"Statistical Anomaly" by A Gentleman of Leisure.
Disclaimer: See Part 1.
Part 9: Interview With A Vampire Slayer - Pt 2
"So you kill the vampires and demons, Buffy? Or slay them, as you call it. Why you? What makes it your job?" Scully asked.
Buffy glanced at Giles, who shook his head very slightly in warning.
She shrugged. "If you knew they were out there, attacking and killing people, maybe your friends from High School and so on, wouldn't you do something about it?"
"But I don't understand. Why you and your friends, Buffy? Why should it be you?"
"It's a dirty job, but someone's got to do it", she said.
"So you just go out and hunt these monsters down and kill them. Is it fun?" said Scully sternly.
"Oh, no. Of course not" Buffy replied, frowning. "Look, Agent Skuller, this isn't a game for us, this is serious stuff. Last night, those three demons were hunting us. If they'd left us alone it would have been fine, but they attacked us, don't forget. And then they went for you", she added. "Remember?"
"We did sort of save your lives", Willow pointed out diffidently.
"Yes, and did we get a 'thank you' for it, I'd like to know?" Cordelia said sharply. "I think not".
"Right. And after last night's fun and games, we didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition", Xander said, a little indignant.
"And not a comfy chair in sight", Mulder murmured to himself, glancing round the library.
"What about the police? Isn't that their job?" Scully persisted.
"Have you actually met our Sunnydale police force?" Giles said. He sounded quite scathing. "I doubt if they could find their own rear ends with both hands and a mirror".
"Right. And a book of instructions!" said Xander.
"In extra large print!" Willow added.
"With pictures too", said Buffy brightly.
"Yeah. Dopey, much?" Cordelia put in. "All they're good for is handing out traffic citations".
"Yes. Somehow the word 'useless' springs to mind", said Giles. "I think that, on the whole, they probably find it's sometimes more convenient, and safer for them, to turn a blind eye and let things take care of themselves, in the hope that the problems will all have gone away of their own accord by next morning, rather like a bad dream", he concluded.
"So that means it's up to us to take care of things", Willow said.
"Slayerettes to the rescue!" exclaimed Xander.
"Xander!" Giles and Willow exclaimed, but it was too late, the words were out.
"Slayerettes?" Scully said. "Is that what you call yourselves? Slayerettes? Why that name?"
"Because we slay vampires, of course", Buffy said quickly.
"And so I deduce you call yourself 'The Slayer'", Mulder said slowly, nodding to himself. "You were really the one in charge last night, weren't you? I saw you catch that tombstone thrown at me. Impressive, very impressive".
Giles sighed. This was not going as well as could be expected. They were all giving away far too much information.
"And you and your Slayerettes took care of three seven foot... er... demons", Scully said.
"With knobs on!" Xander chimed in.
"That's us", said Willow. "We hunt down the ghoulies and ghosties and long leggetty b-beasties, and things that go bump in the night".
"Sounds like the Scooby Doo cartoons", said Mulder, with a smile.
"You watch way too much television on your days off", Scully told him.
"Which are few and far between", Mulder pointed out.
"Oh yes, I've seen those too", Giles remarked, to the Slayerettes' surprise. They knew very little of his personal tastes in such things - they weren't even sure he actually owned a television set. So far as they knew, his favourite, and almost his only topic of conversation was Buffy's mission to hunt down and eliminate vampires and demons.
"For research purposes only, you understand", he added for the others' benefit.
"Yeah, yeah", they all said, grinning broadly. Old Giles a cartoon freak, just like any normal person! Who'd have thought it?
"But it's basically just the same adventure every week, though", he continued, almost as if he was talking to himself. "And I'm sure they were really originally based on the Famous Five stories".
Everybody sitting round the table looked at him blankly, save one.
"Oh, yes, The Famous Five. I remember them", Mulder said slowly, surprising even Giles. He gazed into the middle distance, calling up old memories.
"British kids' adventure story series, weren't they? There was a strange craze for them among the undergraduates when I was a student at Balliol College, Oxford - 2 boys, 2 girls and a dog, wasn't it? Finding treasure, or smugglers, or kidnappers or some such?"
"So now we're the Famous Five? Nice name - I like it!" said Willow.
"Well, I wouldn't exactly call Cordy a dog, though she can be a bitch sometimes", Buffy said, leaving Cordelia temporarily speechless, quite an achievement in itself.
"This is one of those British 'growing up' things, isn't it?" Xander asked doubtfully, a little confused.
"Yes" Mulder said. "It was the cool thing at Oxford University in the 80's for some peculiar reason. I suppose it would have made an interesting subject for my psychology thesis, if I hadn't already decided on one", he added thoughtfully.
"When I was there in the early 70's the 'in' thing was magic", Giles said, and then looked as if he wished he'd not mentioned it.
"Oh yes. The hills are alive with it", Mulder quoted, looking at Willow, who went bright pink with embarrassment.
At this point there was a natural lull in the conversation, while everyone looked at each other and wondered what to say next.
-----
"So", said Giles eventually, "um... these aliens, then. Little green men?"
"Not really", Mulder said. "Big, strong, but they do have green blood".
"Ah, I see. That sounds very like what we met last night. I can quite see the reason for the confusion. You've actually met some of these aliens then?"
Mulder in his turn thought about things - how much to say, how much he could find out from these people.
"Sort of", he said eventually, cautiously. "But their blood is lethal to us, and they can change shape".
"Oh, oh, oh! So that's why when the FBI vamp went into game face the other night, you thought he was one!" Buffy exclaimed.
"Excuse me?"
Mulder and Scully both looked blankly at her, as if she had just spoken to them in a foreign language.
"We have specialist technical terms in our field of operations", Giles said smiling slightly, "as I imagine you do in yours. Willow, would you like to translate, or shall I?"
"Hey, Slayer here! Don't I qualify?"
"I thought Willow might be more adept at the technical explanations, Buffy", Giles told her.
"Oh, OK. Me no think, me just kill", Buffy said in her best dull, low-IQ, Cletus-the-slack-jawed-yokel voice.
"Yeah. Little Miss Whirlwind Blood-and-Guts 1997, much?" Cordelia commented acidly.
"And you do it superbly, Buff", Xander reassured her.
"Thank you, Xander. Glad to know someone has confidence in me".
"Er, yes. Thank you", Giles said, furiously polishing his glasses again.
'If he does that frequently enough', Scully thought to herself, 'he'll never need to go to an optometrist again - he'll polish himself a new lens prescription without noticing'.
"'Game face' is our term for a vampire when it's showing its vampire or hunting face. Some of the time they can look quite like normal people, then when they start to hunt, or they're about to feed, their faces get all bumpy and their fangs appear", Willow told them. "Buffy told us about what happened to you when you met those two the night before last".
"So it was you I saw when I was attacked", Mulder said to the Slayer.
"You weren't actually attacked - well, not quite. They didn't get the chance", Buffy said sharply. "You were rescued. There's a difference. Those two vamps, they were your missing FBI men though, weren't they?"
Mulder nodded.
"Right, well if we'd been ten seconds later then you would have been turned, just like they've been".
"Turned?" Scully said uncertainly.
"Yes. Into a vampire - like them".
"Oh! What, one bite and you're dead? Or undead?"
"Well, barring a little mutual blood sucking, which is gross, but essential from their point of view, that's it".
"It's actually a touch more complex...", Giles interposed.
"...But not so's you'd have time to notice", Willow said dryly.
Scully looked quite shocked.
"It's as quick as that?"
"Quicker", Buffy answered. "And they're much stronger than you, nearly invulnerable, and there are only three ways to kill one - putting a stake through its heart, cutting its head off, setting it on fire, and exposing it to sunlight".
"That's four ways, Buff", Xander pointed out.
"So bite me! Four ways then, Agents Mouldy & Skuller. Oh, and they don't like crosses or holy water either, of course. But I expect you already knew that".
"What about garlic? Isn't that traditionally supposed to be a defence against the undead, er... vampires?" Mulder asked.
"Well, it's true the only moderately safe profession in Sunnydale is that of French chef", Giles told him with a wry smile. "But I wouldn't stake your life on it, if I were you", he added.
"So that explains the decorations in the prowl cars", Mulder said to Scully.
"Oh, you noticed those too", Giles said. "Yes, garlic helps, but don't ask me why".
"And how many vampires do you think there are in Sunnydale?" Scully asked them.
"How long is a piece of string?" Xander riposted smartly. Then he looked puzzled, frowned and leaned over to whisper something in Willow's ear.
"Twice as long as half a piece", they heard her whisper back.
Mulder shook his head.
"I'm finding it difficult to comprehend - the idea that dead people can actually walk around..." he said. "Or are they really dead at all?"
"Oh, they're dead all right, or do I mean un-alive? Or rather undead. Oh dear, now I'm getting a little confused myself", said Giles.
Xander attempted to clarify it for them: "It's life, Agent Mouldy, but not as you know it!"
"Look", said Buffy, in the hope of explaining things. "Here in Sunnydale there are three ways of dying - permanently, temporarily, and being vamped. Number 2 is the only one I can talk about from personal experience, though I can't really recommend it".
The two FBI agents looked hard at her, and she suddenly felt embarrassed.
"It's a long story..." Giles started to say.
"...And I'm too short", she finished. "'Nuff said?"
Mulder nodded his agreement. Scully shrugged.
"So what exactly was happening last night?" she asked.
"I guess you were following us, after the previous night's little fracas, weren't you?" Buffy said accusingly.
"It's a dirty job..."
"Yeah, yeah. We get the picture", the Slayer said tiredly.
"Yes, we see", the other Slayerettes chorused.
"Let me try to explain it for you", Giles said, taking up the thread. "We had deduced that when the two FBI vampires disappeared they'd gone down into the storm drains that run under the whole town - and that's another story in itself. They use it as a way to get about safely during daylight hours, like a freeway, and they have dwellings down there, which we term 'nests'. We were hoping we could find where they were living, and if we could, either kill them - we call it 'dusting' them - or, if they weren't at home, work out how to get them when they would be down there during daylight over the coming weekend".
"And you right royally screwed that one up for us", said Cordelia. "Clever... not!"
"I don't think that's entirely fair, Cordelia", Willow commented. "It seems the vamps had probably recruited those demons, intending to ambush us. Trap us down in the tunnel and attack us from front and rear. Instead of which the vamps didn't show, and the demons were trapped instead".
"And came to a very sticky end!" Mulder said with a smile.
"Euwww! Don't talk to me about sticky!" Cordelia complained. "That dress was ruined. And I'll never get the stains out of my new leather boots - I'll have to get them dyed".
"Well, at least it was the demons that died, and not any of us", Buffy joked.
"And you should know what to wear by now when you're out on a night's patrolling, Cordy", Xander told her. "Anyway, we all got a fair share of the green blood, thank you very much".
END OF PART 9. TO BE CONTINUED...