A/N: The song is 'Coulda Woulda Shoulda,' by Celine Dion

Chapter 5: Old Habits Die Hard

A few hours later, Sara awoke to Grissom's strangled cries. Careful not to disturb any of the others, she rushed to his room. Her heart sank as she caught sight of him thrashing around on the bed, his face once again a mask of terror. She had hoped he would be all right once he had gotten it all out, and told them about it.
"Oh God, Grissom, please wake up. Come on, Gris..." Somehow, she managed to get her arms around him and stop him from tossing and turning. "Come on, Grissom," she whispered, tightening her grip as he fought her, "please, just let it go!" He seemed to sense her presence suddenly as he slowly relaxed, and his cries were stilled.
"Sara..." he mumbled quietly as she hugged him, and she smiled as he turned his head towards her in his sleep.
"I'm right here, Gris, I'm right here. I've got you."

That evening, when Grissom woke, he was alone. For a moment he lay still, allowing himself an extra minute in the comfort and warmth of his bed. It had been a long time since he had felt so relaxed and well rested.

Suddenly, the events of the previous night came rushing back to him. "Damn," he moaned as he rubbed his temples, remembering also that he had asked Sara to stay with him. Somehow, though, he really didn't feel as upset as he thought he should. The nightmares had come back to him, when he slept, but they had been pushed away by a voice, and a feeling of safety... Grissom knew instinctively that it had been Sara who had saved him.

Unwilling to go out and confront his team just yet, Grissom stalled as long as he could. His shower was longer than usual, and he took his time getting dressed. He didn't know what he was going to say to his team, and frankly he wouldn't have minded if they never spoke about this week again. But, knowing Catherine, he also wouldn't be surprised if she forced him to continue to talk about it and discuss it with the team until every detail had been picked over, and all his thoughts and feelings were group property.

Finally, he realized he couldn't stall any longer, and he pulled on a plain black shirt – one of a collection of black shirts that he had taken five minutes to choose – and walked out into the kitchen. Finding both it and the living room empty, Grissom let out his breath with a whoosh. He hadn't realized he'd been holding it. Somehow, he felt relieved that his team had already left for work – he wasn't ready to discuss things yet – but he also felt a small twinge of disappointment. He almost wished someone was there with him, and it surprised him. It had been a long time since he'd felt lonely. Normally, his mind would be occupied with thoughts of work, or the latest of his crossword puzzles.

Pushing those thoughts out of his head, Grissom began rummaging through the fridge for something to quiet his grumbling stomach. "Oh, for crying out loud," he muttered as he realized that his team had eaten all his food, and forgotten to restock.

He was just contemplating calling Catherine and giving her hell when suddenly, he heard someone call his name. "Grissom!" It was Sara, sounding surprised, and clutching four bags of groceries to her chest. He hadn't heard her let herself in.

"Sara," he said, confused, "What are you..." He stopped and shook his head. "Never mind, don't answer that." It would be just like Catherine to leave him a babysitter. He tried to ignore the relief he felt that it was Sara who was staying with him, and not one of the others.

"I'm really sorry, Gris," Sara apologized, "I would have been there when you woke up, but I thought you'd be out for a while yet. I thought I'd have time to run out and grab a few things." Grissom shook his head again, and took two of the bags from her. "It's all right, Sara," he reassured her, "nothing important happened. Everything's fine." Sara looked at him closely. "Is it? Really?" Her voice was soft, and he could hear the concern in it. He opened his mouth to say "yes," but he stopped himself quickly. Am I really all right? he asked himself, and he found he was unsure of the answer. Abruptly, he turned away from Sara and began putting away the groceries. Sara stood silently, patiently watching and waiting.

Finally, Grissom stopped and leaned his hands on the counter. His back was to Sara, and she could see how tense he was. "I don't know," he said softly. "I just... I just don't know." He sighed, and rubbed a hand over his face. "I mean should I be all right? I don't even know how I should feel about this anymore. Nick and Warrick and Catherine and Greg... they'll look at me differently now... act differently around me. They'll expect me to be different." He whirled around suddenly to find Sara right behind him. "I..."

Sara shook her head, hiding her elation at the fact that he hadn't said her name along with the others'. "Stop worrying, Grissom," she said gently, sensing his frustration and uncertainty. "You need to stop worrying so much. You're still our friend, and our boss." He smiled slightly at that, and Sara sighed with relief inwardly. "We don't think any less of you because of last night. In fact, we probably appreciate who you really are more." Hesitantly, she touched his cheek. "Honestly," she whispered. For a moment, she thought he would pull away, but then he turned his face into her hand and closed his eyes.

"Everything's gotten so complicated," he whispered. Sara shook her head and gently brushed a stray lock of his curly hair back into place. "It's only as complicated as you make it, Grissom." They stayed that way for a while, both content to be near each other without speaking. Finally, reluctantly, Sara ran her hand through his hair once more, and then pulled away. "We should get these groceries put away, and get you something to eat," she murmured. "I guess," Grissom replied as he took up where he had left off earlier. "We probably should."

Later, they were just sitting down for breakfast – Grissom's first and Sara's second – when Grissom's phone rang. He reached out and grabbed it before Sara could, and smirked at her as he answered. "Grissom."

"Grissom?" Catherine sounded as surprised as Sara had earlier when she found Grissom in the kitchen. "I didn't think you'd be up yet." Grissom scowled. "That's what Sara said, too," he said irritably, ignoring Sara's pointedly questioning look. There was silence for a moment, and Grissom had a feeling he knew exactly what Catherine was going to ask next. He had to repress a sigh as he was proved right. "How are you doing?"

"I'm all right, Catherine," he replied, a little bit surprised when he realized he was – at least for the moment. "I'm fine." There was another moment of silence, and Grissom figured Catherine was probably trying to decide whether she believed him or not. Apparently she did, because he could hear the relief in her voice as she finally spoke. "I'm glad you finally..." The rest of the sentence was lost on him as his hearing suddenly faded out. For a second he sat completely still, having trouble processing what had just happened. He had almost completely forgotten about his hearing. "Cath," he finally whispered, and then fell silent. He didn't know what to say – he knew he couldn't lie anymore. Sara, suddenly realizing what was wrong, gently took the phone from him. He watched her lips move as she spoke to Catherine, and he pretended he could hear her voice.

Minutes later, Sara was just saying goodbye to Catherine when Grissom's hearing returned to him. "Is it back?" Sara asked, seeing the look on his face. He nodded. She sighed as she sat back down, and watched as he pushed his store bought waffle around his plate. "You need to eat that you know Gris," she commented softly. He shrugged, and followed her directions with little enthusiasm. So much for being all right, he thought bitterly. You're still going deaf.
Realizing he wasn't in the mood to talk, Sara began to eat her own breakfast, keeping one eye on Grissom as she did so.

When they were both finished, Sara took their plates and put them in the sink before following Grissom into the living room, where he had slumped down on the sofa.
"What?" he snapped irritably as she sat next to him and sighed. He immediately regretted it as he saw the look of hurt that flashed across her face. It was his turn to sigh. Why did he always have to ruin it when things were going so good? "Sara, I'm sorry," he apologized.
"It's all right, Gris," Sara brushed his apology off, giving him a small smile that didn't really hide how much he had hurt her with just that little comment. "You've been through a lot lately."
Grissom had to force down an angry reply to her words. He knew that had nothing to do with it. He was just avoiding the facts, and hurting Sara in the process. He couldn't believe that she was still willing to stay here with him after all the times he'd hurt her. He also couldn't believe he was still uncertain about what to do concerning his feelings for her. It would be easy for most people – you loved someone, and they loved you, so you did something about it. You talked to them, and worked things out. But that was when things got complicated. Don't think about it, he told himself automatically, and immediately cringed inwardly.
"Old habits die hard," he mumbled to himself.
"What?" Sara asked, but he shook his head.
"Nothing."
The look on her face told him she didn't believe him, but she let it go at that for the moment. "Catherine wants us all to go out when they're finished shift. I don't know where exactly yet, we're supposed to meet them at the lab later. She wants to discuss options for your hearing. She said something about a surgery that could work."
"And nobody thought to ask me?" Grissom muttered, and Sara's eyes flashed. She was not going to let him push her around anymore.
"Grissom, you need to talk to us," she snapped, "You need to talk to us, and hear what we have to say."
Grissom glared at her. "I told you everything there is to tell last night, what more do you want?"
"I know, Grissom," the look in Sara's eyes softened, but only a little bit. Her voice had a tinge of sarcasm in it. "You told us a lot last night, and I know that was definitely against your nature, but now you have to continue to do that. You need to get your feelings out, and let us help you deal with them. As we've all seen, you aren't exactly the best person for dealing with emotions."
"Wait a minute," Grissom's voice was disbelieving and angry. "You all just expect me to let you butt in on my life and tell me how to live?"
"Yeah, that's basically it," Sara said just as angrily, realizing it was going to take a lot to get her point across to him. "And if you don't like that, too bad. You screwed up big time, Grissom, and the team doesn't – I don't - want to see your life continue its downward spiral until you hit rock bottom for real. We aren't just your colleagues, you know, we do care about you."
"My life was fine before you all decided to get involved," Grissom snapped, angry that after all these years he was losing his control at the worst possible moment. "And I can deal with my emotions just fine!"
"No, Grissom," Sara said, glad she was getting some feeling out of him, "your life wasn't fine, and you know it. And your emotions – you don't deal with them, you push them away. You can't do that, ever, because sooner or later it's going to blow up in your face. As you now know."
Instead of throwing an angry reply in her face, Grissom stood abruptly and walked out the door, body tense and hands trembling. Sara let him go, sensing he needed time to compose himself. She desperately wanted to follow him, and tell him she was sorry and that they should just forget it had ever happened, but she couldn't. He needed to realize what he was doing to himself, and she knew it was time for her to back off and give him some space. She knew he'd be back in time to meet the team. It was the one thing she was sure of – no matter how often he pushed her away, she'd return. And no matter how often he tried to make himself run away, in the end he'd always drift back and find her again. The only problem being, whenever he drifted back to her, he would only come so close before shying off again. And it was all because of that damn connection that they both felt – that he was trying so hard to deny. With a small sigh, she turned on the TV and settled in to wait.

Grissom was halfway down the street before he realized he had no idea where he was going, and that he'd forgotten his jacket, and his keys. He was good and pissed though, and he wasn't about to go running back to the apartment with his tail between his legs just because he'd forgotten his damn jacket.

He knew he had no real reason to be pissed at anyone but himself. Sara was right – he'd screwed up, and now he was paying. He didn't know why he kept defending himself. He knew as well as anyone else that his position was indefensible. It was like trying to fight a war against an advancing army ten times the size of yours, and you in the middle of a flat plain with no protection on front, back, or either side. Hopeless. Shaking his head, he slowed his pace as he calmed down.

Finally, he wandered into a small park a few blocks from his apartment and sat down on the swings. There was no one around – duh, he thought to himself irritably, it's midnight – and the soft breeze that moved through the trees made him shiver in his short-sleeved shirt.

From where he was sitting, he could just make out the neon lights of the strip, and he smiled faintly as the far off sound of sirens broke through the silence. There was always something going on...
Suddenly, he felt a sharp longing to be back at work, with his team and a challenging murder to investigate. At least it would take his mind off things. Trying to hide again, Gil? he asked himself silently. He was. Of course he was – that was all he did these days. Hide from himself – hide from his team. He was never honest with himself, or anyone else for that matter. If he was honest, he'd lose the control he'd worked so hard to keep – and he'd have to admit how he felt about Sara. The way he felt when he was around her was different from anything he'd ever experienced before, and the unknown was always a risk. A risk he dealt with like everything else – by pushing it away. The only problem was it wouldn't just go away. Sara hung around, always waiting, wanting something from him that he was terrified to give. Something he didn't know how to give – or even explain.
Some things, he thought as he pushed himself slowly on the swing, just can't be put into words.

Back at the apartment, Sara glanced at the clock for the second time in five minutes. Where was he? It had been a long time since Grissom had left, and she was beginning to get worried despite her resolution to give him his space.

It was hours later when a thoroughly chilled Grissom finally forced himself to return home. He had cooled down, literally and figuratively, and he had to talk to Sara. She was right, and as much as he hated the thought of letting anyone invade his privacy, he knew he had to talk to someone.
Rubbing his arms to keep warm as he walked, he paused at the door of his apartment to listen as the sound of a song that was playing softly over the speakers caught his ear.

Did you ever fall in love at the right time or place
Does it always have to move at its own kind of pace
When you're driving on cruise control coming off a bumpy ride and your heart is back in shape then it hits you with no chance to hide

But don't you miss out on the way, don't find a reason to say

Coulda woulda shoulda, but I didn't do that, you gotta give it a shot dare to believe and don't say you coulda woulda shoulda
But I didn't do that, just throw in everything you've got
'Cause in love there's no holding back

You tell me that you play it safe cause you're afraid
To hurt your neck
On that rollercoaster trip
Never knowing what you'd get
But do you wanna be cynical
On a date with destiny
Giving up the greatest rush
Who knows what it turns out to be
Don't you miss out on the way
Don't find a reason to say

Coulda woulda shoulda
But I didn't do that
You gotta give it a shot
Dare to believe
And don't say you
Coulda woulda shoulda
But I didn't do that
Just throw in everything you've got
'Cause in love there's no holding back

It's meant to be
Don't think about it
Let love run free
Cause you're on your way
Follow your heart when it's calling on you
Don't you say

Coulda woulda shoulda
Oh, but I didn't do that
You gotta give it a shot
Dare to believe
And don't say you
Coulda woulda shoulda
But I didn't do that
Just throw in everything you've got
'Cause in love there's no holding back

Grissom's hand trembled a bit as it touched the door in front of him. Dare to believe. He'd never allowed himself to believe in anyone – himself included. He trusted no one, and that meant he never got hurt. At least, he never allowed himself to believe he trusted anyone. He had trusted Sara when he needed someone – now it was just a matter of letting her know that that trust was real. He knew if he didn't let her know how he really felt, he would regret it for the rest of his life. He'd be left thinking of what he could have, or would have done. What he should have done.
"Celine Dion," he mused quietly to himself. "That's not someone I ever thought I'd listen to."

Taking a breath, he pushed through the door. Sara looked up from where she sat on the couch, startled. The look of relief on her face told him how worried she'd been.
"Sara," he started to say, but she stood, shaking her head. She had caught the look in his eyes – one of hope, uncertainty, and something she couldn't quite put her finger on, but that told her he was through running.

"You don't have to say anything, Grissom," she said softly. "I know. Everything's going to be fine."
"All right," he replied as she wrapped a blanket around his shivering form. "I believe you."
Sara smiled at him, eyes dancing with elation. "It's about time," she whispered teasingly. "Do you know how long it's taken me to get your attention?"
Grissom stared at her for a moment, and then she wrapped her arms around him and he let himself be pulled closer.
"It didn't take you long at all to get my attention," he mumbled softly to her, his voice muffled because his face was hidden against her neck. "It just took me some time to convince myself you were for real."
Sara laughed, and pulled the blanket around herself as well so they were both wrapped in a tight cocoon. "I love you, Gris," she whispered.
For a moment he was silent, and then he gently pulled away from her, and turned her face so he could see her. "I love you too, Sara," he replied quietly as he kissed her, and the look in her eyes told him he had made the right decision in trusting her. She would be there for him, no matter what.

It was the first time since he was seven years old that he had trusted and loved someone so completely, and it was a good feeling; a great feeling.

The End