Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Harry Potter characters, sigh. Wouldn't it be lovely if I did!

Chapter 4

March 10

OH MY GODS! I did something today, something I should never have done. I let Harry kiss me. Merlin help me, I was so weak…

After class, he stayed back while the others left. I heard him tell Ron and Hermione that he had some questions for me. After everyone else had gone, he turned to me and smiled, and asked if I minded going over a couple of things he didn't understand. What else could I say? I am his teacher after all. He pulled out his notes and spread them out on the desk. He fired away, asking all kinds of things. He seemed different somehow – slightly nervous? I patiently answered all of his questions, even though there were a few of them he really didn't need to ask. Was he stalling for time? He had also moved very close beside me.

Soon, he ran out of things to say. I saw him swallow hard and then I felt his hand on the side of my face! It was trembling! He tilted my face up towards his and said very softly, 'Claire, you are so beautiful.' Before I could say anything, he leaned down and kissed me ever so gently! A battle began in my head. One side was screaming at me, don't do it; this is wrong; stop! The other side was screaming right back, just as loudly, yes; at last; this is heaven!!! I felt his arms around my shoulders and the kiss deepened. My hands instinctively ran up his back and I felt him shiver. When I felt his tongue touch my own, it happened. The battle had been won in my head.

I broke the kiss and pulled back. I just stood there, panting, looking into his bewildered face. The only word I could manage was 'no'. He said he didn't understand. I said, 'I can't do this, I'm your teacher. This isn't right'.

He ran his fingers through his hair, still not understanding. Then he said something that totally blew me away. Harry said, 'I know you want me, Claire. I've known for a long time now. I want you too. I have since the first day I met you.'

Oh dear sweet Merlin! How can I say no to him? There I stood looking into those innocent green eyes, looking upon that gorgeous face and delicious body and I heard myself saying no once again. The woman side of my brain is screaming madly – are you insane? He has just admitted he has feelings for you. What the fuck are you doing saying no? Say yes! SAY YES, DAMN IT!

But it is the teacher side of my brain that is speaking and making the decisions for all of us. I hear my voice saying that I can't, I mustn't. We are teacher and student and it has to stay that way. We can't do this. The tears well up in my eyes and the words are shaky as I say, 'Dear, sweet Harry, we can't do this. I… I have to go.'

I turned and ran back here as fast as I could, not daring to look back. I have been crying for the past 4 hours. There are so many splotches on this page, I don't know if I'll ever be able to read what I wrote. I ask myself, why would you want to read about such a painful moment?

I realize that I never admitted to Harry that he was right about my feelings toward him. Do you think he might figure he was mistaken and move on? Half of me (the teacher half I suppose) wants that to happen so I could have an easy solution to my predicament. If he goes off me, there will be no repeat of tonight's kiss, and that would be that. The other half of me, the woman half, thinks it would be the worst thing that could possibly happen.

I think I heard an expression once, that which doesn't kill us makes us stronger. I don't feel very strong right now.

March 11

What a rotter of a day! It started out in the staff room this morning before class. I guess I wasn't my usual cheery self, and one of my colleagues noticed. Flitwick was well meaning I'm sure, but once he asked me what was wrong, everyone there sat up and took notice, waiting for my answer. What could I say? Hardly the truth! Could you imagine the uproar it would have caused if I had said, well you see, I'm in love with Harry Potter and I had to push him away last night because teachers are not allowed to shag the students, and that's why I'm not in a good mood!

Anyway, I just said that I was having a problem with one of the students. Minerva was nice and offered to help. I just said thanks, but I would handle it in my own way. Then Snape threw in his 2 Knuts worth and started tearing a strip off me. He said that it was my own fault if I was having student problems because I was too lenient with them and that I tried too hard to be their friend. He said that I could learn a lesson from him and try some of his methods. 'A little intimidation goes a long way', he said. Who does he think he is? Does he think I want the students to feel about me the same way they do about him? I think not! I'd rather die. I would have dearly loved to tell him to fuck off and leave me alone. I just gave him a fake smile and repeated that I would handle it my own way. Fucking greasy git!

As if that all wasn't enough, there was a very awkward moment between Harry and me. Why did he and I have to arrive at the classroom door at the exact same moment? There we were, face to face, standing like a couple of idiots. I said 'Good afternoon, Harry'; he said, 'Good afternoon, Professor' and motioned for me to enter first. His smile was gone, replaced by a look of such hurt!

I know how he feels for my heart is broken, too. I am not allowed to show my pain. I have to keep it bottled up inside me. I can tell only you, my dear friend and confidant. Alas, you have no wise words of wisdom to offer me.

March 20

Harry and I have both settled into a routine. We keep our distance from one another, only communicating when required in class. He seems to be better lately; I mean at least I have seen him smiling. Unfortunately, it is not directed towards me. He at least is able to enjoy his friends. I wonder if they know anything about what happened between us? I have a sneaking suspicion that they don't because there has been no change in attitude from either Ron or Hermione. I'm glad of that! I don't want them to think of me as a pervert, which I know I am not but I can't help feeling like one.

This is what I wanted, wasn't it? That Harry should get over me? Perhaps if I keep saying it and writing it enough times, I'll actually start to believe that this is what I want and be happy about it.

April 12

Today is Easter Sunday. I had seriously considered leaving the school for the duration of the Easter break, but I decided against it. I can't run away from my problems, can I? Leaving would not have solved anything. My absence would have been conspicuous as everyone knows that I have nowhere to go. They know that I have no family. I suppose that I could have made up some lame story about being invited by friends but I really can't be bothered getting caught up in a lie. Once you start, you have to remember what you've said to whom and it ain't easy not to slip up. Believe me, I know! I have done this only once in my life and I was found out. Liar is not one of my favorite nicknames. I swore I would never do it again.

We had a nice supper, as usual. It was attended by pretty much the same gang as was here for Christmas. So you know, dear Diary, that that means Harry was here. I couldn't help but watch him whenever the opportunity presented itself. He does his best to be cheerful even though I know that he has a lot on his shoulders. He is a very patient and gentle young man. He spent the afternoon teaching one of the young lads, Brian Smythe, how to play Wizard's chess. Harry would make a wonderful teacher. I don't think it is something he has ever considered as a career. He never mentioned it to me. That was back in the 'good old days' when we were still friends. Sigh! His absence has left quite a large hole in my life and in my heart.