Chapter 2: Always in my Dreams
"Where's Carter?" Abby asked Jerry. She was just ending her shift, and he was just starting, she needed to brie him on the patients she was passing on to him.
"I don't think he is here yet." Jerry said. Not really looking at her, but immersed in a game he was playing on the computer.
Abby knew that Carter was here though. She had seen him come in. About 20 minutes ago. He always came early and left late nowadays. Ever since Kem left. Not that she blamed him. She wouldn't want to go home to an empty house every day. She always did, but it was different for him.
Abby understood. When loosing a love, you hate to go home, finding yourself alone in an empty cold house. One that should be warm and filled with laughter and love.
Abby knew that only too well. Right after Carter left, she would have dreams, dreams of him, lying next to her. But when she rolled over to hug his sleeping body, she would wake up to find him not there. Her apartment seemed empty without him. Everything about it menacing because it was where she made the biggest mistake of her life and sent him away.
No, why must she always do this. Compare everything that happens to her with Carter. She does this all the time in her mind, but she hated it. That ended over a year ago, it's over, I am over him, she kept having to remind herself.
She hated the fact that he haunted her every thought. When he was gone, thats all she thought about. In medical procedures to dreams, what would Carter do here? or Where is Carter now, what is he doing? She didn't understand why she wasn't over this already. It had been a year almost. Well, at least a year since he left the first time. Not a full year since the letter though.
Oh, this was killing her. Everything pulling her back, making her remember. But she didn't want to remember, it was too painful. Remembering how she screwed up, remembering the mistakes she made, that she would give anything to redo. She hated having to remember these things, and every little detail.
She had to think of something else. She had to talk to someone, see someone. Think about something, anything. Unfortunately she had to talk to Carter. She had to tell him what was being passed onto him for the night shift.
She knew where to find him too. He was on the roof. The same place he had gone ever since Kem had left and he had started doing nights. She knew he was up there, but she never dared follow. No one did. Everyone worried though, what was he doing.
Abby feared more than anyone. Would he do anything stupid, like shoot up again, or worse, jump. No one really knew how Carter was coping. He didn't talk to anyone, except for Luka right at the beginning, who wouldn't tell a soul what Carter had said to him. All he talked to anyone about now was medically related. Not a word more or less.
Abby watched him, he was leaning on the railing, just looking up. She had gone up to the roof. She needed to talk to him, she needed to do something. She felt like she might be able to get him to talk, given their history. Not their relationship history, their friendship history. Even though it had been a while, a long while since they really talked, she thought she would try.
He was leaning on the railing, just looking up at the sky. Watching his breath and the stars. He didn't react, or even move a muscle so she didn't know if he had heard her come up.
"Hey." Abby said.
Carter turned his head, but didn't respond. He looked down now, seeming completely interested in the piece of roof he was staring at.
Abby stood there, not really knowing what to do. What should she do, would he leave if she walked to him? Standing there however wasn't do a thing either, so she walked up to him.
He made no movement, no change. Abby leaned on the railing next to him, looking down too, to where he was staring. He wasn't really looking at anything, she realized. He was just watching, waiting, wondering what she was going to do.
"Hey," She said again. Looking at him, hoping to get a response.
"Hi," Carter said, but not really seeming to be there.
"Are you trying to get frostbite? Because standing out here will do the trick." Abby ventured. Anything to get a response, he was in a way scaring her. The way he was acting.
Carter looked up at her. Only suddenly seeming to really realize that she was there. He also suddenly realized she was right. He was freezing.
"It is cold." Carter ventured.
"Why are you out here then?" Abby asked. Wondering not really for the cold, mostly because she wanted to know what he was doing.
"Nothing......" Abby sighed inwardly. She wished he would tell her. She wanted to know.
"Nothing really," Carter went on. "I was just thinking.
"About what?" Abby could venture a guess. He was probably thinking about Kem, or the baby.
"Africa," Abby sighed, she was figured it was something like that. But he didn't sound completely truthful, Abby noticed.
"I am thinking about going back." Carter said again.
"Where's Carter?" Abby asked Jerry. She was just ending her shift, and he was just starting, she needed to brie him on the patients she was passing on to him.
"I don't think he is here yet." Jerry said. Not really looking at her, but immersed in a game he was playing on the computer.
Abby knew that Carter was here though. She had seen him come in. About 20 minutes ago. He always came early and left late nowadays. Ever since Kem left. Not that she blamed him. She wouldn't want to go home to an empty house every day. She always did, but it was different for him.
Abby understood. When loosing a love, you hate to go home, finding yourself alone in an empty cold house. One that should be warm and filled with laughter and love.
Abby knew that only too well. Right after Carter left, she would have dreams, dreams of him, lying next to her. But when she rolled over to hug his sleeping body, she would wake up to find him not there. Her apartment seemed empty without him. Everything about it menacing because it was where she made the biggest mistake of her life and sent him away.
No, why must she always do this. Compare everything that happens to her with Carter. She does this all the time in her mind, but she hated it. That ended over a year ago, it's over, I am over him, she kept having to remind herself.
She hated the fact that he haunted her every thought. When he was gone, thats all she thought about. In medical procedures to dreams, what would Carter do here? or Where is Carter now, what is he doing? She didn't understand why she wasn't over this already. It had been a year almost. Well, at least a year since he left the first time. Not a full year since the letter though.
Oh, this was killing her. Everything pulling her back, making her remember. But she didn't want to remember, it was too painful. Remembering how she screwed up, remembering the mistakes she made, that she would give anything to redo. She hated having to remember these things, and every little detail.
She had to think of something else. She had to talk to someone, see someone. Think about something, anything. Unfortunately she had to talk to Carter. She had to tell him what was being passed onto him for the night shift.
She knew where to find him too. He was on the roof. The same place he had gone ever since Kem had left and he had started doing nights. She knew he was up there, but she never dared follow. No one did. Everyone worried though, what was he doing.
Abby feared more than anyone. Would he do anything stupid, like shoot up again, or worse, jump. No one really knew how Carter was coping. He didn't talk to anyone, except for Luka right at the beginning, who wouldn't tell a soul what Carter had said to him. All he talked to anyone about now was medically related. Not a word more or less.
Abby watched him, he was leaning on the railing, just looking up. She had gone up to the roof. She needed to talk to him, she needed to do something. She felt like she might be able to get him to talk, given their history. Not their relationship history, their friendship history. Even though it had been a while, a long while since they really talked, she thought she would try.
He was leaning on the railing, just looking up at the sky. Watching his breath and the stars. He didn't react, or even move a muscle so she didn't know if he had heard her come up.
"Hey." Abby said.
Carter turned his head, but didn't respond. He looked down now, seeming completely interested in the piece of roof he was staring at.
Abby stood there, not really knowing what to do. What should she do, would he leave if she walked to him? Standing there however wasn't do a thing either, so she walked up to him.
He made no movement, no change. Abby leaned on the railing next to him, looking down too, to where he was staring. He wasn't really looking at anything, she realized. He was just watching, waiting, wondering what she was going to do.
"Hey," She said again. Looking at him, hoping to get a response.
"Hi," Carter said, but not really seeming to be there.
"Are you trying to get frostbite? Because standing out here will do the trick." Abby ventured. Anything to get a response, he was in a way scaring her. The way he was acting.
Carter looked up at her. Only suddenly seeming to really realize that she was there. He also suddenly realized she was right. He was freezing.
"It is cold." Carter ventured.
"Why are you out here then?" Abby asked. Wondering not really for the cold, mostly because she wanted to know what he was doing.
"Nothing......" Abby sighed inwardly. She wished he would tell her. She wanted to know.
"Nothing really," Carter went on. "I was just thinking.
"About what?" Abby could venture a guess. He was probably thinking about Kem, or the baby.
"Africa," Abby sighed, she was figured it was something like that. But he didn't sound completely truthful, Abby noticed.
"I am thinking about going back." Carter said again.