Chapter 2

Sara dropped her keys and bag on the counter separating the kitchen from the living area in her tiny apartment, amazed at the events of the past twenty-four hours. Never in her wildest dreams could she have conjured up such a chain of events: a rape victim brutalized not just once, but twice by the same attacker and then eventually murdered by him as well; the perpetrator having two sets of DNA; being taken in and almost booked for DUI; Gil Grissom, of all people, having to pick her up and take her home as if she were some unruly schoolchild sent to the principal's office; Grissom's actually taking her hand in his, showing tenderness and compassion the likes of which she had never seen from him; and to top it all off – Grissom was now actually standing in her apartment. Sara shook her head at the absurdity of it all and headed towards the coffee maker.

"Can I help you with that?" Grissom asked.

"No thanks. Why don't you have a seat on the couch?"

Grissom nodded his assent as he hesitantly entered Sara's living room. Before sitting down, however, he wandered around the living area, curious. Immediately he was struck by how austere her accommodations were. It was obvious to any casual observer, much less a trained investigator like Grissom that the occupant of this apartment spent very little time here. Only the basic necessities were present; television, couch, a computer perched on a desk overflowing with periodicals and texts left open to a topic of particular interest. Looking up from the desk Grissom noted that there were no pictures gracing the walls, decorative or otherwise. He wasn't surprised. Sara's style of clothing and makeup alone demonstrated her disdain for anything superfluous or pretentious, but unlike many women, it worked for her. She needed no additional adornment to enhance her natural beauty, Grissom mused. He was surprised, however, that there were no photographs of friends or family present anywhere. He knew she didn't speak of anyone, but she was a private person like he was, he wouldn't expect her to. Still, he somehow imagined some photographic evidence of the existence of a family.

Grissom continued his perusal of Sara's apartment, now directing his attention towards two tall bookcases hugging the wall beside the desk. There were a lot of books, mostly forensics and physics texts, but with a scattering of other titles intermingled. He noted with an amused grin that she obviously enjoyed romance novels, as several provocative titles like Jazzy Lust and Casa Caliente peaked out between the more mundane The Quantum World and New Directions in Statistical Physics. As Grissom continued to skim the titles, noting the occasional Patricia Cornwell crime novel on Sara's shelves, his eyes came to rest quite abruptly on a yellow hardback, American Sign Language the Easy Way. The book seemed oddly out of place and his mind began to click away at the possibilities as he raised a brow and pursed his lips in puzzlement.

"See anything you want to borrow?"

Startled, Grissom turned to find Sara directly behind him, two steaming mugs of coffee in hand.

"Uh… no… I just… was admiring… your eclectic tastes in reading material." He smirked and shook his head in disbelief as he continued, "I can't believe you like to read Patricia Cornwell after a long day in our line of work."

"Well, the protagonist, Kay Scarpetta, is a strong, brilliant forensic pathologist who just happens to also be a woman. What's not to like?" Sara responded matter-of-factly and proffered a mug towards Grissom. "Do you want to sit?"

Grissom nodded, taking the mug from Sara's hand as they both made their way towards her rather small couch. Silently they sipped their respective coffees; or rather, Grissom did. Sara absently held the mug in her hands as she stared at the dark fuchsia-colored walls before her, her mind in turmoil. She was aware of Grissom watching her, the intensity of his gaze feeling as if it was boring deep into her very soul. The silence was becoming unbearable. For many reasons Sara didn't want to press Grissom; she could only imagine how she had disappointed him and what he was going to say or do about it. However, another part of her didn't really care anymore. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't be whatever it was he wanted – as a CSI or as a woman. Hell, just get it over with Sidle, she thought to herself.

"So, when do I get the lecture?" Sara finally asked to break the silence.

"Sara – "

"No, really. I know it's coming. I screwed up… royally. God, I can't believe how stupid I was! I really didn't feel impaired… I could have hurt so many people… I've probably lost my job, right? And to top it all off, I've given you another perfect example of why I didn't deserve the promotion." Everything Sara had been thinking all evening came tumbling from her lips at a furious, staccato-like pace. Angrily, she deposited her mug on the coffee table and leaned back against the cushions, winding her arms tightly around herself.

"Sounds like you've got it covered… except for your job and the promotion. You obviously don't need me to lecture you." Grissom replied gently, placing his own mug on the table and turning to look at Sara's face. As much as every fiber of his being really did want to scream at Sara, to shake her senseless for putting her life, not to mention other people's lives as well as her career in jeopardy, he didn't see how berating Sara would be of any help to her right now. Something was seriously wrong for Sara – Sara of all people – to take such a mindless risk. For once he realized that what she really needed right now was his support. What he needed right now were some answers.

"Wh-What?" Surprise was clearly evident in Sara's voice.

"I said it's obvious you don't need me to lecture you. No one is more critical of Sara Sidle than Sara Sidle herself."

Sara furrowed her brows. "What do you mean by that?"

"Exactly what I said Sara. You are your own worst critic. You screwed up. An error in judgment almost lost you your career, not to mention your life – other people's lives. You were lucky. Don't get me wrong; this is serious, deadly serious, I won't belittle it… But people do make mistakes, Sara. The truth is, we're all human… even you." Grissom said in a soft, soothing tone.

Sara was dumbfounded by Grissom's response. "This coming from Gil Grissom - the man for whom I can do nothing right."

Grissom was taken aback. This was not the reaction he had anticipated.

"What do you mean you can't do anything right for me?"

"Come on, Grissom. Nothing I do seems to please you anymore. I feel like I have to walk around on eggshells around you all of the time. You give Nick the promotion 'because he didn't care whether he got the job or not'. You obviously don't think I'm a good CSI."

Despite his intentions, Grissom was now becoming angry himself.

"Sara… you do good work. You're not only a good CSI, you're easily the best I've ever known. You're a natural. If I don't tell you that all the time it's because… I didn't think I needed to." Grissom closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose with his fingers. "Why is it that everyone at the lab is always in constant need of my approval, my affirmation? Greg, Hodges, David, Nick, even you… constantly trying to impress me? It's not necessary. I can't continually stroke your egos. What would impress me was if you all stopped trying to impress me." Grissom sighed in exasperation.

Sara didn't respond, could not have done so had she tried. Such a wonderful compliment followed by such a scathing reproach. She was reeling from the shock of it.

"Do you really know why I've been so hard on you? Turning you away?" Grissom searched Sara's eyes.

Sara didn't answer, just kept staring at him.

"Because I wanted you to stop needing my approval. Anybody who's great at anything, Sara, does it for their own approval not someone else's. You don't need my approval. You are good at what you do. You needed to see that. My method has worked before. It worked for Nick… it seems to be working for Greg… however, you…" Grissom let out a low chuckle, "are a special breed, Sara… and all I've managed to do for you is to cause you pain…"

"So… all the silent treatment… not working cases together… was only about making me a better CSI…" Sara's voice was barely a whisper.

Grissom hesitated, and then let out a long, agonizing sigh. "No… I somehow thought that if I could get you to stop seeking my approval, you'd stop seeing me as your teacher, your... mentor, your... supervisor... and start seeing me as a... man."

TBC