Title: Everything
Rating: PG
Spoilers: It's post 11.02. So some spoilers, not much that you didn't see coming. If you haven't read spoilers yet, but want to know what happens in 11.01 and 11.02, they are posted in Author's note. Most will be explained in the story though.
Summary:Kem leaves Carter, and so he has a hard time. Abby tries to help, but he runs back to Africa. She follows.
Disclaimer: I own nothing, all NBC.
Author's Note: No spoilers were known for 11.03 when this was written, so far, in 11.01 and 11.02, Carter proposes to Kem, she says no, and goes back to Africa. He starts to drink, and Abby and Luka offer to help. Carter turns them down. This came to me as a random thought, so let me know if it works. Please Read and Review!
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Chapter 1: Difference of a Year
Carter stood on the roof. Breathing in the cold air around him, letting it fill his lungs. The crisp cold air burning his throat, but refreshing him. Watching the puffs his breath were making in the air, rising a little and slowly disappearing, slowly becoming invisible.
Carter stood there watching the stars, stretching for what seemed like forever, enveloping him, up there on the roof, he knew he was alone, but it didn't matter. He felt alone in crowds, watching the faces pass by him, knowing he would probably never see these people again. Their lives, so different from his, some knowing no pain, some knowing too much.
But out here, he could breath, he could think. The coldness of their always seemed to refresh him, pull him out of his shell. It aloud him to think clearly, without being clouded by pain and grief.
He still grieved, but out here, things were clearer. He could piece things together, take them apart in his mind, he could remember, he could think, he could cry.
How much of a difference a year had made, and yet none at all. He felt many ways the same he had a year ago. His life was falling apart, he had lost someone he loved, last year Gamma, this year, his son. He had lost two women. Though the woman were so different, he didn't even think he could compare them. They were as different as black and white. He loved one, he only thought he loved the other.
Kem, an exotic island beauty. Happy, exuberant, bubbling with joy and laughter. Caring for everyone and anyone. Always busy, busy with her AIDS program. She never really liked Chicago, but always looking to please, so she stayed for me.
Then there was Abby. What is there to say about Abby. Smart, sarcastic, beautiful, wonderful, filled with self-doubt. She always had a hard time, with everything. And yet, no matter how imperfect she was, no matter how perfect Kem seemed, Carter couldn't help but be drawn to Abby. Just as he always had.
He couldn't explain it, it had always been like this. He always felt like there was more to discover in the layers she kept hidden, things he didn't know. Carter feasted on the secrets that she gave him, leaving him desperate for more. He wanted to examine every inch or her, know everything about her, her every movement and thought, her secrets, her life. He didn't know why, but he just couldn't stay away.
He ran to escape, he ran because he couldn't deal with everything that faced him. So he ran to Africa. There things seemed clear, people were suffering, he could help them. But Africa had clouded his mind, making him believe things that weren't real. When he came back the first time, he thought things would be better. They weren't, Abby was mad at him for leaving, he was mad that things were the same as when he first left. Then he left again, because of Luka. It was an excuse to go back, a good one. There, things were easy again, there things made sense. It was like a dream land, he met a island queen, and she was so different. Different than anything he had ever known. Different than Abby in every way, he couldn't stay not take that chance. That idea that came to his mind, saying that with Kem, Abby would dissapear. She was so differen, he woul forget all about her.
It's amazing how he latched onto that, the idea that she was the opposite of everything he had ever known, so she could save him. That was what he believed, and as much as she filled his thoughts, so would Abby. At night mostly, he would dream of her. They were dreams of her, watching her just walk, or talk or move, sometime he kissed her in the dreams, then he would wake up suddenly. He would sit, looking out at the night, wondering what she was doing until Kem would wake up, because of his absence, and pull him back to bed.
The baby, that was a complete mistake. But Carter latched onto this new idea of him being a father. It revitalized him. Pushed Abby from his mind, he had something to look forward to. And Kem being the mother, suddenly she was the woman of his dreams.
When he returned, nothing could touch him, because of the perfect little bubble he had around him. A happy family, it was perfect. Because of the bubble, he missed all the signs. The signs saying that Kem wasn't happy, she didn't like the states. She was restless. Maybe she loved Carter, but not as much as he liked to imagine she did.
Then the baby died, and this bubble around him, it popped. It was gone, and suddenly everything became real again. He had never gotten over Gamma, or Abby. All around him, it all seemed fake. He came home to a woman, who grieved, but he couldn't comfort her, she couldn't comfort him either. He knew now, she wasn't happy, and she hadn't really been. She didn't want to be a mother, as much as he thought she had.
It was all fake, he realized, his whole world. Then Kem left, that didn't surprise him though. She couldn't stay, he didn't really want to be with her anymore either.
One thing always stood out for him though, there wasn't much to remind him of the past year, the absence of Kem and the baby made it as if it was only a dream. Gamma's absence was there though and Abby was there, the biggest mistake he ever made. Looking back now, he would have never gone. He would have never left her, he would not have to be dealing with two losses now. He would have her, Abby.
If only, he hadn't left. If only, those are the only two words that seemed to have any importance lately. If only I hadn't let her go, those are the only words that keep running through Carter's head.
Rating: PG
Spoilers: It's post 11.02. So some spoilers, not much that you didn't see coming. If you haven't read spoilers yet, but want to know what happens in 11.01 and 11.02, they are posted in Author's note. Most will be explained in the story though.
Summary:Kem leaves Carter, and so he has a hard time. Abby tries to help, but he runs back to Africa. She follows.
Disclaimer: I own nothing, all NBC.
Author's Note: No spoilers were known for 11.03 when this was written, so far, in 11.01 and 11.02, Carter proposes to Kem, she says no, and goes back to Africa. He starts to drink, and Abby and Luka offer to help. Carter turns them down. This came to me as a random thought, so let me know if it works. Please Read and Review!
--------------------------------------
Chapter 1: Difference of a Year
Carter stood on the roof. Breathing in the cold air around him, letting it fill his lungs. The crisp cold air burning his throat, but refreshing him. Watching the puffs his breath were making in the air, rising a little and slowly disappearing, slowly becoming invisible.
Carter stood there watching the stars, stretching for what seemed like forever, enveloping him, up there on the roof, he knew he was alone, but it didn't matter. He felt alone in crowds, watching the faces pass by him, knowing he would probably never see these people again. Their lives, so different from his, some knowing no pain, some knowing too much.
But out here, he could breath, he could think. The coldness of their always seemed to refresh him, pull him out of his shell. It aloud him to think clearly, without being clouded by pain and grief.
He still grieved, but out here, things were clearer. He could piece things together, take them apart in his mind, he could remember, he could think, he could cry.
How much of a difference a year had made, and yet none at all. He felt many ways the same he had a year ago. His life was falling apart, he had lost someone he loved, last year Gamma, this year, his son. He had lost two women. Though the woman were so different, he didn't even think he could compare them. They were as different as black and white. He loved one, he only thought he loved the other.
Kem, an exotic island beauty. Happy, exuberant, bubbling with joy and laughter. Caring for everyone and anyone. Always busy, busy with her AIDS program. She never really liked Chicago, but always looking to please, so she stayed for me.
Then there was Abby. What is there to say about Abby. Smart, sarcastic, beautiful, wonderful, filled with self-doubt. She always had a hard time, with everything. And yet, no matter how imperfect she was, no matter how perfect Kem seemed, Carter couldn't help but be drawn to Abby. Just as he always had.
He couldn't explain it, it had always been like this. He always felt like there was more to discover in the layers she kept hidden, things he didn't know. Carter feasted on the secrets that she gave him, leaving him desperate for more. He wanted to examine every inch or her, know everything about her, her every movement and thought, her secrets, her life. He didn't know why, but he just couldn't stay away.
He ran to escape, he ran because he couldn't deal with everything that faced him. So he ran to Africa. There things seemed clear, people were suffering, he could help them. But Africa had clouded his mind, making him believe things that weren't real. When he came back the first time, he thought things would be better. They weren't, Abby was mad at him for leaving, he was mad that things were the same as when he first left. Then he left again, because of Luka. It was an excuse to go back, a good one. There, things were easy again, there things made sense. It was like a dream land, he met a island queen, and she was so different. Different than anything he had ever known. Different than Abby in every way, he couldn't stay not take that chance. That idea that came to his mind, saying that with Kem, Abby would dissapear. She was so differen, he woul forget all about her.
It's amazing how he latched onto that, the idea that she was the opposite of everything he had ever known, so she could save him. That was what he believed, and as much as she filled his thoughts, so would Abby. At night mostly, he would dream of her. They were dreams of her, watching her just walk, or talk or move, sometime he kissed her in the dreams, then he would wake up suddenly. He would sit, looking out at the night, wondering what she was doing until Kem would wake up, because of his absence, and pull him back to bed.
The baby, that was a complete mistake. But Carter latched onto this new idea of him being a father. It revitalized him. Pushed Abby from his mind, he had something to look forward to. And Kem being the mother, suddenly she was the woman of his dreams.
When he returned, nothing could touch him, because of the perfect little bubble he had around him. A happy family, it was perfect. Because of the bubble, he missed all the signs. The signs saying that Kem wasn't happy, she didn't like the states. She was restless. Maybe she loved Carter, but not as much as he liked to imagine she did.
Then the baby died, and this bubble around him, it popped. It was gone, and suddenly everything became real again. He had never gotten over Gamma, or Abby. All around him, it all seemed fake. He came home to a woman, who grieved, but he couldn't comfort her, she couldn't comfort him either. He knew now, she wasn't happy, and she hadn't really been. She didn't want to be a mother, as much as he thought she had.
It was all fake, he realized, his whole world. Then Kem left, that didn't surprise him though. She couldn't stay, he didn't really want to be with her anymore either.
One thing always stood out for him though, there wasn't much to remind him of the past year, the absence of Kem and the baby made it as if it was only a dream. Gamma's absence was there though and Abby was there, the biggest mistake he ever made. Looking back now, he would have never gone. He would have never left her, he would not have to be dealing with two losses now. He would have her, Abby.
If only, he hadn't left. If only, those are the only two words that seemed to have any importance lately. If only I hadn't let her go, those are the only words that keep running through Carter's head.