Thinking back on it, the three of us really did make quite the odd little
trio. We were the best of friends, nothing odd about that, right? But
that was just on the outside. What really made us odd were the little
things that no one else knew, and how much we really did love each other --
platonically and romantically.
Really, it's kind of hard to tell if any of us ever loved the other romantically... then again, maybe we all loved each other romantically; maybe the word platonic just didn't exist in our vocabulary.
Sirius loved James. James loved Sirius. They were absolutely and utterly devoted to each other, more than I have ever seen two people devote themselves in my entire life. Their love went way past best friends, it went way past brotherly love, it even gave James and Lily's perfect relationship a run for its money. The funny thing is, though, they never got physical. Sure, they might've kissed each other once or twice, but it was always innocent. If they kissed, they were either playing, or comforting, and it was never done out in public. I was the only one who saw...
Come to think of it, I don't think Lily ever even knew. But, I suppose it was for the better, that she view James and Sirius's relationship and fraternal. Or... maybe it wasn't... You never know. And, I suppose, it doesn't really matter anymore, as they're all three of them dead.
But, back to the story. There was Sirius and James. But, I guess I haven't mentioned myself yet, have I?
James and I... well, for some reason that I can't quite fathom, we were never really THAT close. Sure, we were best friends, we all were, and I loved him like a brother... But that was it. There was no bond between us that exceeded the norm, no bridge between our souls existed, like it did with him and Sirius.
Really, to be honest with you, James never quite forgave me for being the first of us three that Lily trusted. Sure, I was the one responsible for finally getting them together in the first place, but I think he always suspected that there was something going on between us two. Of course there wasn't, we were merely good friends, and she had always had eyes only for James, she'd just been too proud to admit it till I goaded her into it.
James never had to worry about Sirius stealing Lily; she never did like him. Didn't like his personality. I expect that one of the few reasons that she even put up with him was his and James's bond. Of course, she came to love him as a brother-in-law over time, but it took awhile before she was able to admit that she didn't loathe him.
No, James and I were merely best friends, but I had unconsciously attached myself to Sirius the moment I laid eyes on him, when we were 11, that first day on the Hogwarts Express. I... I can't explain it, even to this day, I just can't explain it. Something in him just called to me, and I responded, and that's how it went. Ours was never a physical relationship while we were kids, barely even a kiss passed between us till we were much older.
We had an odd habit of protecting each other that was different from the way he interacted with James. He and James, they stood next to each other, forever, always ready to fight the other's battle, if need be. But Sirius treated me differently from James.
During our school years, I was so often teased and picked on and abused, and rather than stand there and take it with me, Sirius would gently escort me away from the people harassing me, and since James stood by Sirius no matter what, he would take all the hits for both of us. I never cried till we got away, never let anyone else see. Infact, I don't even think I cried all THAT much, but sometimes it got to me, and Sirius always knew how to take the burdens away. He knew what I needed, and if I needed to cry, he let me, no questions asked.
People hated me for being so shy and smart, and for being best friends with James and Sirius, who were always insanely popular. We were all three of us handsome, all three of us intellectual, but for some reason, no one ever liked me as much as they liked James and Sirius. I don't know why, and it doesn't really matter. It didn't back then, either.
In 5th year, someone other than us found out that I was a werewolf. As I remember, it was a Slytherin, and whether it was Snape who figured it out first, or Malfoy, or someone else, I can't remember. I don't think we ever quite figured out who started the rumor. It didn't really matter, anyway, because the entire school knew in less than two days' time.
I, of course, was mortified: This was my worst nightmare come true. When Sirius and James had found out so many years before, I had been worried that they wouldn't like me anymore, but they still did. When THIS rumor got out, however, my worries became truths. Except, it wasn't James and Sirius abandoning me, oh no. Everyone else did, but they always stood right next to me, unwaveringly, no matter what anyone else said. Sirius protected me, as always, and James stood guard over us, seeing that no one could hurt either one of us.
We got through that, somehow, and, strangely enough, you'd think that all three of our reputations would be forever damaged. But, somehow, it was just me who got all the heat for it the next year. James and Sirius were always just James and Sirius; gods to the children of Hogwarts.
Then, we left Hogwarts to go out into the wonderful wide world. Scratch out the wonderful part, and you'll have the truth. The war was on, the first war against Voldemort, and it was... Well, it was horrible. It pitted friend against friend, brother against brother, and father against son. Or, rather, in our case, it pitted James and Sirius against me, Sirius against his brother Regulous, and Mr. Black against Sirius.
They didn't trust me. Well, no, it was Sirius who didn't trust me, and, as he so often did, he got James to forget his opinion of me, and only trust Sirius's. They didn't let me be secret-keeper. They picked Peter instead. Sometimes, I wonder how Sirius could've been so dense. Peter was NEVER to be trusted; we all knew that from experience. But, I suppose Sirius DID have a point in his argument, however far-fetched it was. I was the only werewolf I knew of who hadn't gone over to Voldemort's side. It was really quite embarrassing for my kind, to think that I was the only one of us werewolves who wasn't a traitor.
But, no matter WHAT he thought of me, Sirius was always there for me during my transformations. He had promised he would be, but it was still a bit of a surprise that he showed up at my front door the night after we'd all had the huge row over whether or not I was to be trusted. He'd panted, as though he'd been running, and said, "Sorry I'm late Remmy, I was over convincing Jamie that he couldn't come... What with the price on his head, and Lily being pregnant and all, he can't risk himself for you; he has a future to worry about." I had hugged him and asked him, "And you CAN risk yourself for me, can you, Siri?" You know what he told me? "Always; anything for you."
That was always his outlook on our relationship. "Anything for you." Even when he totally mistrusted me, he could never hate me. It just wasn't in his character.
Lily and James were killed, and as I'm sure than anyone who happens to read this knows all about the death of the Potters, I won't go into that, because I'd really rather not. Sirius was out for blood when they died, and he knew to go after little Peter. The night before, we talked. I begged him to lay low and not do anything. I literally got on my knees and begged him, pleading with all my heart, somehow knowing that something bad would happen if he went through with his plan, but he just wouldn't listen. Not even my scared tears could sway him from his path of blood-lust.
Twelve long years he spent in Azkaban. For those twelve years, I tried to tell myself he was guilty, but just couldn't. I knew he hadn't done that; yes, he'd been angry, but he wouldn't've killed Peter like THAT, blowing apart the whole bloody street. For all his great and powerful rages that he was capable of going into, Sirius really was a very gentle person. He wouldn't have killed unless he needed to, he wouldn't have taken all those innocent Muggle lives for nothing. He would've wanted Peter to suffer and die slowly, while he watched and laughed; once the little rat was dead, Sirius would come running back to me and cry in my arms. He told me all his plans the night before he was captured, and I had been certain that he would stick to them.
That night in the Shrieking Shack, we came back together as though there had never been twelve years inbetween, and as though he had never mistrusted me before the Potters died. Snape accused us of bickering like an old married couple, and that was how it felt to be back with Sirius: like being back with my wife of many years after she'd been on holiday alone.
We kept in touch until the end of Harry's fourth year, when Voldemort came back. We were together that entire summer, and the next school after, getting the Order of the Phoenix back on its feet and ready to enter into the second war. Sirius really hated being cooped up in his family's old house, but I was always there with him as much as possible, and he said that made it bearable.
At this point in time, I could sense a change in our relationship. Sirius had always protected me. He'd chased away the nightmares and the Slytherins alike, and he'd kept the pain at bay by distracting me each and every full moon. Now, though, he needed me more than ever. I had to fill both my role of old, and James's role, and it was hard work, because Sirius needed someone. That someone was me.
That was the summer that we got physical. I kissed him for the first time. It was... magical. That's really the only word I can think of to describe it. It was nothing like kissing a girl. I didn't even do it for any reason that one would kiss a lover. I did it because he was hurting, crying on my shoulder in the middle of the night, and I couldn't help him, but I wanted to, so desperately wanted to. I lifted his face up, gently wiping the tears from his cheeks with the tips of my fingers, and told him that it was alright, I was here for him, and then I gently kissed him. At first, he had gone rigid, but then he relaxed, calming down. I had been taking a long shot when I did it, but I'd hit the nail right on the head. Whenever Sirius had started crying, before, when James was still alive, James would take him in his arms, whispering soft words of reassurance, and then he would kiss him. I just wanted to help my best friend. After the first kiss, he tangled his hands in my hair, pulling me to him for another feather-light touch of our lips, and whispered with his eyes closed, "Thank you, Jamie."
We both knew it wasn't real, but it provided us each a strange sort of comfort, the sort that we couldn't get anywhere else, so we got it from each other. It was bittersweet love, but we enjoyed it. When he kissed me, he always thought for a split-second that it was James. I always felt so guilty about taking James's place, but Sirius NEEDED it, and James wasn't there, so it was my job to comfort him.
And then... Then he passed. I do not wish to speak about that.
It's been a month since that day in the Department of Mysteries, and I feel so... so old, so weak. I have no one left, nothing to fight for, no one to hold me in the middle of the night and chase the nightmares away. And so, even though this isn't NEARLY the story of my life, it's the part that I want remembered, the part that really matters. Consider this my memoir. I don't know, really, who it's for, since I have no children... It can be for Harry and Ron and Hermione, I suppose, if they would like to know who we really were.
We were the Marauders three, and I am Remus J. Lupin, and that was our story, so often bittersweet.
Really, it's kind of hard to tell if any of us ever loved the other romantically... then again, maybe we all loved each other romantically; maybe the word platonic just didn't exist in our vocabulary.
Sirius loved James. James loved Sirius. They were absolutely and utterly devoted to each other, more than I have ever seen two people devote themselves in my entire life. Their love went way past best friends, it went way past brotherly love, it even gave James and Lily's perfect relationship a run for its money. The funny thing is, though, they never got physical. Sure, they might've kissed each other once or twice, but it was always innocent. If they kissed, they were either playing, or comforting, and it was never done out in public. I was the only one who saw...
Come to think of it, I don't think Lily ever even knew. But, I suppose it was for the better, that she view James and Sirius's relationship and fraternal. Or... maybe it wasn't... You never know. And, I suppose, it doesn't really matter anymore, as they're all three of them dead.
But, back to the story. There was Sirius and James. But, I guess I haven't mentioned myself yet, have I?
James and I... well, for some reason that I can't quite fathom, we were never really THAT close. Sure, we were best friends, we all were, and I loved him like a brother... But that was it. There was no bond between us that exceeded the norm, no bridge between our souls existed, like it did with him and Sirius.
Really, to be honest with you, James never quite forgave me for being the first of us three that Lily trusted. Sure, I was the one responsible for finally getting them together in the first place, but I think he always suspected that there was something going on between us two. Of course there wasn't, we were merely good friends, and she had always had eyes only for James, she'd just been too proud to admit it till I goaded her into it.
James never had to worry about Sirius stealing Lily; she never did like him. Didn't like his personality. I expect that one of the few reasons that she even put up with him was his and James's bond. Of course, she came to love him as a brother-in-law over time, but it took awhile before she was able to admit that she didn't loathe him.
No, James and I were merely best friends, but I had unconsciously attached myself to Sirius the moment I laid eyes on him, when we were 11, that first day on the Hogwarts Express. I... I can't explain it, even to this day, I just can't explain it. Something in him just called to me, and I responded, and that's how it went. Ours was never a physical relationship while we were kids, barely even a kiss passed between us till we were much older.
We had an odd habit of protecting each other that was different from the way he interacted with James. He and James, they stood next to each other, forever, always ready to fight the other's battle, if need be. But Sirius treated me differently from James.
During our school years, I was so often teased and picked on and abused, and rather than stand there and take it with me, Sirius would gently escort me away from the people harassing me, and since James stood by Sirius no matter what, he would take all the hits for both of us. I never cried till we got away, never let anyone else see. Infact, I don't even think I cried all THAT much, but sometimes it got to me, and Sirius always knew how to take the burdens away. He knew what I needed, and if I needed to cry, he let me, no questions asked.
People hated me for being so shy and smart, and for being best friends with James and Sirius, who were always insanely popular. We were all three of us handsome, all three of us intellectual, but for some reason, no one ever liked me as much as they liked James and Sirius. I don't know why, and it doesn't really matter. It didn't back then, either.
In 5th year, someone other than us found out that I was a werewolf. As I remember, it was a Slytherin, and whether it was Snape who figured it out first, or Malfoy, or someone else, I can't remember. I don't think we ever quite figured out who started the rumor. It didn't really matter, anyway, because the entire school knew in less than two days' time.
I, of course, was mortified: This was my worst nightmare come true. When Sirius and James had found out so many years before, I had been worried that they wouldn't like me anymore, but they still did. When THIS rumor got out, however, my worries became truths. Except, it wasn't James and Sirius abandoning me, oh no. Everyone else did, but they always stood right next to me, unwaveringly, no matter what anyone else said. Sirius protected me, as always, and James stood guard over us, seeing that no one could hurt either one of us.
We got through that, somehow, and, strangely enough, you'd think that all three of our reputations would be forever damaged. But, somehow, it was just me who got all the heat for it the next year. James and Sirius were always just James and Sirius; gods to the children of Hogwarts.
Then, we left Hogwarts to go out into the wonderful wide world. Scratch out the wonderful part, and you'll have the truth. The war was on, the first war against Voldemort, and it was... Well, it was horrible. It pitted friend against friend, brother against brother, and father against son. Or, rather, in our case, it pitted James and Sirius against me, Sirius against his brother Regulous, and Mr. Black against Sirius.
They didn't trust me. Well, no, it was Sirius who didn't trust me, and, as he so often did, he got James to forget his opinion of me, and only trust Sirius's. They didn't let me be secret-keeper. They picked Peter instead. Sometimes, I wonder how Sirius could've been so dense. Peter was NEVER to be trusted; we all knew that from experience. But, I suppose Sirius DID have a point in his argument, however far-fetched it was. I was the only werewolf I knew of who hadn't gone over to Voldemort's side. It was really quite embarrassing for my kind, to think that I was the only one of us werewolves who wasn't a traitor.
But, no matter WHAT he thought of me, Sirius was always there for me during my transformations. He had promised he would be, but it was still a bit of a surprise that he showed up at my front door the night after we'd all had the huge row over whether or not I was to be trusted. He'd panted, as though he'd been running, and said, "Sorry I'm late Remmy, I was over convincing Jamie that he couldn't come... What with the price on his head, and Lily being pregnant and all, he can't risk himself for you; he has a future to worry about." I had hugged him and asked him, "And you CAN risk yourself for me, can you, Siri?" You know what he told me? "Always; anything for you."
That was always his outlook on our relationship. "Anything for you." Even when he totally mistrusted me, he could never hate me. It just wasn't in his character.
Lily and James were killed, and as I'm sure than anyone who happens to read this knows all about the death of the Potters, I won't go into that, because I'd really rather not. Sirius was out for blood when they died, and he knew to go after little Peter. The night before, we talked. I begged him to lay low and not do anything. I literally got on my knees and begged him, pleading with all my heart, somehow knowing that something bad would happen if he went through with his plan, but he just wouldn't listen. Not even my scared tears could sway him from his path of blood-lust.
Twelve long years he spent in Azkaban. For those twelve years, I tried to tell myself he was guilty, but just couldn't. I knew he hadn't done that; yes, he'd been angry, but he wouldn't've killed Peter like THAT, blowing apart the whole bloody street. For all his great and powerful rages that he was capable of going into, Sirius really was a very gentle person. He wouldn't have killed unless he needed to, he wouldn't have taken all those innocent Muggle lives for nothing. He would've wanted Peter to suffer and die slowly, while he watched and laughed; once the little rat was dead, Sirius would come running back to me and cry in my arms. He told me all his plans the night before he was captured, and I had been certain that he would stick to them.
That night in the Shrieking Shack, we came back together as though there had never been twelve years inbetween, and as though he had never mistrusted me before the Potters died. Snape accused us of bickering like an old married couple, and that was how it felt to be back with Sirius: like being back with my wife of many years after she'd been on holiday alone.
We kept in touch until the end of Harry's fourth year, when Voldemort came back. We were together that entire summer, and the next school after, getting the Order of the Phoenix back on its feet and ready to enter into the second war. Sirius really hated being cooped up in his family's old house, but I was always there with him as much as possible, and he said that made it bearable.
At this point in time, I could sense a change in our relationship. Sirius had always protected me. He'd chased away the nightmares and the Slytherins alike, and he'd kept the pain at bay by distracting me each and every full moon. Now, though, he needed me more than ever. I had to fill both my role of old, and James's role, and it was hard work, because Sirius needed someone. That someone was me.
That was the summer that we got physical. I kissed him for the first time. It was... magical. That's really the only word I can think of to describe it. It was nothing like kissing a girl. I didn't even do it for any reason that one would kiss a lover. I did it because he was hurting, crying on my shoulder in the middle of the night, and I couldn't help him, but I wanted to, so desperately wanted to. I lifted his face up, gently wiping the tears from his cheeks with the tips of my fingers, and told him that it was alright, I was here for him, and then I gently kissed him. At first, he had gone rigid, but then he relaxed, calming down. I had been taking a long shot when I did it, but I'd hit the nail right on the head. Whenever Sirius had started crying, before, when James was still alive, James would take him in his arms, whispering soft words of reassurance, and then he would kiss him. I just wanted to help my best friend. After the first kiss, he tangled his hands in my hair, pulling me to him for another feather-light touch of our lips, and whispered with his eyes closed, "Thank you, Jamie."
We both knew it wasn't real, but it provided us each a strange sort of comfort, the sort that we couldn't get anywhere else, so we got it from each other. It was bittersweet love, but we enjoyed it. When he kissed me, he always thought for a split-second that it was James. I always felt so guilty about taking James's place, but Sirius NEEDED it, and James wasn't there, so it was my job to comfort him.
And then... Then he passed. I do not wish to speak about that.
It's been a month since that day in the Department of Mysteries, and I feel so... so old, so weak. I have no one left, nothing to fight for, no one to hold me in the middle of the night and chase the nightmares away. And so, even though this isn't NEARLY the story of my life, it's the part that I want remembered, the part that really matters. Consider this my memoir. I don't know, really, who it's for, since I have no children... It can be for Harry and Ron and Hermione, I suppose, if they would like to know who we really were.
We were the Marauders three, and I am Remus J. Lupin, and that was our story, so often bittersweet.