Author's note: Yet again a big 'thank you' to all reviewers. The last chapter was rather sad. I agree with all of you … and yes, I did think of a middle earth version of monopoly when I wrote the small scene about the game.

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Chapter 19 – To Make A Choice

Somehow or other, Estel made it through the day. He functioned but inside he felt completely empty. Legolas had gone, and he did not know at all when he would see him again. They had been apart before, but they had always known that in a few months time they would meet again. This was different; this was a separation of indeterminate length.

When it came to the midday meal, he ate what was put in front of him, unaware of what he was eating. Elrond looked at his foster son with concern. He had expected Estel to take the separation from Legolas hard, but the young man looked completely dazed. When spoken to, he needed gentle promptings before he reacted, and Elrond was certain that he had no idea what he had just eaten.

Elrond wondered what task he could find for Estel to keep him busy, but which would not suffer too badly from his son's lack of concentration. Finally he asked the young man to help him sort out books in the library. Estel complied without objections, on this afternoon Elrond could have asked him to jump down the waterfalls and he would have hardly noticed.

By the time the bells rang for the evening meal, Estel was exhausted. He felt so torn apart that the thought of further eating felt repulsive. He gave his excuses to Elrond and went to his room. He laid down on his bed, staring at the carved ceiling. In his mind he saw Legolas' face, his shy smile and sparkling eyes. He heard the last words that Legolas had said to him. And all of a sudden, the tears came. The heartache and worries, and the immense loss that Estel felt at Legolas departure made way their way into great, heart rendering sobs, which he stiffled with his pillow. Estel, also called Aragorn, foster son of Lord Elrond and future ranger, laid on his bed with his hands clenched into fists, sobbing until there were no tears left. He cried for Legolas, for himself, for lost opportunities, for a future that might not be, for having to leave his home and family.

Somewhat later, Elrond heard the muffled sobs and quietly opened the door. His heart ached for his foster son, this separation seemed to be so cruel. And Estel was still young enough to find relief in tears. Elrond simply sat down on the edge of Estel's bed and laid his hand on his human son's back, giving support but not truly interfering.

Finally, Estel fell asleep after the emotional upheaval. Elrond remained with him for a long time, only when the elf-lord was certain that the young man was fast asleep, he covered his son with a blanket and left for his own rooms with a heavy heart.

Estel woke up during the early hours of the morning, feeling drained and yet strangely at peace. The desperation he had felt during the previous evening had given way to determination. Estel was now certain that no matter what happened in the next few years, he would find Legolas again and they would have a future together.

Estel never knew that this night his childhood irrevocably ended. Moving from rebelling against his fate to accepting it, but determined to fight for the love of his life, Estel took the responsibility for his own fate. He realised that ultimately, he made the choices in his life, and he had to live with the consequences – all of them. And it was him who had to decide which prices were worthwhile paying, no one could or would do that for him. And Estel accepted this responsibility.

When he came to breakfast the next morning, Elrond was surprised to see how clear the young man's eyes were. There were no uncertainties and doubts, only a calm acceptance of his situation but also determination. And Elrond guessed that the latter concerned Estel's desire to see Legolas again.

A few days later, Halbarad and a few other rangers came to collect Estel. Estel and his family kept the good-byes brief. No one wished to prolong the parting. Rivendell would always be Estel's home, and Estel expected to see his brothers and father again as soon as Halbarad felt he had settled well enough amongst the rangers. This was a temporary parting, and whilst painful, it did not seems to be as final as the parting from Legolas had appeared.

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Six months later.

King Thandruil took a break from working on his paper work. His thoughts wandered to his son, whose return after almost two years had wrought more than one change.

Initially, Thandruil had been overjoyed by Legolas' return, and had even allowed himself to show this joy clearly. He was glad to see that Legolas had responded with the same obvious pleasure of seeing him.

But after a few quiet days in Lasgalen, Legolas had approached an unpleasant topic. Thandruil was working in his study, when Legolas knocked on his door.

"Father, do you have time to talk?"

Thandruil did not really have time, but thought that for his only son, he would make the time. When Legolas approached him in this manner, it had to be important.

The king looked up from his paperwork and smiled. "Of course. If it is important enough for you to come and interrupt me, I have time for it."

"I saw the letter you sent to Lord Elrond." Legolas said, careful to use the formal title. He looked levelly at his father. "It hurt me greatly to find out that you object so much to Estel and that you have never told me. But what hurts most is that in all these years you have not tried once to see beyond the fact that he is mortal."

Thandruil was shocked, both by the fact that Legolas knew about the letter and the fact that he had the courage to bring it up with him.

There was pain in the dark blue eyes of his son, and a vulnerability that Legolas had not allowed his father to see in many years.

Thandruil felt a mixture of anger and pity. "This letter was not meant for your eyes. And yet, I wrote nothing but the truth in it. This foster son of his will not take my son away from me."

"Father, he has a name. Estel has been coming here for many years, and not once have you been at least remotely welcoming to him. I love him. You will not change that." Legolas' eyes now showed defiance and anger.

In turn, Thandruil got more annoyed. "Legolas, if you have read this letter, I do not have to repeat what I said in it. You have responsibilities here which you will fulfil. You are not only my son but also a prince, and one day you will have to marry an elf-maiden. I have already begun to look at suitable candidates. You are still too young to marry but in another decade or so it will be time."

"I will not marry anyone who is not of my choosing. My life is my own, to give to a mate of my own choosing. I have made my choice." With those words, Legolas turned and left, closing the door behind him very quietly.

No, Thandruil thought, you have not yet made your choice because you are too young take this decision. Yet again, the king inwardly wished Estel to the end of the world. If it had not been for this boy, Legolas may have chosen a more suitable female companion for physical experimentation. Thandruil was not naïve enough to believe hat his son's relationship had remained platonic, even though he had never seen Estel and Legolas showing each other affection in public or in front of him.

With a sigh, the king returned to his work. Somehow or other, he and Legolas always ended up arguing, although, the king admitted to himself, Legolas was more important to him than his own life.

Altogether, the king found his son changed, whether for better or worse, he was not yet certain. Although still more reserved than outgoing, Legolas was much more confident than he had been when he left two years ago. He insisted on being given regular patrol duties and emphasised that he did not want any special treatment. Thandruil had been reluctant to agree to this, prior attempt of integrating Legolas as an 'ordinary' warrior had miserably failed. Not so this time. The king heard no complaints from either his son or others, so he assumed that things were going smoothly.

At first, Legolas had found attempting to fit in with the other warriors as he had done in Imladris difficult. Everyone was used to seeing him as the prince, not a capable warrior in his own right. But he received help from an unexpected quarter. Rinirion and Anuvial, the two elves who had accompanied him from Rivendell talked about what they had seen in Imladris, and how well liked and respected Legolas had appeared there. This resulted in many more of the warriors making an effort to talk to him since they felt that a prince from Lasgalen should not be more appreciated in Imladris than at home. Legolas did his best to downplay his rank and to participate in everything and anything.

Consequently, slowly, Legolas was respected much more than before, and was able to build up tentative friendships beyond his few long-term personal friends. He was also able to show the Mirkwood warriors that even a prince can be a good, if not outstanding, warrior. He had acquired a number of new techniques during his time in Imladris, which he now gladly passed on to others. Altogether, slowly, the prince was able to gain the respect, acceptance and in some cases friendship of his fellow warriors.

Legolas also made a point of getting to know the other non-royal inhabitants of Lasgalen better. In Imladris, differences in status were much less pronounced than in Lasgalen. Elrond valued every one of his people equally, whether he or she were a smith, a seamstress or a warrior. In Lasgalen, there had always been clear boundaries concerning who was acceptable company for whom.

Legolas had already decided before his return that he would make an effort to break out of this pattern, and once at home, spent much time talking and watching a very wide variety of people. Soon, one of his favourite haunts became the kitchens. He had liked to spend time there as a child, but as he grew up, protocol had prevented him from these visits. Now, he did not care, and returned to visiting the kitchens when he felt hungry or simply when he wanted some undemanding company. Much to his surprise, he found it as easy now as it had been as a child to charm the cooks into giving him extras of his favourite foods.

He also missed Estel immensely. He fell asleep with the image of his lover on his mind and woke up with it. He missed Estel's smile and the twinkle in his grey eyes when he looked at him. He missed the young man's always present support, his laughter, and their long, intimate conversations. He missed being embraced and caressed. He missed making love. But Legolas Thandruilion told no one about this private suffering. He knew his father would not be sympathetic, and there were not many people in Mirkwood with whom Legolas would share such personal issues. Some of his closer friends noticed the sadness in his eyes, but no one asked, and Legolas did not volunteer to talk about it.

He thought on more than one occasion that if Elladan were here, he could speak to him. The young archer was acutely aware of the fact that he had made closer friends in Imladris in one short year than he hade made in centuries in Mirkwood.

Currently, the Legolas had returned from a patrol. He was dirty, hungry and tired. His patrol unit had encountered and taken out a rather large nest of spiders, there had been many of the evil creatures and the four elves had to fight hard. But they had persevered and finally been able to kill the last of the creatures. They had then returned to the palace sicne it was the end of their duty anyway. A replacement until was already on its way.

Legolas' first duty was to report to his father. With amazement he realised that although many things had changed since his return, the relationship with his father was as difficult as it had always been, perhaps it had become even more so since he had become more confident and less easy to manipulate. Legolas made his way to his father's study, and reported the incident with the spiders. Thandruil was concerned.

"You said there were many of them, more than usual?"

Legolas nodded. "The darkness from Dol Guldur is spreading. We will have to find out what is happening there."

Thandruil looked at his son, for the first time appreciating him for the warrior he had become.

"We will discuss this after you had an opportunity to bathe and eat." 

The younger elf nodded and made his way to his rooms. Once he had arrived, he quickly stripped and enjoyed a long warm bath, relaxing in the warm water. He felt much better afterwards. Whilst he was dressing in fresh clothes, he looked onto his desk. There was a message! A sealed parchment that had been delivered to his room whilst he had been away. He would have recognised the handwriting, slanting and bold, anywhere. It was a letter from Estel.

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Dearest Legolas,

I have now been living with the rangers for four months. Today a messenger is leaving for Imladris and I will give him this letter. Father will send it on to you. I hope it finds you well.

Legolas, I miss you more than I can say. Everything. Your smile, your face, hearing you laugh, talking to you, joking with you, holding you, making love with you. But you are not here and life must carry on.

I still feel very much that I am a stranger amongst these people. Strangely enough, many of them look like me, it feels very odd. I do not feel that I have much in common with them.

When Halbarad collected me, he insisted on a few what he called 'ground rules'. He wanted me to change my clothes and to cut my hair, so that I would fit in easier amongst men. Changing into ranger's clothing was not difficult, although I find the clothes cumbersome and awkward. Imagine to have breeches with buttons at the front instead of laces, I cannot believe that men wear these all the time! And these great, heavy cloaks – Halbarad has given me one, he said it was my natural father's. When he gave it to me, I thought I would feel some connection, but there was nothing. Just a big heavy dark cloak.

Then Halbarad insisted on cutting my hair. I have not had short hair like this since I was a small child. It is a nuisance because I cannot tie it back anymore and it is in my face all the time. I will feel uncomfortable when I return home.

But the most difficult thing for me is the language. In the summer, when we all travelled together, we spoke more Sindarin than Westron since both rangers understood it. Halbarad told me that not all rangers do and that I would have to improve my Westron. By the end of the day, I feel completely brain-dead. I know that my Westron is not as good as it should be, I can communicate well enough but I make mistakes and I have to concentrate hard. They have also told me that I have a strong Sindarin accent. It is such hard work to think and speak in a foreign language all the time!

And then the food. When we travelled in the summer, we mixed elvish and human food, and that was fine with me. Now, I have no choice. They eat so much meat, I am surprised there is any game left around human settlements at all! And my body simply refuses to process it. After some days of terrible discomfort, I had to resort to taking some herbs to help things along. It works, but I believe I will have to use these for a long time to come. I would give a lot for a simple meal cooked by my father's cooks.

Well, and what have we done? We travelled from Rivendell westwards until we reached the settlements of the rangers. They are a strange folk, quiet and secretive, and yet they are proud of their heritage. They live in small, fortified settlements, rough to behold from the outside. But inside the dwellings, every item is crafted beautifully, it is easy to see the elven heritage in this people. In contrast to most humans, they educate their children in reading and writing, herb lore and history, they teach them how to live in harmony with nature, but also how to track and to fight. Their girls all learn some midwifery, and each will learn the use of at least one weapon, boys and girls alike. They are a proud people but I can still not believe that I am one of them. I am using my given human name, so many people have recognised me. I have kin here, cousins I had heard of, but whom I had never met.

Legolas, I am worried that when we see each other again, you will not like what you find.

And yet, I miss you so much. I think of you all the time. You know what I miss most of all? Waking up with you in the mornings, feeling you close to me. At home I did not realise how much this meant to me.

Please write soon, write to Rivendell, sooner or later a message will make it to me.

I love you more than words can tell.

Estel

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Legolas put the letter down. He took a deep breath. Reading Estel's words had been like hearing his voice, his letter being written so much in the same way as he spoke. By the Valar, he had not known that it was possible to miss another so much!

The prince pondered Estel's words. Some of it was touching, and some of it was quite funny. He could just about see Estel struggling with human food or clothing. He could not, however, imagine Estel with short hair, as long as they had known it had always been waist length, longer than his own. But it also saddened Legolas that Estel, who was mortal after all, felt so little connection to his own people. Unused to their language and customs, he found it clearly quite difficult to adapt.

The prince wondered whether Elrond knew how hard the change would be for Estel from living in Rivendell to living with the rangers. He probably did, but this letter showed plainly that Estel had a lot to learn about his own people. Legolas decided to answer as soon as possible and send the message to Rivendell.

TBC.  Please review