door and around to the back of the house. She made some kind of crappy makeshift fire ring (not like she'd have any problem controlling the fire), threw some wood in it, and ran back inside to get just about anything that's edible when impaled on a stick and shoved into a raging fire (hot dogs, marshmallows, etc).
Then she dragged a bunches of logs out of the forest to act as benches, situated them around the fire, and lit the logs with her wonderful fire demon skills. When everybody else came out, they found her doing some odd chant and dancing in circles around the fire.
"Shadow, don't do that," Eclipse commanded dryly, grabbing a hot dog and stabbing it with a roasty thingy. Shadow danced by just as she went to put it into the fire, and the idiot girl was stabbed in the leg.
"BLOODY MURDER!" she screamed, hopping around. "DAMN YOU, YOU MESSED UP MY SNAKE CHARMING DANCE!"
"I don't think that dance could charm anything, not even a snake, and that's only if you can call it a dance," Tsume muttered.
"You'd better watch it, Mighty Wearer of Tight Black Leather! When a psychotic poisonous snake comes along and bites your leg for no apparent reason, it'll be YOU who'll regret saying that," Shadow said, pointing accusingly. Tsume shrugged and sat in the grass at the edge of the firelight.
"Nice. Sit in the grass where a snake can reach you even easier..." Eclipse muttered.
"What, you think her so-called 'dance' actually worked?!"
"You never know..." Eclipse said, sounding mysterious.
"Yeah, well you can make a pretty educated guess, and my guess is that she was just being an idiot, like usual," Tsume said.
"What's got you in such a pissy mood?!" Shadow asked, putting her hands on her hips and glaring.
"LOOK OUT, IT'S A SNAKE!" Yusuke shouted, pointing towards Shadow's feet. She jumped up and clung to Kurama's neck.
"Ahhhhhh! It wants to kill me, mommy! Save me!!"
Yusuke fell off the log-bench laughing. Shadow then realized he'd just pulled a trick on her and she'd fallen for it. She lunged at him and kicked him in the stomach.
"You were the one doing the supposed 'snake charming dance,' Shadow," Hige pointed out. "Why would you want to bring in snakes if you're scared of them?"
Shadow finished pummeling Yusuke and glared at Hige. "I'm not scared of anything, you dumb wolf! Do I look like the type of person who scares easily?!"
Hige looked Shadow over, her silver-marked black hair, her red eyes and pale skin, her black tank top, the silver chains she happened to be wearing around her wrists and neck, her baggy black jeans, down to her steel-toed black boots. Then he looked her over again, taking in a few more details. Everybody watched either Shadow, standing with her arms crossed, or Hige, staring at her as she stood with her arms crossed.
"No, you don't," he answered finally.
"See! Idiot."
"But everybody can get scared. I bet I can find out what you're scared of."
"You go ahead and try to guess. If you guess right, I'll confirm it," Shadow said. "But it'll take a while, so you'd better start now."
With that, she sat down next to Hiei and impaled a marshmallow on a stick. And Hige took her advice, sitting down on her other side.
"You're afraid of snakes."
"Nope."
"Hm... Spiders?"
"No."
"Cats."
"No."
"Death?"
"No."
"Blood?"
"Hardly."
"Um... Mice?"
"No."
"Rats?"
"Nope."
"The dark?"
Shadow laughed.
"Youko?"
"I got over that."
"Foxes?"
"No."
"Lions? Tigers? Bears?"
"Nope, no, and huh-uh."
"Me?"
"No."
"Tsume?"
"Tsume's awesome."
"Bright lights?"
"No."
"Lunatics?"
"HA."
"Dogs?"
"Noooope."
"Horses? Dolphins? Hamsters? Llamas?"
"LLAMA!!! I love llamas."
"So is that a no on the rest?"
"Yes, it's a no."
"Damn. Are you afraid of Hell?"
"No."
"Heaven?"
"Noo."
"Sex?"
"No..."
"Virginity?"
"I am a virgin, stupid! Why would I be afraid of virginity? How is virginity a scary thing? How is Heaven or sex a scary thing?"
"I dunno. How about dragons? Are you scared of dragons?"
"Not scared of the Kokoryuu-ha..."
"Is that a dragon?"
"Hai."
"Okay. What about criminals? Scared of them?"
Everybody soon learned to block out Hige as Shadow carried on conversations with all of them, her dialogue scattered with 'no' randomly as Hige continued to guess. He guessed everything from the sun to the Bible to guns to telephones and everything in between, getting a 'no' on each one. Even as Shadow and Eclipse sang campfire songs after dark, Shadow continued answering him each time he guessed.
"God?"
"Kum-bay-yah, My NOOO, Kum-Bay-Yah..."
He'd been guessing for at least half an hour, had to have named at least one hundred or more things and gotten a negative on all of them. It was dark and the brown wolf Toboe was curled up near the fire that Tsume had finally gotten nearer as it got cooler. Shadow stared at him idly, saying a bored-sounding "Nope" to Hige every few seconds, when she suddenly had an idea.
"Hey! I'm gonna go get the tents. We're spending the night out here," she said, smiling and standing up. Hiei had been resting against her shoulder and when she stood up, he fell off the log.
"What?" Eclipse mumbled, blinking her eyes open from where she'd fallen asleep against Kurama.
"We're campin' under the stars tonight, kids!" Shadow announced loudly. She ran inside before anyone could object. About ten minutes later, she came back with five tents folded up and held above her head.
"Two people to a tent, unless somebody wants to sleep in the grass!" she said, dropping the tents onto the ground.
"Sleeping outside! You're afraid of sleeping outside without a tent!" Hige guessed randomly.
"Nooo..." Shadow said, staring in a confused sort of way. She shook her head. "Anyway, somebody come here and help me set up these tents!"
After the tents were set up and Shadow was talking excitedly and still denying every one of Hige's guesses, Tsume stood up and started towards the house.
"Sleeping outside might be something unusual for you," he said to Shadow. "But I do it all the time. I'm going inside."
"There's one problem with that," Shadow said.
"What?"
"I closed and locked all the windows and doors. The only key not locked inside the house is right here. And now..." She held up the key. Then she put her hand in her shirt. "And now, it's in my bra. So there's no way you're getting it."
"Do you think I don't know how to pick a lock?" Tsume said, keeping his voice steady despite the fact that he was pretty sure there was probably "one problem with that" as well.
"Not the lock on my doors. There's no way a wolf would have enough knowledge to open one of those, no matter how many other locks he's picked in his life," Shadow said, smirking. "So, unless you're planning on attacking me in my sleep and tearing off all my clothes, you're not getting back in the house!" She finished cheerfully despite the rather odd and un-cheerful topic she'd just mentioned.
"You're nuts," Tsume muttered, but he sulked back to the campfire without testing her door lock theory.
"Mirrors!" Hige guessed hopefully when Shadow followed Tsume back.
"Disturbing things, those, but no."
"Man! What are you scared of!?"
"You have to guess."
Hige groaned. "Anybody want to help me out, here? Hiei?"
"Sorry pal. Even I don't know," Hiei answered, ducking into one of the tents.
"Kurama? Do you know?"
"No clue, Hige," Kurama replied, also going into one of the tents. Shadow followed Hiei into his tent, Eclipse went into an empty tent, leaving two tents empty for Yusuke, Kuwabara, and the four wolves.
"Okay, somebody's gonna have to sleep with Eclipse and Kurama if we're all gonna fit in the tents," Yusuke said.
Tsume groaned and lay down next to Toboe by the fire. Kiba followed his example. Hige sat there looking thoughtful. Yusuke and Kuwabara went into their separate tents. And, in that manner, they all spent the night.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Yeah, about the German quotes from Rammstein songs, I'm fairly certain I got the right lines with the right line of the translation, but being as I don't speak German (even thought I'm over one fourth German), I'm not sure.
Oh, and I want to know what you think Shadow is scared of. I'm not asking because of my usual reason, my "I DON'T KNOW, DAMMIT, YOU THINK FOR ME!" I'm just curious as to what you think. You'll know if you're right, I'll reveal it next chapter.
This story now has 131 reviews, I think, and with this chapter will be tied for number of chapters and over the number of words in the Bishie Abduction story (but I had a sudden genius revelation, a lot of words in these chapters are my notes at the ends of the chapters and my replies to your reviews, so... This story without the stuff, I opened it and did word count in Microsoft Word, it's 32,841, 71-and-a-half pages... That's pretty long, isn't it...