Chapter 3

To say that Sara was stunned by Grissom's declaration would have been the understatement of the century. It was rare for her to ever be left completely speechless, but that's exactly what she was. Her mind was spinning as a result of his brief tirade.

Grissom, on the other hand, was absolutely horror-struck. Did those words actually come out of his mouth? Never did he speak without weighing his words carefully, ever vigilant against revealing more about himself than he wanted others to know. Now, he realized, he had exposed far too much. He felt naked… and woefully inadequate as a supervisor and as a friend. He was supposed to be providing Sara with support and understanding, not bombarding her with his own frustrations – least of all those involving her.

"I'm sorry." Grissom sounded pitiful, a stricken look on his face. "I shouldn't have said –"

Sara finally found her voice, "You don't think I see you as a man?"

"Now's not the time to –"

Sara cut him off by raising her palm up and shaking her head at him. "Whoa… no back-pedaling, Grissom." She paused, "Do you know how long I've been waiting to hear you tell me - and not some stranger - what you're feeling? I want to talk about this."

Grissom's mouth opened slightly and he cocked his head, eyes narrowed in confusion. Stranger? What was she talking about? Squeezing his eyes tightly shut, he sighed heavily before replying, "I didn't come here to discuss my feelings."

"Uh uh... You can't just say those kinds of things to me and not allow me to respond. Well… I mean you can… you do it all the time – but not this time." Sara looked pointedly at Grissom. He realized with dismay that her behavior had gone from despondent to shock to irate in less than five minutes. Gil knew his communication and social skills were lacking, but... Why couldn't he seem to say anything right around Sara?

"I-I-I don't believe you. Lumping me in with Greg and David and … and… Hodges!" Sara's normally low and husky voice was rising in pitch with anger. "And you think that all I want is to impress my mentor and get my supervisor's approval?"

Grissom didn't want to continue on the treacherous path this conversation had taken, but it appeared that he no longer had a choice in the matter. What was it that Greg had said to him once? 'Som man reder sa ligger man - One must lie in the bed one has made'. Well, he may as well climb all the way in and pull up the blankets. Determined, Grissom's expression was purposely blank and he kept his voice carefully neutral as he replied, "Can you honestly tell me that's not to some extent true?"

Sara stood up then, and began pacing the floor, clearly frustrated. Dammit! she thought to herself. She knew he was at least partially right and it pissed her off that he could read her so easily. The simple truth was that she did want his approval – as a supervisor, as a mentor, but first and foremost, as a man. She did want to impress him – to make him see that she really was worthy of his attention. She hated herself for it. She also hated the fact that she didn't seem to be able to. But for him to lump her in with David and Hodges? Why couldn't he see her as the accomplished woman, and CSI, that deep down she knew she was – and so desperately wanted him to recognize?

"You're clueless, you know that? I'll admit that it's nice to be able to impress you every now and then, Grissom, and I cherish any compliment you throw my way – which, by the way, hasn't been very often these days – but I don't need it to prove my worth as a CSI." Sara stopped pacing and turned to face Grissom.

"You want me to see you as more than my mentor or supervisor? To start seeing you as a man? Then stop seeing me as only your student and employee." She took a deep breath and sighed, her voice soft and tinged with sadness as she continued, "I'm more than that."

Grissom leaned back against the couch, and Sara didn't miss the fact that he didn't seem quite able to meet her eyes. He gazed down at his hands sitting limply in his lap and nodded lightly to himself. His voice heavy with resignation he replied, "You're right."

Feeling suddenly exhausted, Sara stepped over to the couch and plopped back down next to Grissom. They both sat in silence for what seemed like hours, each lost in their own thoughts.

Grissom knew deep in his heart that he saw Sara as more than a student and employee - far more - but he recognized that he was terrible at showing it. In reality, he had been trying his best for a very long time to hide it. After his surgery last year, he finally realized that he no longer wanted to hide it. He had come back to the lab with a new outlook and resolution – he even told the Sheriff in Jackpot he was trying to change – and he was trying. He remembered the Quinn - Lyford rape case just a few months back. Sara had been studying the bloody bed sheet in the lab and had asked him to pin her down against it to prove a theory. He had stepped forward and taken Sara's wrists in his hands. He tried to concentrate on what she was saying, but she was standing so close... He could smell her scent, her breath mingling with his… then he had shifted his hands near her waist to aid in further illustrating her theory. But the last thing on his mind was her theory. All he could think about was that this was what she would look like beneath him – in bed. He wondered what her lips would feel like – taste like. He had wanted to kiss her then. He almost did. Then Sara had roused him from his thoughts, saying something about the promotion for the key position. She wanted to make sure that anything that happened or didn't happen between them wouldn't be a factor. Happened or didn't happen. Past tense. She had told him once that by the time he figured out what to do about 'this' that it could be too late. He realized then that he had waited too long. But now… now, if he understood Sara correctly, he might still have a chance…

Sara laid her head back against the couch and closed her eyes. She was absolutely drained. She didn't want to think anymore. But no matter how she tried, she couldn't get the promotion issue out of her head. If Grissom was telling the truth about his reasons for turning her away and not working with her all of these months, and she wasn't sure she was completely buying his story, why did he give the promotion to Nick? Didn't he just include Nick in the same sentence with her, Greg, David, and Hodges as wanting nothing more than to impress him? If that were the case, then why choose Nick over her? Yes, he had seniority, but that couldn't be the only reason. Grissom's 'reason' had been because Nick 'didn't care' about the promotion. Yeah, right. She knew better. She also knew it was a stupid reason and she had already told him so. She wanted to know the real reason. And now was as good a time as any to get it.

Sara broke the silence. "You know, everyone working at the lab, whether they're willing to admit it or not, wants your approval – not just me. I know Nick does – you said so yourself. You also said it wasn't because I'm not a good CSI… so… why did you give Nick the promotion?"

Grissom lifted his head and looked over at Sara, expecting to see her glaring angrily at him, but her face was calm and her eyes were closed. She must be exhausted, he thought to himself. "You have to be tired, Sara. Why don't you get some sleep? We can discuss this tomorrow," he said softly.

Sara opened her eyes and rolled her head on the couch so that she could look Grissom in the eyes. Her voice was laden with desperation and pain. "Why can't you tell me? Look, I know it's a moot point – the promotion was cut – but I want to know… if for nothing else than my own peace of mind."

Grissom just stared at her for a moment, chewing the inside of his cheek as he tried to think of a way to explain it to her. Finally, he shifted on the couch to face her more fully. "Sara, why did you want the promotion?"

Sara rolled her eyes and huffed. "Look – wanting the promotion should not be held against me. Nick wanted it too – whether you think he did or not."

"But why did you want it, Sara?" he asked evenly.

Sara's voice was rising in exasperation. "Why does anyone want a promotion, Grissom! Because it proves that you are good at what you do."

"To who?"

"To everyone!"

"But why do you need to prove that? You already told me that you know you're a good CSI. I've already told you that I know you're one of the best. Will a special title change that? No. Trust me, Sara. You didn't want this promotion. It has nothing to do with being a good CSI. It's about forms and invoices and schedules… and people and politics…" Grissom sighed and the corners of his mouth turned up into a reluctant half smile, "Sara… you and I are more alike than I care to admit. Trust me on this… you would not have liked the job. Nick and you are very different. He's better suited for it. He doesn't mind that kind of stuff."

Sara sat silently, absorbing all that Grissom had just told her.

"Do you understand now?" he asked softly. "I wasn't trying to punish you. Hell, if I wanted to punish you – I'd have given you the job!" He let out a small chuckle and his blue eyes searched Sara's brown orbs, hoping to find understanding and forgiveness there.

He was rewarded with both, and a hint of a grin as Sara replied, "You know, you could have told me that before. It's a hell of a lot better than your first explanation."

Grissom nodded, "You're right. I'm sorry, Sara." Sara nodded back and they lapsed into an uneasy silence, neither knowing what to say next.

"You look pretty tired." Grissom offered.

Sara sighed, "Yeah, I am."

"I guess I should go."

But he didn't move, and neither did Sara. They just sat there staring at each other on the couch, the same place they'd been for how long now? An hour? Longer? Both so exhausted by their discussion that they didn't want to move.

"No… stay." Sara's voice was barely a whisper and Grissom had to almost strain to hear it. "Like you said, drinking and solitude are not a good combination. I could use a friend to lean on." Sara looked at Grissom pensively. She felt like she had just been through a ringer and really didn't relish the idea of being alone right now.

A slow smile made its way to Grissom's lips as he realized what Sara was asking of him right now. At this moment he was not her mentor; not her boss. "Come here," he whispered softly as he slid his left arm along the back of the sofa and gently pulled Sara into his side as she laid her head on his shoulder. "Lean on me all you like."

TBC