see chapter 1 for disclaimers and notes.

Choking. He was choking. He tried to swallow whatever was in his throat, but he couldn't. Something was in his mouth. He reached for it. He had to get it out, but someone stopped him. He tried to talk. That didn't work either. He tried to breathe. It was all wrong. He had to breathe! He fought the hands that were holding him. His ears caught pieces of sound. Parts of words? A voice. It was getting clearer.

"-an, stop. Open—"

The hands were still keeping him from breathing. Frustration made his eyes burn with tears.

"Open your eyes, Van. It's okay." That was Deaq. Deaq was with him? Why wasn't he helping him? "Stop fighting."

No. Didn't Deaq understand he was choking? He needed help.

"Yeah, I need help in here. He's awake, and he's fighting the respirator."

Who was he talking to? Damn it, Deaq, help me, he thought. Van opened his eyes. Maybe if he could make eye contact with his partner, he'd understand. There he was. Van locked eyes with him, pleading silently for his help.

"Hey, hey, calm down. It's okay, V. It's the respirator. You have to stop fighting it. It's breathing for you, okay? You understand? Just relax."

Fuck, he hated that word! He snatched his hand loose from Deaq's grip and tried to pull whatever was in his mouth out, but Deaq grabbed him again. "Stop, Van. The doctor's coming. Let him do it before you hurt yourself."

The words "respirator" and "doctor" finally sunk into Van's panicked brain. That's right; he was in the hospital. There was a tube in his mouth and down his throat. Somehow though, the knowledge was not all that comforting, considering he still felt like he was choking. He tried to calm down, but, no, it wasn't working. Please, please, come get this thing out of me, he thought desperately. Instead of fighting to get away from Deaq, now he grabbed on with both hands, trying to steady his emotions on his partner's strength.

Deaq had been in that strange place between asleep and awake, once again with his head and arms resting on the edge of Van's bed, when he heard the odd choking-gasping sound. It penetrated his uneasy half-slumber and pulled him into full awareness just in time to grab Van's hands before he yanked out the tube in his throat. Van was panicked; Deaq could understand why. He tried to sooth him with calm words, but he wasn't sure he was even getting through the terror Van must have been feeling. When Van finally opened his eyes and looked at him, he knew he was getting through, but he could also tell that even though Van knew Deaq was there, he didn't understand what was going on. The moment Van's mind clicked into reality his partner stopped trying to get away and instead held on for dear life. "Good, Van, just chill. I'm here. I'm not going to let anything happen to you. Grant's coming."

The doctor picked that exact moment to arrive. "Okay, Van, nice to have you back. Let's get that tube out, shall we?"

Deaq smiled as Van nodded his head vigorously. His partner was back. He'd made it. Relief flooded through him, making his knees tremble. The stress that had kept him going was fading, and he felt as though he'd aged a hundred years in a moment. When Van let go of his hands, he stepped back and leaned over, putting his hands on his knees. He didn't want to watch the tube come out anyway. He tuned out the instructions that Grant gave Van and was only vaguely aware of the whole extubation process. He didn't look back up until he heard his partner's weak, scratchy voice.

"Deaq, man, you okay?"

He stood, scrubbing his face in his hands to remove some suspicious wetness there, and moved back over to the bed. "Damn, V, you nearly check out on me, and you're asking if I'm okay? Well, no, I'm not okay. You scared the shit out of me."

Grant chuckled as he checked Van's heartbeat. Deaq was not amused.

"Sorry," Van mumbled.

"Not your fault, V. Not your fault. I don't mean to sound like I'm bitching, 'cause I'm not. I'm just so damn glad you're still around, man!"

A shy smile touched Van's lips. "Really?"

"Are you fishing for compliments, dawg?" Deaq teased.

Van shook his head. "Not really, I just—" Maybe teasing wasn't such a good idea. Van seemed to deflate a little.

"Shut up and let me finish." Deaq thought for a split second and decided to just say what he felt. "Van, you're my partner. That means something in itself, but the truth is, you're more than that. I lost my brother, man, but he left me a replacement. You. We're brothers, Van. No matter what 'Brunhilda' thinks." Grant seemed to know he was intruding and slipped out quietly.

"Who?"

"Nobody important. I'll tell you about it later. What is important is that you understand something. Yeah, we get on each other's nerves. We're different people, we do things differently, so that's going to happen every once and a while, but that don't matter. 'Cause family always forgives, and you are family. So you're going to forgive me for being an ass, right?" Deaq grinned. He was quite proud of himself, working that in like he had.

Van smiled for a moment then grew serious again. "I haven't felt much like family lately."

Deaq frowned. The hurt was deep. "Look, V, I said some stupid shit, and I'm sorry. I wish I could take it back, but I can't. Tell me what I can do to make this right."

"I didn't mean to get your father hurt, you know? And I never meant to get Dre killed. I'll never forgive myself for that. I just want you to know that. I promise you, Deaq, I'll die before I let any one else in your family get hurt."

Fuck, Deaq thought. He had really fucked up. What had his mother always said? Words spoken in anger hurt forever. This wasn't just yesterday's hurt. This was also from previous words spoken in anger. Van had held on to them, hurt over them, but suffered in silence. Deaq couldn't let him hurt forever though. He had to try to fix it. "Van, I didn't mean what I said that night. I was freaked out, scared, you know? I know you never meant for that to happen. You just wanted to help me. I do know that. Man, you're not responsible for all that. The people responsible are paying for it. And I read the report on the day Dre died. You were unarmed, Van. There was nothing you could have done to save Dre. You're not responsible for his death. But I'll tell you what you are responsible for. You're responsible for bringing me back to my family. I spent yesterday with my dad on the golf course. That never would have happened if not for you. You chose to give a damn about me, and I should have thanked you. I'm sorry. Can I thank you now?"

"You don't have to."

Instead of arguing with him, Deaq reached out and pulled his partner into a hug. "Thank you, Van," he whispered. There were tears in Van's eyes when Deaq released him. His own eyes weren't feeling too dry either. Damn, he hated this emotional shit.

Van choked a little and cleared his throat, and Deaq winced in sympathy. His throat had to hurt. "Need some water?"

Van nodded.

Deaq poured some water from the pitcher the nurse had brought with his coffee earlier into a cup and gave it to Van, who sipped a little, cleared his throat and then sipped some more. He handed the cup back to Deaq. "Better?" Deaq asked.

"Yeah, thanks."

"No problem."

"Where's Billie?"

"Went home to change. Man, V, she looked rough. You should have seen her. Apparently, she and Big, Bald, and Ugly got into a slugfest. She had blood all over her. Not all of it hers. Anyway, Grant fixed her up, then insisted she change clothes before coming back to see you. I think he was worried you'd freak out if you saw her. She'll be back soon."

"So, she got what the bastard wanted, and he told her what the poison was?"

"Yeah, man."

"But he's still out there?"

"Yeah." Deaq hated telling Van that. He would have loved to tell him that the bastard was dead. Arrested would be okay, but dead would be even better. But he couldn't tell him either. "We'll get him, V."

"How? We don't even know where to start. This is not over, Deaq. There's more coming. I can feel it."

"Just more opportunities for us to nail him then. It'll be all right, dawg. I know! I saw a pack of cards earlier at the nurses' station. How about I go borrow them and I whup your ass at, well, whatever; you name the game. I'll still beat you." He wanted to get Van's mind off his dire predictions.

Van rolled his eyes at him. "Fine, go get 'em. Gin?"

"Gin? I was thinking poker."

"I'm thinking gin. By the way, how'd I get into this stupid hospital gown?"

Deaq felt his face heat up. "Um, let's just say there's not a lot left of you for me to have to imagine."

"Oh, man!"

Deaq laughed. "Hey, it's your own fault for going commando. I don't know how you do that in those pants, man. Don't that chafe? Anyway, the nurse said that you were sure to make some girl happy someday. I assured her I could make her happier."

"Oh, Jesus H. Christ!" Van sunk down into the bed and pulled the covers over his head, and Deaq laughed all the way to the nurses' station.
He'd known. He'd told Deaq it wasn't over. Now, as he pulled on his clothes, he cursed Nick "Candy Store Operative, Version 1.0" McKussick. He'd poisoned families, children, for god's sake. Van had believed that he couldn't have been any angrier if he'd tried, but he was wrong. This guy needed to die. Die badly. Part of him even cursed Billie for creating the maniac to begin with. She'd stood there like some bad actor out of some bad cop movie telling Van that she was Frankenstein to the monster who'd nearly killed him.

But he had to let that go. Being pissed off at her did none of them any good. He sat on the bed to tie his shoes. He was almost done when Grant came in. "Hey! What are you doing?"

"I thought Billie and Deaq talked to you. I gotta go."

"They did talk to me, but that doesn't mean I'm discharging you. I've got a room ready with your name on it, buddy. You're in no shape to go anywhere. I told them, and now I'm telling you. They can handle this without you."

"That's not an option we've been given, Doc. He was kinda clear on that. I can't let those people die. I feel fine."

"You feel fine because you've been resting. The effects of poison do not just magically disappear, Van. You are still recovering."

"I don't have a choice. I'll—"

"You'll what? Not get stressed? Not exert yourself? We both know that's not true. I'm not discharging you."

"Then I'm going anyway."

"I can't change your mind?" Grant was obviously frustrated.

"No. I have to do this. I'll be okay."

The doctor sighed in resignation. "If you start to feel—"

"I know. I'll come back."

"Unconscious on a gurney. That's the only way you'll come back. You and I both know it. Go. Get out there, find those people, and nail this guy."

"Thanks for everything, Doc."

"You're welcome, Officer Ray. I'm going to send someone in here with some papers for you to sign. They will state that you are leaving AMA, against medical advice. Clear?" Van nodded and Grant left the room still shaking his head.

Van sighed heavily. He didn't want to wait on any papers. The clock was ticking. They had instructions. They couldn't be late.
Deaq saw Grant coming and prepared himself for a second lecture. The good doctor had already given them hell one time for even suggesting that Van leave the hospital. What Grant didn't realize was that Deaq and Billie were not exactly thrilled about the idea either, but what could they do? Deaq stood up and met the man halfway. "Brunhilda" glanced at him as he stopped in front of the desk. He still wanted revenge, damn it. Instead, he just glared at her for a split second. She ignored him. Man, he hated her!

"He's getting dressed," Grant started talking, reminding Deaq what he had gotten up for in the first place. "He'll have to sign some papers and then he can go. Whether he should go is another matter altogether, but he can. Listen to me. He seems better. He is better than he was, but he's not well. His blood pressure is still up, though not as high as it was. His sat levels are near normal, but that could change. Exertion or stress could cause sudden spikes in his blood pressure and/or sudden drops in his sat levels. If he complains of severe headache, dizziness, shortness of breath, fatigue or even if you think he's having any of those problems, he needs to take a break. Also, look for uncharacteristic behavior. Things such as being overly aggressive or overly passive, too nervous, too happy, too calm, too sad, or if he starts having periods of absence, like he's drifted off. He could have blackouts or seizures still. Serious depression is a concern, as well. I just don't know, because we haven't had time to assess any damage that might have been caused."

"What are you saying?" Deaq asked, afraid of the answer he might get but needing to know just the same.

"I'm saying that Van's brain was deprived of oxygen. There might be temporary or even permanent effects of that. This doesn't just magically go away, folks. Just because we gave him a counteragent does not mean that he's cured. His body and possibly his brain have been damaged. That damage has to heal, if possible, on its own."

"Oh, shit." Deaq muttered, hearing much the same sentiment being expressed behind him. He hadn't even realized that Billie had returned from the ladies room until he heard her curse along with him.

"Some of those things that you mentioned are worst case scenarios, right?" Billie asked.

"Yes, that is true, but I'm telling you, it's a risk for him to leave here right now."

"We weren't given any choice." Deaq rubbed the back of his neck with one hand.

"I understand what you were told. I know you don't think I do, but I do. I just don't have to like it, and I am concerned for my patient. Then again, part of me realizes that there are people out there who will soon either be my patients or guests in the morgue." Grant sighed. "Just look out for him and bring him back here if anything happens. When this is all over, I'm going to want to evaluate him. Okay?" He walked away without waiting for an answer.

"McKussick knows Van's still at risk," Billie said absently, as though she were talking to herself. "That's just like him. Gives him some control. Divides our attention. Puts us under pressure."

"What the hell kind of monster did you create here, Billie?"

She didn't answer. She didn't have to; her eyes said it all.
They kept staring at him, Deaq through the rearview mirror and Billie just blatantly turning in the seat to look at him. It was making him paranoid. It was like they were expecting him to keel over at any moment and die. Damn, he wished they'd quit. "I'm okay," Van told them.

"Okay," they said simultaneously then looked at one another.

Van rolled his eyes. "I know all about the possible brain damage thing, all right? I heard it all from the nurse. I don't feel any different than before. And don't you dare make the joke that's no doubt running through your minds right now. I mean it. I will hurt the both of you."

"What joke?" Billie sounded sincere.

He measured her tone and decided to drop it now before he actually gave them the idea of teasing him. "Nothing. Never mind."

"No, Van, what joke do you think we'd make about you almost dying and being brain damaged? Do you think us that cruel?" She glared at him.

"Well, you know, now that you mention it." Now he was mad.

"Van—" Deaq started but Van was having none of it.

"Both of you have been known to make a few disparaging remarks to me before. Why stop now? Let's see. 'You mean you weren't brain damaged before, Van?' Or, 'Well, now at least you have an excuse, Van.' If you don't like those, I'm sure you can come up with some of your own."

He waited to be yelled at, ridiculed, or both. He got neither. Billie turned back around in the seat and was silent. Somehow, that was worse. It was Deaq who finally spoke.

"Van, I know I tease you. And I know I've said some things that have gone too far—"

"You apologized before, Deaq. Look, never mind. I'm just overreacting, I guess. I should be used to it by now." He turned his head to watch the world go past the car window. He didn't want to talk anymore. He didn't want to see them watching him anymore either. Let them look. He refused to notice. If he didn't notice them, they weren't really there, right? There was just him and the blurry world beyond the glass.
He'd just been dismissed. That was what it felt like anyway. His partner had effectively ended the conversation and dismissed him. Or perhaps Van had dismissed himself. That was really it. Van had just said that the way he felt about their treatment of him was unimportant. Maybe even that he was unimportant. That sounded like depression to Deaq. He was tempted to turn the freaking car around and take Van right back to the hospital.

He glanced in the rearview mirror once again. Van was staring out the window in a way that clearly said, "Leave me alone." He looked then to Billie, only to realize that she was doing the same damn thing. It was his turn to roll his eyes. This was certainly going to be a lovely day. Uncomfortable silence held court, judging them each liable for its cause and unable to affect its cure.

When the silence was finally broken, it startled him.
"Used to it by now." The phrase seemed to echo in her head, but it was getting louder rather than fading away like any good little echo knew it should. He'd said that the other night, too. Deaq had hung up on him, and she'd made fun of him and told him to disappear as poison had spread through his body.

She'd never made her apologies. At least not when he could've heard her. He wasn't dying anymore, though. There was no need to hurry, right? She could take her time. Couldn't she?

The echo got impossibly louder, making her head hurt. "I'm sorry, Van."

Deaq's head jerked in her direction, but Van didn't respond. She tried again, louder this time. "I'm really sorry." She released her seatbelt so that she could turn to face him. It took him a few moments, but he finally met her eyes. Now to say what she was sorry for. "I'm sorry that I've made you feel like you're going to be insulted every time I say something to you. I'm sorry I ever insulted you enough in the first place to make you expect it. You're a good cop, or I wouldn't have recruited you."

"You trust and respect Deaq more though. I know that. Don't you think I notice? Contrary to popular belief, I'm not stupid."

"I know that. Van, if anything, I think sometimes that you get too emotionally involved. Even you can't deny that. You care too much. Deaq tends to be more objective. Most of the time, anyway." She gave Deaq a pointed look to remind him of the times when he hadn't been objective. He was sufficiently sheepish so she turned her attention back to Van. "As a fault, Van, caring too much is not a bad one to have. I don't worry about you doing your job. You've proved plenty of times you can do the job, and will do the job, even in horrible circumstances. You're not stupid. I do trust and respect you. I really do." She held out her hand to him. He looked at it then at her face again. Those green eyes seemed to be reading her heart and soul. When he took her hand, she knew they were at peace.

None too soon either, she thought, as Deaq turned into the rail yard. She looked at the other man and saw that he was smiling slightly. She took a deep breath. "Okay, back to business." She resumed her usual no-nonsense professionalism.

She heard Deaq snicker and pinned him with a glare. He held up one hand in surrender. Maybe they could get back to being a team now, damn it. This emotional stuff was just too hard on her nerves.