Evas & Dragons: Part 2: There just HAD to be a Gnome!
By Caligoiel
Author's notes: Going to take the opportunity to reply to a couple of reviews I received (hehehe...)
Baladar: Good story, but I saw two problems.
1. A Diviner is a wizard that is specialized in divination; a sorcerer cannot become a diviner.
You are right and I will change the relevant sentence at some point.
2. I don't see a 1st level sorcerer casting a 9th level spell.
Yes, well... it seemed appropriate at the time.
Crimson Noble: I would like to point out that to kill a Tarrasque one needs the Wish spell? but I expect you knew that.
Yes I did. Think of it this way, if YOU were the Tarrasque and had to eat Misato's cooking then wouldn't you WISH you were dead? Hmm? ;)
As I understand it, rolling a 1 is a critical miss. The usual effect I've seen of this is a "You stab yourself in the foot" sort of thing.
True but if 1st level characters stabbed themselves, then they would probably end up killing themselves. And besides, the written outcome was much more amusing.
James W: An epic masterpiece?
One day... one day it shall be... one day...
Richard Sutton: Where is Kensuke?
Eaten by a dire fiendish were-Gerbil named Joey :P
Italics: Kaji in GM mode
Normal font: everyone else.
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"I'm going to die?" mumbled Shinji. He leaned on the table, propping his head up with an arm.
"No you shall not!" proclaimed Hikari. "I am a Paladin of Light and thus I always carry a stock of healing alchemy."
"Well use some already!" yelled Asuka.
"Shinji, make another stabilization check, oh dear me, you failed again and now are on -9."
"I quickly rush to Adhan and pour a cure light potion down his throat, healing 7 damage," rushed Hikari.
"Alright, you do and Adhan is up to -2 hitpoints. But on the plus side, he is stable."
"And YOU, Mr. Stumpy." growled Asuka.
"'It's... junior... Stumpy Junior.'"
"Kaji, I place the point of my sword squarely on the goblin and ask him why he attacked us."
"'I'm... not... telling'"
"Oh really?" grinned Asuka evilly. "Are you sure you won't change your mind?"
"The goblin looks like it is thinking then it abruptly says 'no'."
"Mr. Stumpy Junior," began Rei, "I highly suggest that you cooperate as the future does not look very good for you."
"'Oh? what gave you THAT idea?'"
"The fact that Sorceress Tashia is preparing her branding irons right now," added Rei.
"The goblin tries to turn and looks behind him... seeing?"
"Oh nothing really," explained Asuka. "I'm just heating up my branding irons so we can make the goblin more talkative."
Hikari stared wide eyed at Asuka. "Tashia?! No, you will not torture this poor goblin! It is inhumane and unjust! I cannot allow this!"
"'Yeah! don't torture the poor goblin'"
"But it isn't human, so how can this be called inhumane?" inquired Toji.
"No! Squire, how could you?! Have you already forgotten what I have taught you?" lectured Hikari, "After all the-"
"'What are you doing?!'"
"-lessons I have taught you and all the principals you have learned, how could-"
"'The self-righteous dimwit said not to torture me!'"
"-you forget the time we have spent together reciting the tenets of faith and the 37 lores of The Light, you even dare to-"
"'No, NO, NOT THERE!'"
"Er... Milady?" said Toji trying to interrupt the paladin.
"-jest that torturing a goblin is not inhumane? Does it not bleed as we do? Does it not-"
"'OH, THE AGONY!'"
"Milady! The Sorceress is-"
"Never mind the Sorceress! Does not the goblin feel pain as we do? Does it not-" continued Hikari.
"'OW, THE PAIN! THE PAIN OF IT ALL!'"
"-hunger as we do? Sleep as we do? All creatures have the right to live-"
"Hello? Milady?" asked Toji, waving his hand in front of Hikari.
"'No, ANYTHING BUT THAT IN THERE!'"
"-a life with out pain and suffering. To even suggest that we should torture the poor creature in order-"
"AAAEEEIIIEEEEE! MY SPLEEN!"
"But- but?" Toji attempted to interrupt yet again, but to no avail.
"-to obtain information from it? For shame Squire, for shame!"
"Well, I found out what we needed to know," said Asuka smugly.
Toji sighed as Hikari snapped to her senses. "Pardon? You convinced it to cooperate?" asked Hikari.
"Er, why of course! It was simple, really. I will explain as we continue our travels, so let's go," Asuka answered hurriedly.
"Tashia!" frowned Hikari. "You didn't torture the poor goblin, did you?"
Asuka pouted coyly. "Now why would I do such a thing?"
"Milady!" exclaimed Toji, "I tried to tell you, but you wouldn't listen!"
Hikari faced Toji, brow raised. "Tried to tell me what?"
"Milady, I do believe what your squire is trying to say is that Sorceress Tashia obtained her information using somewhat dubious means," added Rei.
"Is that true?" inquired Hikari
"You think I tortured him? Ok, I may have tossed him around a little, but I didn't torture him."
"So why is he unconscious? with burn marks everywhere? and a metal rod sticking out of-"
"What?" interrupted Asuka slyly. "Oh my! How did that get in there? Oh, don't worry about him, he has had a long day and is just... er... sleeping."
"Well, I say this calls for a bluff check Asuka."
"Fine!" frowned Asuka. She tosses her dice and grins. "Well, I make that to be a 17."
"Hikari, your sense motive?"
"Wow! I got a 22!"
"Darn it!" mumbled Asuka.
"Hikari, you think something is up and that Tashia is hiding something."
"Oh really? Kaji, I walk up to the goblin and check its condition."
"Ok, do a heal check."
"Oh dear, I rolled a 3," pouted Hikari in disappointment.
"Well then, you examine the goblin and see nothing wrong with him at all. In fact, you suspect that he is probably just sleeping? or drunk."
"I gently shake the goblin. Hello? Stumpy Junior? You all right?"
"Nyeh... one more minute, mommy..."
"See?" sneered Asuka. "He's just having a nap, the poor little thing, all traumatized like that."
"Well... fair enough. Hmmm, do I smell chicken? Never mind, just out of curiosity, are you going to leave your guardian unconscious?" inquired Hikari sternly.
"We do not possess the ability to heal wounds or revive the unconscious. I am unsure what we can do to help," Rei said.
"Well, we were headed to the nearby village of Bilton. It's a small place but they have a temple to the god Heironeous. I'm sure that they would help," added Toji, tossing a dice in the air and catching it.
"You are right, squire! WE shall accompany you to the village and ensure that your guardian gets his wounds treated."
"So... I am not dead?" asked Shinji hesitantly.
"No Shinji, even with Asuka's efforts, you are still alive."
"What? What was that supposed to mean?" fumed Asuka.
"You were choking him to death!"
"He ruined my robes!"
"So that is reason to try and kill him?"
"I'm chaotic, so sue me," shrugged Asuka.
"Okay, so before you head off to Bilton, what are you doing with Stumpy Junior?"
"Hmmm, he may return to his tribe and come back for revenge," murmured Toji suspiciously.
"I suspect that Stumpy junior will return to his tribe, but he will not seek revenge," whispered Rei.
"We must leave this poor creature be. I am sure he has learned his lesson and will cause no more problems," proclaimed Hikari.
"Burn him!" exclaimed Asuka.
Hikari eyed Asuka keenly. "What was that?"
"Er, turn him? yeah, let's turn him over to the town militia at Bilton!" recovered Asuka.
Hikari beamed at Asuka. "Great idea. We will take him with us and turn him in there."
"Right, you take the unconscious Stumpy Junior and Adhan to Bilton. Normally it is a 2 hour journey, but because you are burdened by two unconscious people, the journey takes 3 hours instead. In the distance you can see the town of Bilton. It is situated along the river Brookstone. All the buildings are made of cut stone and thatched roofs. There is a group of children playing with a dog and an elderly woman is tending a small apple tree. You can hear the sounds of sheep and cows in the distance."
"I guess we're here," commented Toji. "All these cows are making me hungry."
"You are always hungry, squire," smiled Hikari.
"What do you expect? You're a slave driver when it comes to training!"
"Speaking of which, dear squire, when we get to town we need to have a little talk about ethics." She frowned.
"But why? I know it all already!"
"Squire! You tried to kill those goblins without even trying to talk to them first."
"I've a big sword?" interjected Toji.
"You could have tried to talk to them."
"They were hitting me with their swords, Milady!"
"That is beside the point, Squire!" exclaimed Hikari. "You must always give peace a chance! I did it and you can too."
"But I am in Chain mail and you are in Full plate with a shield, they couldn't hit you if you were tied upside down to a tree!"
"Er... you shouldn't attempt peace only when the situation is convenient to do so, for shame!" she scolded.
"Yes, mother..." he muttered.
"You eventually make it into Bilton when a man in studded leather carrying a halberd runs up to you. 'By Heironeous, what happened here!?' he exclaims."
"Good man, my companions and I were ambushed en route by goblins. This brave man is severely injured but stable, and we have captured one of the goblins."
"Brave man? The imbecile literally jumped in front of the sword and skewered himself!" huffed Asuka.
"Tashia! He risked his life to guard yours, the least you could do is show some gratitude." Hikari frowned.
"It's his job," she muttered.
"'If this is true, then we must help him quickly. Follow me and I will take you to the Church of Heironeous, Lord of Light.' The guard motions to another guard who quickly rushes up. He steps up to the guard who then salutes him. 'Private, take this goblin to the prison and keep a close eye on him, do not trust a word he says, understand? Good."
"We must hurry, let us go to the church," whispered Rei.
"Okay, you make your way to the church. The town is quite small and in ten minutes you reach the church. The church is much of what you would expect for a church of Heironeous. The walls are white and decorated with gold and silver designs. All the windows are stained glass showing motifs of paladins, dragons, and peace. The guard ushers you into the church and gestures towards a middle-aged man kneeling in front of a white marbled altar. The kneeling man raises his head and slowly stands up. His white robes and sashes flow behind him as he walks towards you, a serene look on his face. He looks at the Adhan's body and then at all of you. 'Welcome to the church of Heironeous, what has happened here?'"
"This idiot got himself stabbed by a goblin," smirked Asuka.
"The young man was guarding this young lady and fell doing his duty," added Hikari.
"'Truly? Come and place him on the altar and I will help him. I would have it no other way.'"
"Alright," replied Toji.
"'Lady Paladin, will you join me in prayer to the Lord of Light?'"
"Of course!"
"The cleric stands in front of the altar and raises a large gold goblet in the air. He mutters some divine incantations and pours a silvery liquid over Adhan's body. The liquid shimmers and seeps into the body. Suddenly Adhan twitches and his eyes open wide. Shinji?"
"What the heck just happened?" inquired Shinji groggily.
"You idiot! Jumping in front of the knife like that!" yelled Asuka, slapping Shinji on the back of the head, "If you ever scare me like that again I will kill you myself!"
"Didn't you try and do that already?" asked Shinji.
"Oh, shut up..." growled Asuka.
"'The Light Lord has given you his blessing. He approves of your deed and gives you another chance to perform good deeds. If you will excuse me, I need to continue my prayers. Good day and may your paths be forever bright.'"
"May the Light Lord guide you," replied Hikari. "Shall we go to a tavern and have a good meal? I think we all need it."
"Now you're talking!" cheered Toji.
"You exit the church then? Alright? you leave the church."
"I go up to the nearest commoner and ask him where the nearest tavern is," said Hikari.
"Fine, you ask a middle-aged woman and she says that if you go down the cobble path for 5 minutes then you will reach a nice place called the White Raven."
"Well, let's go already. I'm absolutely famished!" whined Toji impatiently.
"You walk down the cobble road and reach the White Raven inn. As you approach it you hear lively music playing and voices singing. Not necessarily in tune, but the song is joyful and merry anyway."
"Brilliant..." mumbled Asuka."
"I rush in the tavern towards the bar keep," said Toji excitedly.
"Uh... sure. The barkeep looks up from cleaning the counter. 'Whot can ah be a gett'n yeh?'"
"What?"
"'Whot can ah be a gett'n yeh?'"
Toji scratched his head. "Barkeep, I don't understand a word you're saying!" he exclaimed.
"'Whot ahre ye ah talk'n aboot? Ah em a speak'n common, ah asked ye what do yeh be a wont'n?'"
"Kaji! What's up with the stupid accent?" asked Asuka.
"I am trying to add mood, alright?"
"What are you saying, barkeep?!" asked Toji anxiously.
"The barkeep frowns then take a deep breath. 'Whot are ye a talk'n aboot? Are yeh so daft dat yeh can nae understand a bloody word aye am a say's? Yeh bludie foreigners a comb's 'ere with year bloom'n accents and ways and yeh dare ask me what aye am ah say's?'"
"Er..."
"'Food?'"
"Yes!"
"'Aye... sit yerself doon.'"
"What?"
"'SIT YER BLOOM'N SELF DOON!'"
"Oh... right, sheesh. Calm down, high blood pressure and all that."
"The rest of you enter the tavern to see the bar keep storm round the back. The tavern is quite full of people. You can see to the left a group of people playing a game of cards... and it looks like the guy in a red tunic is losing. You can also see a group of dwarves who have taking up a corner of their own and are keeping to themselves. Another thing draws your attention; sat towards the back of the room are an unlikly pair. There is a large blonde human female wearing studded leather with two axes strapped to her back. There is also a male Gnome with spikey blond hair and a small goatee. He is wearing ringmail and appears to have several flintlock pistols and glass vials plugged with cloth. You can hear the conversation they are having."
"Misato-er- Nina, hey Nina, wake up!" encouraged Kensuke as he tried to shake Misato awake.
"What? Are we there yet?" slurred Misato.
"It appears that Misato is intoxicated," noted Rei.
"What gave you that idea, wondergirl, her laziness or the 8 cans of beer next to her?" Asuka smirked sarcastically.
"Where are we?" murmured Misato, her face flat on the table.
"We're in the town of Bilton, in the White Raven tavern," replied Kensuke.
"A tavern?" questioned Misato followed by a short pause then a giggle, "Ok, must stay IC or whatever. Nina want more ALE!"
Toji cocked a brow. "A barbarian named Nina?"
"We have a pacifist paladin, a blood thirsty squire..."
"Hey!" piped Toji
"A stoic diviner, Ranger boy, and a gorgeous sorceress... no way are we having anything to do with them!" cried Asuka.
"The barkeep walks up to the barbarian and gnome and places a tankard of beer on the table. 'So, ave yeh found yer treasah yeet?'"
"Yes and no," answered Kensuke, shaking his head. "We've found the place, but without magic it appears that we cannot get in there."
"Aye dunnae know aboot thes magic mumbo jumbo, but yeh may wan? te ask them lot o'er there."
Misato lifts her head off the table and glances off in the direction of Asuka and the others. "And why is that?"
"Can yeh naet tell? They be spellcasters an aye bet ye that they be from the amythest tower playce."
"Oh really?" asked Kensuke, eyes wide. "Great, then. I jump off my stool and walk over to them."
Sure. You see a gnome trundle over towards you.
"Hey! I am Tiddlewink Flambart, a pleasure to meet you!"
"A pleasure Tiddlewink. I'm Adhan De'Remey, can we help you?" Shinji asked hesitantly.
"I am SO glad you asked! My companion-"
Burp
"-and I are trying to get into a magical vault but it seems to be locked by magic," continued Kensuke.
"I see, but how can we help?"
"Can we borrow one of your spellcaster please PLEASE!?" cried Kensuke desperately.
"WHAT? Borrow? You think you can just BORROW one of us? You think that I, Tashia Silverhand, will allow myself to be borrowed by a Gnome and an unhygenic barbarian to go off galavanting in a forest to a vault protected by MAGIC, probably for a very good reason I may add, to face untold dangers, perils and tests JUST so you can LOOT the damn place and become RICH?" burst Asuka, her eyes burning into Kensuke.
"... so what are you saying?" blinked Kensuke.
"NO! No, No, No, NO! GO away you little ankle bitter, we don't have time to do this!"
"You're mean," mumbled Kensuke.
"You just noticed?" Toji quipped, grinning, only to be slapped in the back of the head by Hikari.
"Ow! I thought you were a pacifist," replied Toji in a start, rubbing the back of his head.
"I am, that was subdual damage," she smiled sweetly.
"Oh? You are on a quest?" asked Kensuke curiously.
"Well?" yelled Misato, "what did they- burp -say?" Misato got up and stumbled round towards the children and extended her hand out, to the surprise of everyone.
"Hey, I'm Nina Bonebreaker," she smiled drunkenly.
"The answer is still no!" repeated Asuka, folding her arms defiantly.
"Sorceress Tashia," whispered Rei, "I believe that you are forgetting something."
"And what is that?"
"You are not the leader of this group- Ranger Adhan is."
"WHAT?!" cried Asuka in disbelief.
"I am?" cringed Shinji.
"That is correct, Ranger Adhan. You are our guide and also our Guardian. You know the dangers of the outside world and the path we must take to the Cave of Trials. I do believe it is safe to assume that you should be the leader."
Shinji's cheeks slowly turned red and he sank into his seat. "Um? sounds good and all, but there is one problem with that? I don't actually KNOW exactly where the cave is."
"Did you say Cave of Trials?" asked Misato, grinning slowly.
Asuka's face turned pale. "Oh no..." she whispered.
"Yes, why do you ask?" inquired Shinji.
"No," whimpered Asuka.
"I know where it is, I have been in the area many times."
"Mystra, Mistress of Magic, help me!" she whimpered even more.
"If we help you with this vault, will you tell us where the cave is?"
"Sure!" said Kensuke enthusiastically, "and even better, we will SHOW you!"
"Oh #$%& !#$£, I absolutely !#%$ing refuse!"
"That sounds like a splendid idea, one big adventuring party!" cheered Hikari.
"You are coming too? Our mission to the Cave of Trials doesn't involve you," noted Asuka suspiciously.
Hikari's eyes narrowed. "Think of me as your conscience," she replied.
"Oh, joy."
"Right, I take it you go around town and pick up the provisions you need? Good. One hour later you head off towards the vault and reach it in 43 minutes. The vault is not what you would expect really... there is a pond with a large iron door floating about 8 feet above it. There are no visible stairs or means of climbing up. Towards the center of the pond the water becomes very dark, as if it is very deep. The pond is lined with weeping willows and pond reeds."
"Is this the place?" asked Toji.
"Yes it is. We can't figure out how to get through the door or even how to get to it," replied Kensuke.
Rei turns toward Kaji. "I wish to cast detect magic and see what magical auras the pond emits."
"Alright, you cast detect magic and concentrate as a wave of colours forms in front of you. Do a spellcraft check."
"I got an 18."
"That's enough; you examine the auras and notice that there are apparently blocks of magic spread out over the pond. They emit magic from the Illusion school. The door itself has auras of Illusion, Transmutation, Divination and Summoning."
"It appears that there is a path above the pond towards the door but it can only be seen by magic."
"Wow!" gasped Kensuke.
"So why can't I see it?" asked Asuka angrily.
"You do not have the Detect Magic spell," Rei deadpanned.
"Not fair," she mumbled.
"I will need to go first and lead the way towards the door."
"That is unacceptable, Rain!" exclaimed Hikari. "I can not allow you to put yourself in such danger."
"The Paladin is right," added Shinji, "I should really go first."
Rei shook her head. "That would not be wise. I am the only person here that is capable of seeing the platforms and therefore I should go first. Mr. Kaji, I wish to climb towards the door."
"Okay, you will need to keep concentrating on the detection spell though so that you can see the magical auras. You climb the platforms one by one, all of them are within easy reach of eachother so the climb is fairly basic. That is until you get to the platform before the door. This platoform is around 5 feet away from the door and you can't reach the door from it."
"I cannot proceed further, there are no more platforms."
"What now?" asked Shinji.
"Rain, stand back and I will blast it with a spell," Asuka grinned.
"Sorceress Tashia, I do not believe that would be wise. The door may be but an illusion hiding a portal."
"Really? How do you suppose we open the door then if we can't reach it?" she smirked.
"Simple," whispered Rei confidently. "Mr. Kaji, I wish to jump into the door."
"Alright, the jump is a simple one and you can't really fail it so you jump towards the door. Everyone else, you see Rain jump towards the door and she passes through it."
"You've got to be kidding me!" exclaimed Misato.
"Hmmm... My barbarian friend has had one too many, these simple jumps will be tough," said Kensuke.
"Let's take our time, the platforms aren't going anywhere," replied Asuka.
"So you take your time climbing up the platforms and jump into the portal. Just make jump checks to make sure, and Misato, substract four from your roll. Okay, everyone does decently enough. Misato, you occasionally get a couple of close calls due to your drunken state but you were able to recover your balance and make it through. Hikari, your platemail makes the jumping very difficult but with a lot of effort you make it through. You are all standing in front a small 15x15 foot room that appears to be carved out of rock and is occasionally lined with some sort of glowing mushrooms. There is only once exit that you can see and that is a dark passage in front of you. The portal behind you is nowhere to be seen."
"Looks like we have no choice now..." whispered Shinji.
"I lead the way and walk slowly through the passage," declared Asuka.
"You make your way through the passage and quickly reach another room that is a fair bit bigger than the last one. This one is about 30x30 though it isn't square and has stalagtites and stalagmites everywhere. The glowing mushrooms fill this room giving it a glow as if it were a full moon. Listen checks, everyone."
"10," muttered Asuka.
"5," sighed Shinji, "always 5."
"13," whispered Rei.
"11," replied Hikari and Toji in unison.
"15," answered Misato.
"21," grinned Kensuke.
"Well that's amusing; Kensuke is the only one to hear the patter of little footsteps rush towards you. Out from behind some rocks rush about 14 miniscule goblin-like creatures. They stand 1/2 a foot tall and are wearing dirty leather and furs. Each one is carrying a buckler the size of bottle cap and a couple of spears."
"Ha ha ha!" laughed Asuka, "what are you supposed to be?"
"'Yer knee caps are at me mercy!'"
"You can't reach my kneecaps,"
"'Fine! yer ankles are at me mercy!' the creatures cry before a volley of toothpick sized spears bounce off you."
"How cute!" smiled Hikari.
"Suddenly, you hear a roar which shakes the very cave walls themselves. The tiny creatures jump up and down and shout 'now you're in for it!!'"
"I step backwards away from the noise, that doesn't sound too good."
"The creatures give a high pitched squeal and charge towards you. 'Go for the ankles!'"
Kensuke grined and adjusted his glasses. "Oh boy, this is going to be good. Time to show you what a Technologist can do."
"Initiative please."
"Ranger boy, guard me!"
"But I haven't had my dinner yet!" sighed Toji in defeat.
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-Prereader: choppedchives