The Chosen One must speak on this,
Man, I don't know how Weird Al does this. Making up parody's is HARD! Even harder when you've got work and other stuff to juggle. Mercy.
And, WOW!, I NEVER expected this thing to catch on like this. One or two fans, maybe. If I'd known this baby was gonna get this kinda fan reaction, I would've held off posting it until it was all finished.
But that's neither here nor there. To those of you who've been eternally patient, and for those who haven't been patient at all...and those others who have no clue what's going on (you know who you are), I delay no further in presenting to you the third chapter in my penultimate DBZ fanfic (and, as should be noted, my ONLY DBZ fanfic)...
[Silence]
Kami, They Must Be Crazy.
[Silence]
The one you're reading.
[Silence]
[Sho's them along] Well, go on now. Start reading.
[Silence]
What are you people waiting for? A signal flare?
[Silence]
[groans] You take the mouse, you click the arrow, and you scroll doooooown. Demonstrates See.
[Silence]
[holds head, as if in pain] Fine. Just sit there and stare blankly at the screen. Not like I care. I only wrote the bloody thing. MY obligation has been fulfilled.
[Silence]
I swear, you fan-types wouldn't know how to find your a$$es with both hands tied behind your backs. And another thing...
[Off-screen producer whispers into his ear]
Producer: [whispering] You forgot to tell them to enjoy the fic.
Oh...OH! [Flustered, turns readers] Heheh.
[stewardess-like smile] Enjoy the fic.
([underneath his breath] Oh, I am so getting flamed for this.)
...................................................................................................................................................
"What do you call a monkey with a sunburn?"
"Ook?"
"Ape-peeling! Get it! BWAHAHAHAAA!"
"Ook."
"Ah, what do you know? You're just a stupid monkey."
Taking one final sip of his Mai Tai, King Kai (hey, they rhyme ) lounged back in his lawn chair, basking in the warm glow of Otherworld...light...stuff (how WAS there any light? They didn't have a sun). Beside him, his companion, the diminutive monkey known as Bubbles, balanced himself on his butt, content in his fascination of his own toes (ah, the simple mind of a monkey).
Yes, things were relatively peaceful in the world of the Kai's. Uncharacteristically peaceful. Not that King Kai wasn't complaining, mind you. Ever since meeting up with Goku, he found that his life had gotten needlessly more...exciting. And by "exciting" I mean "needlessly more life-threatening". (Granted, it was because of Goku that he got this nice, large, lower-gravity planet, courtesy of South Kai...or was it East Kai? They all annoyed him the same. But that was neither here nor there.)
Still, all the same...
"By the way, Bubbles, have you seen Gregory anywhere? He has my latest edition of Excel Saga."
"Ook aak oop oop ee."
"'Manga-version', you say. Well, that explains his absence (though what happened to my book is a whole new question entirely now)."
"Ook."
King Kai rested back again, interlacing his fingers behind his head.
Yep, it sure was quiet.
[Pause]
Reeeeeeal quiet.
[Longer pause]
Quiet, quiet.
[More pause]
With nothing to do.
[A pause of a pause]
[An entire assortment of pauses.]
[A complete collection of Yanni, Falco, and Michael Bolton worth of pauses]
"Aw, screw it. Let's go see what's going on in Grand Kai's world." Irritated by all this lethargy, King Kai bolted up and, dragging him monkey friend by his ear, made his way off planet towards the planet of the Grand Kai.
Besides, there probably wasn't anything interesting happening on Earth anyway...
.................................................................................................................................................
"HOW DARE YOU INSULT ME, YOU GENDER-LESS SPAWN OF SATAN!!!"
The air temperature surrounding the general vicinity rose from a cooling 78- degrees Fahrenheit to a whopping 98.6-degrees, as pillars of steam seared from the dozen-plus bodies on the lawn. The sound of high-powered assault rifles and assorted heavy artillery being loaded and primed resounded like .45 caliber church bells.
In short, the audience was NOT amused.
"I DO NOT HAVE V.D.!!!" It was all Future Trunks AND Goku could do to keep Bulma from re-enacting "Alien Autopsy" right there on the stage (replacing the dead alien corpse with Piccolo's soon-to-be dismembered one). On the other side of the stage, Gohan and Goten were having no-less trouble (but proportionally less success). Chi Chi, screaming like some captured harpy, tore at and through the fruit of her womb and the love of her life like wet toilet paper in an effort to gorge on the eyes of one offending Namek. (That woman REALLY needs to seek anger management counseling. Seriously.)
"Now this is what I call a party," mused Yajirobe as he munched on another handful of kettle corn.
"For the last time, STOP EATING MY POPCORN!" Chibi-Trunks screamed, snatching his bucket of popcorn away from the tubby samurai.
Piccolo, regarding the death threats as a warm operetta, leaned insolently against the back of a cherry blossom tree (sufficiently far enough away from the masses, of course), glancing over at Vegeta just across from him, a how you like THEM apples? expression written all over his demonic, green face.
"Well then," Goku scratched the back of his head, not completely sure what just happened but more than aware enough of his surroundings (and that at least five people were powering up) to know that it wasn't a GOOD thing. "That certainly was..."
"Hilarious!" Oolong squealed, laughing so hard bubbles were coming out of his nose. "The looks on your – snort! – faces was...hehahah...absolutely price hic less! Heheahaaaha – "
KLANG!!!
"Moving on..." Bulma continued, tossing back her iron skillet, which now sported a permanent indentation of Oolong's last painful expression. "Now H.E.R.B.I.E. will assess the information, and give his final judgement." She motioned to the spherical robot to her side. "H.E.R.B.I.E.?"
The tiny robot bowed, and rolled onto the stage with its creator.
"I must say," the robot began in an auspicious British accent, "I'm impressed." Piccolo scoffed arrogantly.
"I didn't know noises like that could be created by a living creature. Kinda like what Regis would sound like if he were mating with a two-ton gorilla."
"WHAT?!!"
"I'm kidding, I'm kidding...Well, actually, I'm not. That was, by far, the most horrendous performance I've ever heard. And I've been programmed with the entire Flock of Seagulls collection. It was like someone viced open the gullet of a yak, shoved a blender down its throat, and set it to "puree". Obviously "talent" is an attribute your species lacks. Seriously, it must take an amazing amount of courage for you to walk around in public after a performance like that, because any other self-respecting person would've committed seppuku by now."
A silent wind whistled through the group of Z-Warriors. An uncomfortable silence, which froze everyone and everything in its place. It was like time had tripped over its own two-feet, and stumbled in the mud.
Nature took a pause, and all of the world was hushed.
[One second]
[Two second]
[Three second]
Entire Group: "BWAHAHAHAHAAAAA!"
Underneath his tree Piccolo shuddered, his entire Namekian body surging with the unholiest of rage. His teeth ground so tight they sounded like metal blades scraping across each other. Given the overwhelming, undeniable, embarrassment, it was amazing that he hadn't atomized the entire party. With fists clenched with hatred and vision blurred by images of metallic evisceration, and the roar of a thousand insulting laughs, the Demon King did the one thing he could do given the circumstances–
"Hmf!"
He pouted.
"Awww, look – the little Namek's blushing!" Vegeta laughed, taunting the now purple-faced Piccolo like some insolent fifth grader. "I think we hurt his feelings. Haw haw – "
KA-BOOM!!!
Suddenly, as if by some bizarre form of spontaneous combustion as yet documented, the tree behind Vegeta exploded into the stratosphere. In the distant horizon one could see the burning hunk of cherry tree arch down beyond the woods and ignite into a pillar of smoke (ala Wile E. Coyote).
Vegeta sobered up very quickly.
"Okay," Bulma swallowed the last bit of her laughter. "Now that we've got THAT out of the way, let's see who's up next." She snatched the edge of a giant sheet of cloth, and, with a masterful woosh!, yanked it back to reveal a giant spinning wheel, complete with the names of everyone present.
"Is it my imagination," Tien started, "or is that a giant spinning wheel with all our names on it?"
She gave a girly giggle. "I had one built for just such an occasion."
Yamucha blinked. "You had a giant wheel-of-names created in the case event we would ever have a random singing contest."
She nodded.
Yamucha made like he was going to ask another question, specifically as to how she was able to keep the massive wheel hidden from them this whole time despite it being in plain sight right now. However, past-experience taught him that sometimes the only thing worse than a question is the answer (calling upon a less-than-pleasant Valentines Day memory from his days as Bulma's beau, in which a careless metaphor involving the word "trout" had him spending five months in intensive care).
Wisely, he silenced himself.
"I'm not even going to ask."
"Wow!" Goku proclaimed behind his plate of ribs. "It's a giant circle!"
The group cast a quick glance at Goku...then continued to pretend like he wasn't there. With a daft flick of the wrist, Bulma sent the wheel spinning. The names and colors associated with those very names blurred together. Whirling, twirling, spinning, tinning...spwinning...bwininin...
Gurlge
[Sound of author vomiting from motion sickness]
Tien: [Thinking] Pleasedon'tletitbemepleasedon'tletitbeme –
Yajirobe: [Thinking] Pleasedon'tletitbemepleasedon'tletitbeme –
Yamucha: [Thinking] PleaseletitbemepleaseletitbemePLEASEletitbeme –
Goku: [Thinking] I wonder if there's still some cake left on my boot. [Checks] THERE IS!!! [Begins sucking on boot]
The wheel slows, passing Goku.
Slooows past Bulma.
Slooooows past Akira Toriyama.
Slooooooooows past Videl.
Slooooooooooooooooooooows past Future Trunks.
Almost stopping...almost...catching on Vegeta's name...still moving....slooooooooooooowing...
And stops on...VEGETA!
Yajirobe: YES!!!
...but a sudden and unexpected gust of wind pushes the wheel one name further, stopping it on...Yajirobe!
Yajirobe: Crap!!!
His name chosen at random (and by some freak act of the wind/the writer's will [evil laugh]), Yajirobe gathers his sword and his dignity (and the last bit of Lay's Potato Chips), and, like a man on death row, proceeds to his final fate...
[AN: Alright people. Pop in those CD's and download those MP3's, because this song's coming courtesy of the Red Hot Chilli Pepper's – "Give it Away".]
.....
[Band starts playing]
[Yajirobe screams]
Verse 1
Well you're freaky freaky frikin' green alien.
Well you're freaky freaky frikin' future champion.
Well you're freaky freaky frikin' Super Saiya-jin.
Tell me why you need me to fight with you again?
"Yajirobe, we need to do some training."
"Yajirobe, aliens are invading."
"Yajirobe, will you stop complaining?"
Makes me wish I'd stayed out of DB in the beginning.
What makes you think that I wanna be a fighter?What makes you think that I like being a fighter?
Fighting guys twice my size who can breath fire?
Screw that noise! I'm not paid to be a martyr!
Chorus
Runnin' away! Runnin' away! Runnin' away now!
Runnin' away! Runnin' away! Runnin' away now!
Runnin' away! Runnin' away! Runnin' away now!
I chill out on Master Korin's towah!
Verse 2
Look at me, on the tower for eternity.
Chillin' out with a cat, gettin' food for free.
Can't fly, can't float, can't shoot energy.
So why would fighting Cell appeal to me?
I'm a low-brow, but I ain't some idiot
fighting guys twice my size who can kick my s#it.
I've stuck around long enough to do my little bit –
Cut off Vegeta's tale, then I knew that it was time to quit.
I'm not Krillin – that stupid little midget!
That Krillin, who likes gettin' his butt kicked.
Bob Krillin, who doesn't know when to quit –
Died more times than Chi Chi's pulled a hissey fit!
Chorus
Runnin' away! Runnin' away! Runnin' away now!
Runnin' away! Runnin' away! Runnin' away now!
Runnin' away! Runnin' away! Runnin' away now!
Ooooooh! Oh yeah!!!
Runnin' away! Runnin' away! Runnin' away now!Runnin' away! Runnin' away! Runnin' away now!
Runnin' away! Runnin' away! Runnin' away now!
I can't fly, so I'll hop a train right outta town!
[band solo]
Verse 3
Don't know why everyone obsesses over me.
It's not like I've got some special ability.
If it were up to me I wouldn't be in this DBZ.
Instead I'm stuck here and Lunch gets away for free.
Long gone before all the fighting breaks out.
Long gone like chicks when Roshi mentions making out.
Gone with the wind, and I'm checking out.
Forget all this fighting, I'm gonna get me take-out.
Realize, I don't wanna be a fighter.
Live long, eat strong, and not meet Yemma.
What more do you need? I already beat Vegeta!
Gonna leave all the dying to Tien and Yamucha!
Chorus
Runnin' away! Runnin' away! Runnin' away now!
Runnin' away! Runnin' away! Runnin' away now!
Runnin' away! Runnin' away! Runnin' away now!
I'm not fighting! Not no way! Nope! And no how!
Verse 4
Well you've gotta gotta weiny named-a Krillin.
Well you've gotta gotta freak-a named Vegeta.
Well you've gotta gotta fighter named-a Goku.
So will you stop asking me to fight your battles for you?
"Yajirobe, will you help us fight the Saiya-jins?"Yajirobe, will you help us fight the Androids?"
"Yajirobe, will you help us fight the Majin Buu?"
Holy crap, do I look like Tyson to you?!!
Get a clue! I don't wanna be a fighter!Gettin' killed isn't my kind of cider!
My OWN blood is enough to make me spew.
You made this mess, so don't ask me to clean it for you!
Chorus
Runnin' away! Runnin' away! Runnin' away now!
Runnin' away! Runnin' away! Runnin' away now!
Runnin' away! Runnin' away! Runnin' away now!
Runnin' away! Runnin' away! Runnin' away now!
Runnin' away now.Runnin' away now.
Runnin' away now.
Runnin' away now.
[Fred: YABBA DABBA DOO!!]
Runnin' away now. Runnin' away now.
[Fred: YABBA DABBA DOO!!]
Runnin' away now. Runnin' away now.
[Fred: YABBA DABBA DOO!!]
Runnin' away now. Runnin' away now.
[Fred: YABBA DABBA DOO!!]
Runnin' away now. Runnin' away now.
[Song finishes]
[Yajirobe faints from exhaustion]
To be continued...
- AN: Akira Toriyama is the artist/writer/creator of Dragonball and Dragonball Z (but denies having ANYTHING to do with DBGT). It should also be noted that he's created other stuff, too. But if you wanna know about 'em, go to his website. (What do I look like, a manga dictionary? Psh! )
P.S. – The above tirade was all a joke. I love fans. I love ALL the fans. You're all fun, fun, lollipops and sugar bears. If I could I'd give you all giant squishy teddy bears I love you all so much. [anime-smile]
[Brief pause]
Please don't kill me. OO