A/N: The Last Evenstar and JenniGellerBing - Glad you liked it! Glad you didn't like violent ROTK Gandalf!
La Pamplemousse - YES! YES YES YES YES!!!! OH! OOOOH! OH YES! OHHH! OH YES! No I haven't. But I soon will thanks to you!
Witch of Darkness - you know, telling an Author that you are in awe of her greatness may give her a big head...;) I will be incorporating your idea in one of the next two chapters.
This chapter is largely my exasperated rebellion against the legions of X-Men fans who berate me for not writing Magneto like his comic counterpart. DUH - it says 'X-Men the Movie' on the forum I post my fanfiction in! Besides, when I write, Magneto is mine. All mine...
Uh, this chapter is a bit random. The second half is better. I hope you like it.
*****************************************
Chapter 7 - Magneto's Purple Underpants.
Whereas evil Pirates avoided moonlight, and the Slytherin elite ran from Pink Fluffy Bunnies, what Eric Lehnsherr, Master of Magnetism, feared above all else was Purple Underpants.
Purple Underpants haunted Magneto's dreams. They would grow little legs and prance around him in circles chanting fell songs in their wicked voices. He would wake up screaming, but then his Martha would come running, concern etched on her plain face, and she'd inevitably trip up over something and make him laugh. Martha was here now, with a sizeable bump on her forehead after having tripped up over Barbossa's monkey on the way in. Magneto was curled up in the foetal position - but this was more due to Martha having accidentally kneed him in the groin as she clambered over him. She was now on bent over him tenderly stroking his hair.
"Don't worry darling, they'll never get an eminent and respected actor such as Ian McKellen to wear purple spandex on camera."
"But what if they force him?" he babbled. "Or they re-cast? I've been hearing dreadful rumours on the internet that he may not wish to come back!"
A frown briefly crossed Martha's face. "You know Magneto, you really ought to start pulling yourself together, or else it'll have to be me who'll be spanking your bottom." She kissed him on the forehead and left.
*
As Martha wandered along the deck looking for amusement, she noticed an unusual object floating past. A closer look revealed it to be a teddy bear's head. She gaped as it was followed by a severed limb and bits of stuffing bobbing on top of the water like scum. She followed the trail of mutilated bear parts until she came to the source. Which appeared to be Draco Malfoy and Legolas the Elf, the latter fitting an arrow to his bow and the former loading the ship's canon with what looked liked stuffed toys. Draco seized one of the teddy bears from the pile and forced it head first into the gun.
He lit the fuse.
Poomp!
Pffft!
Legolas loosed his bow and an arrow whizzed through the air and struck the bear in the middle of its chest.
"Target practice... There was a red dawn this morning: Orc-fish are about."
Martha screwed up her face. "What?"
Draco unthinkingly smoothed back his gel-caked blond hair. "These aren't mine. They are Potter's."
Legolas picked up the nearest bear and read the note attatched. "'To my darling cute adorable Draco, Be my Valentine - Hermione'... " He stuck his fingers down his throat and made vomiting sounds.
"'To Daddy's little soldier - '"
Draco, red in the face, snatched the toy from the Elf and crammed it into the canon. He stamped his foot. "It's those fanfic writers! They bombard me with stuffed bears, pink ones, with hearts on, they say they're from the Weasley girl, from my mother - I even got one from POTTER!"
Suddenly, his face changed. He picked up a bear. "Mary-Sue," he lisped, "Would you like me to give you a teddy bear?"
"No! It's my teddy bear, and I want to give it to Mary-Sue!" Legolas whined, attempting to wrestle the toy from his rival. They fell backwards onto the pile of stuffed toys, Draco pulling Legolas' hair and Legolas kicking and slapping Draco.
Martha groaned. Not again...
*
Martha was bored. Bored, bored, bored. She'd left Legolas and Draco at the point where the Elf was trying to force a stuffed yellow duck down Draco's throat. She'd then tried to chat to Wolverine over by the stern, but he was too busy being sick to answer. Fred and George were in detention still serving back to back sentences saved up from last week. Cyclops and Aragorn were engrossed in a game of Risk and Frodo Baggins only seemed interested in communing with his Ring.
It was then Martha noticed the Lord Denethor, sitting on his own looking mournfully out to sea, fingering the cloven Horn of Gondor which he held between his hands. Martha's breath caught in her throat and her heart filled with pity. She stood mesmerised by his large hands caressing the Horn. Denethor felt her gaze upon him and as he turned to look at her their eyes met and something passed between them...
*
Martha could not sleep. The sea was rough that night; Wolverine would be vomiting bad. As the boat lurched from side to side, Martha's thoughts raced. The rumour of an X-Men 3 being filmed in the absence of Sir Ian McKellen had affected her more than she dared admit, and she was tortured by the most disturbing thoughts of the regal yet tragic Lord Denethor...
The night grew deeper. Martha heard Captains Jack and Barbossa arguing in the next room about the latter's perfidious monkey. Snatches of the conversation seeped through the walls.
"Arrg!"... "Avast!"... "Rrraaarrg!"... "Apples!"... "Monkey!"... "Ag!"... "YEAAAARRRG!" -
"No! Underpants!"
That was Magneto.
Martha shot out of bed and streaked down the corridor, squeaking in her desperation to reach him in as little time as possible. Next thing she knew, she was lying face down across the threshold of Magneto's cabin.
She had tripped over Barbossa's. Bloody. Monkey. Again.
*
It had all been going fine until Barbossa's evil pet had attempted to suffocate him with a pair of purple pants. By the time Magneto had managed to free himself and use the elasticated knickers to catapult the creature through his window, Martha had disappeared. He was eventually beginning to drift off to sleep, when he heard, coming from the direction of Denethor's quarters, a loud bellow, followed by a high pitched giggle, and the unmistakeable sound of a Palantir hitting the floor.
Magneto was so furious that his heightened magnetism caused the air around him to crackle. He left his bed and prowled the deck searching for Wolverine. He planned to relieve some of his aggression by manipulating the adamantium on his skeleton and forcing him into unnatural contortions. As he paced the ship he was vaguely aware that Cap'n Jack had made use of Draco Malfoy's teddy bears by tying them to the hull to serve as ballasts. A giant Winnie the Pooh provided the figurehead at the prow. Magneto stopped there and contemplated the fat bear, debating with himself over whether Pooh was bigger or smaller than a Hobbit.
Dawn was just breaking when he apprehended Martha sneaking back to her cabin. She was covered in bits of food. There was meat juice all down her shirt and tomato seeds in her hair.
Magneto extracted a grape stalk from behind her ear. "Where have you been?" he asked softly.
Martha floundered. "I - er - was having a midnight feast with the Hobbits-"
"Those same halflings that have been flat out in the galley since eight o clock yesterday evening sleeping off a gluttonous Supper of rabbit stew?" he enquired.
Martha fled into her cabin under his vengeful glare.
*
After his fierce inner rage had subsided a little, Magneto had a sudden flash of inspiration. He stole down to the galley and glided over to where the Hobbits still lay snoring. He located Samwise Gamgee's backpack and reached inside...
********************************
A/N: Hmmm... I wonder what seemingly useless artefact of Sam's could be of so much interest to Magneto? And what do you think he plans to do with it?
Purple Underpants - The comic / cartoon Magneto can be identified by the purple underpants worn over red tights. You know - some die-hard comic fans have criticised Singer for not keeping the original costumes! *Meep*
Rumours -Indeed, if you check on IMDb a certain actor is missing from the 'confirmed' cast list of X3. *Gollum voice* Not listening!
Teddy bears - If I had a pound for every soft toy either Draco or Lucius Malfoy received in an HP fanfic I'd be typing this on a computer in the Bahamas!
Poomp - on the 'Mario Kart' game Poomp is the word which appears on the screen to denote the sound made by a kart when it makes a landing. It has a certain ring to it.
Palantir - Those who have read the books will be aware that Denethor also owns one of the seeing stones as was seen in Saruman's tower.
Food - although not in the book, this revolting yet fascinating scene sticks in the mind of ROTK filmgoers across the globe.
Gambit and Gandalf feature next.
Oops nearly forgot! This chapter's reward for reviewing includes a candle-lit dinner with Cap'n Jack. A crate of rum will be thrown in for anyone who guesses the correct artefact to be 'borrowed' from Sam's backpack.