Authors' Note: Scene Two comes to you today courtesy of Fritos Chili Cheese corn chips, a slightly melted Butterfinger, and AngelAsh's mom's pot roast. Also thanks to the lingering aroma of the henna that we used to tattoo ourselves at 2 in the morning last night... But we digress...
Scene Two:
SCENE OPENS ON DOROTHY, TOTO, THE TINMAN (er, woman), THE SCARCROW, AND THE LION AT THE GATES OF OZ
Kagome: (rings the bell)
Inuyasha: Why are we ringing? It's just made of paper, ya know.
BEFORE KAGOME CAN ANSWER THE DOOR KEEPER OPENS THE PEEPHOLE DOOR
Kagome: Houjou-kun?
Houjou: (smiling) Higurashi. Have you been eating the dehydrated Rocky Mountain oysters that I gave you?
THE MEN COVER THEIR NETHER REGIONS AS KAGOME GOES BRIGHT RED
Kouga: What kind of a sick bastard is he?
Miroku: I feel faint...
Sango: I'm not going to catch you.
Inuyasha: (hides behind Kagome)
Kagome: Erm, can we come in?
Houjou: Oh sorry. The bell doesn't work. Read the notice.
Everyone: (looking around) What notice?
Houjou: Oh, that's right. I had it laminated, and framed, and I haven't put it out yet.
HOUJOU-KUN BRINGS OUT A SPARKLY SIGN AND HANGS IT ON THE GATES. IT READS: BELL OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE KNOCK.
Houjou-kun: Thank you. (shuts the peephole door)
Inuyasha: Is he serious? Sankon ...
Kagome: Inuyasha, I'll say the word.
Inuyasha: Eeep.
Kouga: (kicks the gates down and gives Kagome a look that says "I dare you to try and 'sit' me...)
Inuyasha: Right on!
Kagome: Stop encouraging him!
Miroku: Now what were we doing?
Sango: (smacks Miroku with her Hiraikotsu) It's only a part. You really do have a brain... I think.
Miroku: (smiling politely) Of course I do. (under breath) Heartless wench.
Sango: I heard that.
Miroku: (sweatdropping) Shall we get moving?
AS THEY ENTER THE EMERALD CITY A CHORUS OF VOICES FILLS THE AIR
Inuyasha: I thought we left that behind at the Munchkin City.
Kagome: You'd better get used to it.
Koga: What the hell did they do to that poor horse? (looking over at a carraige being pulled by Jinenji, the hanyou.)
Jinenji: (utterly humiliated) Why do I even bother coming out?
Kogame: (sweetly) You look very lovely, Jinenji.
Jinenji: (perking up happily) Aw, thanks.
Inuyasha: (honestly) No he doesn't. He looks like an idiot!
Kagome: INUYASHA! You heartless....
Inuyasha: (looking bewildered at her outburst) WHAT?!
Kagome: SIT!!!!!
Inuyasha : (faceplants but bumps into Koga and takes him down with him. They recover and start brawling again in the front of the carriage)
Miroku: (stepping over the two and helping Sango into the waiting transportation) They'll catch up once they've finished fondling each other.
Inuyasha and Koga: (springing apart) SHADDUP!!!!
EVERYONE PILES IN AND JINENJI CARRIES THEM THE SHORT DISTANCE...ABOUT FIVE FEET... TO THE WAITING WOMEN WHO ARE READY TO FIX THEM UP AND MAKE THEM PRESENTABLE TO MEET WITH THE WIZ.
Inuyasha: We got inot the cart to go that far?
Koga: How lame!
Sango: Who thought up this set design? They are warped.
Angelash and Jess: Blame it on MGM. We only have the set on loan for two more hours, then it's schedualed to be blown up in a Schwartzenegger movie.
Everyone: (cricket chirping in background) ...
Koga: Schwar-ta wanger?
Inuyasha: Sounds like something Miroku might pull....
Miroku: Sometimes I wish the "S" word worked on both of you...
EVERYONE ENTERS THE 'BOUTIQUE' AND IS TAKEN TO A DIFFERENT AREA. DORTHY IS SURPRISED TO FIND HER LITTLE BROTHER THERE, COMB, BRUSHES AND HUGE SMILE.
Kagome: Souta? (big grin) Your in this too?
Sota: Yup. But they cut my scene in the Munchikin land, so I'm here to dress your hair.
Kogame: (several sweat drops forming on her head, starting to twitch with fear) Y-y-you? Your going to work on my hair?!
Sota: (genki) HAI! I can even die your eyes to match your gown!
Kagome: (under her breath) Sounds like a science experiment gone bad.....
Sota: Have a seat, sis! I have some great ideas for you!
MEANWHILE, TOTO IS CHASING THE MISTRESS CENTIPEDE AROUND THE ROOM FOR TRYING TO 'GROOM' HIM. KOGA IS HOWLING IN PROTEST AS HAKAKU AND GINTA HOLD HIM DOWN WHILE SEVERAL WOMEN PUT RINGLETS IN HIS HAIR AND TAIL. SANGO HAS BACKED EVERYONE IN HER ROOM UP AGAINST THE WALL AND IS THREATENING THEM WITH HER BOOMERANG FOR TRYING TO 'BUFF' HER. MIROKU IN THE MEANTIME AND SIGHING WITH COMPLETE BLISS AS A GOGGLE OF ATTRACTIVE WOMEN IN SHORT GREEN DRESSES STUFF HIS CLOTHING WITH HANDFULLS OF STRAW.
Authors: Okay, seeing as this scene is SO not working out well, we will be moving along to the Wizard's chambers.
Inuyasha: (holding his nose and giving Kogame a worried look) Oi, Kagome. What the hell happened to your hair?
Kogame: (near bursting into wild hysterical tears as she plucks at the spiked hair, held several feet high in the sky by four bottles of Aqua Net) Souta.... (suddenly burst into tears and launches herself into Inuyasha's arms, sobbing all over him. Inuyasha tries to avoid getting an eye poked out from her lethal hairdo and awkwardly pats her back)
Sango: (looking sympathetically at her) Bad idea.... I remember the time Kohaku took a pair of scissors to my hair... (sighs as she remembers)
Inuyasha and Kagome: (staring in the other direction with wide eyes) Er...Kouga?
Kouga: (walking out testily, ringlets covering his entire body, including his tail) Grr.....
Inuyasha: (falling to the ground and laughing hysterically)
Miroku: (exiting with a lady on each of his arms) It was wonderful, ladies. Feel free to stuff me anytime. By the way, would either of you like to bear my child?
Sango: (volcano burst of anger shooting out of her head) EXCUSE ME? STUFF WHAT?!?!
THE WOMEN GIVE OFF TINY SHRIEKS OF TERROR THEN RUN BACK INTO THE SHOP. MIROKU SEES HIS DEATH IN THE ANGRY WOMAN'S EYES AND BLANCHES WHITE.
Miroku: (weakly) s-straw...I'm the straw man... they gave me some new..... (starts seeing tiny spots before his eyes as he begins to hyperventilate)
Sango: (suddenly calm again) Oh, alrighty then.
Everyone: (face plants into the ground over her sudden change in moods)
AngelaAsh: (to Jess) Wrong time of the month to do this....
Jess: Ya think? (both move even farther out of Sango's reach and hide behind Sesshoumaru, using him as a shield)
AngelAsh: (grinning happily up at the tall hunk) How's it going handsome?
Jess: Hey! Back off! I have prior calim.
Sesshoumaru: (raising one elegant eyebrow, a slight half grin gracing his lips) Hontou ka?
Jess: (authoritative tone to her voice, hands on hips) Don't argue with me, demon boy! This is my story and I make the rules! Therefor, you are mine!
Miroku: (sobbing) How soon she replaces me!
Sango: (giving him a disgusted death glare) You PANSY!
Kagome: (forlornly to Inuyasha) How far we have digressed.....
Inuyasha: (nodding a bit and watching with glee as his brother is shoved into a nearby closet by Jess, who is saving him for later)
Jess: (sing songing, and skipping back over) More bishonen for Jess, more bishonen for Jess....
AngelAsh: (shakes her head in dismay) And I thought I was bad....
Jess: (overly genki, as she thinks of all the henti things she will do to Sesshoumaru, suddenly sings out the Queen song, "THE SHOW MUST GO ON"! Not wanting to argue, everyone scrambles to the next scene)
AngelAsh: (grinning with pride) I'm so PROUD OF YOU JESS! (two authors give each other high fives and follow their terrified cast) I get him when your done, right?
Jess: We will discuss that later.... let us continue.....
OUR BRAVE COMPANIONS FIND THEMSELVES IN A LONG AND DARK HALLWAY LEADING DOWN INTO AN EVEN DARKER LOOKING ROOM. KOGA IS TUGGING FRANTICALLY AT HIS HAIR TO GET HIS HAIR TO RELAX FROM THE TIGHT RINGLETS CURLS WHILE INUYASHA TRIES HELPING KAGOME FLATTEN HER WILD HAIR DOWN BY DUMPING WATER OUT OF A VASE NEARBY THAT HAD PREVIOUSLY HELD FLOWERS. SANGO IS DRAGGING MIROKU BEHIND HER, AS SHE COLD COCKED HIM FOR RUBBING HER BUTT AGAIN, SMILING A BIT OVER HIS RENEWED INTEREST IN HER DERRIERE.
Kagome: (wringing out her dress and glaring at a sheepish Inuyasha) Had to use every last drop, didn't you?
Inuyasha: It was sticky. Get over it.
Kouga: (tugging at his curls) You could have saved some for me! These things won't relax!
Inuyasha: (grinning wickedly) You look good as a poodle. Maybe Miroku will hit on you when he regains consciousness.
Kouga: SHADDUP! (leaps up to kick him and slips on some water that was left over on the floor, landing hard no his back)
Kagome: (growling in frustration) Will you two PLEASE stop fighting. We're about to meet the Wizard.
Inuyasha: It's about freakin' time.
EVEYONE STOPS AS THE HUGE DOOR BEFORE THEM OPEN ON THEIR OWN
Inuyasha: Freaky...
Kagome: Let's get this over with already.
Kouga: Couldn't have said it better myself.
THEY WALK INTO THE ROOM AND FIND A SIGN: OUT TO LUNCH. BACK IN AN HOUR
Everyone: What the hell!!!
Authors: He's Union.
EVERYONE TROOPS BACK OUTSIDE TO WAIT FOR THE WIZ TO GET BACK FROM HIS LUNCH BREAK
Inuyasha: This sucks!
Kouga: You said it dog turd.
Kagome: Don't start.
Miroku: (finally regaining consciousness) What did I miss? (upon receiving death glares from his companions he pretends to be out again)
FROM OUT OF NOWHERE, SAIMIOUSHOU APPEAR AND AS A SWARM CARRY A SCREAMING KAGOME OFF. NARAKU'S HUGE FACE APPEARS IN THE SKY
Naraku: Fly, you fools!
Authors: Wrong movie! You're not Gandalf.
Naraku: Oh, right. Fly, my pretties. (cackling)
Authors: That'll work...
Inuyasha: Oh, now he gets into it.
Kouga: I see he's embraced his feminine side.
NARAKU GIVES THEM A NAUGHTY FINGER GESTURE AND DISAPPEARS
Kouga: We've got to save Dorothy!
Inuyasha: I'll do the saving, thank you.
Kouga: Shaddup!
Sango: (slapping her forehead) Why do I get stuck with the weirdos?! TAKE MEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!
SAIMIOUSHOU APPEAR AND CARRY THE TINMAN (er, woman) OFF TOO
Miroku: Is it safe to wake up yet?
IGNORING THE MONK, THE TWO DEMONS RUN OFF AFTER THE BUGS. MEANWHILE IN THE CASTLE OF THE WICKED WITCH, DOROTHY AND THE TINMAN (er, woman) ARE GAZING INTO NARAKU'S (er, the Wicked Witch's) GAZING BALL
Kagome: Hey! She's got cable!
Sango: You are so warped.
Naraku: I'm a male. Not female.
Kagome: (patting his arm) Of course you are dear.
Naraku: Script or no script, you're dead.
Kagome: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!
Sango: (in a demonic voice) Will you both behave? I don't want to have to knock you both off.
Kagome and Naraku: Eep!
MIROKU, KOUGA, AND INUYASHA REACH THE WICKED WITCH'S CASTLE AND BRUSH PAST THE GUARDS
Kagura and Kanna: Ouchie.
Saimiyoushou: bzzzzzzzzz...
Inuyasha and Kouga: (looking unimpressed) That's it?
Miroku: (pouting) You didn't save any for me...
Inuyasha and Kouga: Stop whining.
MEANWHILE, BACK IN THE WICKED WITCH'S CASTLE NARAKU FLIPS OVER THE HOURGLASS
Naraku: When this sand runs out you'll both be dead.
Voice From Off Camera: Like sands through the hourglass, so are the days of our lives.
(sound of Jess slapping AngelAsh)
AngelAsh: Ouchie!
Jess: This isn't a soap opera.
AngelAsh: Could have fooled me...
Miroku: FOCUS!
AngelAsh: (pouting) That's my line.
Kagome: (clears her throat) Take the slippers already. Just don't kill me. I mean us. (glares at Sango) You aren't supposed to be here.
Sango: (shrugging) I didn't want to be stuck with the idiots.
Inuyasha, Kouga, and Miroku: (sneeze violently)
Kagome: Good point.
Inuyasha: (at the top of his lungs) KAGOMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!
Kagome: NANIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII??
Inuyasha: What do you mean "nani"? I'm here to rescue you, you twit!
Kagome: Osuwari!
Miroku: And I have come for you my lovely Sango. (leaps into the room dramatically)
Sango: Baka...
Kouga: (hands a glass of water to Kagome and points to Naraku) Throw it on her.
Naraku: I AM NOT A HER!!
Kagome: (shrugs and chucks the water at Naraku) Die already.
Naraku: (dripping and fuming while green make up runs) That's it. I quit.
Authors: (shrugging) That'll work.
Inuyasha: Can we go see the freakin' Wizard now?
Everyone: HAI!
THEY WALK THE FEW HUNDRED YARDS TO THE SET OF EMERALD CITY WHICH IS BEING DISMANTLED FOR THE MOVE TO THE SCHWARTZANEGGER MOVIE
Houjou-kun: (walking past, carrying the shredded cardboard gates) If you still want to see the Wizard, I'd hurry. They're about to take down his room.
Inuyasha: Figures.
Kagome: Let's just hurry.
THEY RUN DOWN THE DARK HALLWAY AND INTO 'THE ROOM' WHERE THUNDER, SMOKE, AND FLASHING LIGHTS ARE GOING OFF
Kagome: Why do I see Hiten and Manten's hand in this?
Thunder Brothers: (peek around a corner and wave) Great effects, ne? We also do weddings, birthdays, and barmitsvas.
Everyone: Stop with the shameless self promotion.
THUNDER RUMBLES AGAIN, THE FLOOR SHAKES AND A VOICE COMES FROM NOWHERE
Wizard: What is you're name?
Inuyasha: (a bit confused) Inuyasha.
Wizard: What is your quest?
Inuyasha: To get back home to the cans-ass.
Kagome: (smacks him in the back of the head) It's Kansas!
Wizard: What is your favorite color?
Inuyasha: Um, red?
SUDDENLY INUYASHA GOES FLYING ACROSS THE ROOM AND SMACKS INTO THE WALL. HE GOES THROUGHT THE PAINTED DRYWALL AND CRASHED TO THE GROUND BELOW
Kagome: Why did you do that? Red is his favorite color!
Wizard: I just wanted to try this button here.
Jess: Was he quoting Monty Python?
AngelAsh: I think so.
Jess: Good show.
KIRARA APPEARS AND PULLS THE CURTAIN IN THE CORNER OF THE ROOM BACK REVEALING...
Everyone: (gasp) Myouga!!
Inuyasha: WHAT!!!!!
INUYASHA DIVES FOR THE CURTAIN AND GRABS THE FLEA DEMON
Inuyasha: We spent all that freakin' time just to find you?!
Sango: Well that was anticlimactic.
KIRARA TRANSFORMS TO BIG CAT MODE AND SANGO CLIMBS ONTO HER BACK
Sango: I'm done.
Miroku: Me too. Can I catch a ride?
HE CLIMBS ON BEHIND HER, AND AFTER RECEIVING A SLAP FOR FONDLING, THEY RIDE OFF INTO THE SUNSET TOGETHER
Myouga: Wait I have lines.
Inuyasha: (drops the flea and picks Kagome up) Feh! Save 'em.
KAGOME KICKS OFF THE RUBY SLIPPERS BEFORE SHE AND INUYASHA LEAP OFF INTO THE SUNSET
Kouga: Oi! What about me!?
Myouga: Just put on the Ruby Slippers and click your heals together three times.
BEFORE THE FLEA DEMON CAN SAY ANYMORE KOUGA HAS THE SLIPPERS ON AND IS CLICKING HIS HEELS TOGETHER. HE DISAPPEARS IN A FLASH OF LIGHT AND SMOKE ONLY TO REAPPEAR IN ANGELASH'S ARMS
Kouga: Ack! This isn't home.
AngelAsh: You didn't specify a destination, so I tweaked the slippers a bit.
Jess: (happily) I'll go get Sesshoumaru.
Authors: Make out time!
CURTAIN CLOSES AS THE AUTHORS DRAG THEIR MEN OFF
THE END
Authors Final Word: Again we own nothing. We owe a great deal to the Fritos company, Top Ramen, Butterfinger, Hot Topic (for the henna) and anyone else we forgot to mention. Especially Rumiko Takahashi and the makers of the movies we so happily dismantled here. This was meant purely as fun so don't take anything seriously. Thanks!