The Sun Chapter 2
In this world there are timid women, strong women, wild women, safe women, fun women, wrong women, and right women. What I failed to realize is that a woman can be all of those things at any given time in her life. I've never been one to really think about women for more than a day at least. None of them held my fancy. They were all empty, no substance. I found that my attention was far too important to bestow it upon any particular woman for any substantial amount of time. Sure, I've been called a ladies man. Later in my life some even called me womanizer. It's not my fault I'm hard to please. I am a prince after all. It's not my fault I found them all empty and very lacking. That was until I saw perfection. Not the type of perfection to be attracted to. Rather, the type perfection that I felt I needed to nurture to ensure that all of its potential was achieved. I found this perfection in Pan, the daughter of my mentor Gohan Son. For the first time in my life I, Trunks Briefs, was speechless the first time I held her in my arms, only days after she was born; I felt her aura held such goodness, such life, such perfection. Her eyes held so much wonder. She captivated me within seconds. She was perfect to me when I was only fourteen, before I really knew exactly how to give my own definition to perfection. I suppose she defined it for me without me ever knowing. Little did I know that as she grew, as her perfection would grow, she would become the kind of perfect that I simply couldn't resist, the kind that I had been searching for my entire life. She would become more perfect than I could have ever imagined that day I held her, but she would also become so perfect that it became a flaw yet she still remained my perfect Pan.
As she grew I was always there to help her in whatever way she needed. She saw me as a brother or an uncle I imagine. I watched her grow. I watched her in all her perfection. I watched her become so many different women but still remain Pan, still remain perfect. She was like the sun, gave me warmth inside and out. She was like the sun giving light to everything in my life and making it brighter, healthier, and happier.
Early in life she was timid. Pan hadn't quite grasped onto the fighting spirit I knew she possessed. She and I started her training in the fighting arts. Her Saiyan blood did her well, and she caught on quickly from the start. She mastered each level with such perfection. I was so proud of her, and only two things gave me gratification for being involved in her training. Her smile that she always gave me held such admiration, and my father had commended me on how well she fought, especially in her small stature. She was so bright and so down to earth. She wanted to learn and learned well. Still she didn't realize how strong she was. Even when she started school, she let people pick on her. I was so proud she was still humble. I remember explaining to her that she was a Saiyan better and stronger than any of the kids that were teasing her. Then she gave me that smile I loved. I hugged her, and then training began. Such child-like perfection, that was Pan.
Some how I lost track of time with her for a few years because they passed by and before I knew it she became strong and wild at the same time. In her latter high school years, she became a partier. She was out all hours of the night doing things that her parents would have had a coronary over. She drank; she danced; she stayed out; she dated; and she experienced life. Many nights Gohan would ask if she was with me or if I knew where she was. I always felt he was a bit overbearing so I'd tell him training went long, and she had decided to stay over. A few hours after the father called, the daughter would always call to ask if her dad was looking for her or ask for a ride home. She always told me exactly what she had done and who she had done it with. I was proud to be her confidant. I was glad to be her protection. I was honored she felt that close to me, that she allowed me such ties to her perfection. I guess I believed that if I was around her long enough some of it would rub off on me because it was at that point in my life, I started realize I was much less perfect than I had originally thought. Well, maybe not less perfect, but not as perfect as my mother who wanted me to fill her all but irreplaceable shoes.
When Pan moved away for college, I barely had time to notice. I was taking my mother's place in the office. She was training me, molding me into what I needed to be to keep Capsule at the top. Somewhere in the most inner part of her being, I truly believed that she didn't feel I could do as well as she required. That thought alone made me buckle down and work my hardest just for her approval, after all she was the only one I'd seek approval from, besides Pan. However, with Pan, it was an automatic stamp of approval. Things went smoother than I had expected, but it was still no picnic. Mother praised me sometimes, but I couldn't help but feel that she expected more, more than I'd ever be able to fulfill. Not even father put as much pressure on me that she seemed to, and he, with all his regality, expected perfection. Hadn't I been perfect? Hadn't I made perfect grades? Invented the best prototypes? Increases company stock by ten percent? Where were Pan and her perfection when I need them?
She was off at Harvard. Had I know that I'd miss her so much indirectly, I'd never helped her get off the waiting list she had been put on. But she had come to my office in tears. She wanted more than anything to go to that American Ivy League college. As always, I couldn't deny her anything. I wanted her to experience life to it fullest. After I had only had private tutors my whole life, I felt that I missed out on so many things. I wanted Pan to have it all. She deserved it. She was perfect.
I remember the day she came home. It was one of the happiest days of my life. She looked so good to me, and when I hugged her I felt that perfect aura again. Her aura surrounded me, comforted me, and told me that things were going to be just fine now that she had returned. I had missed her so, and now she had come back to me, my perfect Pan. I wasn't going to let her get away so easily if she decided to leave again.
Pan started working for Capsule, much to my pleasure. It was all very surprising. She came to me again upset. Her parents had told her that it was time she made a life of her own. I knew that Videl and Gohan meant financially, but the shock of it all made Pan think they were abandoning her completely. She was afraid and unsure if she could make it on her own. She would never be completely alone as long as I was alive. She had to know that, if she knew anything at all. I explained to her that her options were innumerable. She graduated from Harvard, that fact alone would open doors for her. She was brilliant, beautiful, and perfect. She could do anything without any of her very promising connections to her parents, grandfather, or me. She was very self-sufficient. She just hadn't realized it yet. She couldn't see her own perfection. I offered her a job that day to work for me. I realize now that wasn't going to help her to prove her own self- sufficiency, but that day I was selfish, still feeling lacking. I knew with Pan working at Capsule everyone could profit from her perfection. Everything would run smoother. I could finally be as good as mother, even if it was only with Pan's help. Pan was perfect where my mother was not. With Pan's help there was nothing I couldn't do. She was not walking out of my office that day without accepting a position, and she didn't.
She took the job no questions asked. She was thrilled that I wanted her to work for me. Promised me that she would give me her best work then gave me her best smile. The years she was gone, I had missed that smile very much. However as she leaned in to give me a hug, everything became wrong, very wrong. It wasn't the same. I felt her mature body in my arms and realize that she was no longer perfect in way I need to nurture but perfect in the way that I craved. She was perfect in a way that set my nerves on fire. It was like I was seeing her for the first time. I couldn't believe it. When did she lose the chubby cheeks? When did her hair grow out and lay so flawlessly at her shoulders and back? Where did she pick her up intoxicating smell? I had no idea that the innocent perfection that I saw so many years ago would become the intangible perfection I had wanted all my life. There she was, in my arms, perfection, but I was ashamed to desire her. She was a child. She was so young. She was sooo wrong. I felt vile, dirty, scummy, filthy, and any other derogatory adjective that would apply.
I tried so long to make my attraction to her go away. It wasn't as easy as I thought it would have been. She was unlike any other woman I had ever come into contact in my life. Where all of the others were empty, she was overflowing. Where they all made me feel useless, she made me feel alive. Where all of them were flawed, Pan was perfect. I couldn't trust myself around her anymore. I found myself thinking about her, and if I wasn't thinking about her, everyone was talking about her and her amazing work.
As everyone was taking in Pan's perfection, I was falling apart and realizing I was no where near perfect anymore. I was seeing so many women, so many their faces all blur. I searched desperately for just one that gave me any feeling at all like Pan had that day. Much to my dismay, not one came anywhere close, but I couldn't give up. The consequences of giving up were too large to think about.
For years, I was had that inner turmoil, and Pan was ever-present. Literally, she was everywhere, if not in person, in name. She wowed every department head. Her marketing ideas were so simple yet effective. Everyone was starting to see the perfection I saw, I still see. The head of marketing couldn't praise her enough. When meeting with him, she was almost all he talked about. When he announced his retirement, he placed her in his position personally. It was that event that I realized I'd just have to live with it. She was perfect, perfectly untouchable. I'd have to do my best to live the rest of my life wanting to know if she was prefect in everyway but not being allowed to experience it first hand.
I neglected our friendship for years, but when I need my perfect Pan, she was by my side in a second. She saved my ass so many times. I was falling apart. I couldn't handle the pressure of everything anymore. I couldn't stand living in my mother's shadow any longer. I needed Pan and all her perfection to lift me up like they used to. I needed her to hug me. I needed her. I needed her like I needed air, and I firmly believe that the distance I placed between us was the reason I was falling apart.
With her new position, I saw much more of her. I experienced her beautiful perfect, fed off of it. There was always a battle with my attraction to her; I would feel the need to have her around all the time. I started asking her advice, sharing my inner battles, and rebuilding the friendship that I was forsaken because I had become afraid of her and her stunning perfection. My fear never faded, but we grew close again. I cared for her more than I cared about myself, always had. She was so perfect, so beautiful, and so wrong for me. Still, I wanted her, and no one else would ever fill the want that my mind, body, and soul held for her. A fact I realized with much regret. I could never have what I wanted so passionately.
It had become a daily habit. I'd call Pan into my office around mid- morning. We would go over some things, and then I'd take her to lunch, or she'd take me to lunch. That was our routine. I knew that rumors were spreading around about how she was my latest fling. Part of me reveled in the thought of that. Another part of me cringed. Nothing ever happened between us behind my closed office door. I'll never forget the worry that came over me when her assistant told me she had called in sick that day. Pan was never sick, ever. There was no hesitation when I picked up the phone to check on her. She sounded tired but said she'd be better by tomorrow. I told her I wanted to talk to her. I guess I was hoping she'd invite me over. I really didn't think I could go a day without seeing her without falling apart. She uplifted me. I needed her.
She told me to come over after work and offered to make me dinner. I told her I'd bring something. She really was perfectly selfless, or I thought so for the rest of the day. Moreover, I felt excited the rest of the day. I had never been to Pan's apartment for dinner before, had never been alone in her home before. I stopped those thoughts as best I could. I reminded myself she was sick. Everything went fine for the rest of the day until my secretary reminded me I needed to get my sister a birthday present and RSVP for her party. My sister was turning 30. Do you know how old that made me? OLD . . . where did my life go? What had I done? I needed my perfect Pan to tell me everything was going to be ok. I needed her more that day than I had in awhile. I needed her to make me feel perfect again. Only she could.
Standing in the hallway waiting on her to open the door, so many things ran through my head. They ranged from problems at Capsule I needed to take care of to my realization of my old age, to the perfection of the girl I'd hope would answer the door soon, all the food I was carrying was driving me insane with hunger.
Everything left my mind for a moment as I beheld her. She had blue pin stripe pajama pants on with a white tank top. Her hair was up in a pony tail. Her face was so lively and smiling in such a devilish sort of way. I informed her that she wasn't sick. She only laughed and pulled me inside. The whole place smelled like her, was filled with her perfect aura. I felt if I could just stay there forever I could be at peace.
During dinner she asked questions in attempts to find out what I wanted to talk about. I danced around them as best I could. I wanted to enjoy this private dinner with her. It would probably be the only one I'd ever have. Tomorrow night I'd be banished back to my life as an old bachelor seeing a different girl every night finding them all lacking in comparison to the one woman sitting in front of me who was more perfect that anything I'd ever be allowed in life. No, I decided my problems could wait. I just wanted to enjoy her while could, as much as I could.
Dinner was cleared and everything was put away. We sat down on her couch, and she flat out asked me what was wrong. I spilled everything to her, well everything that didn't involve her. I believe she wanted to laugh at me when I told her I was old, but realization soon came over her. She was quiet for awhile thinking of the perfect words to tell me. She looked me in the eye and told me that there would always be a right girl out there. I couldn't give up. She also told me that if I ever felt empty she'd be glad to fill me again. She said that she loved me. Pan loved me. That never occurred to me before. How could someone so perfect love someone as lowly as me? I knew she was serious; she loved me. Could she love me the way I truly wanted to her to though? I had to seek answers because that might have been the only chance I had. I hugged her close to feel her in my arms. I pressed her to me, held her so tight.
As I loosened my hold on her enough for comfort but not letting her escape. I asked how she had become so smart at her young age. I wanted to insert perfect, but that really wasn't appropriate. Then again the thoughts going through my head as I held her were far less than appropriate anyway. Her reply was that she was getting old, too. I laughed slightly and told her I guessed she was right. She pulled back and slapped me across the face. I was a little surprised but still found it funny. My smile increased all the more. She laughed and embraced me in a hug again. The I asked a question I wasn't sure I wanted to know the answer to but I just prayed there was hope for me still, she had said she loved me right? So I asked why she wasn't seeing anyone and if she was lonely. She went rigid then after a moment relaxed. I was informed that she was dedicated to her job right now, that she really didn't have time for anything else.
I pressed harder and asked again if she was lonely. She said that the few men she had experience with had left her broken hearted, and she could live without that. I agreed that she could and added in my mind that I'd never break her perfect heart. But I'd never be allowed to possess it so it made little difference. I tried to lighten the mood again as I held her there feeling like she needed the comfort of the embrace as much as I did. Jokingly I told her that we better start looking for these right people for us or they might find each other. She spoke so evenly I didn't know if she was joking or not as she said "Well then we'll just have to get together then won't we?" I felt her freeze in my arms, there was something behind what she had said. I could just feel it. She started to laugh though, but it wasn't a flowing laughter. It was forced. My heart soared.
I pushed her away somewhat. My heart was aching to see the truth in her eyes. There were questions in her eyes and she was scared. I discovered all this as I slowly, softly probed her eyes. A goofy smile came to my face as I asked her "Would that be so bad?" I held her eyes as time just passed us by. She was afraid. Was she afraid of me? I knew I was surely afraid of her at this moment. I was afraid she'd leave me, banish me from her perfection forever. I said in a hushed tone, "Forgive me." Then I put my lips to hers barely touching them. I was too afraid that she wouldn't accept me to kiss her like I really wanted to, but there was such a spark from the soft touch, I hadn't sense enough to deepen the kiss after she didn't reject me. I felt her hand at my neck pulling me to her. I felt her body mold to mine. I felt her. I felt her kiss me. I wanted more of her perfect kisses. I'd surely die without them. After tasting her perfection I only craved more. It was then that Pan became the right woman, the only woman, for me.
That kiss started my life. Prior to that perfect kiss, I was on pause. That kiss started my life with my perfect Pan. But still as she pulled away I saw something in her eyes. Something that was less than perfect, something that was never to be in any way affiliated with Pan, my perfect Pan. Funny how we hide our true selves in fear of actually being discovered and judged for what we really are. Funny how one woman can jump to being so many kinds of women in a matter of minutes. Still she as she changed into all those different women she always remained my perfect Pan, didn't she? Pan taught me a lot of lessons, but how to be perfect was never one of them.
In this world there are timid women, strong women, wild women, safe women, fun women, wrong women, and right women. What I failed to realize is that a woman can be all of those things at any given time in her life. I've never been one to really think about women for more than a day at least. None of them held my fancy. They were all empty, no substance. I found that my attention was far too important to bestow it upon any particular woman for any substantial amount of time. Sure, I've been called a ladies man. Later in my life some even called me womanizer. It's not my fault I'm hard to please. I am a prince after all. It's not my fault I found them all empty and very lacking. That was until I saw perfection. Not the type of perfection to be attracted to. Rather, the type perfection that I felt I needed to nurture to ensure that all of its potential was achieved. I found this perfection in Pan, the daughter of my mentor Gohan Son. For the first time in my life I, Trunks Briefs, was speechless the first time I held her in my arms, only days after she was born; I felt her aura held such goodness, such life, such perfection. Her eyes held so much wonder. She captivated me within seconds. She was perfect to me when I was only fourteen, before I really knew exactly how to give my own definition to perfection. I suppose she defined it for me without me ever knowing. Little did I know that as she grew, as her perfection would grow, she would become the kind of perfect that I simply couldn't resist, the kind that I had been searching for my entire life. She would become more perfect than I could have ever imagined that day I held her, but she would also become so perfect that it became a flaw yet she still remained my perfect Pan.
As she grew I was always there to help her in whatever way she needed. She saw me as a brother or an uncle I imagine. I watched her grow. I watched her in all her perfection. I watched her become so many different women but still remain Pan, still remain perfect. She was like the sun, gave me warmth inside and out. She was like the sun giving light to everything in my life and making it brighter, healthier, and happier.
Early in life she was timid. Pan hadn't quite grasped onto the fighting spirit I knew she possessed. She and I started her training in the fighting arts. Her Saiyan blood did her well, and she caught on quickly from the start. She mastered each level with such perfection. I was so proud of her, and only two things gave me gratification for being involved in her training. Her smile that she always gave me held such admiration, and my father had commended me on how well she fought, especially in her small stature. She was so bright and so down to earth. She wanted to learn and learned well. Still she didn't realize how strong she was. Even when she started school, she let people pick on her. I was so proud she was still humble. I remember explaining to her that she was a Saiyan better and stronger than any of the kids that were teasing her. Then she gave me that smile I loved. I hugged her, and then training began. Such child-like perfection, that was Pan.
Some how I lost track of time with her for a few years because they passed by and before I knew it she became strong and wild at the same time. In her latter high school years, she became a partier. She was out all hours of the night doing things that her parents would have had a coronary over. She drank; she danced; she stayed out; she dated; and she experienced life. Many nights Gohan would ask if she was with me or if I knew where she was. I always felt he was a bit overbearing so I'd tell him training went long, and she had decided to stay over. A few hours after the father called, the daughter would always call to ask if her dad was looking for her or ask for a ride home. She always told me exactly what she had done and who she had done it with. I was proud to be her confidant. I was glad to be her protection. I was honored she felt that close to me, that she allowed me such ties to her perfection. I guess I believed that if I was around her long enough some of it would rub off on me because it was at that point in my life, I started realize I was much less perfect than I had originally thought. Well, maybe not less perfect, but not as perfect as my mother who wanted me to fill her all but irreplaceable shoes.
When Pan moved away for college, I barely had time to notice. I was taking my mother's place in the office. She was training me, molding me into what I needed to be to keep Capsule at the top. Somewhere in the most inner part of her being, I truly believed that she didn't feel I could do as well as she required. That thought alone made me buckle down and work my hardest just for her approval, after all she was the only one I'd seek approval from, besides Pan. However, with Pan, it was an automatic stamp of approval. Things went smoother than I had expected, but it was still no picnic. Mother praised me sometimes, but I couldn't help but feel that she expected more, more than I'd ever be able to fulfill. Not even father put as much pressure on me that she seemed to, and he, with all his regality, expected perfection. Hadn't I been perfect? Hadn't I made perfect grades? Invented the best prototypes? Increases company stock by ten percent? Where were Pan and her perfection when I need them?
She was off at Harvard. Had I know that I'd miss her so much indirectly, I'd never helped her get off the waiting list she had been put on. But she had come to my office in tears. She wanted more than anything to go to that American Ivy League college. As always, I couldn't deny her anything. I wanted her to experience life to it fullest. After I had only had private tutors my whole life, I felt that I missed out on so many things. I wanted Pan to have it all. She deserved it. She was perfect.
I remember the day she came home. It was one of the happiest days of my life. She looked so good to me, and when I hugged her I felt that perfect aura again. Her aura surrounded me, comforted me, and told me that things were going to be just fine now that she had returned. I had missed her so, and now she had come back to me, my perfect Pan. I wasn't going to let her get away so easily if she decided to leave again.
Pan started working for Capsule, much to my pleasure. It was all very surprising. She came to me again upset. Her parents had told her that it was time she made a life of her own. I knew that Videl and Gohan meant financially, but the shock of it all made Pan think they were abandoning her completely. She was afraid and unsure if she could make it on her own. She would never be completely alone as long as I was alive. She had to know that, if she knew anything at all. I explained to her that her options were innumerable. She graduated from Harvard, that fact alone would open doors for her. She was brilliant, beautiful, and perfect. She could do anything without any of her very promising connections to her parents, grandfather, or me. She was very self-sufficient. She just hadn't realized it yet. She couldn't see her own perfection. I offered her a job that day to work for me. I realize now that wasn't going to help her to prove her own self- sufficiency, but that day I was selfish, still feeling lacking. I knew with Pan working at Capsule everyone could profit from her perfection. Everything would run smoother. I could finally be as good as mother, even if it was only with Pan's help. Pan was perfect where my mother was not. With Pan's help there was nothing I couldn't do. She was not walking out of my office that day without accepting a position, and she didn't.
She took the job no questions asked. She was thrilled that I wanted her to work for me. Promised me that she would give me her best work then gave me her best smile. The years she was gone, I had missed that smile very much. However as she leaned in to give me a hug, everything became wrong, very wrong. It wasn't the same. I felt her mature body in my arms and realize that she was no longer perfect in way I need to nurture but perfect in the way that I craved. She was perfect in a way that set my nerves on fire. It was like I was seeing her for the first time. I couldn't believe it. When did she lose the chubby cheeks? When did her hair grow out and lay so flawlessly at her shoulders and back? Where did she pick her up intoxicating smell? I had no idea that the innocent perfection that I saw so many years ago would become the intangible perfection I had wanted all my life. There she was, in my arms, perfection, but I was ashamed to desire her. She was a child. She was so young. She was sooo wrong. I felt vile, dirty, scummy, filthy, and any other derogatory adjective that would apply.
I tried so long to make my attraction to her go away. It wasn't as easy as I thought it would have been. She was unlike any other woman I had ever come into contact in my life. Where all of the others were empty, she was overflowing. Where they all made me feel useless, she made me feel alive. Where all of them were flawed, Pan was perfect. I couldn't trust myself around her anymore. I found myself thinking about her, and if I wasn't thinking about her, everyone was talking about her and her amazing work.
As everyone was taking in Pan's perfection, I was falling apart and realizing I was no where near perfect anymore. I was seeing so many women, so many their faces all blur. I searched desperately for just one that gave me any feeling at all like Pan had that day. Much to my dismay, not one came anywhere close, but I couldn't give up. The consequences of giving up were too large to think about.
For years, I was had that inner turmoil, and Pan was ever-present. Literally, she was everywhere, if not in person, in name. She wowed every department head. Her marketing ideas were so simple yet effective. Everyone was starting to see the perfection I saw, I still see. The head of marketing couldn't praise her enough. When meeting with him, she was almost all he talked about. When he announced his retirement, he placed her in his position personally. It was that event that I realized I'd just have to live with it. She was perfect, perfectly untouchable. I'd have to do my best to live the rest of my life wanting to know if she was prefect in everyway but not being allowed to experience it first hand.
I neglected our friendship for years, but when I need my perfect Pan, she was by my side in a second. She saved my ass so many times. I was falling apart. I couldn't handle the pressure of everything anymore. I couldn't stand living in my mother's shadow any longer. I needed Pan and all her perfection to lift me up like they used to. I needed her to hug me. I needed her. I needed her like I needed air, and I firmly believe that the distance I placed between us was the reason I was falling apart.
With her new position, I saw much more of her. I experienced her beautiful perfect, fed off of it. There was always a battle with my attraction to her; I would feel the need to have her around all the time. I started asking her advice, sharing my inner battles, and rebuilding the friendship that I was forsaken because I had become afraid of her and her stunning perfection. My fear never faded, but we grew close again. I cared for her more than I cared about myself, always had. She was so perfect, so beautiful, and so wrong for me. Still, I wanted her, and no one else would ever fill the want that my mind, body, and soul held for her. A fact I realized with much regret. I could never have what I wanted so passionately.
It had become a daily habit. I'd call Pan into my office around mid- morning. We would go over some things, and then I'd take her to lunch, or she'd take me to lunch. That was our routine. I knew that rumors were spreading around about how she was my latest fling. Part of me reveled in the thought of that. Another part of me cringed. Nothing ever happened between us behind my closed office door. I'll never forget the worry that came over me when her assistant told me she had called in sick that day. Pan was never sick, ever. There was no hesitation when I picked up the phone to check on her. She sounded tired but said she'd be better by tomorrow. I told her I wanted to talk to her. I guess I was hoping she'd invite me over. I really didn't think I could go a day without seeing her without falling apart. She uplifted me. I needed her.
She told me to come over after work and offered to make me dinner. I told her I'd bring something. She really was perfectly selfless, or I thought so for the rest of the day. Moreover, I felt excited the rest of the day. I had never been to Pan's apartment for dinner before, had never been alone in her home before. I stopped those thoughts as best I could. I reminded myself she was sick. Everything went fine for the rest of the day until my secretary reminded me I needed to get my sister a birthday present and RSVP for her party. My sister was turning 30. Do you know how old that made me? OLD . . . where did my life go? What had I done? I needed my perfect Pan to tell me everything was going to be ok. I needed her more that day than I had in awhile. I needed her to make me feel perfect again. Only she could.
Standing in the hallway waiting on her to open the door, so many things ran through my head. They ranged from problems at Capsule I needed to take care of to my realization of my old age, to the perfection of the girl I'd hope would answer the door soon, all the food I was carrying was driving me insane with hunger.
Everything left my mind for a moment as I beheld her. She had blue pin stripe pajama pants on with a white tank top. Her hair was up in a pony tail. Her face was so lively and smiling in such a devilish sort of way. I informed her that she wasn't sick. She only laughed and pulled me inside. The whole place smelled like her, was filled with her perfect aura. I felt if I could just stay there forever I could be at peace.
During dinner she asked questions in attempts to find out what I wanted to talk about. I danced around them as best I could. I wanted to enjoy this private dinner with her. It would probably be the only one I'd ever have. Tomorrow night I'd be banished back to my life as an old bachelor seeing a different girl every night finding them all lacking in comparison to the one woman sitting in front of me who was more perfect that anything I'd ever be allowed in life. No, I decided my problems could wait. I just wanted to enjoy her while could, as much as I could.
Dinner was cleared and everything was put away. We sat down on her couch, and she flat out asked me what was wrong. I spilled everything to her, well everything that didn't involve her. I believe she wanted to laugh at me when I told her I was old, but realization soon came over her. She was quiet for awhile thinking of the perfect words to tell me. She looked me in the eye and told me that there would always be a right girl out there. I couldn't give up. She also told me that if I ever felt empty she'd be glad to fill me again. She said that she loved me. Pan loved me. That never occurred to me before. How could someone so perfect love someone as lowly as me? I knew she was serious; she loved me. Could she love me the way I truly wanted to her to though? I had to seek answers because that might have been the only chance I had. I hugged her close to feel her in my arms. I pressed her to me, held her so tight.
As I loosened my hold on her enough for comfort but not letting her escape. I asked how she had become so smart at her young age. I wanted to insert perfect, but that really wasn't appropriate. Then again the thoughts going through my head as I held her were far less than appropriate anyway. Her reply was that she was getting old, too. I laughed slightly and told her I guessed she was right. She pulled back and slapped me across the face. I was a little surprised but still found it funny. My smile increased all the more. She laughed and embraced me in a hug again. The I asked a question I wasn't sure I wanted to know the answer to but I just prayed there was hope for me still, she had said she loved me right? So I asked why she wasn't seeing anyone and if she was lonely. She went rigid then after a moment relaxed. I was informed that she was dedicated to her job right now, that she really didn't have time for anything else.
I pressed harder and asked again if she was lonely. She said that the few men she had experience with had left her broken hearted, and she could live without that. I agreed that she could and added in my mind that I'd never break her perfect heart. But I'd never be allowed to possess it so it made little difference. I tried to lighten the mood again as I held her there feeling like she needed the comfort of the embrace as much as I did. Jokingly I told her that we better start looking for these right people for us or they might find each other. She spoke so evenly I didn't know if she was joking or not as she said "Well then we'll just have to get together then won't we?" I felt her freeze in my arms, there was something behind what she had said. I could just feel it. She started to laugh though, but it wasn't a flowing laughter. It was forced. My heart soared.
I pushed her away somewhat. My heart was aching to see the truth in her eyes. There were questions in her eyes and she was scared. I discovered all this as I slowly, softly probed her eyes. A goofy smile came to my face as I asked her "Would that be so bad?" I held her eyes as time just passed us by. She was afraid. Was she afraid of me? I knew I was surely afraid of her at this moment. I was afraid she'd leave me, banish me from her perfection forever. I said in a hushed tone, "Forgive me." Then I put my lips to hers barely touching them. I was too afraid that she wouldn't accept me to kiss her like I really wanted to, but there was such a spark from the soft touch, I hadn't sense enough to deepen the kiss after she didn't reject me. I felt her hand at my neck pulling me to her. I felt her body mold to mine. I felt her. I felt her kiss me. I wanted more of her perfect kisses. I'd surely die without them. After tasting her perfection I only craved more. It was then that Pan became the right woman, the only woman, for me.
That kiss started my life. Prior to that perfect kiss, I was on pause. That kiss started my life with my perfect Pan. But still as she pulled away I saw something in her eyes. Something that was less than perfect, something that was never to be in any way affiliated with Pan, my perfect Pan. Funny how we hide our true selves in fear of actually being discovered and judged for what we really are. Funny how one woman can jump to being so many kinds of women in a matter of minutes. Still she as she changed into all those different women she always remained my perfect Pan, didn't she? Pan taught me a lot of lessons, but how to be perfect was never one of them.