A/N: OK. I feel I have to insert an explanation here, as one reviewer
completely failed to realise that the A/N at the end of chapter 1 begging
for reviews in capital letters was PART OF THE PARODY!!!!!! OMG. *shakes
head*
Oh, and who worked out why Magneto was reading 'The Hobbit' upside down on the train? (Anyone seen' Spaceballs'??)
*******************************************************
Chapter 3. the Sorting Ceremony. (Virtually every Harry Potter Sue-fic has a Sorting Ceremony, at which point the offending Sue is sorted into Slytherin, either to ensnare her beloved Draco, or to cause Gryffindor- loyalty V true-love-of-Sue tension in Harry. Heck - even my HP fic had one! However, I will spare you the pain of Dumbledore's speech and Sorting hat song.)
Professor Albus Dumbledore bade everyone sit down on the nearest bench regardless of their affiliation, as it would take the entire fic to sort each non-HP character, and no-one could decide if Samwise Gamgee should be in Hufflepuff for loyalty or Gryffindor for bravery.
Martha of course, being Mary-Sue, was ensconced at the top table, seated between Magneto and Gandalf. Gandalf was in the middle of his speech concerning the Prophecy, and Dumbledore was looking extremely put out.
"How come you and Gandalf were informed of this and not I?" Dumbledore hissed.
"Because you're not played by Sir Ian McKellen, and we are." Magneto shot back smugly.
".The Prophecy was written by J.R.R Tolkien, Stan Lee, J.K. Rowling and some guy at the Disney Studios-"
"Wasn't it Walt himself?" interrupted Martha, tugging on Magneto's sleeve.
"No."
"Why not?"
"Because he's dead." Magneto snapped. "My God, you really *are* thick, aren't you?"
".A great danger will threaten mutant, wizard, Hobbit, Elf, Man and er - Pirate - kind-"
"Hey! You missed out Dwarf-kind!" Legolas yelled from what used to be the Ravenclaw table. Everyone looked around the room. Dwarves? There were no Dwarves in Middle Earth. All eyes swivelled back to Gandalf.
"But never fear - MARY-SUE is here!" Gandalf grabbed Martha's left arm and hauled her up.
Draco Malfoy put his right and left index fingers into his mouth and a great 'WHIT WHOOOOO!" sound erupted in the Great Hall.
"COR - LOOK AT THE LEGS ON THAT!" Pippin hollered.
"I could eat her for second breakfast," Merry agreed.
"Mary-Sue! Shake your cute little ass!" That was Pyro.
"GET YOUR BITS OUT FOR THE LADS!" Bobby Drake, the Iceman, yelled.
Magneto pulled Martha's other arm and yanked her back down. She promptly hid under his cloak. But by that time, the bawdy chant of "STRIP, STRIP, STRIP!" was echoing throughout the dining hall. It took the combined forces of Gandalf and Dumbledore to restore order.
Dumbledore reached behind Gandalf and poked and prodded in the folds of Magneto's cloak before dragging Martha out by her hair.
"And let the Sorting begin!...Where's the Hat?"
Gandalf coughed.
"So it was YOU!"
"Well I needed it to cover my bald patch."
Magneto banged his fist on the table. "IAN MCKELLEN IS NOT GOING BALD!"
Dumbledore snatched the Sorting Hat off Gandalf's head and shoved it on Martha's. It went right over her head.
"AAAAARRRR!!!" went Cap'n Jack suddenly, for no apparent reason.
The Sorting Hat hummed and hoomed for a while before exclaiming "PHEE-EW! This girl's got a *dirty* mind!.... Ugh - that's DISGUSTING!... Gandalf, I never knew your brother was such a kinky old -"
Dumbledore seized the Hat by its middle and squeezed hard. "Get on with it." he said through gritted teeth.
"uh - SLYTHERIN!"
Everybody cheered, apart from Harry Potter, who had to be escorted to the boys' toilets in tears.
"I wouldn't let that Magneto get his hands on my carrots!" Merry was saying.
iCarrots?i
At the mention of food, the Hobbits and the Weasley twins could no longer contain their impatience and began banging their knives and forks repeatedly on the table. Magneto soon relieved them of their cutlery, but the Hobbits switched to using their feet.
**********************************************
A/N: Gimli - testament to the sheer number of LOTR authors who conveniently omit this less-desirable-to-the-Sue character from their fics.
Oh, and if you don't review, I'll make you walk the plank.
*note to thickies in the readership* That last line was still part of the parody.
Oh, and who worked out why Magneto was reading 'The Hobbit' upside down on the train? (Anyone seen' Spaceballs'??)
*******************************************************
Chapter 3. the Sorting Ceremony. (Virtually every Harry Potter Sue-fic has a Sorting Ceremony, at which point the offending Sue is sorted into Slytherin, either to ensnare her beloved Draco, or to cause Gryffindor- loyalty V true-love-of-Sue tension in Harry. Heck - even my HP fic had one! However, I will spare you the pain of Dumbledore's speech and Sorting hat song.)
Professor Albus Dumbledore bade everyone sit down on the nearest bench regardless of their affiliation, as it would take the entire fic to sort each non-HP character, and no-one could decide if Samwise Gamgee should be in Hufflepuff for loyalty or Gryffindor for bravery.
Martha of course, being Mary-Sue, was ensconced at the top table, seated between Magneto and Gandalf. Gandalf was in the middle of his speech concerning the Prophecy, and Dumbledore was looking extremely put out.
"How come you and Gandalf were informed of this and not I?" Dumbledore hissed.
"Because you're not played by Sir Ian McKellen, and we are." Magneto shot back smugly.
".The Prophecy was written by J.R.R Tolkien, Stan Lee, J.K. Rowling and some guy at the Disney Studios-"
"Wasn't it Walt himself?" interrupted Martha, tugging on Magneto's sleeve.
"No."
"Why not?"
"Because he's dead." Magneto snapped. "My God, you really *are* thick, aren't you?"
".A great danger will threaten mutant, wizard, Hobbit, Elf, Man and er - Pirate - kind-"
"Hey! You missed out Dwarf-kind!" Legolas yelled from what used to be the Ravenclaw table. Everyone looked around the room. Dwarves? There were no Dwarves in Middle Earth. All eyes swivelled back to Gandalf.
"But never fear - MARY-SUE is here!" Gandalf grabbed Martha's left arm and hauled her up.
Draco Malfoy put his right and left index fingers into his mouth and a great 'WHIT WHOOOOO!" sound erupted in the Great Hall.
"COR - LOOK AT THE LEGS ON THAT!" Pippin hollered.
"I could eat her for second breakfast," Merry agreed.
"Mary-Sue! Shake your cute little ass!" That was Pyro.
"GET YOUR BITS OUT FOR THE LADS!" Bobby Drake, the Iceman, yelled.
Magneto pulled Martha's other arm and yanked her back down. She promptly hid under his cloak. But by that time, the bawdy chant of "STRIP, STRIP, STRIP!" was echoing throughout the dining hall. It took the combined forces of Gandalf and Dumbledore to restore order.
Dumbledore reached behind Gandalf and poked and prodded in the folds of Magneto's cloak before dragging Martha out by her hair.
"And let the Sorting begin!...Where's the Hat?"
Gandalf coughed.
"So it was YOU!"
"Well I needed it to cover my bald patch."
Magneto banged his fist on the table. "IAN MCKELLEN IS NOT GOING BALD!"
Dumbledore snatched the Sorting Hat off Gandalf's head and shoved it on Martha's. It went right over her head.
"AAAAARRRR!!!" went Cap'n Jack suddenly, for no apparent reason.
The Sorting Hat hummed and hoomed for a while before exclaiming "PHEE-EW! This girl's got a *dirty* mind!.... Ugh - that's DISGUSTING!... Gandalf, I never knew your brother was such a kinky old -"
Dumbledore seized the Hat by its middle and squeezed hard. "Get on with it." he said through gritted teeth.
"uh - SLYTHERIN!"
Everybody cheered, apart from Harry Potter, who had to be escorted to the boys' toilets in tears.
"I wouldn't let that Magneto get his hands on my carrots!" Merry was saying.
iCarrots?i
At the mention of food, the Hobbits and the Weasley twins could no longer contain their impatience and began banging their knives and forks repeatedly on the table. Magneto soon relieved them of their cutlery, but the Hobbits switched to using their feet.
**********************************************
A/N: Gimli - testament to the sheer number of LOTR authors who conveniently omit this less-desirable-to-the-Sue character from their fics.
Oh, and if you don't review, I'll make you walk the plank.
*note to thickies in the readership* That last line was still part of the parody.