A/N: OK, I'm back, after having finally got round to seeing Troy and Harry Potter 3 at the cinema.
Glad to see JenniGellerBing and The Second Geek are still with me! And welcome SweetKrok to the story, hope you are here to stay:)
Chapter 10: Partying in Rivendell
Magneto had succeeded in scaring Cap'n Jack and his crew into swapping the highs seas for land with tales of vampires, werewolves and the nakedness of Brad Pitt. The Black Pearl dropped anchor on the outskirts of Rivendell as the sun was setting. Wolverine was glad to be on dry land, and Martha was planning to persuade Magneto to tie her blindfolded to one of the Ents outside at bedtime.
Lord Elrond, as the benevolent host, had supplied the characters with plenty of Elven Wine, and everyone was relaxing in front of the television, when there was an almighty pounding on the door. As Elrond was nowhere to be found, Gandalf ventured to open it in his absence. Crowded on the doorstep was Achilles (his privates thankfully covered) and the entire Greek army, bearing six-packs of beer and boxes of pizza. Ignoring Gandalf's protests, they all piled into the living room, Achilles commandeering the remote control and jacking up the volume. He grabbed Harry Potter by his collar and turfed him unceremoniously out of an armchair and sat in his place, putting his muddy feet up on Elrond's coffee table. The Greeks followed suit, dumping people out of their seats and swiping bottles of wine onto the floor and replacing them with cans of beer and half-eaten slices of pizza.
"What are you doing?!" exclaimed Gandalf.
"Watchin' the Game, havin'a Bud," replied Achilles, cracking open a can of Budweiser.
Hearing Gandalf's "Ooohhh...!" of horror, Martha explained:
"Soccer. European Championship final. Greece versus Portugal."
Achilles was already thumping the arm of his chair and bellowing.
In all this commotion, nobody noticed Count Dracula sneaking in on the tail end of the Greek football fans. Shoving aside one of the Hobbits Dracula squeezed himself onto a sofa, and grabbing Martha as she stumbled past, manoeuvred her onto the floor in front of him. He pulled her back between his legs and began slowly caressing her neck. Dracula noticed Magneto shooting him murderous looks, and he merely smirked lavisciously in reply.
Frustrated at a still goalless match, the Greeks grew even more raucous during the second half, and their beer-fuelled chanting rendered conversation impossible. With still no sign of Elrond (or Professor McGonagall for that matter), people began to feel uncomfortable and shuffle out of the room. Magneto had decided it was time to leave. He marched across the room - using his magnetism to shield himself from beer cans hurled by the Greeks as he walked in front of the TV - and hauled Martha up by her wrist. She followed him compliantly. Just before rounding the corner she turned and winked at Dracula, raising an unopened bottle of Elven Wine she had hidden behind her back.
You see, naive and ignorant as Martha is, she was blissfully unaware of the dangers associated with vampires, and forgetting her idea about the Ents, she had agreed to meet the charming aristocrat.
Just as soon as Magneto had passed out in a drunken stupor...
Magneto awoke with a blinding headache, and the thunderous booming and Hooming that was echoing all around him did nothing to help. He was dismayed to find himself tied to what felt like a tree, with the huge yellow eyes of an Ent looking down at him.
The Ent blinked. "It appears... you have been somewhat... Hoom... duped..." It said.
Magneto struggled to free himself, cursing Elven Rope, Elven Wine, anything else made by Elves, Ents, and above all vampires.
Magneto arrived outside Martha's room just in time to see Dracula stepping out. His jaw dropped in horror as the vampire's face expanded into an unnaturally broad smirk. Just as Dracula passed him, he bared his fangs and licked them slowly, as a cat would preen its whiskers after having enjoyed a particularly succulent piece of meat.
With a speed born of fury, Magneto roamed the halls of Rivendell searching for his brother. He found him in the TV room with Elrond and McGonagall, the latter wearing a tartan dressing gown and matching hairnet. The room looked like an explosion in a pizza factory. Elrond was stood in a sea of beer cans, bellowing and gesticulating in a most un-Elvish way.
"Unfortunately you can't hunt Achilles down and fill him full of arrows, Lord Elrond," Gandalf was saying, "because he has gone with his army to Portugal to gloat over Greece's 1-0 victory. Apparently they plan to enter the Portugese capital concealed in a gigantic football mascot-"
"Brother, a word. Now." Magneto dragged the wizard outside, failing to notice that he'd trodden in a slice of pepperoni pizza on the way.
Far from being sympathetic, Gandalf lectured him on the intoxicating effects of Elvish Wine, whilst muffling his laughter in his beard.
"You know Gandalf, that Ent over there bears a striking resemblance to you." Magneto said irritably.
"In that case Brother, it would bear your likeness too." Gandalf snapped.
"I will drive a stake through that vampire's heart. I will screw a metal spike through it and launch it at his body with all my power-"
"Have you not watched Van Helsing?" Gandalf enquired.
Silence.
"Don't tell me you never even bother to research the films your enemies have starred in?
I suggest you spend an evening down at the local cinema, Magneto. You might learn a few things..."
The Hobbits and the Gryffindors were planning a trip to the local nightclub.
"I've heard it's great – they have Avril Lavigne playing on continuous loop!" Draco Malfoy was enthusing.
"But what if they can tell we're underage?" worried Harry Potter.
"Don't worry," laughed Fred Weasley. "This is fanfiction. Of course we'll get in, as long as we invite Mary Sue. Besides, the place is owned by Dracula's brother, the Duke."
The last sentence was drowned out as the boys broke into an argument over who got to ask Mary Sue to the nightclub on a date. Their departure was delayed therefore, as a mini version of the Triwizard Tournament was played out to decide who got to pop the question. It was Harry Potter who won of course, because true to the books, he was the best at everything. (Except for Mary Sue, who wasn't playing.)
Harry knocked tentatively at Martha's door, and squeaked as she flung it open.
"M – m – Mary S-Sue, would you erm, like to, erm, err squeak-"
Martha sighed impatiently and shifted her weight on to her other foot.
"er... go to the erm, Yule Ball – I mean – the erm-"
Martha yawned.
"the er squeak nightclub – with er-"
"Yeah whatever. Magneto's bogged off to the cinema and won't let me come, so yeah, whatever."
Squeak
"There a mouse in here? ...Whatever."
Martha grabbed her bag and flounced out of the door, knocking Harry over.
They all piled into the twins' car – a beat up old Ford Anglia, of course – and drove down to the Moulin Rouge. Martha breezed past the bouncers with the Weasleys and Draco in tow. Harry had chickened out at the last minute and brought his Invisibility Cloak.
"Hey, where's Merry and Pippin? And Frodo and Sam?" Harry asked.
"They didn't get in." snickered George. "Unsuitable footwear..."
"How come Draco's out with us guys, anyway?" Ron piped up suddenly. "Since when did we become friends?"
Harry squirmed. "Uh, actually we're gay lovers. Or at least we would be, if we both weren't in love with Mary Sue..." He pondered for a while. "But Draco's knocking off your sister on the side, so Mary Sue ends up with me."
"Er, actually no, Potter. I still get the highest percentage of OC Het-ships."
"Bloody Slytherins get away with murder..." Ron muttered.
"It's that time of night again folks – kaaaaaraoke! And first up (and second and third and fourth and fifth up) is... MAAAAARY SOOOOOO!!"
Ronald Wealsey was in transportations of ecstasy. Tears were rolling down his face and he was jumping up and down to the rhythm of Martha Page caterwauling to I Will Survive.
"She has the voice of an angel," he sobbed. "A nightingale, a lark, a dove..."
"I will surviiiiive! cough Ooooh as long as I know how to uh – love – I know I'll stay aliiiiiieeeeeve!"
Magneto staggered out of the cinema mopping sweat from his brow. The only option for killing Dracula was a no-go: he refused to ask Wolverine or his idiot brother for help. Moreover, he had just discovered something even more horrifying...
He spotted Albus Dumbledore over by the popcorn machine and hurried over to him. The wizard was going to watch himself in Prisoner of Azkaban for the tenth time, but Magneto wasn't interested in his blitherings about how the new actor playing him was even better looking than the original and abruptly cut him off.
"If Marth – I mean – Mary Sue – is at Hogwarts in the same class as Harry Potter, that would make her approximately thirteen years of age according to Prisoner, would it not?"
"Er yes, in the Potter universe, that theory would stand, yes..."
Magneto drew himself up imperiously. "Dumbledore, arrange for Mary Sue a trip to the...Dentist..."
A/N: Denitst??? What do you think that's all about then, eh?
"watching the game, having a Bud..." – Hands up who remembers the 'WASSAAAAP!!' Budweiser adverts – anyone? Or were they just aired in the UK...?
Soccer / football - Greece played Portugal in the European Championship finals and won 1-0. If Greece had lost it would have stood up better in this chapter, but hey, I have no control over football.
The Duke – Character played by Richard Roxburgh (Dracula in Van Helsing) who owned the Moulin Rouge nightclub.
Wolverine & idiot brother – according to Van Helsing, Dracula can only be killed by a werewolf. Hugh Jackman's character in VH became a werewolf and did just that.
Reviewers get to hide Brad Pitt's clothes and watch him run round naked. (Or you could just watch Troy...)