THOU AUTHORESS SPAKE
Reviews for Chapter Twelve, A Rather Long Chapter
kaida13- You are a scary person. Have a gold star. You're the only one to guess one correctly.
C.C.C.- You must really like that story... ::is plotting ways to steal the overly large stuffed animals:: Stealing (and other criminal offenses) is okay, so long as you don't get caught...
Draikitha- Acting camp?! Do you have to... like... act or something there? Lol.
kiinu- Care bears are going to take of some small third world country, like India, and break Saddam Hussein out of prison to help take over the world. God, I'm good at making up those kinds of things (conspiracy theories, is that what they're called?) just off the top of my head.
Wild Roses- Normal people are scary creatures... But... There's no such thing as normal. I mean, if you'd ask me what normal is, I'd say, "I'M NORMAL AND EVERYONE ELSE IS NUTS!" But maybe that's just cuz by society's definition, I'm insane.
Black Cat- Autopsy on a dead squirrel. ::sobs:: GRIEVE FOR THE POOR CRITTER! Who's Chubby?
Bar-Ohki- Where exactly do you come up with these random insane things? About hyenas dancing and Shadow hitting raccoons with sea otters? Oh, did you notice I visited your place of insanty? :)
Kitty2satan- Heh heh. In order for somebody to be the complete opposite of Shadow, he'd have to be some rich stuck-up snot obsessed with manners and such stuff.
Just Another Person- Yes. Tsume is the Mighty Wearer of Tight Black Leather and if I ever met him, I'd worship him and his tight-black-leatherness.
Abanasinia- Well, I wouldn't say Rammstein's lyrics are insane... More like perverted... Every single song is about sex or something. But they're awesome so long as you don't speak German fluently... has all their lyrics in German and English)
Would the owner of a green Mustang parked... ::pauses:: Disregard that. I'll just steal it-- er... I mean... I'll... erm... Hey look! A pink elephant! ::runs away:: (that was random. It just popped into my head... like... "would the owner of a green Mustang parked in the fire lane please move it?")
Have you noticed that the chapter names in this story are as strange and random as the story itself? I do that on purpose. Cuz I don't wanna give anybody any clue as to what the chapter may be about... There's like... three chapters that have titles that might give away what it's about...
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
Froggy Where!?
Koenma came back the next day around noon and went to Shadow's door, as usual (he'd stopped poofing into the house when he'd accidentally appeared and scared Shadow so bad she chased him with a frying pan and a torch all the way to the other side of the city, howling insults in a dozen different languages all the way). However, he found it locked, which was extremely and highly UNusual.
He knocked. "Hey Shadow! Hiei! Anyone home?" That door is never locked, not even when nobody's home. Maybe... Something bad had happened, or they were all being held hostage, or Shadow was in there having sex with a wolf while Hiei wasn't home! Koenma groaned at that thought. Sicko. But the possibility remains...
"Hey Shadow!"
He stood there knocking on the door for a minute or two before he finally gave up. He wouldn't poof inside. If Shadow was in there having sex with somebody, not necessarily a wolf, maybe Youko'd finally managed to convince Shadow, and if he had, Koenma didn't want to poof in there and see anything like that occurring, because then he'd have two really pissed off tantei, not to mention the damage it would do to his virgin eyes...
With these thoughts in mind, he turned to leave and came face to face with leather-clad Tsume.
"AUGH! My God, don't do that! You scared the crap out of me!" Koenma said, his hand over his heart.
"Don't worry, his face could scare anyone," Yusuke said, on the stairs behind Tsume. He went sprawling onto the grass, however, when Tsume swung his arm back casually and knocked him in the side of the face while acting like he was just stretching.
"Stupid wolf," Yusuke muttered. Tsume glared. "I mean, O Mighty Wolf, I beg forgiveness for my insults to you and your kind!"
"Good," Tsume said dryly, just saying the word to acknowledge he'd heard Yusuke and brush him aside at the same time as he turned back to Koenma. "So what brings you back here, pacifier face?"
"Where's the rest of my tantei?" Koenma asked.
"They died," Tsume said.
"What?!"
"Might as well have with the way they're sleeping..." Kurama said, leaning against the side of the house where nobody had noticed him because of some rose bush or something growing between him and them. Kiba and Toboe came around the corner or the house a moment later.
"It's no use. Shadow sleeps like the dead, and Hiei went and vanished off into the woods," Kiba said.
"Looks like we're stuck out here for another few hours," Toboe said.
"Unless we have a volunteer to grope her," Yusuke muttered. "Of course, then she'd wake up and kill us all."
"Grope her?! What the hell? Where is Shadow?" Koenma asked.
"Shadow, Eclipse, and Kuwabara are sleeping in tents in the backyard," Tsume said. "She forced us all to sleep outside and she put the only key to the house in her bra. We don't wanna go after it for fear of an early death."
"Oh... I'll go wake her up," Koenma said confidently. He walked past the mob of people and around to the back of the house, where he called out to the general public.
"Hey everyone! Food!"
Hige jumped up from his place by the fire that had burned out as soon as Shadow and Hiei had fallen asleep. "Food?"
"FOOD?!" Eclipse shouted at the same time, jumping up inside her tent, knocking her head off the top, falling against the side and knocking it over. Kuwabara did just about the same thing, only he thrashed a lot more and put holes through his tent until he was wearing it like some odd piece of clothing. Eclipse was more intelligent (A/N: Oh my God, what did I just say?!) and managed to somehow crawl out of the opening and bound up to Koenma like a dog, drooling, her tongue lolling out of her mouth.
"Food? Where's food? Foodfoodfood!!!"
However, the most desired effect didn't work.
Shadow rolled over in her sleep. "Go to Hell. I'm not fixing dinner again..." She snorted and continued sleeping.
"Sooo... We're stuck out in the yard until we can wake her up?" Koenma said to generally anyone who'd reply. Eclipse was still drooling and begging like a dog, jumping around in a manner more suited to a bunny rabbit than a dog.
"That's right," Kurama said.
"Where's Hiei?"
"I told you, he went off into the woods somewhere," Kiba reminded him.
"Damn."
"You might as well tell us why you came here," Tsume said. "We're not going to get through to Shadow. She sleeps like a corpse."
"Well, I came to tell you that I know what you guys have to do to make the portal work. I tried a million tests on the portal to see if there was anything wrong with it, and there isn't. There's something wrong with you."
"What do you mean?" Kiba asked.
"NOOOO! THEY CANNOT LEAVE ME!!!"
Shadow came flying out of her tent and latched onto Tsume. "MINE!"
"Shadow, calm down before I knock you out," Tsume said calmly. Shadow looked up at him innocently, then dropped to the ground.
"How oddly thou repliest."
"Huh?"
"O, much I fear some ill unthrifty thing..."
"Shadow, shut up. You're scaring us all."
"O, ROMEO, ROMEO! WHEREFORE ART THOU, ROMEO?!" Shadow called, then, in reply to herself and imitating Romeo, she said, "I'VE DIED, YOU FOOL!"
"I think in Romeo and Juliet, Shadow, Juliet died before Romeo..." Kurama said. "Not sure, though…"
"SHUT UP, ROMEO! FOR NEVER WAS A STORY OF MORE WOE THAN THIS OF JULIET AND HER ROMEO! CUZ THEY BOTH F&%$IN' DIED!" Shadow hollered. "SUICIDAL IDIOTS!"
"... O-kay..."
"COME HITHER!"
"No."
"Find, don't, you bloody bastard..." Shadow muttered, sulking back into her tent.
"Hey! Don't go back in there, you--"
"He's gone, he's killed, he's dead!"
"Shadow!"
"NAY!"
"SHADOW COME BACK OUT HERE NOW AND STOP QUOTING SHAKESPEARE OR I'M SENDING YOUKO IN THERE TO GET THAT KEY OUT OF YOUR BRA!" Koenma hollered.
Shadow bolted out and sat on top of Koenma's head. "There's no fox going to dig around in my bra for a key. Hold out your hand."
Having a very difficult time balancing with Shadow on his head, Koenma swayed and Shadow dropped the key onto the ground before he'd held out his hand. He fell over in the process of fetching it and dumped Shadow off onto the ground.
"Fine! I'll open the stupid door!" Shadow snapped, getting up and stomping to the porch. She unlocked the door and stomped inside. "You and your STUPID portal news just couldn't wait another TWO SECONDS FOR ME TO GET TO THE PART WHERE ROMEO KICKS THE CAN!"
"What the hell are you rambling about, Shadow?" Hiei asked, coming down the stairs.
"How the hell did you get in here?" Yusuke asked.
"I came down the chimney. Ho ho ho. Like that Saintie Claw guy... Or whatever the hell that fat guy in red is called," Hiei muttered.
"AHHHH! FAT GUY IN RED!" Shadow screamed.
"I figured it out! You're afraid of fat guys in red!" Hige exclaimed triumphantly.
"You're scared of Santa Claus? But he doesn't even exist!" Kurama said.
"THAT'S WHY HE'S SO SCARY! THE LAST THING I WANT IS A DAMN NONEXISTENT FAT GUY COMING DOWN MY CHIMNEY AND RAIDING MY KITCHEN BECAUSE HE THINKS I WANT A TOY TRAIN AND A TEDDY BEAR UNDER THE DAMN CHRISTMAS TREE!" Shadow yelled.
"But if he doesn't exist, how's he gonna come down the chimney?" Eclipse asked, wiping the drool off her mouth.
"Do we even have a chimney?" Hiei asked.
"Well we must if you came down it," Shadow said cluelessly.
"I was being sarcastic about that," Hiei said. "I came in through a window."
"But I closed all the windows!"
"I know. I was being sarcastic again. I picked the lock on the door," Hiei replied casually. Shadow glared. "Now why's Koenma here?"
"I forget," Shadow pouted, still glaring. "Something about Romeo and Juliet or something..."
Koenma groaned. "Stupid girl..."
"I am not stupid! I'm just highly forgetful and easily confused!"
"Sure, if you say so," Koenma muttered.
"Oh, and Hige, there's three or so more things I'm scared of, but you'll never guess them," Shadow said.
"Let's see... You're afraid of the Easter Bunny."
"AHHH! GIANT RABBIT!" Shadow said, hiding.
"Jeez, she's got a theme. She's afraid of everything little children believe in when they're little..." Kurama muttered.
"HOW THE HELL DOES A GIANT RABBIT GET INTO YOUR HOUSE AND GIVE YOU CHOCOLATE AND EGGS? WHAT'S A RABBIT DOING WITH EGGS, ANYWAY? DON'T THEY GIVE BIRTH TO LIVE YOUNG?! RABBITS DON'T LAY EGGS! AND CHOCOLATE! I BET CHOCOLATE IS REALLY JUST PURIFIED RABBIT SHIT! THAT'S WHY THAT DAMN BUNNY HAS ENOUGH TO GIVE IT TO THE ENTIRE WORLD!" Shadow was bawling.
"And... How about..." Hige said, thinking. Koenma had long ago given up on trying to explain whatever he'd wanted to explain and was instead waiting for them to finish terrorizing Shadow.
"The tooth fairy," Kurama said dryly.
"Now that is one scary little critter, let me tell you. She's the smallest yet most evil of the trio. I bet she's some kind of demon, flitting around stealing your teeth. She probably sells them on eBay or something, and gets hundreds of thousands of dollars selling perfect specimens of child's DNA to mad scientists all over the world, and soon everybody will have a double walking around. An EVIL double! Whether it's the original that was evil or the tooth clone that is evil, there'll be two people, and one will be evil. And after selling one tooth to the mad scientists, she takes the other however many are in your mouth and she melts them down and makes weapons and houses with them for all the other psychotic little fairies that think they deserve to have our TEETH! WELL LET ME TELL YOU, ALL MY TEETH WERE SAFELY STORED IN ONE PLACE UNTIL THAT HORRIBLE TRAGEDY DESTROYED MY HOUSE, SO SCREW YOU! THEY'RE PROBABLY STILL LYING IN THE ASH OF THAT HOUSE! UNLESS--Gasp! Unless the fairies were the ones who burnt down my house in the first place! AND THEY TOOK ALL MY TEETH AND SOMETIME IN THE FUTURE THERE'LL BE ANOTHER ME RUNNING AROUND! THAT'S A HORRIBLE THOUGHT, ISN'T IT! AREN'T YOU ALL SCARED! RUN AND HIDE BEHIND TSUME!" Shadow howled, diving at the couch and vanishing between two of the cushions.
"... Are we done listening to Shadow's rants?" Koenma asked. "Because I don't want to listen anymore. I could get her thrown into an asylum for just that rant. Combine everything else she's done and they'd just put her in the electric chair and put the electric chair in the gas chamber and activate them BOTH."
"Nice," Hiei said, sitting on the stairs about halfway up.
"Isn't it though?" Kurama muttered.
"But she said there's three..." Hige said in a miserable sort of way.
"Then keep guessing," Tsume said. "Better figure it out now so you won't be pestering us later..."
"I'M AFRAID OF..." Shadow started. Then she paused and said dramatically, "Poooooop!"
"Well that's gotta suck," Yusuke said.
"That's sick," Kuwabara whined.
"Are you seriously afraid of crap?"
"No, stupid!" Shadow snapped, still hidden under the couch cushions. They moved when she talked. "Keep guessing!"
"You're afraid of... ECLIPSE!" Hige declared.
"She's my best friend. Are you scared of Toboe or Kiba?" Shadow answered.
"No."
"I didn't ask if you're afraid of Tsume because I know you are."
"I am not!"
"KEEP GUESSING, FOOL!"
"CLOWNS!"
Shadow screamed, making the cushions fly off the couch. Everybody stared.
"You're scared of clowns?" Yusuke asked incredulously.
Shadow stared up at them with big, scared eyes and said in a little, scared voice, "It tried to kill me. They have big noses, scary voices, big feet, and they're always really freaking happy. And they all fit in those miniscule cars that are for three-year-olds."
"Clowns are paid to look happy all the time," Kurama said flatly.
"That's scary... And... They honk those little horns and... And..." Shadow was clearly avoiding her real reason.
"Spit it out," Hiei said dryly.
"THEY EAT THE LITTLE CHILDREN!" Shadow exploded.
Everybody stared for several minutes. Then Hiei broke the silence.
"But Shadow... So do you."
"WHO TOLD YOU?"
"A frog," Hiei said in the same matter-of-fact tone he'd used before.
"FROGGY? WHERE?" Eclipse squealed. She looked around with wide eyes and an excited smile before running towards the front door and slamming right into it. They all stared at her.
"Walk much?" Tsume said dryly. Eclipse jumped up and ran straight into the door again, and again, and AGAIN before finally opening it and tripping down the steps off the porch.
Everybody stared for a minute at her as she ran around aimlessly in the yard and crashed into a tree. She laid there twitching. The front door was still wide open. They stared out for a minute longer before Koenma cleared his throat.
"Well... As I was saying," he said, finally drawing the conversation back to its original roots (that had somewhere got lost back in the yard when they were still locked out).
Shadow seeped out of the couch and fell face-first onto the floor with a thud. They hardly even noticed as she lay there twitching.
"Yes, get on with it," Hiei said.
"After extensive research, I made the discovery that in order for the portal to operate properly, you all must have a certain level of alcohol in your blood," Koenma said, sounding a little embarrassed.
"Ha! And you said it'd kill us if we went through drunk!" Tsume accused.
"I never said it'd kill you, I just said I wasn't sure what would happen."
"That's what you say now," Hige muttered.
"It doesn't matter, anyway!" Koenma whined. "The point is... START DRINKING."
"But what if they don't wanna go home?" Shadow asked, having decided hiding under cushions was more fun than being seen. She'd vanished back under them so only her red eyes blinked out at the group.
"TOO BAD! They're from the future, it's a screw-up in space and time for them to be here, and they need to go BACK!" Koenma snapped. "Now GET DRUNK!"
"God, you're irritable lately," Yusuke muttered. Shadow came flying out of the couch and hugged Koenma.
"Are you having mood swings? Poor baby..." She stepped back. "There. Now get lost."
Koenma stared.
"Get! Get! Scat! Mreow! Hisssss!" Shadow snapped, hissing and snarling. Koenma vanished.
"Well... Better break out the beer," Kiba said miserably.
"But... I don't wanna get drunk," Toboe said.
"I'll make some more of that crap I gave you guys before so you can take it with you..." Kurama said, walking out of the room.
"TIME TO GET DRUNK!" Shadow hollered.
"Not. You," Hiei said, grabbing her shirt as she turned to go to the basement.
"Why not?"
"Because I said so."
"Are you gonna?"
"That's different."
"Why?!"
"Because I said so. Now go out there and find Eclipse. She seems to have gone looking for that frog again that I mentioned before."
Eclipse flew through the door and plowed over Shadow to tackle Hiei.
"FROGGY WHERE?!"
Hiei groaned.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Nobody pointed this out, but I just realized for no reason (it just popped into my head) that when Kurama made that stuff to keep them from having hangovers anymore, he gave some to Toboe too. Toboe didn't get drunk. Well… Let's just say they were worried smelling it had done damage…
I don't own Romeo and Juliet.
Here's the story of Romeo and Juliet in a nutshell, if you don't know it: Romeo and Juliet are in love. For some reason (Eclipse says "Because she's stupid!") Juliet fakes her own death and Romeo thinks she's dead so he kills himself and when she finds out he killed himself she kills herself for real. I didn't know that when I wrote Kurama's comment about Juliet dying first. And me and Eclipse have agreed that yes indeed, Romeo and Juliet were both stupid and that's why they killed themselves. (I never read the story, but my mom explained it to me in about the same words that I just used to explain it to you.)
Oh, and I wrote the entire clown fear scene, from the part after Koenma said whatever he did about the electric chair in the gas chamber, where Hiei said "Nice," to the part where Eclipse is running into the tree in the yard, I wrote that all while I was on the phone with Eclipse… Heh heh heh… She helped me. All bow to my muse and best friend for eight years, Eclipse… Riiiight… The girl who calls me stupid and all that… I suppose you get what you give out, though… Cuz I call her stupid all the time too. Great friendship we have, right?
Also, go to my myotaku art page, I kinda illustrated a scene from this chapter.