Ok here's the 4th chapter I'm going to respond to some reviews so here it goes
R.) It's got some good points certainly, and I happen to be a sap for Takaris anyway. One pair of things you might want to work on is the technical stuff (grammar and spelling). Little things like checking that all your names are correctly spelled, and that the tenses remain the same throughout the work. Also it might be a good idea to separate things into more paragraphs (a new one for each piece of dialogue).
A.) Yah it's hard with the grammar because I suck in English (sooooo many stupid rules). And see I have read a fair amount of fanfics but I can never remember spelling. So if you want to tell me the spellings of some of these please contact my other self, Alanna. (She checks all my stuff). The stuff about being in the same tense is that the first chapter was made over a 5 month period and still check with Alanna 'bout that. Ok thanks 'bout the part 'bout the paragraphs see this is our 1st fanfic that we did and I don't know how to get them into proper paragraphs it's correct on Microsoft but not on the web.
R.) Err...actually I'd make it go a little slower (it was fine until the last bit).
Great so far anyways!
A.) Yah the last bit my editor (Alanna) said the whole story was too slow people will get mad at me. So being as lazy as I am (took me 5 months to write the first chapter) just sped up the last part that I didn't write.
Disclaimer: this is now the evil chapter devoted to all the evil characters. It's a conversation 'bout what they are going to do.
Brainlessheadguy: Is everything ready?
I'mgoingtogofly: the groups are all on their way to the digital world as we speak.
IdiotJock: all digimon are ready in place for attack when they come
Stupidbonehead: And all snacks are ready and waiting. I have the crackers, Doubled eggs, and those little tiny tea sandwiches.
I'mgoingtogofly: Tea sandwiches why would we want to eat tea sandwiches!
Stupidbonehead: There not for you they're for the children.
Brainlessheadguy: Why are you preparing them a meal! Were supposed to torture them! Get rid of them.
IdiotJock: But what if I like tea sandwiches.
I'mgoingtogofly: Well we could have them for a celebration snack
IdiotJock: No they are all mine.
I'mgoingtogofly: No I'll be the ones who will eat them all.
Stupidbonehead: No if I don't eat them all then no one will have them. There mine all mine. My own, my precious. What?
IdiotJock takes a hold of Stupidbonehead and throws him around. Brawl starts out between Stupidbonehead, IdiotJock, and I'mgoingtogofly.
Brainlessheadguy: though brainless they are cheap.
Stupidbonehead: ah-ha Fishy crackers!!!
Brainlessheadguy: Fishy crackers I want
2 hours later: all food is gone, all bandaged up.
Brainlessheadguy: now look what you three have done my wig is all messed up.
(Goes into a rampage destroys everything in layer)
Brainlessheadguy: Look at what you tree have done clean it up.
(Brainlessheadguy leaves for a nap)
Three get message I'mgoingtogofly chosen to give it to Brainlessheadguy
I'mgoingtogofly: Sir the children are right outside......... AAAAAAAHHHHHHH
(Finds Brainlessheadguy asleep with stuffed pink teddy bear)
Brainlessheadguy: what get out!!!!!!
(Brainlessheadguy comes out frustrated)
Brainlessheadguy: what's the message!
I'mgoingtogofly: uh I already told you when I found you mmmmmmm
(Brainlessheadguy holds hand over I'mgoingtogofly's mouth)
Brainlessheadguy: oh yes right Um... boys get ready
Pogd2: ok kinda boring but more humorous than the other chapters. (Doesn't mean I can't do funny just the funny I like to do is too long and doesn't get point a crossed.)
Sooooooo thanks for the reviews and give me more. (Reviews of course) WAHHAHAHAHAHAH!
R.) It's got some good points certainly, and I happen to be a sap for Takaris anyway. One pair of things you might want to work on is the technical stuff (grammar and spelling). Little things like checking that all your names are correctly spelled, and that the tenses remain the same throughout the work. Also it might be a good idea to separate things into more paragraphs (a new one for each piece of dialogue).
A.) Yah it's hard with the grammar because I suck in English (sooooo many stupid rules). And see I have read a fair amount of fanfics but I can never remember spelling. So if you want to tell me the spellings of some of these please contact my other self, Alanna. (She checks all my stuff). The stuff about being in the same tense is that the first chapter was made over a 5 month period and still check with Alanna 'bout that. Ok thanks 'bout the part 'bout the paragraphs see this is our 1st fanfic that we did and I don't know how to get them into proper paragraphs it's correct on Microsoft but not on the web.
R.) Err...actually I'd make it go a little slower (it was fine until the last bit).
Great so far anyways!
A.) Yah the last bit my editor (Alanna) said the whole story was too slow people will get mad at me. So being as lazy as I am (took me 5 months to write the first chapter) just sped up the last part that I didn't write.
Disclaimer: this is now the evil chapter devoted to all the evil characters. It's a conversation 'bout what they are going to do.
Brainlessheadguy: Is everything ready?
I'mgoingtogofly: the groups are all on their way to the digital world as we speak.
IdiotJock: all digimon are ready in place for attack when they come
Stupidbonehead: And all snacks are ready and waiting. I have the crackers, Doubled eggs, and those little tiny tea sandwiches.
I'mgoingtogofly: Tea sandwiches why would we want to eat tea sandwiches!
Stupidbonehead: There not for you they're for the children.
Brainlessheadguy: Why are you preparing them a meal! Were supposed to torture them! Get rid of them.
IdiotJock: But what if I like tea sandwiches.
I'mgoingtogofly: Well we could have them for a celebration snack
IdiotJock: No they are all mine.
I'mgoingtogofly: No I'll be the ones who will eat them all.
Stupidbonehead: No if I don't eat them all then no one will have them. There mine all mine. My own, my precious. What?
IdiotJock takes a hold of Stupidbonehead and throws him around. Brawl starts out between Stupidbonehead, IdiotJock, and I'mgoingtogofly.
Brainlessheadguy: though brainless they are cheap.
Stupidbonehead: ah-ha Fishy crackers!!!
Brainlessheadguy: Fishy crackers I want
2 hours later: all food is gone, all bandaged up.
Brainlessheadguy: now look what you three have done my wig is all messed up.
(Goes into a rampage destroys everything in layer)
Brainlessheadguy: Look at what you tree have done clean it up.
(Brainlessheadguy leaves for a nap)
Three get message I'mgoingtogofly chosen to give it to Brainlessheadguy
I'mgoingtogofly: Sir the children are right outside......... AAAAAAAHHHHHHH
(Finds Brainlessheadguy asleep with stuffed pink teddy bear)
Brainlessheadguy: what get out!!!!!!
(Brainlessheadguy comes out frustrated)
Brainlessheadguy: what's the message!
I'mgoingtogofly: uh I already told you when I found you mmmmmmm
(Brainlessheadguy holds hand over I'mgoingtogofly's mouth)
Brainlessheadguy: oh yes right Um... boys get ready
Pogd2: ok kinda boring but more humorous than the other chapters. (Doesn't mean I can't do funny just the funny I like to do is too long and doesn't get point a crossed.)
Sooooooo thanks for the reviews and give me more. (Reviews of course) WAHHAHAHAHAHAH!