It's Funny...
I am tired of not knowing who I am. It is a strange feeling, unmatched by any other when your own soul has been consumed into the darkness of your mind. But maybe I didn't do all of this to myself. Does it always have to be your own fault when you've lost yourself? No, I did not loose myself...I was robbed. Why would I do this to myself anyway? What self-respecting human would willingly give up happiness? No...this is not my fault.
I can see Mokuba outside my window...he's sitting out on the deck, protecting himself from the rain with an umbrella, waiting for the storm to pass. At least I can take comfort in knowing that he has all...well...most of himself even through all we've endured. Some would call what I did for him a sacrifice but sacrifice, by definition, involves suffering. I did what I did gladly for him and seeing him alive and well, not just psychically but emotionally too, everyday is enough to compensate for what I lost. He can do what I cannot. He can still love.
I tried to win you know. I really did try. But trying doesn't mean anything when you loose. "Looser...you worthless piece of shit, get it right you idiot." Even now, Gozaburo's words echo through my mind. I thought I had beaten him but today Yugi proved me wrong. Yugi proved that Gozaburo had been right all along.
I was trained to never, ever, loose by any means. You can kill, lie, cheat, manipulate, anything...so long as you don't loose. Somehow I managed to do it anyway. Oh yea, that's right, laugh it up! The big shot, the genius, the mastermind, the champion finally fell on his ass like a real human does. In someway, loosing still doesn't make me feel anymore normal or average then before. It makes me feel worse then I was before, I understand less, I have no control over myself...is loosing this hard for everyone?
Something tugged at my spirit, giving me an odd urge to go into the kitchen and slash myself up with my fine collection of cutlery. I looked out the window at Mokuba again...No, no. I couldn't do that to him...to myself. Yea, it'd be nice and pretty entertaining to sit there and idly watch myself bleed. The blood passing out from my veins as my life passes me by and moves on without me. But Gozaburo would be happy. He would laugh. And he would win again. But I won't loose twice, I refuse to.
Failure has never been an option and I will not open that door now...not when I've come so far. Another part of me got stolen today and I intend on getting it back. I may not be able to retrieve what I've already lost, but I deserve to keep what little soul I have left. It would take being me in order to completely understand me, what I've been through, what I know, the constant onslaught of self delivered insults. I find it hilarious sometimes that people like Yugi can't just leave me the hell alone. If I wanted anyone to know about me, I'd have told someone by now.
But of course, if you're cold, you need help. You need love. You need people. No, you idiot, you're completely wrong! Typically if you don't like people, it generally means that you don't like people. It doesn't mean I need about five people hanging off of me, demanding me to talk about my problems, weighing me down, forcing me to remember my worthlessness and failures by talking about them. I refuse to believe it helps. Maybe for others, but not for me. I avoid people because the less contact I have with them, the less it reminds me of the past. A past that I do not need to dig up again.
Then again, who am I to say what I need and don't need? After all, I'm only weak little Seto Kaiba – the world champion of duel monsters, a world renowned CEO to the general public. A Failure and an idiot to my stepfather. Most likely a disappointment to my real parents. A mentor and a protector to my little brother. A person who needs help to Yugi. But who am I in my own eyes? I can't know who I am until I win again. And I can't win until I know. Funny, isn't it?
I am tired of not knowing who I am. It is a strange feeling, unmatched by any other when your own soul has been consumed into the darkness of your mind. But maybe I didn't do all of this to myself. Does it always have to be your own fault when you've lost yourself? No, I did not loose myself...I was robbed. Why would I do this to myself anyway? What self-respecting human would willingly give up happiness? No...this is not my fault.
I can see Mokuba outside my window...he's sitting out on the deck, protecting himself from the rain with an umbrella, waiting for the storm to pass. At least I can take comfort in knowing that he has all...well...most of himself even through all we've endured. Some would call what I did for him a sacrifice but sacrifice, by definition, involves suffering. I did what I did gladly for him and seeing him alive and well, not just psychically but emotionally too, everyday is enough to compensate for what I lost. He can do what I cannot. He can still love.
I tried to win you know. I really did try. But trying doesn't mean anything when you loose. "Looser...you worthless piece of shit, get it right you idiot." Even now, Gozaburo's words echo through my mind. I thought I had beaten him but today Yugi proved me wrong. Yugi proved that Gozaburo had been right all along.
I was trained to never, ever, loose by any means. You can kill, lie, cheat, manipulate, anything...so long as you don't loose. Somehow I managed to do it anyway. Oh yea, that's right, laugh it up! The big shot, the genius, the mastermind, the champion finally fell on his ass like a real human does. In someway, loosing still doesn't make me feel anymore normal or average then before. It makes me feel worse then I was before, I understand less, I have no control over myself...is loosing this hard for everyone?
Something tugged at my spirit, giving me an odd urge to go into the kitchen and slash myself up with my fine collection of cutlery. I looked out the window at Mokuba again...No, no. I couldn't do that to him...to myself. Yea, it'd be nice and pretty entertaining to sit there and idly watch myself bleed. The blood passing out from my veins as my life passes me by and moves on without me. But Gozaburo would be happy. He would laugh. And he would win again. But I won't loose twice, I refuse to.
Failure has never been an option and I will not open that door now...not when I've come so far. Another part of me got stolen today and I intend on getting it back. I may not be able to retrieve what I've already lost, but I deserve to keep what little soul I have left. It would take being me in order to completely understand me, what I've been through, what I know, the constant onslaught of self delivered insults. I find it hilarious sometimes that people like Yugi can't just leave me the hell alone. If I wanted anyone to know about me, I'd have told someone by now.
But of course, if you're cold, you need help. You need love. You need people. No, you idiot, you're completely wrong! Typically if you don't like people, it generally means that you don't like people. It doesn't mean I need about five people hanging off of me, demanding me to talk about my problems, weighing me down, forcing me to remember my worthlessness and failures by talking about them. I refuse to believe it helps. Maybe for others, but not for me. I avoid people because the less contact I have with them, the less it reminds me of the past. A past that I do not need to dig up again.
Then again, who am I to say what I need and don't need? After all, I'm only weak little Seto Kaiba – the world champion of duel monsters, a world renowned CEO to the general public. A Failure and an idiot to my stepfather. Most likely a disappointment to my real parents. A mentor and a protector to my little brother. A person who needs help to Yugi. But who am I in my own eyes? I can't know who I am until I win again. And I can't win until I know. Funny, isn't it?