CHAPTER SIX
Friday April 17
I met Mr Montgomery today in Lambton today, and I did feel it in my heart to be sorry for him, because he obviously likes me, and if I hadn't chosen Sir Thomas, who knows who I would be marrying soon? But I quietly and kindly repelled him whenever he tried to flirt, and the poor man looked quite unhappy. Of course I was civil, and I do like him as a friend, so I enjoyed meeting him, but otherwise I was thinking of Sir Thomas the entire time, and when I finally saw him coming out of Hart's, I excused myself quickly and hurried over to speak to him. He was in a hurry to go to a meeting with his lawyer about changing the Wales estate over to his cousin, but he spared a few minutes to talk to me, and he kissed my hand most graciously when he left. Of course it was a disappointment that we had not time for anything above the merest commonplaces, but still, seeing him at all is a joy to me.
I met up with Louisa straight after, and invited her over to Pemberley. Georgiana had gone over to Alice Brandon's home for the afternoon and so I would be alone and probably bored, as Elizabeth wasn't feeling quite the thing and was resting today. She agreed to at once, and I realised she must dislike living with Lady Posy immensely, and would be very happy to go somewhere else for once. She said she is going home to Lyme soon, where she lives with her father, and that "she must confess she could hardly wait to leave Maples," (Lady Posy's home), and return to her beloved hometown. She misses the sea immensely, and she very kindly extracted a promise from me that if I was able, I should go and visit her in Lyme after I finished my time in Derbyshire. Unfortunately I believe I shall be married by then so I will not be able to, but I am sure I could persuade Sir Thomas to take me there – I have always LONGED to see the sea, and was immensely jealous of Lydia for another reason than the officers encamped there when she went to Brighton. Now, I am glad I did not go, because the likelihood would have been that I copied Lydia and ran off with an officer, and how can that ever compare to marrying Sir Thomas Humphries? He is much richer and probably much more agreeable than someone like Wickham will ever be to Lydia!
Louisa and I had a famous time all afternoon. We explored the grounds together, which I have not been able to do so much of, and discovered so many pretty places that I thought I should weep that Pemberley didn't and never will belong to me! I found that she too loves dramatic plays, especially by Shakespeare, and we have decided to form a dramatic club. Just the two of us, for it would be grossly improper to include young men in the club, and we don't want Lady Posy, and Georgiana and Alice are much too shy for such a thing. We found a wonderful grove in the forest – a sheltered clearing, with a big tree that has branches so low and broad that we can use them as a stage! There is also a stream nearby, which always appears in a drama, and we even found a rowboat some way down the river which we borrowed and dragged up the stream closer to our grove. We have great plans for the grove, and are going to see if we can even bring some garden furniture, or build a little hut!
Of course it has to be perfectly secret, for if anyone found out what we were doing, I am certain they would turn it at once into a big joke, and I am desperate to do this soon, for I am sure that a married woman cannot do things like this without consulting her husband, and as nice as Sir Thomas is, I'm sure he would laugh and laugh.
We have started with Romeo and Juliet, as Louisa knows it nearly by heart and as I love that particular drama above all others. We think we will also do The Lady of Shallot, although it is not Shakespeare, because of the handy stream. Louisa said I may be the one who floats down pretending to be dead and holding the flowers, which is very kind and obliging of her. It is so wonderful to finally find a friend who wants to do things like this too! Those who know me would never guess how I love dramatic and mournful plays, and how many times I imagine myself as the heroine. It is like I am one Kitty when I read or watch these plays, and then another Kitty when I am an ordinary, flirtatious peacock. When I am a peacock, I am anything but romantic and mysterious, but when I am one of those heroines, I am so miserably romantic that you might scream in disgust at the soppiness.
We thought we should probably return to the house when it started clouding over, and we ran the whole way back, chattering excitedly, because it is very agreeable to find a kindred spirit. Louisa and I are quite different when we are our ordinary selves – I am a peacock and she is an albatross. That sounds absolutely ridiculous. I mean that she is at least dignified although very fun, while I am silly and laughable. Although, as Mr Wakefield said, silly is good, while I can be serious.
I have thought over his words very much, and I am greatly indebted to him for he has relieved my mind a lot. God seems very frightening when you don't know him, but I think I do know him a little better now, and my evening prayers seem to make more sense now, and if I read my Bible, always less often than I should, it does seem to lodge in my mind in a way it never did before. I can even quote verses now that I have learnt without being forced! Mr Wakefield actually is on my mind quite often, because he is such a perfect example to me of how I would like to be. I am sure he has faults, but I have a feeling I would like those faults.
Lizzy invited Louisa to stay for the evening meal, for she is feeling much better. So Louisa was very happy to, and we had a very agreeable evening, for Georgiana came back from Alice's, and we all played cards together, even Mr Darcy! And soon enough, I suggested Snap, (my favourite card game ever!), and it turned into such fun, and it was almost a riot in the drawing room that evening! I won, as usual. Even if I am not the most accomplished person in the universe, I must say I am very good at Snap. We were playing for colossal, though imaginary scores, and I am now in possession of two hundred thousand imaginary pounds. Mr Darcy was very competitive, and actually looked like he was going to sulk for a moment or two when I won, but he restrained himself and contented himself with making a face at me when no one was looking. I burst out laughing. He is really very funny.
Sunday April 19
In church today, Mr Wakefield spoke on Jonah. He said that we can do the silliest things imaginable sometimes, (with a quick smile at me), because we are scared of doing what God has told us to do, but God will keep on telling us to do it, and if we just give up our fear and turn around and do it, everything will work out for the best. It was very interesting. I had never realised how funny the story of Jonah was. It almost says, "God told Jonah to go and preach to the Ninevites. So Jonah ran in the opposite direction." The whole church was laughing at some points. Mr Wakefield has a great skill.
Unfortunately I had to see Lord Gosford today. He ignored me and looked pointedly in the other direction all service. I think he was embarrassed to be dropped by me. But when I was walking out of church on Sir Thomas' arm, we walked straight into him, and he bade me a stiff, "Good morning, Miss Bennet," and I smiled back, "Good morning, Lord Gosford!" Well, yes, I was a little uncomfortable, and it probably showed, but I was determined to show him I didn't care a jot about what had happened, well, that I did care, but I didn't care enough to go into spasms of depression or something. Sir Thomas noticed something though, and he asked me, "What is wrong with Lord Gosford?"
I coloured up, and said something like, "I don't know! Hahaha!" I will need to be doing some thinking, for I'm sure many people will be asking that same question, and only I, Lizzy, Lady Posy and Lord Gosford himself know the answer.
Sir Thomas looked at me gravely. I think he saw right through me. "Really?"
I changed the subject, because I don't want to lie to him, but I'm sure it will come up again. He allowed me to distract him, but I know he didn't forget it.
Monday April 20
Louisa came over to Pemberley today to visit, and we managed to escape after luncheon to our grove. She dragged along a big sack the whole way and would not reveal what was in it until we arrived there. It was wonderful! She had asked Lady Posy's groom to teach her how to carve letters in wood, and she made a sign saying 'Kitty and Louisa's Grove – Keep Out!' She had also brought a hammer and nails to stick this sign up, old carriage-roof material to drape over our stage and use as a roof, and she had commissioned the groom to make several small seats that sit on the branches perfectly! I had never imagined the like! She is certainly a very resourceful girl. She also brought a wooden box with boiled sweets in it that locks with a padlock and chain, and sits in a small hollow cavity in the tree. She gave me a tiny key to hang around my neck for it. I am sure I was never so excited. Louisa is so imaginative.
Being so excited by this time, we plunged straight into the acting. We decided to do Lady of Shallot at once, as I was wearing just the right type of dress, and we picked some bluebells from an obliging collection nearby and hastened down to the stream. I carefully got into the boat, and lay down, and Louisa thoughtfully put her pelisse under my head so I would not be too uncomfortable. Then I clutched the flowers in my hand and shut my eyes, and it was all very dramatic and satisfying, and Louisa pushed me off the bank. Unfortunately the water was too shallow for the boat to move at all at this point in the stream, so Louisa was obliged to pull me down the stream a little until the water was a little deeper and I was drifting off, but I did not quite like having my eyes shut, for fear and for boredom, so after a while I sat up and waved at Louisa who was walking along by the boat. It was very merry, if not very romantic at all, and we talked to each other while I drifted along. She threw me a piece of cake she had brought along, and I ate that, and then to my horror the stream suddenly got wider, the banks got higher, and I had drifted into the lake!
"Louisa," I called, "you haven't by any chance brought oars with you, have you?"
"Oh no!" she cried. "Kitty, you must jump out!"
"I can't!" I called back. "It's too deep! I'm scared!"
"Of course you are, I'm sorry!" she said, remembering my near-drowning incident. "What shall we do?"
"I don't know!" I was starting to panic now, and it was impossible to stop a few tears squeezing out. What was to become of me? Why did I forever do the silliest things possible? The more I drifted, the deeper it got, and the more impossible it was to jump out, in my mind. Of course it would only have been about waist height, but I have developed a deep fear of water ever since the Falconhurst Hill incident, probably due to still more nightmares. It seemed as impossible to me to jump into that water as to jump off a cliff. Meanwhile Louisa wrung her hands on the shore and called out meaningless and unhelpful advice to me. "Put your hands in the water and paddle!" she shouted. I tried, and moved even faster in the wrong direction. "Jump up and down!" she cried. "It might make the boat move against the current!" I tried and the boat rocked so hard it almost tipped over and kept moving with the current. At least she was trying.
Suddenly a figure emerged from the woods, and on seeing our plight and asking Louisa what on earth was going on, he took off his coat, jumped into the lake and waded out to me. It was Mr Wakefield, of all people. I was deeply embarrassed. Of course a clergyman would disapprove greatly of playacting. I had reached the middle of the lake by the time he waded up to me. "Good afternoon," he smiled, holding onto the side of the boat. "It seems to me you are in trouble. Would you like some help?"
I couldn't help smiling. "No, thank you, sir, I would like to live here forever."
"In that case. . "he said, a twinkle in his eye.
"Just a joke!" I assured him very quickly. I own I was not really worried about social appearance anymore and wanted nothing more than to get off that lake and back onto dry land.
He saw the frightened glint in my eye and was at once very kind and gentle, squeezing my hand which was tightened on the side of the boat like iron. "Don't worry, Miss Bennet, I'll have you back to shore in no time. You will be fine. Just breathe deeply and think of hot chocolate in bed in the morning. I'm sure it will help."
I closed my eyes and thought of it as he pushed me back to shore, and derived a most irrational comfort from the very thought of that hot mug of chocolate that Betty brought me every morning. But he was right, it did help, and by the time I had drunk it all, I was back at shore, and he was picking me up out of the boat and climbing up the bank to deposit me next to Louisa.
"Oh, thank you so much, Mr Wakefield!" I could hear her saying as he set me down gently and as I tried to de-panic myself. "Look at you, you're all wet! Imagine what could have happened had you not gone out!"
"It would probably not have been as desperate as the case at Falconhurst," he was replying, "but still, it must be very frightening for you to have been in another dangerous position, Miss Bennet. I am happy I came to be here."
I nodded dumbly and murmured, "Thank you."
"May I ask what on earth you were doing?" he said, curious.
I went bright red and Louisa and I looked at each other, biting our lips. He looked to and fro at us, at the boat, at the stream, at the bluebells I was clutching tightly in my hand still – and he started laughing quietly. "You've been acting out the Lady of Shallot, have you not?"
We stared at him. "How in all manner of wondrous things did you know?" I heard Louisa whisper.
"My sisters used to do it all the time, and they would order Charles and I to help them in all manner of things; picking flowers, repairing boats, you name it. In fact they had a dramatic club, and Charles and I were included because they needed males for most plays – but only because of that and not because they liked us, they always hastened to remind us. I was Romeo once when Juliana took a fancy into her head to play Juliet. It was such a laugh."
Isn't he the nicest clergyman that ever there was? If Mr Collins had heard I was acting out the Lady of Shallot he would have read me the harshest lecture that ever was spoken and condemned me to hell like he did Lydia and advise my parents to have nothing to do with me.
He left pretty soon after then, being rather wet from the waist down, although he was quite cheerful about it and said the sun would soon dry him off. I am so relieved he was there.
Friday April 17
I met Mr Montgomery today in Lambton today, and I did feel it in my heart to be sorry for him, because he obviously likes me, and if I hadn't chosen Sir Thomas, who knows who I would be marrying soon? But I quietly and kindly repelled him whenever he tried to flirt, and the poor man looked quite unhappy. Of course I was civil, and I do like him as a friend, so I enjoyed meeting him, but otherwise I was thinking of Sir Thomas the entire time, and when I finally saw him coming out of Hart's, I excused myself quickly and hurried over to speak to him. He was in a hurry to go to a meeting with his lawyer about changing the Wales estate over to his cousin, but he spared a few minutes to talk to me, and he kissed my hand most graciously when he left. Of course it was a disappointment that we had not time for anything above the merest commonplaces, but still, seeing him at all is a joy to me.
I met up with Louisa straight after, and invited her over to Pemberley. Georgiana had gone over to Alice Brandon's home for the afternoon and so I would be alone and probably bored, as Elizabeth wasn't feeling quite the thing and was resting today. She agreed to at once, and I realised she must dislike living with Lady Posy immensely, and would be very happy to go somewhere else for once. She said she is going home to Lyme soon, where she lives with her father, and that "she must confess she could hardly wait to leave Maples," (Lady Posy's home), and return to her beloved hometown. She misses the sea immensely, and she very kindly extracted a promise from me that if I was able, I should go and visit her in Lyme after I finished my time in Derbyshire. Unfortunately I believe I shall be married by then so I will not be able to, but I am sure I could persuade Sir Thomas to take me there – I have always LONGED to see the sea, and was immensely jealous of Lydia for another reason than the officers encamped there when she went to Brighton. Now, I am glad I did not go, because the likelihood would have been that I copied Lydia and ran off with an officer, and how can that ever compare to marrying Sir Thomas Humphries? He is much richer and probably much more agreeable than someone like Wickham will ever be to Lydia!
Louisa and I had a famous time all afternoon. We explored the grounds together, which I have not been able to do so much of, and discovered so many pretty places that I thought I should weep that Pemberley didn't and never will belong to me! I found that she too loves dramatic plays, especially by Shakespeare, and we have decided to form a dramatic club. Just the two of us, for it would be grossly improper to include young men in the club, and we don't want Lady Posy, and Georgiana and Alice are much too shy for such a thing. We found a wonderful grove in the forest – a sheltered clearing, with a big tree that has branches so low and broad that we can use them as a stage! There is also a stream nearby, which always appears in a drama, and we even found a rowboat some way down the river which we borrowed and dragged up the stream closer to our grove. We have great plans for the grove, and are going to see if we can even bring some garden furniture, or build a little hut!
Of course it has to be perfectly secret, for if anyone found out what we were doing, I am certain they would turn it at once into a big joke, and I am desperate to do this soon, for I am sure that a married woman cannot do things like this without consulting her husband, and as nice as Sir Thomas is, I'm sure he would laugh and laugh.
We have started with Romeo and Juliet, as Louisa knows it nearly by heart and as I love that particular drama above all others. We think we will also do The Lady of Shallot, although it is not Shakespeare, because of the handy stream. Louisa said I may be the one who floats down pretending to be dead and holding the flowers, which is very kind and obliging of her. It is so wonderful to finally find a friend who wants to do things like this too! Those who know me would never guess how I love dramatic and mournful plays, and how many times I imagine myself as the heroine. It is like I am one Kitty when I read or watch these plays, and then another Kitty when I am an ordinary, flirtatious peacock. When I am a peacock, I am anything but romantic and mysterious, but when I am one of those heroines, I am so miserably romantic that you might scream in disgust at the soppiness.
We thought we should probably return to the house when it started clouding over, and we ran the whole way back, chattering excitedly, because it is very agreeable to find a kindred spirit. Louisa and I are quite different when we are our ordinary selves – I am a peacock and she is an albatross. That sounds absolutely ridiculous. I mean that she is at least dignified although very fun, while I am silly and laughable. Although, as Mr Wakefield said, silly is good, while I can be serious.
I have thought over his words very much, and I am greatly indebted to him for he has relieved my mind a lot. God seems very frightening when you don't know him, but I think I do know him a little better now, and my evening prayers seem to make more sense now, and if I read my Bible, always less often than I should, it does seem to lodge in my mind in a way it never did before. I can even quote verses now that I have learnt without being forced! Mr Wakefield actually is on my mind quite often, because he is such a perfect example to me of how I would like to be. I am sure he has faults, but I have a feeling I would like those faults.
Lizzy invited Louisa to stay for the evening meal, for she is feeling much better. So Louisa was very happy to, and we had a very agreeable evening, for Georgiana came back from Alice's, and we all played cards together, even Mr Darcy! And soon enough, I suggested Snap, (my favourite card game ever!), and it turned into such fun, and it was almost a riot in the drawing room that evening! I won, as usual. Even if I am not the most accomplished person in the universe, I must say I am very good at Snap. We were playing for colossal, though imaginary scores, and I am now in possession of two hundred thousand imaginary pounds. Mr Darcy was very competitive, and actually looked like he was going to sulk for a moment or two when I won, but he restrained himself and contented himself with making a face at me when no one was looking. I burst out laughing. He is really very funny.
Sunday April 19
In church today, Mr Wakefield spoke on Jonah. He said that we can do the silliest things imaginable sometimes, (with a quick smile at me), because we are scared of doing what God has told us to do, but God will keep on telling us to do it, and if we just give up our fear and turn around and do it, everything will work out for the best. It was very interesting. I had never realised how funny the story of Jonah was. It almost says, "God told Jonah to go and preach to the Ninevites. So Jonah ran in the opposite direction." The whole church was laughing at some points. Mr Wakefield has a great skill.
Unfortunately I had to see Lord Gosford today. He ignored me and looked pointedly in the other direction all service. I think he was embarrassed to be dropped by me. But when I was walking out of church on Sir Thomas' arm, we walked straight into him, and he bade me a stiff, "Good morning, Miss Bennet," and I smiled back, "Good morning, Lord Gosford!" Well, yes, I was a little uncomfortable, and it probably showed, but I was determined to show him I didn't care a jot about what had happened, well, that I did care, but I didn't care enough to go into spasms of depression or something. Sir Thomas noticed something though, and he asked me, "What is wrong with Lord Gosford?"
I coloured up, and said something like, "I don't know! Hahaha!" I will need to be doing some thinking, for I'm sure many people will be asking that same question, and only I, Lizzy, Lady Posy and Lord Gosford himself know the answer.
Sir Thomas looked at me gravely. I think he saw right through me. "Really?"
I changed the subject, because I don't want to lie to him, but I'm sure it will come up again. He allowed me to distract him, but I know he didn't forget it.
Monday April 20
Louisa came over to Pemberley today to visit, and we managed to escape after luncheon to our grove. She dragged along a big sack the whole way and would not reveal what was in it until we arrived there. It was wonderful! She had asked Lady Posy's groom to teach her how to carve letters in wood, and she made a sign saying 'Kitty and Louisa's Grove – Keep Out!' She had also brought a hammer and nails to stick this sign up, old carriage-roof material to drape over our stage and use as a roof, and she had commissioned the groom to make several small seats that sit on the branches perfectly! I had never imagined the like! She is certainly a very resourceful girl. She also brought a wooden box with boiled sweets in it that locks with a padlock and chain, and sits in a small hollow cavity in the tree. She gave me a tiny key to hang around my neck for it. I am sure I was never so excited. Louisa is so imaginative.
Being so excited by this time, we plunged straight into the acting. We decided to do Lady of Shallot at once, as I was wearing just the right type of dress, and we picked some bluebells from an obliging collection nearby and hastened down to the stream. I carefully got into the boat, and lay down, and Louisa thoughtfully put her pelisse under my head so I would not be too uncomfortable. Then I clutched the flowers in my hand and shut my eyes, and it was all very dramatic and satisfying, and Louisa pushed me off the bank. Unfortunately the water was too shallow for the boat to move at all at this point in the stream, so Louisa was obliged to pull me down the stream a little until the water was a little deeper and I was drifting off, but I did not quite like having my eyes shut, for fear and for boredom, so after a while I sat up and waved at Louisa who was walking along by the boat. It was very merry, if not very romantic at all, and we talked to each other while I drifted along. She threw me a piece of cake she had brought along, and I ate that, and then to my horror the stream suddenly got wider, the banks got higher, and I had drifted into the lake!
"Louisa," I called, "you haven't by any chance brought oars with you, have you?"
"Oh no!" she cried. "Kitty, you must jump out!"
"I can't!" I called back. "It's too deep! I'm scared!"
"Of course you are, I'm sorry!" she said, remembering my near-drowning incident. "What shall we do?"
"I don't know!" I was starting to panic now, and it was impossible to stop a few tears squeezing out. What was to become of me? Why did I forever do the silliest things possible? The more I drifted, the deeper it got, and the more impossible it was to jump out, in my mind. Of course it would only have been about waist height, but I have developed a deep fear of water ever since the Falconhurst Hill incident, probably due to still more nightmares. It seemed as impossible to me to jump into that water as to jump off a cliff. Meanwhile Louisa wrung her hands on the shore and called out meaningless and unhelpful advice to me. "Put your hands in the water and paddle!" she shouted. I tried, and moved even faster in the wrong direction. "Jump up and down!" she cried. "It might make the boat move against the current!" I tried and the boat rocked so hard it almost tipped over and kept moving with the current. At least she was trying.
Suddenly a figure emerged from the woods, and on seeing our plight and asking Louisa what on earth was going on, he took off his coat, jumped into the lake and waded out to me. It was Mr Wakefield, of all people. I was deeply embarrassed. Of course a clergyman would disapprove greatly of playacting. I had reached the middle of the lake by the time he waded up to me. "Good afternoon," he smiled, holding onto the side of the boat. "It seems to me you are in trouble. Would you like some help?"
I couldn't help smiling. "No, thank you, sir, I would like to live here forever."
"In that case. . "he said, a twinkle in his eye.
"Just a joke!" I assured him very quickly. I own I was not really worried about social appearance anymore and wanted nothing more than to get off that lake and back onto dry land.
He saw the frightened glint in my eye and was at once very kind and gentle, squeezing my hand which was tightened on the side of the boat like iron. "Don't worry, Miss Bennet, I'll have you back to shore in no time. You will be fine. Just breathe deeply and think of hot chocolate in bed in the morning. I'm sure it will help."
I closed my eyes and thought of it as he pushed me back to shore, and derived a most irrational comfort from the very thought of that hot mug of chocolate that Betty brought me every morning. But he was right, it did help, and by the time I had drunk it all, I was back at shore, and he was picking me up out of the boat and climbing up the bank to deposit me next to Louisa.
"Oh, thank you so much, Mr Wakefield!" I could hear her saying as he set me down gently and as I tried to de-panic myself. "Look at you, you're all wet! Imagine what could have happened had you not gone out!"
"It would probably not have been as desperate as the case at Falconhurst," he was replying, "but still, it must be very frightening for you to have been in another dangerous position, Miss Bennet. I am happy I came to be here."
I nodded dumbly and murmured, "Thank you."
"May I ask what on earth you were doing?" he said, curious.
I went bright red and Louisa and I looked at each other, biting our lips. He looked to and fro at us, at the boat, at the stream, at the bluebells I was clutching tightly in my hand still – and he started laughing quietly. "You've been acting out the Lady of Shallot, have you not?"
We stared at him. "How in all manner of wondrous things did you know?" I heard Louisa whisper.
"My sisters used to do it all the time, and they would order Charles and I to help them in all manner of things; picking flowers, repairing boats, you name it. In fact they had a dramatic club, and Charles and I were included because they needed males for most plays – but only because of that and not because they liked us, they always hastened to remind us. I was Romeo once when Juliana took a fancy into her head to play Juliet. It was such a laugh."
Isn't he the nicest clergyman that ever there was? If Mr Collins had heard I was acting out the Lady of Shallot he would have read me the harshest lecture that ever was spoken and condemned me to hell like he did Lydia and advise my parents to have nothing to do with me.
He left pretty soon after then, being rather wet from the waist down, although he was quite cheerful about it and said the sun would soon dry him off. I am so relieved he was there.