Author's note: Thank you everyone for the encouraging reviews, especially those of you who took the time to write a bit more. I still find it astonishing how many people read this story, and I value every review I receive.
This chapter has been somewhat slow in coming, but it is quite long, so that might make up for the delay.
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Chapter 12 – To Make A Choice
Later, same day.
Elrond was working in his study when Legolas knocked and asked him for a pen and parchment to write to his father.
This request had prompted Elrond to show Legolas Thandruil's letter. He watched as Legolas read the letter in stunned silence, and then saw a range of emotions flash over the younger elf's face. The prince's face reflected disbelief, anger, and finally hurt, in rapid succession, and eventually settled into an unreadable mask that Elrond remembered only too well.
"Thank you for showing this to me. At least I know now where I stand. I have always been aware of the fact that Father does not like my relationship with Estel, but I had not realised his disdain would go this far…" Legolas voice was cold, distant, and his dark blue eyes betrayed no emotion. But his hands had clenched into tight fists.
"If you excuse me, I would like to be by myself for a moment." With a courteous nod, Legolas turned to the door.
Elrond thought *This is all wrong. He should be screaming, or be angry or be crying, but not this.* In a split second, he took a decision. As Legolas passed him, the elf-lord gently took hold of his wrist.
"No, Legolas. Do not leave like this. This letter must have been a terrible blow for you. Come here." And with these words, Elrond pulled the younger elf in a loose embrace, allowing him to move away if he wished to do so. But Legolas did not. His carefully maintained composure collapsed, and the hurt and anger he felt broke through. He leaned against Elrond, tightly clutching the elder's robes at his shoulders without even being aware of doing it. Elrond could feel the tension in the slender body before him.
"How can my own father be so blind and not see that Estel and I love each other? Can he not see we truly love each other? If I had wanted someone to give me pleasure," Legolas laughed bitterly, "that I could have had easier. I could have chosen an elf from Mirkwood as a companion, and could have shared his or her bed every night, rather than seeing Estel only a few months every year."
Elrond said nothing. There was nothing he could say to ease Legolas' anguish.
"It is obvious from this letter that my father does not want me to see Estel again once I leave here. I know well what my choices are; I have spent many nights thinking about them. What am I going to do?"
Legolas loosened the hold he had on Elrond's shoulders, and with a resigned sigh, sat down on one of the chairs.
"I have always known that Father does not approve of Estel, but I did not realise he objects so much … he never said… He made it clear in a hundred ways but never as open as this … maybe I should have asked …" Legolas realised he was rambling on.
Elrond had moved behind Legolas and gently laid a hand on the younger elf's arm. "Legolas, I have to admit that when I read this letter, I was angry, very angry at your father. But I can tell from this letter that he loves you much … he is afraid of loosing you, and lashing out against Estel is his way of protecting you and himself."
"If you and Estel are bound, you will fade. You are your father's only child whom he loves, but you are also the heir to his kingdom. Your choice does not only affect you, Legolas. You are Mirkwood's prince, whether you wish to be or not. If you fade, your father's kingdom is without an heir of your bloodline. You know this, I imagine you have spent much time worrying about this already."
"Estel, too, has not only himself to consider. I cannot yet see his destiny clearly but the throne of Gondor and Arnor is his by right. Should he take this up, he will find himself in a similar situation as your father, he will need an heir. And as much as you care for him, this is something you cannot give him."
Legolas turned so that he could see Elrond. "Do you wish us to part as well?" he said, the hurt palpable in his voice.
Elrond smiled a small, sad smile that softened his features but did not reach his eyes. He reached out and pushed a few stray hairs out of Legolas' face. "No, young Prince Legolas, I do not with for you and Estel to part, for I know that the grief this would cause would harm both of you greatly. I have also seen how much you care for each other, I do not wish to destroy what you have for the sake of an uncertain future. I do not know what the future holds, perhaps there will be options we do not yet know."
"But what shall I do?"
"You will stay here for the winter. I promised your father to treat you as one of my own sons, with a set of duties fitting your abilities and station. When the passes are clear, you will return to Mirkwood, and you must talk to your father. Some things cannot be done by letter."
"And Estel?"
"Estel will have to make his own choices after the winter." Legolas looked at the elf-lord searchingly, but Elrond only slightly shook his head. "I need to talk to Estel as well." With that cryptic remark, Elrond went over to his desk and got a pen and parchment, which he gave to Legolas.
"You wanted to write to your father. You should still do this, but not before you have slept at least one night."
"Thank you. It will be a hard letter to write."
"Yes, that I do not deny." Elrond looked at the younger elf, who had regained his composure, and whose face was set in grim determination.
"Legolas, remember that you and Estel have the entire winter here together, and time to make decisions. Nothing needs to be decided today. Enjoy the time here with Estel as much as you can, you both deserve it." There was genuine affection in Elrond's voice and grey eyes, and Legolas was grateful for that.
"When you go now, please find Estel and send him here. I need to talk to him as well and we might just get it over with now."
Legolas nodded his thanks and farewell, and turned to leave. "Legolas, I am sorry this has marred your first day back here. I hope that, regardless what the future brings, Estel and you can be happy here for a few months. Imladris is not in vain called a refuge, enjoy our peace as long as you can."
"Thank you." Despite his inner turmoil, Legolas managed a grateful smile. He did appreciate Elrond's remark.
Deep in thought, he left Elrond's study. Almost without his will his legs carried him to the training range, where Estel was practicing sword fighting with Elrohir under the watchful eye of Glorfindel, Elrond's most renowned warrior and captain.
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Elrond watched the prince leave. He had felt immense pity for the younger elf; this letter must have caused him unbelievable hurt. Thandruil must have known that his son would see it, it was not the sort of message Elrond would keep from Legolas. It also saddened Elrond that Legolas and Estel's time in Imladris would now be overshadowed by the worries caused by the letter. Elrond was amazed by Legolas' composure, his face betrayed nothing, he even managed to shield his eyes so that the swirling emotions in them would not be seen. The young elf had obviously had much practice in masking his feelings. And this, again, saddened Elrond. Legolas was too young for an elf to have become so skilled at hiding his feelings. He wondered how high the price for this had been.
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Legolas watched Estel and his foster brother for a few moments. Both had taken their tunics off and their bodies were glistening with perspiration, even though the autumn air was cool. Yet again he was surprised at Estel's competence with the sword. Even though he lacked the speed and ability of elves, he was a good match for Elrohir. The outcome of the exercise was open, which, for a fight between an elf and a human, said something for Estel's prowess with the sword.
"Estel? Sorry for interrupting, but your father would like to speak to you." Estel and Elrohir immediately stopped their exercise, it had to be something important for Legolas to interrupt their training session like this.
"I am coming. Sorry, Elrohir, I do not know that this is about." Estel took a towel that he had brought with him and dried off before putting his tunic back on.
Legolas waited for him, his eyes guarded. "I cannot tell you what it is that your father wants to speak to you about. He did not tell me." There was an odd note in Legolas' voice. Estel looked at his partner closely. Something was not right, he could feel it. Something had happened that Legolas was not telling.
"Legolas? What is wrong?" Legolas sighed. He had hoped that Estel would not notice anything for the moment, but the young man knew him too well.
So, on the way back to the house, Legolas told Estel about Thandruil's letter. He did not go into details but Estel could read much between the lines. Estel was much less surprised than Legolas had been. He hugged his friend tightly.
"I am sorry, Legolas, to cause you this anguish. If only I were an elf, it would solve this entire issue! … I have expected such a reaction from your father for years, it has always been clear to me that he deeply dislikes me, or rather, dislikes the fact that I am human. He has never tried to see beyond the fact that I am human, in the same way that my family did not try to see beyond the fact that you are Thandruil's son.
"Estel, I do not wish you to be any other than yourself."
" I know. And for that I love you." He kissed Legolas; trying to relieve some of the worry and anxiety he could see in his partner's dark eyes.
"Will you wait for me whilst I speak to my father? I'll meet you in the garden."
Legolas nodded and headed for the gardens. He could do with some time to think, so this break was not unwelcome. He also wondered what important issue it was that Elrond wanted to discuss with Estel.
In the meantime, Estel had knocked on the door of Elrond's study, and opened it without waiting for a reply. Elrond was standing on the balcony, leaning on the railings. He did not turn when Estel entered.
"Estel." With that word, Elrond turned around. "I need you to know that whatever happens in the future and whatever choices you make, you are as dear to my heart as my own sons and daughter."
Estel looked at his foster father, wondering what would come next that warranted this assurance. "I know, Ada."
"I have listened carefully to everything that passed on your scouting mission with the rangers, and I believe that unless you spend more time amongst men, you will not be able to make a valid choice about your future. I know you do not like to hear this, but you know as well as I do that one day you will have told decide whether to stay here with us or whether you will follow the path of men. No one can make this decision for you, but at least we can help you to make it. You have lived your entire life amongst the Eldar, you have only seen small parts of how humans live."
" I have thought about this long and hard, Estel. In the spring I would like you to go and live with the rangers, at least for a couple of years. They are your people, it is your birthright to lead them, but you cannot do that if you do not know them and they do not know you."
Estel was too shocked to respond. So far he had never seriously thought about living anywhere else but Rivendell.
Elrond continued. "Elladan and Elrohir have always spent some time with the rangers, they will do so again. We will not forget you, and this will always be your home. But you must know more about your own people than you do now. When Halbarad and Tharamir come here in the next few days, I would like to suggest this arrangement to them, but not without your consent. Thank about this, and talk to Legolas."
Estel was still silent. His mind was swirling. A part of him agreed with Elrond, he had noticed himself how little he knew about men. The question was, did he want to know more? And what were the implications? Could he come back to Rivendell if he did not like living with the rangers? What about Legolas? The settlements of the rangers were in the furthest Northwest, probably about a two-month journey from Mirkwood. There were a hundred questions in his mind, but he only asked the one that was foremost in his mind:
"If I do not like it, can I come back?"
Elrond was touched by this response. He could see the confusion, doubts and worries in his foster son's face. And yet, his first concern was whether he could return to the only home he had known. Somewhere, somehow, they had succeeded on offering the orphaned human child a home that he loved and cherished. Amidst all his own doubts, Elrond was glad about that.
"Estel, as long as there are elves in Rivendell this will be your home. You will always be welcome here."
With these words, Elrond closed the distance between them and enclosed Estel in a tight embrace. "You are my fourth child, Estel. Always remember that."
They stood in silence for a long while, until Estel moved out of the embrace and said: "I need to speak to Legolas about this."
Elrond nodded. "Yes, and he needs to speak to you. I will see you later for the evening meal."
Estel went to find Legolas in the gardens. His mind was whirling with conflicting emotions and thoughts. All of a sudden, he also felt very tired. The journey had been exhausting, and then there had been the exhilaration of Legolas staying, the blow of Thandruil's letter, and now this. The young man felt overwhelmed and confused, and realised that what he really wanted was someone telling him what to do. Someone else to make his choices for him. And at the same time the realisation hit him that this was exactly what 'being grown–up' meant, having to make your own choices and live with the consequences. He sighed. He did not feel at all ready to make this decision.
Estel saw Legolas sitting on the lower branch of a tree, leaning against the trunk. Estel quickly climbed up the tree and joined him, they had often sat like this in the past.
Legolas looked at him. "And? What happened?" The prince could see the confusion in Estel's eyes and face. Quickly the young man recounted the conversation with his foster father.
They sat in silence for a long time afterwards. "Your father is right, you know that," said Legolas suddenly. "You cannot make a decision on where and how to live if you only know one of your options. Going with the rangers would allow you to find out more about how they live. You an always come back here."
"But what about us?"
Legolas' eyes saddened. "We would not see each other for a while. The rangers' settlements are too far from my home, unless a mission takes you further east, meeting up would be difficult. I would not be able to leave my duties for such a long time, and I also do not believe that my father would permit it. He is not only my father, but also my king, and I am bound by duty and honour not to let him down him. Disappearing to the western parts of the country would not be acceptable."
"Legolas, what will happen to us in the future? How are we going to see each other?"
"I think we both will have to live without each other for some time to come. It will be difficult for both of us, but one day you will decide what you will do. And then we have to find an arrangement that allows us to see each other. Either I will spend some time with you, with the rangers or here in Rivendell; or you will come and visit me. We will find a way. Estel, you are still young for a human, we have a lot of time to work things out."
They sat in the tree and talked about their options for a long time into the evening. The evening meal came and went, but neither noted the time. It was only when the sun had disappeared, and the air grew cold and damp that they made their way back to the house.
They had not come up with any better option than Elrond's suggestion, both saw the sense in it even though neither liked the thought of a separation of indefinite length.
When they arrived back in the house, Legolas said: "It will please my father."
"What?"
"That I will see less of you." There was bitterness in the young elf's voice. Both were silent for a moment.
"Legolas, we have the entire winter here together. Let us make the best of it. It would have been nice not to have these decisions coming up now, but they have. But at least we will able to enjoy a few months here. Let us try not to have this time spoiled by what might come in the future."
Legolas nodded. Both were in a subdued mood for the rest of the evening.
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It was late. Elrond found he could not sleep after the conversation he had had with both Estel and Legolas. Both had been hurt today – the last thing he had wanted to happen on their first day after their return. And yet, he would not have wanted to deceive Legolas, the prince needed to know what his father had written. Talking with Estel was also urgent; he did not want to wait until Halbarad would arrive. These and other thoughts were churning around in Elrond's mind, so he decided to get up. He put on a robe and went through the hall to the main balcony of the house, which faced the valley and was lit by the moon and the stars.
He was only mildly surprised to find Legolas already there, leaning on the railing and watching the stars.
He gave no acknowledgement of the older elf's presence. Elrond leaned on the railing next to Legolas. The wind stirred both of their long hair, blowing Legolas' blonde hair into Elrond's face. Still not speaking, the younger elf gathered the wayward strands and quickly braided them into a single loose braid that hung over his left shoulder. Elrond broke the silence,
"Are you not cold?" Even though elves are not affected by cold, they still feel it, and Legolas was only wearing a set of thin sleep clothes he had borrowed from Elladan.
"Oh … perhaps I am. I have not thought about it." Legolas shrugged his shoulders. He had been so deep in thought that he had not noticed how chill the night air was. Changing the topic completely, he said:
"You must be very angry at my father after this letter."
Elrond regarded the prince with level eyes for a moment. "I admit that I was very annoyed when I read this letter first. But there is a part of me that understands your father. He loves you deeply, after your mother's death you were the only reason that kept him from fading."
With a sigh he continued. "Once your father and I were friends. We were never very close friends, but close enough for me to be invited to his wedding. How much has Thandruil told you about your mother and their wedding?"
"Not very much. I know that my father's marriage caused a rift between him and his father because my mother was of the Silvan people, not the Eldar. After her death, my father hardly ever talked about her, I think it pained him too much to think about her. I have been told that when I was very young my father would not look at me because I remind him too much of her. But I cannot remember that time. I was only an infant in arms when she was killed by orcs." Legolas tone was neutral, it was obvious that he had no memory of his mother.
"You do look like your mother. You have inherited her features and eyes, but you have your father's hair and skin. Your mother was of Silvan origin, so she was dark. I have only met your mother twice, on your parents wedding day, and one time afterwards. She was beautiful and gentle, but not weak. She was a good match for your father and I have rarely seen a marriage that was more of a love match than your parents'. They defied all customs and traditions and opted for a simple wood-elf bonding, not a royal ceremony. Your grandfather was furious!"
Elrond smiled at the memory, and Legolas returned the smile. He could just about imagine the upset this would have caused. There was evidently a lot about his parents he did not know.
"Probably because the love between your parents was so great, your mother got pregnant almost immediately after the wedding. She carried the child to full term but it was wedged and died at birth. You had an older sister, Legolas."
Legolas stared at the elf-lord. His father had never mentioned this, and yet it explained much of the fierce protectiveness he displayed towards his son.
"Your mother was torn inside and lost a lot of blood. She grew weaker by the day and your father alerted me by messenger. I arrived in time to save your mother's life. You came along about two millennia later. By that time Oropher had been lost in the War of the Last Alliance, and your father has never come to terms with this. He still blames me for his father's death since it was I who commanded the elves on that day. And perhaps it was my fault, I have asked myself that question many times. Many lives were lost that day, perhaps if I had given different orders, some might still be alive."
"Legolas, for your father you are not only his only son and heir. You are also the one living connection he still has with your mother. Your father loved your mother beyond all reason, and much of this has been transferred to you. So he is overprotective and lashes out against anything and anyone he perceives as a threat to you. And that includes Estel and myself."
"But in the end Thandruil will have to accept that you will have to lead your own life. You will have to take your own risks and make your own choices. But I have no doubt that you and he will clash about this many times in the future yet. But never forget Legolas, whatever passes between you, your father loves you, loves you enough to risk alienating me even further at a time when he knows he might need allies. The darkness is growing and your father knows this, too."
"I had a sister? No one has ever told me!" Shock and incredulity were evident in Legolas' voice.
"Your sister never lived. Your parents probably wanted to spare you that knowledge."
"It all explains a lot about my father. I wish I had known this earlier."
"Perhaps I should not have told you since your father has chosen not to do so. But I did not wish you to judge your father too harshly, as hurtful and annoying his letter may be for you, Estel and myself. You will have to talk to your father, Legolas, and convince him that in the end your life is yours to live. And that includes loving whom you chose, much as he did himself."
Legolas was facing sideways again and was gazing across the dark valley. He was silently trying to absorb everything that Elrond had said. They stood leaning on the railings for a long time, until Elrond said: "Go to Estel. I know he will not sleep tonight. Comfort him and find some comfort yourself."
Legolas turned, a surprised look on his face. Whenever Estel and he had been at either family's home, they had not spent their nights together. They had agreed a long time ago that sharing a bed in their parental homes just did not feel right, even though both were past their maturity. But he had to admit that after everything that had happened this day, he would appreciate Estel's company very much.
The prince took a deep breath, and quietly thanked Elrond. Then he went inside.
Elrond looked at the retreating prince and shook his head. He was quite shocked to find how little Legolas knew of his mother, but yet again, he understood Thandruil. The less he talked about his wife, the easier it was to ignore the pain of her death. The elf-lord hoped that somehow or other, things would work out for Estel and Legolas. He could see and sense their affection, it was deep and true. Even a temporary separation would be hard for both of them, and yet it was necessary to allow Estel to become more familiar with the ways of men.
With that final thought, Elrond headed back towards his bed. It was getting very late.
TBC. Please review!