DISCLAIMER: If, IF, I owned this, do you think I would be wasting my time of "FAN"fiction when half of the world is awaiting the HBP? Do you think half the world would be waiting at all? Do you think you would ever have heard of Harry Potter if I were the author? Seriously now...

A/N: lookie! A new crappy fic from me! Whoopeedoo! ::smiles sheepishly:: Sorry…it's just something that was begging to be written instead of a reaction paper and a lab report ::winces:: Hope you like it though, screwed up as it is…

The italicized text are flashbacks since this is all Draco's POV... I don't even know where I'm going with this. Heck, I doubt I'll even continue. But tell me what you think I'd love to hear from you. Flame me if you want… just as long as I get a review of any sort ::grin::

Oh, and if you don't like slash, I suggest you not to read this fic. It's not exactly slash yet but there are hints of it. ::hits head:: Ged I can't believe I wrote this…anyhow, read and review?

Summary: He is the reason I feel all this pain. I have every right to hate him right now. I have every reason to kill him with my very hands. But why is it that I just can't?

Mesmerized

The truth of his stare

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I cower under his gaze; his eyes boring into mine. His lips set into a straight line, sweet, tantalizing, foreboding. He was scrutinizing. Looking right into the very depths of me, seeing every fault and failure I have tried all my life to hide.

I wanted to get away, to hide from his stare. I wanted to run, to get as fast as I can away from him. But I couldn't. I couldn't move. He always had that power over me. And I didn't like it. I was used to being in control; to having everybody stare at me in awe, fearing my wrath, yet adoring me all the same. But he wasn't like that. He never was. He always had to defy every single thing that came from me.

He was the epitome of good; while I was that of evil. He was the angel, the prince of the light, the savior of all; while I sat in my throne in hell, tormenting anything and everything that came within my view.

Damn how I hate him.

He always had all eyes on him, eyes that were supposed to be on me. He stole everything that I had:

My money,

My power,

My friends,

My family,

The one and only person I have ever loved.

How I want to strangle him with my very arms and kill him right now. What do I care if the old cook is watching? What do I care if I go to Azkaban because I killed their savior?

What do I care about anything at all?

I have no reason to live anymore. No reason to stay in this world. I have no reason to exist.

I don't eat during meal times, I don't sleep at night, I don't play Quidditch anymore. He must have loved it when I quit the team. When his only rival decided to drop his position and give all the honor of being able to match his skill up. The Dream Team probably had a field day when they heard of it.

I want to kill them all one by one.

What difference does it make? I know they want to do the same.

I cut myself too, you know. I started every since I learned of my parents' death. I was devastated when I heard of the news. And I did something I have never done ever since I was 3, I cried.

I sat in a corner of my room, huddling my bloodied form into a fetal position, rocking my head in my arms. I felt so helpless. I have never felt that way before in my life. Not even when my Father tortured me endlessly in the dungeons of our Manor. I wanted nothing but to end it all then. That's when I saw it.

It was gleaming at me, its sharp corners calling out for me, telling me to take its splendor within my grasp. I held out my hand and beckoned it to come closer. I have been able to do wandless magic since I was 8 and summoning a small piece of glass wasn't much of a task.

Taking a closer look into it, I noticed that it had come from the mirror I had broken earlier. It wasn't just any mirror. It was one I had used countless times to call my Father and Mother. It was OUR mirror. A family heirloom. But there wasn't any family any more. There needn't be a mirror to remind me of those times either.

I punched it hard.

And it was gone forever.

Just like me. Just like us.

And as I silt my wrist deeply, I knew I would be with them soon. Even in the deepest of hell. That's where I deserved to be after all. I didn't protect my own Mother.

I was a coward, a weakling. And, as Father has said countless times, Malfoys are never weak. Those who are don't deserve to be a Malfoy. They only deserved death.

"Draco?" A sweet, feminine voice broke into my thoughts.

I sighed quietly. When will they learn to leave me alone? "What is it?" I asked curtly without even turning to face her concerned features.

She's looking at me worriedly I know. She is a great friend and all but sometimes…it just isn't enough. "Do you want to talk about it?" she was cautious. She had every reason to be. A week into the term and I have already hexed half a dozen of people for trying to talk to me.

Detentions didn't matter anymore.

Who would care anyway? I could die right here and now and the only 4 people who would have the decency to look sad don't really mean it. I know nobody cared.

My godfather saved me because it was his duty too. I know full well that if it wasn't for that fact, he would have left me bleeding there.

Pansy and Blaise are family friends. They are required to be sad for me. My Father has told their fathers so. And given that my Father's dead, I doubt they will truly feel morose when I die too.

Crabbe and Goyle would be too thick to even notice that I'm gone. They would probably think I hid away in my Manor again. Not that I don't want to…

The last person who would even notice my demise would be Dumbledore. As much as I hate to admit it, he would know. And despite everything, he would care. If even just a bit. He was a bloody Gryffindor. How could he not?

"Draco," I felt a slight nudge on my arm.

Finally getting the courage to turn away from the brilliant emeralds that held my stormy blue-grey ones across the hall, I glared at the girl beside me and I spoke to her in a dangerously calm tone, "Yes, Pansy?"

She was fidgeting. My glares had that kind of effect on people, "You zoned out on me again,"

The hurt was evident in her eyes. I felt a slight pang in my heart. True, she was a bitch. But she was like a sister to me. She was one of the few people who had tried to comfort me when my parents died. "Sorry," I muttered truthfully.

That seemed to work. "It's okay," she smiled sweetly, "just remember that I'm here. For anything…"

"I know Panse. Thanks." I wasn't sure if I should feel relieved with her assurance or not. But as I turned to my right and met the dark blue eyes of Blaise, I could tell that he feared for me as well. And I had to use all my will power to stop myself from blushing with shame. How dare I think that they would abandon me? They never had. And I know, I just do, that they never will.

I didn't return to the dorm after dinner. I didn't want to. So I headed out, outside of the castle, wandering about till I entered the Forbidden Forest. I sat down beside one of the trees near the edge of a cliff, hugging my knees close to me and just gazing up at the stars.

They seemed to taunt me, to show all my weaknesses in front of me. They seemed so much like him: pure, unadulterated, good…magnificent.

I didn't like to be reminded of him; he who has been the reason for all this. I was a coward. And as I shut my eyes and rocked my body, I only proved that fact once more.

That's why I don't like this place much. It reminded me too much of all the frightening beasts I had seen throughout my childhood. And I didn't want to remember. I wanted anything but to remember.

But unfortunately for me, I did.

The Death Eaters went on raids again and Mother somehow got stuck in the middle of a duel between an Auror and a follower of Voldemort. They were both wearing hoods, making it impossible for them to be recognized. Good for them, I thought bitterly. I knew I was liable tear the flesh of the bones of whoever dared get Mother involved.

She had never liked the dark side. She was always withdrawn because of it. Because Lucius would beat her up if she dared contradict him. I hated my Father for that. He wasn't always like that though… There were times when we used to be a happy family. One that loved each other.

But then the Dark Lord arose once again and Lucius was nearly driven to insanity. He tortured us for little disagreements. That's when Narcissa hid herself. She became a shell of who she was. Sure the world still saw her as the same, but what did they know? All I knew was that his Mother was nearly gone. And I wouldn't let that happen. I did all I could to bring my Mother back.

My plan was working. Too bad it worked too well for any of their good. I'm a Death Eater now, you see. I have been ever since I turned 16. So much for 'Sweet Sixteen', I thought, looking at the Dark Mark with venom.

But I didn't dare disobey his Father. We both knew I could handle all the physical torture that was aimed at me so Lucius struck where it hurt most. Narcissa.

And there they were that warm August night, in a muggle town near Surrey, satisfying their sadistic pleasures. I knew I didn't belong. The mere sight was revolting enough to make me throw up. But I remained cold, indifferent. Sneering and casting Unforgivables here and there when I knew someone was looking.

Things were going quite well, for them at any rate… Until the Aurors arrived. 20 of them, cloaked and poised to fight the other off. I was fending for myself quite well. When something caught my eye.

I saw long blond hair; that of a girl's. Not just any girl. But one I recognized quickly as my Mother. She was frightened, stuck there between two dueling, obviously powerful, Wizards. Fear was etched into every feature of her aristocratic face. I made to move near to help her when out of nowhere, green light shot out of another Auror's wand behind me.

It was headed for my Mother. And there was no way she could deflect the spell. But I knew I could block it. I knew I could save Lucius enough time to get his wife back to the safety of the Manor. That was when I made a mistake. I hesitated. And that short pause of doubt was what the curse needed to reach Mother.

She looked at me, the life draining out of her quickly. She mouthed 4 simple words. Words even a 1 year old child knows of. But they meant the world to me. It was the first time I heard them uttered ever since I boarded the Hogwarts Express all those years ago. And it was the last I ever heard of her voice.

Unlike movies, silence did not dawn on the town just because my Mother died. The battle raged on. As if Narcissa Black never existed. Everybody was still trying to survive, looking out only for themselves, not minding the limp body that lay on the ground.

I couldn't take it anymore. Taking one last fleeting look on my Mother's corpse, I apparated back to the Manor with a pop.

I locked myself in my room, forbidding the elves to let anybody enter. And as I lay on my bed in a stupor, I failed to notice the person at the door.

He spoke to me quite kindly. He was always like that. And I couldn't help but notice that his blue eyes weren't shining anymore. All sparkle in it was gone. I was about to shout at him to get lost when he told me the news.

I was too stunned to even react.

He left quietly after giving me a pat on the back, a small smile, a reassurance that I would forever be welcome to stay with him.

That's when I lost it.

My Father had died trying to avenge my Mother's untimely demise while I saved my own neck and hid in my room.

Trembling, I wiped my silent tears with the back of my hand. I felt so useless, so weak, so undeserving. I couldn't go on like this. Living day by day, trying to forget when it is my own fault I have lost my parents.

I wanted to kill myself so much. To stab my own heart with a dagger and just bleed out here when no one can possibly find me till I'm dead. I looked at my wrist where a scar had remained, unnoticed to my peers and professors. Only two other knew and I intend to keep it that way.

As I stared at it, remembering the wonderful feeling of power I had when I did it. I realized one thing. I couldn't do it. I couldn't kill myself. I couldn't do anything but cry like a child about it.

I really am a coward…One with no honor at that. I can't even do to myself what I had done to my family. My tears started to fall again. Silently at first…then I began to sob uncontrollably. All my feelings that were bottled up just spilled out of me.

I was curled up on the dirty grounds of the forest, crying like a baby but I could barely care less. All I wanted to know was if someone cared for me still; if anybody out there loves me.

Don't get me wrong, Panse and Blaise are great friends. It's just that now that they're together, I know that they would barely have time for me. I needed a shoulder to cry on. But so did they. I wasn't the only person who lost a loved one. I don't want to take them away from each other.

I vowed to live another day; to try and find another way. Maybe this is my punishment: to live in the world with no one to care and love me.

I fell asleep there, lying on the grass. But as soon as I did, I wished to never sleep again. I trashed around, screaming because all I ever have are nightmares now; all of them about my parents. Blaming me for not saving them, for abandoning them…

Panting slightly, not bothering to straighten my disheveled form, I tried to stand up on my shaky legs. I soon found out that I couldn't though and I was too weak to even try and break my fall. Not like anybody would know anyway…

But I never did.

Fall, I mean. For something—or rather—someone, caught me. A small smile found its way on my lips. Maybe someone did care. That small action was enough for me.

I lazily opened an eye to see who that person was. And when I did so, it was to eyes boring into mine. Searching… they were eyes clouded over pain, concern and an emotion I couldn't quite place. What shocked even more, though, was their color. They were that of those I hated and feared most.

Emerald green.

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A/N: how was it? ::gulps nervously:: I know the redundancy of that last line to my name sucks . but…oh well…

Any constructive criticism? Any response from anybody out there? Come on! I think I have "subtly" hinted enough… Just review… please?

Thanks .