Disclaimer of DOOM!: Yu Yu Hakusho and all related characters are not mine. That means I have to go ask Touya and Jin's pimp, Yoshihiro Togashi, if I want to whore them off, and some of the money I get will go to him. But since I'm not getting money I don't have to pay him, and they don't have to be 'whored off'... i don't know if that made any sense. Don't worry- the story is not about whores and pimps. warnings: shonen-ai, yaoi in the epilouge: In Vain, swearing.
Jin looked across the distance to his friend Touya. Once again his heart broke, as he watched the young ice demon training with his ice sword. He had been wanting for some time to tell Touya that he thought, no, knew, his feelings ran deeper than friendship, but he never could. Touya had pulled off his shirt, though, of course, it wasn't from getting hot, nor did it much restrict his motion, but Touya could get rather paranoid, and preferred to train with nothing to bind him. Something Jin couldn't help but appreciate.
Jin contained a longing sigh, watching each fluid motion; the way Touya's muscles bunched, tensed, loosened, bunched once again; working in perfect harmony. The soft, white skin was like a china doll's; the thin scar on his chest reminiscent of a hairline crack in the otherwise smooth, polished surface. His face was slack; it almost always was, but Jin always fancied he could trace the faint signs of some emotion in the thin, slanted eyes.
Touya stopped, stepping over to Jin. "Something wrong? You seem... dazed."
Jin shook his head to drain himself of his... perhaps, overeager, delusions. "I'm fine, Touya. Jus' caught in thought, I s'pose."
Touya let a small smile grace his features. "That's rare. Normally, you're far too busy to be caught in thought. May I ask what you were thinking of?"
"You." Jin didn't even realize he said it till it was past his lips, and for one of the very few times in his life, he blushed, embarrassed.
Touya seemed surprised, he had not at all expected such an answer. "Why would you think of me? I am nothing; have nothing."
Jin sighed, once again, he had dug himself into a hole. It happened far too often. The others weren't there though; it was just he and Touya. He had been wanting an opportunity, well, here it was, right? "I... I love ye', Touya. Ye' aren' nothin', not at all. I love ye', so much." Jin put his arms around Touya, letting his hands rest at the small of Touya's back. He looked down at his friend, continuing, "Yer so beautiful, Touya, and strong and fine. Please..." Jin whispered softly, pressing his mouth to Touya's tenderly.
Touya hadn't moved through this pronouncement, hadn't returned the embrace, hadn't returned the kiss, merely allowed it all to happen. He let his eyes close when Jin kissed him. Jin pulled away and watched as Touya let his eyes open; but they seemed blank, as blank as ice. As blank as always. And Touya pulled out of the embrace.
"I'm sorry, Jin. Truly, I am. But I don't love you. I am an ice demon. All I can have for you is respect, camaraderie, even friendship. But like ice, I am too cold to love. To love you, or to be loved, by anyone. I am sorry, Jin. I regret having no such emotions, but I that can't change what is so. I am so sorry." Touya shook his head slowly, and turned to walk away.
Jin felt tears sting his eyes, and his ears began to droop. "Touya! No, please, don' go yet! We can melt the ice, ye' can learn ta' love!"
Touya turned and looked Jin in the eye. "No. I am sorry, but we can't melt it. Ice is my only strength. If it is gone, I truly have nothing. I can give you loyalty, respect, trust. I can give you my faithfulness and my body. But I cannot give you love." He shook his head once again. "I cannot love. I am sorry, Jin. It is folly to love an ice demon. I guess that's how you go through life, from folly to folly. But you always find a way to make it work. But it won't work this time. Jin, I think you're beautiful. You're so full of life and vivacity. You're so happy and lucky. I'm... cold, and ugly. All I have, all I could ever give, is sorrow, and ice. Don't love me, Jin. Please don't. It is folly to love ice. Only ice loves ice. But that's not love. I am so sorry. I have no love. Only respect. Friendship. No more can I offer you, in terms of emotional intimacy."
Touya began to walk away again. His heart, made of ice, was shattering inside of him. Jin loved him. And he could offer nothing. How much would he love to love Jin, to be with Jin, to care for the wind master?! But though he did, indeed, wish to love Jin, wish for his happiness, though he would be loyal till the end of time, though he knew Jin would also be faithful, he knew... he knew that it could never be. A single tear slowly fell down his cheek, and froze half way down
Tears ran down Jin's cheeks, freely falling. "No... NO TOUYA! I WON' LET YE' WALK AWAY FROM ME!" He shouted, running to the ice master, his heart's one desire, who had turned him down. He grabbed Touya's shoulders and spun him around, pulling Touya against himself. He kissed Touya again, this time full of passion, thrusting his tongue between Touya's lips, so parted with shock. He could feel Touya begin to lean against him, could feel Touya slowly, cautiously returning the kiss, and he tasted so damn good.
Jin finally broke the kiss, unable to breath any longer. "See there..." he panted, "See there? Ye' got a tear frozen on yer cheek, ye' was cryin' too! I could feel you return the kiss, c'mon, Touya, I know ye' must feel somethin' fer me?"
Touya looked at Jin carefully. "Jin... All I can ever give you is kisses and touches and my loyalty. I want you to be happy. I want it, very badly. Even desperately. Which is why I can never love you. I'm an ice demon, Jin. It could, would, and will never be. I'm an ice demon. I'm a goddamned ice demon. Not only that, I'm a goddamned ice master. I'm a master at being cold, being as ice. To be warm, to love... is foreign to me... utterly foreign, and utterly against all that I am. I am sorry, Jin. I've said it so many times, and it's truer each time I say it; I am sorry. But there's nothing to be done for it. If you wish, we may make love. If it will make you happy, to take me, you may. I have no concern for what happens to me. But I can't love you. I can't ever love you. I'm so sorry. Gomen, Jin." Touya bent his head, trying to hide his tears. "I want to... I want to love you. My heart is breaking for you, because I don't love you. I would give anything to be in love with you. But I feel nothing. Nothing but friendship. I wish that would change, so I could make you happy. But it won't. I hate this ice! But I don't really hate either. I can't love; I can't hate. I'm just cold, unfeeling, blindingly numbing ice. Forgive me." Touya was crying, so softly, so quietly, crying. Like ice that's melting; no sound or big show. Just slow, falling tears. Because even when he returned the kiss, the embrace, he felt nothing.
Jin pulled Touya to his chest, sobbing into Touya's soft hair. Once he'd slowed enough to speak, he took his face from Touya's hair and asked, "Isn' there anythin'... anythin' at'all... tha' would make ye' love me?"
Touya felt the tears still running down his face, as he looked up at Jin once again. "No... there's nothing... I would give anything to change that... but there's nothing... That kiss, that embrace? I wanted it to feel special, I don't know how, just different. But I felt nothing, nothing extraordinary, nothing special... Ice doesn't feel. It only makes you numb. I don't want you to become numb, Jin. I don't want you to ever become numb. So please, don't love me. It is folly to love an ice demon. I would give anything to change that... But it is folly to love an ice demon..." Touya pushed away from Jin, turning, walking away, then running away, and Jin watched, helplessly.
"I love you, Touya." Jin mumbled, crying silently. "Don't forget. No matter what. Goodbye."