Noone really knew exactly what happened. One morning Edmund Blackadder had excused himself from the communal table (yes, everyone had to share that table. And the things that happened to that table... shudders) to go brush his teeth and then noone had ever heard from him again.
Some thought he'd commited some huge rime and run away to Florida. Why Florida peple asked. He'd run to Florida because it was hot. And then they'd nodded and gone back to their tea.
Other's thought he'd been abducted by aliens. Okay, one guy thought he'd been abducted by aliens, and he was the closest. He had been abducted, but not by aliens.
When Edmund had gone to his bathroom and picked up his tube of orange-flavoured toothpaste, he had ripped open a hole in space time and created a linkway between this exsistance and another. Because he was the disgustingly curious little weasel that he was, he squeezed himself into the minute space and left his dimension.
Upon reaching the other side he was his in the head with a large stack of paper, effectively knocking him out. He was then gagged, bound and attatched to a coffee table and taken to a small apartment in somewhere that isn't Florida.
When he woke there was a man sitting in an arm chair sorting through the very stack of paper that had caused the head trauma he had very recenetly suffered. The paper in question had lots of writing on it, except for the parts of it that appeared to be green constrution paper. Or large puzzle pieces.
After regaining his bearings, or regaining as much of his bearings as one could regain while tied to a coffee table he started asking questions.
Unfortunately for him, he had, in fact, been gagged, and so the other man didn't notice him until he started wiggling.
"Oh." The other man said, dropping a large stack of green construction paper on the floor. "Would you like something?"
Edmund made more 'I'm-gagged-you-git' noises. So the other man ungagged him.
"Who are you? Where am I? Why did you tie me to a coffee table? Why did you tie me up at all? How did I get here? Why are there puzzle pieces in that stack of paper?" Rushed out of Edmund's mouth.
"I am Kevin Darling. You are in my office, where, coincidentally enough, I live. I tied you to a coffee table because I'm running short on chairs. I didn't actually tie you up. My associates who are out for lunch, did. We tied you up to keep you from escaping. You got here by dimension jumping through your bathroom. There are puzzle pieces in this stack of paper because I'm in the middle of doing a puzzle and sorting out paperwork. Does that answer all your questions?"
"NO!" Edmund shouted, glaring. He didn't look paticularily intimidating, if only because he was tied to a coffee table. "How did I... dimension jump here? Where is here? Don't I know you from somewhere?"
"Remember that green glowy thing you crawled through?" Edmund nodded. "That was a link way between your exsistance and mine. Here is my dimension, I am in charge of travel between the two dimensions. I am also in charge of you until we know who you were there and who you are here. You might know me from your dimension, but I could be anything from a chair to a rabbit."
Marginally satisfied with this information, Edmund took this moment to go to sleep. Let his subconsious sort this out. Maybe he'd wake up and everything would be normal.
Kevin, meanwhile, had to figure out where this guy belonged in this reality. If he was a fire hydrant or something, he'd just make several false documents and send him on his way. If he already exsisted, he'd have to change his identity.
Later that month, Kevin was still poring over files in search of an exsisting Edmund Blackadder who was in the place of exsistance that this Edmund would be in otherwise.
Edmund had been untied from the coffee table and had been put to work on the puzzle Kevin had been working on.
"Ah ha!" Kevin said one day. "I've found you. Edmund Blackadder. Married. Two children and a dog named... Baldrick? Whatever. So you exsist. We'll have to alter you slightly."
"Alter me?" Edmund asked, looking up from the almost complete puzzle. "How so?"
"Change your name. Change your hair colour. I don't know, maybe we'll do something to your eyebrows." Kevin said, picking up a dusty blue telephone and dialing some unknown number. "And we'll have to get you a job." He returned his attention to the phone. "Hello, George? We have one. Yes. Yes. Stop asking questions and just come here you idiot. You can ask him questions. Honestly, you're no smarter than an ant that's been crushed be a large pink clog. Yes. No. Come here. No. No. NO! Alright fine."
Kevin slammed down the phone. Edmund raised an eyebrow.
"He's bringing his cat." Edmund nodded in understanding. "So... do you have any preferences in names?"
"Something simaler to my current one if it wouldn't be too much trouble." Kevin nodded.
"I think we could keep your last name... we'd just need to add something to it. Another last name. Suggestions?" Kevin had brought out a canary yellow notepad and was scribbling into it.
"What's your last name again?"
"Darling?"
"That works."
"Alright. Hello Mr. Darling-Blackadder. Osmond Darling-Blackadder."
"I think I can work with that."
There was a knock on the door. Edmund, who was now Osmond, opened it. Another mysterious man walked in, dropping a cat who yowled and danced (yes, danced, but only in a fasion that a cat on four legs can) out of the room. The man then turned sharply and gave Osmond a long look.
"So this is him then?" Kevin nodded. "What's his name?"
"George," Kevin said quietly. "This is Osmond Darling-Blackadder."
George looked at Kevin with a puzzled expression on his face. Then he looked at Osmond. Then back at Kevin. Then back at Osmond. The something like understanding exploded like an atomic bomb on his face.
"You married him! Wow!" George said. Osmond and Kevin looked at him with a mix between shock, confusion, amusement and a bit of almost longing.
"I didn't marry him George." Kevin said after a while.
"Sure you did. Wow. I'd better be going then. Don't want to disturb the love nest." At this point in time, he elbowed Osmond lightly, Osmond turned a light shade of pink. It should be noted that up until this paticular time, a Blackadder had never blushed. But that's centuries of blushing just fighting to get out. It escaped. All over Osmond Darling-Blackadder's face. "I'll tell head quarters to leave you alone, alright?"
Before anyone could protest George and his dancing Cat were gone. Kevin looked at Osmond apologetically.
"Well. We're as good as married now. Headquarters are twice as thick as George. Sorry. You're technically bound to be for life." Osmond shrugged.
"Could be worse." He paused. "So do I get a job?"
After a week of planning and choosing, Osmond was employed as The Man in Charge of The Queen's Lawn Sprinklers. Also, after a week of living and spontaneous visits from what Kevin called 'People From Work' Kevin and Osmond had gotten used to 'married life'.
A year after this, Kevin and Osmond actually considered getting legally married. But we'll keep you up to date on that.
a/n: okay... the original written thingy I wrote in my head while brushing my teeth was a bit weirder. This chapter is for my loony subconsious who think's Rimmer's last name is Wanda and introduced me to the Queen of England yesterday. She got splashed when a Blue Whale appeared out of nowhere and jumped in the water next to her. Yeah. I'm weird. I don't think the Wanda thing had anythign to do with a Fish Called Wanda because I haven't actually seen it. But maybe that's it.
Some thought he'd commited some huge rime and run away to Florida. Why Florida peple asked. He'd run to Florida because it was hot. And then they'd nodded and gone back to their tea.
Other's thought he'd been abducted by aliens. Okay, one guy thought he'd been abducted by aliens, and he was the closest. He had been abducted, but not by aliens.
When Edmund had gone to his bathroom and picked up his tube of orange-flavoured toothpaste, he had ripped open a hole in space time and created a linkway between this exsistance and another. Because he was the disgustingly curious little weasel that he was, he squeezed himself into the minute space and left his dimension.
Upon reaching the other side he was his in the head with a large stack of paper, effectively knocking him out. He was then gagged, bound and attatched to a coffee table and taken to a small apartment in somewhere that isn't Florida.
When he woke there was a man sitting in an arm chair sorting through the very stack of paper that had caused the head trauma he had very recenetly suffered. The paper in question had lots of writing on it, except for the parts of it that appeared to be green constrution paper. Or large puzzle pieces.
After regaining his bearings, or regaining as much of his bearings as one could regain while tied to a coffee table he started asking questions.
Unfortunately for him, he had, in fact, been gagged, and so the other man didn't notice him until he started wiggling.
"Oh." The other man said, dropping a large stack of green construction paper on the floor. "Would you like something?"
Edmund made more 'I'm-gagged-you-git' noises. So the other man ungagged him.
"Who are you? Where am I? Why did you tie me to a coffee table? Why did you tie me up at all? How did I get here? Why are there puzzle pieces in that stack of paper?" Rushed out of Edmund's mouth.
"I am Kevin Darling. You are in my office, where, coincidentally enough, I live. I tied you to a coffee table because I'm running short on chairs. I didn't actually tie you up. My associates who are out for lunch, did. We tied you up to keep you from escaping. You got here by dimension jumping through your bathroom. There are puzzle pieces in this stack of paper because I'm in the middle of doing a puzzle and sorting out paperwork. Does that answer all your questions?"
"NO!" Edmund shouted, glaring. He didn't look paticularily intimidating, if only because he was tied to a coffee table. "How did I... dimension jump here? Where is here? Don't I know you from somewhere?"
"Remember that green glowy thing you crawled through?" Edmund nodded. "That was a link way between your exsistance and mine. Here is my dimension, I am in charge of travel between the two dimensions. I am also in charge of you until we know who you were there and who you are here. You might know me from your dimension, but I could be anything from a chair to a rabbit."
Marginally satisfied with this information, Edmund took this moment to go to sleep. Let his subconsious sort this out. Maybe he'd wake up and everything would be normal.
Kevin, meanwhile, had to figure out where this guy belonged in this reality. If he was a fire hydrant or something, he'd just make several false documents and send him on his way. If he already exsisted, he'd have to change his identity.
Later that month, Kevin was still poring over files in search of an exsisting Edmund Blackadder who was in the place of exsistance that this Edmund would be in otherwise.
Edmund had been untied from the coffee table and had been put to work on the puzzle Kevin had been working on.
"Ah ha!" Kevin said one day. "I've found you. Edmund Blackadder. Married. Two children and a dog named... Baldrick? Whatever. So you exsist. We'll have to alter you slightly."
"Alter me?" Edmund asked, looking up from the almost complete puzzle. "How so?"
"Change your name. Change your hair colour. I don't know, maybe we'll do something to your eyebrows." Kevin said, picking up a dusty blue telephone and dialing some unknown number. "And we'll have to get you a job." He returned his attention to the phone. "Hello, George? We have one. Yes. Yes. Stop asking questions and just come here you idiot. You can ask him questions. Honestly, you're no smarter than an ant that's been crushed be a large pink clog. Yes. No. Come here. No. No. NO! Alright fine."
Kevin slammed down the phone. Edmund raised an eyebrow.
"He's bringing his cat." Edmund nodded in understanding. "So... do you have any preferences in names?"
"Something simaler to my current one if it wouldn't be too much trouble." Kevin nodded.
"I think we could keep your last name... we'd just need to add something to it. Another last name. Suggestions?" Kevin had brought out a canary yellow notepad and was scribbling into it.
"What's your last name again?"
"Darling?"
"That works."
"Alright. Hello Mr. Darling-Blackadder. Osmond Darling-Blackadder."
"I think I can work with that."
There was a knock on the door. Edmund, who was now Osmond, opened it. Another mysterious man walked in, dropping a cat who yowled and danced (yes, danced, but only in a fasion that a cat on four legs can) out of the room. The man then turned sharply and gave Osmond a long look.
"So this is him then?" Kevin nodded. "What's his name?"
"George," Kevin said quietly. "This is Osmond Darling-Blackadder."
George looked at Kevin with a puzzled expression on his face. Then he looked at Osmond. Then back at Kevin. Then back at Osmond. The something like understanding exploded like an atomic bomb on his face.
"You married him! Wow!" George said. Osmond and Kevin looked at him with a mix between shock, confusion, amusement and a bit of almost longing.
"I didn't marry him George." Kevin said after a while.
"Sure you did. Wow. I'd better be going then. Don't want to disturb the love nest." At this point in time, he elbowed Osmond lightly, Osmond turned a light shade of pink. It should be noted that up until this paticular time, a Blackadder had never blushed. But that's centuries of blushing just fighting to get out. It escaped. All over Osmond Darling-Blackadder's face. "I'll tell head quarters to leave you alone, alright?"
Before anyone could protest George and his dancing Cat were gone. Kevin looked at Osmond apologetically.
"Well. We're as good as married now. Headquarters are twice as thick as George. Sorry. You're technically bound to be for life." Osmond shrugged.
"Could be worse." He paused. "So do I get a job?"
After a week of planning and choosing, Osmond was employed as The Man in Charge of The Queen's Lawn Sprinklers. Also, after a week of living and spontaneous visits from what Kevin called 'People From Work' Kevin and Osmond had gotten used to 'married life'.
A year after this, Kevin and Osmond actually considered getting legally married. But we'll keep you up to date on that.
a/n: okay... the original written thingy I wrote in my head while brushing my teeth was a bit weirder. This chapter is for my loony subconsious who think's Rimmer's last name is Wanda and introduced me to the Queen of England yesterday. She got splashed when a Blue Whale appeared out of nowhere and jumped in the water next to her. Yeah. I'm weird. I don't think the Wanda thing had anythign to do with a Fish Called Wanda because I haven't actually seen it. But maybe that's it.