AN: We thank our wonderful beta crew of The Good Doctor Monaco, Mincot, and Seriously Sirius for this next step into lunacy. Also, as a full disclaimer there is on line that is a tip of our hats to Stephen Schwartz and Pippin, see if you can find the line.
The back room of the Three Broomsticks was filled with a motley crew. To a casual observer, the gathering would appear to be nothing more than a "girls' day out" or perhaps a luncheon. In reality, it was something far more serious, something their very sanities hinged upon. Every month, this clandestine group would assemble for group therapy, or at least that was what Muggleborn Lily termed it. For everyone else, it was just plain relief and a place to really let loose.
Nymphadora Tonks took a sip from her goblet and wrinkled her nose; whatever new odd drink she was investigating this week was clearly an acquired taste. She called the group to order, "Okay, the monthly meeting of H.O.W.L. shall now commence. So, ladies, who wants to begin? Has anybody been in some racy new pairing, or is it just the same old, same old?"
"I would," Sybil Trelawney hesitantly raised her hand, "Since I can never actually remember what H.O.W.L. stands for."
"GOD!" cried Ginny, rolling her eyes, "Why are you even here every month? It's not like you have the same problems that we do. Let's face it; the only person you ever get to shag is Lockhart. No one else is stupid enough or desperate enough to romp with you!"
"Be nice to her, Ginny," warned Lily softly. "Every time they messed around, he Obliviated her. She wasn't all that bad until he zapped her with the fifth one...residual effects, you know."
Ginny spat her Butterbeer back in to her glass, and shook her head incredulously, "Lily, are you trying to tell me that there were actually five people psychotic enough to ship Sybil and Lockhart?"
"Gilderoy has a boat?" Sybil spoke to no one in particular as she was engrossed in the tea leaves at the bottom of her cup, "What fun, I'll have to ask him about it the next time I see him."
"You do that, Sybil," replied Lily patronizingly, she then glanced sideways at Ginny, "Actually, there were about two hundred or so."
"Two hundred?" Hermione butted in, "I mean we all get our fair share of weird one-shot-wonders. Harry, for example, isn't quite over the episode with the giant squid, but two hundred?"
"Well it was a drabble challenge over at the HP 100 last week," explained Lily, "And the Obliviate idea took off. It was rather sad actually. One or two of the authors got the hex wrong and made it Obliterate. I've been piecing poor Sybil back together all week, since I am the charms expert. So I think we owe her a little more kindness."
"Play nice, Gin, and tell Sybil what it stands for," coaxed Hermione.
"Fine! Fine!" Ginny snapped at Hermione.
"Tell me what?" asked Sybil, who was now attempting to read Tonks' palm.
Ginny smiled sweetly and spoke to Sybil in a slow and patient tone usually reserved for two-year-olds, "H.O.W.L. stands for Hogwarts Orgasmic Witches' League, not that you'd remember what that was..."
"No need to get bitchy, Ginny, just because you lost our bet this month," said Hermione wryly.
"What bet was that, Ginny?" asked Tonks. "Do tell!"
"You know, the regular one Hermione and I have going," Ginny sighed resignedly, "I only shagged Harry 85 times this month in first time fics. Hermione had 97 first-timers with my brother. So I'm stuck picking up her bar tab tonight."
Hermione rolled her eyes as she dug out a piece of parchment from her pocket, "The problem with the first time fics is that they are so predictable, not to mention improbable. I actually made a list of the best clichés:
We are nervous but have no trouble removing clothing The guys always know exactly where to put their hands They all initiate and patiently satisfy us with a trip to the "Land Down Under", before moving on to their own needs They always warn us that it is going to hurt Our climax brings on theirs We sleep contentedly in each others' arms
Ok, who wants to be the first to help me pull these myths apart?"
"I'll start," said Ginny. "Okay, Harry is The Boy Who Lived, not The Boy Who Gets It On. He has no experience in the romance department. Let me assure all of you he has no clue about how to unhook my bra or where to place his hands for maximum benefit. On a good day, he's on a groping quest for the Golden Snitch. I mean, his whole first kiss with Cho was just a disaster - why would sex be any better?"
"Well I have my own problems, but at least I don't have that first time stuff to deal with," replied Tonks, giggling. "Fanon may not be able to agree on my hair color, but they at least know that I've done it a few times." Tonks burst into a fit of laughter, "I'm sorry, can't help myself....no teenage boy I know patiently pleases his "little woman" while holding off his own needs." Tonks was now howling with laughter, "That happens the day I have a group hug with Aunties Bella and Narcissa."
Hermione snorted Butterbeer out her nose as she continued, "By all means laugh, Tonks, we do. Ron and Harry are not Mr. Patient or Mr. Studious. I mean, who was their tutor? Dean, Seamus, Neville? Actually what I love is this concept that our first time is going to hurt. Not for nothing ladies, but it hasn't hurt once. Not in any of my first-timers. We have all ridden a broomstick-"
Ginny roared, "Yeah, you're usually on my brother's-"
Hermione raised an eyebrow, "I meant that we have all have flying lessons with Madam Hooch. Anyway, I have polled just about everyone I can think of, and no one's been locked up in an ivory tower their whole lives for the first time to be painful...at least not physically. If we want to talk barf worthy pillow talk, that's a whole other kind of painful."
"Define 'barf worthy pillow talk', if you please," demanded Tonks, pinching her nose in order to successfully slug back the remains of whatever was in her goblet.
Hermione did her best Ron impression, "Oh, my love, you're more exciting than the Chudley Cannons' winning the Quidditch World Cup."
"Oh, that is just pathetic," snorted Lily, "And I thought James' Quidditch analogies were bad. Although I am getting mighty tired of him screaming, 'AND POTTER CRASHES THROUGH THE GOALPOST' during his grand finales."
"Pleeeaaase, it just gets worse and worse, " interrupted Ginny. "How about when they pause to allow us to cry briefly, and stay very still for us to adjust? Adjust to what? News flash, they are not that big! And guys holding off...when does that ever happen? Plus, what is up with the double climax thing? There is a greater chance of Sybil here having Severus take her on the Great Hall staff table than that taking place."
Sybil blinked confusedly stressing her remaining brain cells, "Severus is meeting me in the Great Hall and we are going somewhere? Maybe he'll take me to the dungeons. I think I was there once or twice. I almost remember it. There was a lot of black leather and something about calling him My Supreme Lord and-"
"Ok...right...off you go downstairs, Sybil," Lily had lifted Sybil onto her feet and was rapidly pushing her out the door, "Rosmerta told me that she was just dying for you to read her palm. Toodles."
"What'd ya do that for?" Ginny and Hermione complained in unison.
"Oh, tell me you really wanted her to finish that last thought? My liver has undergone enough damage already tonight, thank you very much. I don't need additional S&M images of Severus. I'm dealing with quite enough of those on my own!" replied Lily with a vengeance.
"Right, next topic from Hermione's list," suggested Tonks, looking to avoid a drunken catfight.
"Well, the thing that really bothers me the most is having to always sleep in the puddle," said Hermione, sounding fed-up. "Sure, cuddling Ron is fun and all but...well...let's face it. Sex is messy and I never have my wand close enough after to do a Scourgify spell."
"Plus there is that chest hair issue," added Ginny, "you know how hard it is not to sneeze with all that hair tickling your nose?"
"First times fics are the worst," responded Lily, "I can't count how many times James and I have had sex, and then I get pregnant the very next chapter. It really takes the whole fun out of the experience. Although, since book five came out, my sex life with James has stalled to an all time low."
"Amazing how one glimpse into a pensieve can change your whole life, isn't it?" quipped Ginny.
"I probably shouldn't complain, though. My Severus experiences are now almost totally gone," replied Lily. "I was soooooo tired of pretending to enjoy those. Slytherins may be ambitious, but all that tension seems to leave them with...well...problems..."
"Such as what? The need for a better quality leather goods supplier?" snickered Tonks.
"Let's just say that I think the Death Eaters raise the Dark Mark when they can't get anything else up!" replied Lily, sarcastically.
Ginny chuckled, "Tell me about it. Draco and I get it on plenty, next to Harry of course. That boy has some serious control issues."
"What, Ginny? Spill it!" demanded Hermione.
Ginny put her finger to her lips, "Shhh, don't tell, but, my latest trick to get me through the slimy Slytherin experience, is to shout the words, 'BOUNCE ME LIKE A FERRET, BIG D!' into his ear at just the right point...it ends things rather quickly."
"Up until recently, I've been soothing Draco's tortured, redeemed soul in my bed," interrupted Hermione, "In order to end it quickly, I would zap him with what he believed was a contraception charm. Testiculus Frigidus. He just thought my chambers were breezy."
"Oh my God, Hermione," stated Lily the charms expert, laughing. "That is so mean. How badly does everything shrink up?"
Tonks had tears streaming down her face, "I have this vision of the Malfoy family jewels relocated under Draco's armpits!"
Hermione poured topped off her glass proudly, "Bertie Botts Every Flavour Beans look huge compared to my end results. Hey, I am counting myself lucky. I don't have to zap him as much as I used to. After the webchat, my first time Draco experiences have shrunk, well as far as Draco's 'manhood'. You would think that they would disappear entirely but some of these fangirls are in some serious denial. Honestly, Sybil has a firmer grip on reality than some of these gals do."
Suddenly, the door burst open and Luna Lovegood breathlessly joined the group.
"Sorry I'm late everyone," apologized Luna, as she handed a book to Hermione. "Thank you so much for this book, Hermione; it helped a lot. Neville was finally able to put tab A into slot B...good thing that there were really clear pictures."
"I don't know about anyone else," said Tonks, "but I have this picture right now that..."
"Right there with you, Tonks," replied Lily, as she then turned to Luna. "So, where did the monumental event take place? The train? The Astronomy Tower?"
"Lily, really, that is so pre-book five. Everyone knows that the place to go for a little action these days is the Room of Requirement," stated Tonks as she rolled her eyes. "Even Remus and I get to do it in there occasionally when we are written into professor fics. It's much better than being wedged into some little broom closet where we're inevitably discovered by the students," she added, looking pointedly at Ginny and Hermione.
Ginny and Hermione toasted Tonks knowingly with their glasses.
"Oh, the broom closet!" exclaimed Lily. "If I had to count all the times I did it in there with one of the Marauders...although, Sirius usually had the most inventive way of...Let's just say I miss him more than you'll ever know."
"What are you talking about?" cried Ginny. "Since he's dead now, too, you can let him show you just exactly how friendly of a ghost he is."
"Now, Ginny," said Hermione in her most annoying tones, "You know as well as I do that Sirius is not a ghost. Only those that are not brave enough to choose the unknown choose to be ghosts. And you heard what Nearly- Headless Nick said."
"What about the ghosts?" interrupted Lily, eager to keep anyone's mind off the behind the veil meetings she was having with Sirius. Some things were just way too good to share. "I've never seen a single fic where the ghosts get it on. What's up with that? I've chatted with the Grey Lady, and I can assure you, she is no lady! And I'm sure the Bloody Baron has shagged a few women in his afterlife."
They all stared at her in disbelief.
"Right. Getting back to the broom closets..." started Ginny. "They are not my favourite place to do the deed. What's so romantic about having sex with a wooden stick up your bum?" She paused. "Let me rephrase that... there's nothing romantic about doing it in a tiny, dusty closet full of stinky polishes and filthy rags and brooms. Especially since Filch is usually the one to catch us. I can't count the number of detentions I've received for that one."
"Detentions are great, aren't they?" enthused Hermione. "Some of my very best encounters have occurred in detention. It's one of the best plot devices around to guarantee at least two smutty characters and one very happy reader. Some girls just like to be punished."
They all nodded and giggled at that one, especially the two redheads.
"If my first timers aren't in detention, they are usually in the Quidditch locker rooms," added Ginny. "Why these fan fic writers think it's hot and steamy to have sex on a cold, dirty hard floor in a room that stinks with other people's sweat is beyond me. Plus, those benches are not all that comfortable, you know. And I am sure that Oliver Wood is just as tired as I am of him walking in and interrupting Harry and me!"
Tonks elbowed Ginny knowingly in the ribs, "I don't know about that last one."
"Well, at least you don't get stuck doing it in the library all the time," complained Hermione. "Restricted section, general section, day, night ... I've done it there every which way ... ".
"I'm usually spared the library, thank heavens," said Tonks. "But the Shrieking Shack is no picnic either. The dust is just a killer. Although they usually try to make it a little more palatable for Remus by giving him some chocolate."
Lily looked pointedly at Tonks, "You know we have all done a lot of sharing tonight, but all we've heard from Tonks is that she's done it a lot and done it in the Shack with Remus. So spill, woman, we want the gory details."
"You really want the 'gory details' Lily, you ought to know by now to be very careful what you wish for." Tonks got up and edged closer to the door looking at her watch, "You didn't have the stomach a moment ago for Sybil's full-blown Severus encounter. What makes you think you really want in on the down and dirty that happens between Remus and me?"
"Remus, please, he is a pussy cat. I'll bet he is all romance and chocolates. He is Mr. Monogamy who mates for life with you. You've got it easy, be real!"
"Easy, is that so?" Tonks' voice had a mysterious tone, clearly she had something up her sleeve, "Hermione, what day is today?"
"The fourth of June, why...Oh, that's right. There's a movie adaptation being released today, right?"
Tonks grinned evilly as she pointed at the night sky out the window behind them, "Oh more than that-- why, it's a full moon."
They all turned to look at the moon not knowing why that would be significant. They instantly regretted it when they turned back to face Tonks. What a discovery, Metamorphmagi were not limited to human transformations. The creature that was now Tonks pointed to a note on the table before dashing out the door on all fours.
Luna, the only member of the group to be blissfully unfazed, picked up the not and read it aloud, "I warned you that you didn't want to know. Hate to drink my wolfsbane potion and run, but I have a hot date with Remus in the Forbidden Forrest."
"ROSMERTA!" bellowed Lily down the stairs, "KEEP THE DRINKS COMING! WE'RE GONNA BE HERE ALL NIGHT!"