A/n: Well, y'all, it's almost over. You know those little convo hearts for Valentine's day? I'm eating a whole .75 pound carton of them. Only colors are green and white. They are so good!!! I love them! I'm listening to J.C. again. I just got back from spring break at my Grandma's. It was pretty fun. Lot's of family and friends and what have you. "XOXO" as my new heart says! Read on!

Chapter 14: Losing You

(A/N: Based on JC's "Lose Myself" because it's my fav and I'm listening to it right now.)

Finally it was Friday! It had been such a terrible week. I was so glad that it was finally over. And I had seen Charlie in the hallway at school. HE'D COME BACK!

It was three o'clock when a pair of strong arms took a hold of me. I giggled while Adam spun me around in a huge circle.

"Would you stop it?" I wriggled free and threw my arms around his neck.

"Hey, you! Long time, no see." He pulled me close and kissed me.

"I know. I'm sorry. Family mini-crisis." I shuddered at the memory of the last few days.

"Are you and 'Captain Creep,'" he gestured to my notebook where I'd scribbled that on Monday, "talking now?"

I nodded my head vigorously. "Rickie, Chris, and I all had pizza Wednesday night. It was nice, just the three of us. And it gave Rickie and I enough time to apologize to each other. It was really great, you know?"

"Yeah, hanging with siblings can be great. Of course, it would be if they ever came home from college." Adam shook his head in mock-pain and smiled at me.

"You are terrible; did you know that?" I laughed as we walked down the hallway, our arms linked.

I felt like we were being watched. I turned my head around to see Chris and Rickie looking after us. They were urging me to tell Adam. I shook my head slightly and returned my attention to my boyfriend.

"So, are you doing anything tonight?" Adam asked casually.

"Studying," I responded, smiling.

"Hmm. What about tomorrow?"

"Going to watch TV with my boyfriend. Why?" I raised my eyebrow in mock questioning.

"Oh, no reason." Adam stopped walking and turned me toward him. "Would you like to skip out on your boyfriend and come with me?" He raised his eyebrows up and down.

"Oh, you rogue!" I shouted in a fake Thespian accent. "I couldn't ever betray my love, especially with such a foul mongrel." I ran from him.

"Alas, I meant no harm." Adam ran after me and caught me up in his arms as we tumbled to the ground. "But surely I can love thou far better than he can." He laughed as he leaned in and kissed me.

"Geez, you two, get a room!"

We looked up and saw Charlie standing over us grinning. Adam stood up first, his face like stone. Then he helped me up.

"Hey ya, Banksy. Hi, Lilly. How are you guys?" Charlie looked a little uncomfortable.

"I'm fine, Charlie. How are you?" I smiled warmly at him to try and make him feel better.

Charlie grinned back. "I'm doing okay."

"What the hell do you want?" Adam finally woke up and joined the land of the living.

"I just wanted to say I'm sorry. For everything." Charlie shoved his hands deep into his pockets. He looked back up at me. "How did JV do last night?"

I sighed. "They lost by five. What is up with them?"

Charlie shook his head. "No idea." He glanced over at Adam, who was still completely steel-faced. "Well, see ya." Then he walked away.

I turned to Adam and hit him. "What was that?"

He rubbed the spot on his arm where I'd hit him. "Ouch. I'm still a little mad, okay?"

"No, it's not. Go after him. He's still your friend." I pushed him the direction Charlie had just went in.

"No. I'll talk to him soon, okay?" He leaned toward my pouting face. "I promise."

My anger melted away. "Okay."

We walked to my dorm hand in hand. We talked about hitting the library together later and maybe going for a burger.

"Come on in. Randa's at Nick's place tonight." I opened the dorm's door and went in, dropping my bookbag on the floor. Adam dropped his stuff next to mine.

"Can I check my messages, baby?" Adam reached halfway toward the phone.

"Knock yourself out," I responded, plopping onto my bed while shoving an Oreo into my mouth.

I waited silently on the bed, thinking about what projects I really needed to do. I watched Adam. His face was grim as he hung up the phone.

"What's wrong?" I got off the bed and walked to him.

"Um, I gotta go. Something's come up. We won't be able to go out tomorrow." Adam grabbed his stuff and headed for the door.

"Wait just a minute!" I grabbed his arm and pulled him to me. "What's come up?" I looked deep into his blue eyes. There was so much hurt and sadness there. "You can tell me, hun," I said softly, snuggling into him and closing my eyes.

Adam folded me into his arms. I could hear him intake sharply and felt his tears hit my head.

"Hans died." He barely breathed the words before he collapsed into my shoulder, sobbing.

"Shhh, shhh, it's okay." I shook my head in understanding. He had been through almost as much as I had this year. I wasn't helping matters, either. I cleared my throat. "Um, Adam? I've got to-"

Adam stood up straight and wiped away his tears. "I'm sorry, Lilly. I've got to get going. The funeral's tomorrow. I'll see you later." He kissed me softly, almost in bemusement. Then he left.

"Damn!" I kicked the counter. "I should have blurted it out!" I threw a book at the door.

"Whoa, nelly!" Myranda ducked just in time to miss getting hit. "What's up with you?"

"Well," I started, leaning against the counter for support. "Both of my brothers know about the little plan we started, as does Adam's pal Charlie, and they all think I should tell Adam. I just tried to, but he's a little preoccupied."

"I noticed. He was pretty upset. What happened?" Myranda dropped her stuff on the floor and grabbed a handful of Oreos.

"Hans died. The funeral is tomorrow. That means I won't be able to tell him until Sunday. Which I won't do. Life sucks." I fell onto my bed.

"Tell me about it," Myranda said, lazily licking the icing off of a cookie. "Nick asked me where I'd like to go on a honeymoon. Like I'd marry him!" She winked at me and grinned devilishly.

"Shut up!" I threw a pillow at her. "I think Adam will dump me after I tell him."

Myranda shrugged. "I don't know. He's pretty infatuated with you."

I smiled. "Only one way to find out." I stood up and straightened my clothes. "Well, I've got to pack. I'm going home for a visit. I was leaving tomorrow, but since Adam has that funeral tomorrow, I might as well have Rickie take me home today with him and Chris."

I packed my stuff quickly. Then I called and left a message at Adam's, to let him know where I was and all that junk. Finally, I hugged Myranda and dialed up my oldest brother.

The three of us sang along to the radio all the way to our big home on the edge of St. Paul. We pulled into the long driveway. I jumped out of the car and raced up the stone steps.

"Mommy! Dad! We're here!" I said as I ran into the marble foyer.

"Is that my little Lilly!" My mother shrieked in delight, jogging from the conservatory. "Oh sweetie! It's so good to see you!" She grabbed me in a hug.

"Lillian." My father entered from the den on my right. He gave me a quick, cold hug.

"Hey, Mom. Dad." Chris came in and pulled Mom into a huge hug, then shook Dad's hand.

Rick came in carrying my bags. "Hi, Mom." He nodded in her direction and she nodded back coolly. "Hi ya, Dad!" He shook Dad's hand and Dad patted him on the back.

We stood there in an uncomfortable silence for a moment.

"Well, Lilly, darling. Let's get you unpacked." Mom eagerly took some of my bags from Rickie and led me up to my room. When we were a good deal from the rest of the family, she whispered, "Are you all right, dear? Did Rickie hit you again?"

"No, Mommy. I'm fine. Rickie and I forgave and forgot." I shrugged it off and went into the bedroom.

"Are you sure?" My mom looked at me in matronly concern.

"I'm positive, mother. Don't be too hard on Rickie. He just lost his head. We're fine now." I hugged my mom again and began to unpack some clothes.

"So," my mom started, getting some clothes out of one of my suitcases. "What's this I hear about you dating Rickie's friend, Adam?"

I stood straight up and turned beet red. "Well, we've gone out a few times and we're close, but I don't know if dating is the right word."

"Uh-huh. Sweetheart, I may have been born in the day, but I was not born yesterday. You two are a quote-unquote item, and don't bother denying it." My mom had that all-knowing gleam in her eyes.

I grinned in spite of myself. I finished putting stuff away and my mother led me back downstairs. We were busy talking about one of my classes when Dad called for me in the den.

"Lillian, come here, please!"

I gulped and went into the room. "Yes, Daddy?"

"Sit down." He indicated to a chair and I sat. "I hear you've gotten rather close to a Duck. Is that true?"

I nodded slowly.

"Lillian! I thought for sure that you would know better! After all the stress they put Rick under and cutting Chris from JV, you would think you could just stay away. Why, Lillian?" He sat across from me, gazing at me sternly.

"Because, Daddy, I did it…" I looked away, ashamed to lie, but too scared to tell the truth. I felt the tears well up. "I suppose you want the truth?"

"Of course I want the truth!"

"Well," I paused, then jumped to my feet in slight anger. "I did it because I was always the center of Rickie's world. Chris and I were so close. Then the Ducks came to Eden Hall. They stole Rickie from me! They caused Chris to put a wall up that I couldn't get through! I wanted to make them pay. Not just that, I wanted to make Rickie and Chris pay, too. I thought if I got a Duck to fall in love with me, maybe Rickie would come back to the real world and Chris would open up." I was crying harder than ever before as I realized what a horrible thing I had try to do to all those innocent kids.

"If that is not the most selfish thing I've ever heard! Are you quite finished with that boy?" My dad stood up and looked right into my eyes.

"Well, you would know if it was the most selfish thing in the world wouldn't you, you self-absorbed git! And no, I'm not 'quite finished' with Adam! Not 'that boy!' Adam!" I ran out of the room to find Rick.

"LILLIAN! GET BACK HERE, YOUNG LADY!" My father was thundering mad.

I shook my head as I quickly threw all my clothes back into my bags. I grabbed them up and went to find Rick. I found him in his room.

"Rick! Take me back to Eden Hall. I have a project I forgot to finish." I stood in the doorway, tapping my foot to the floor impatiently.

"Uh-huh. And does this have anything to do with Dad's pissed off yelling?" He glanced up from his Sports Illustrated.

"Maybe," I grumbled. "Can we go, please?"

"Fine." Rick stood up and grabbed his car keys. "Let's go out the back."

Rick and I sneaked out the back door and ran around the side of the house to his car. We quickly climbed in and Rick careened out of the driveway on two wheels.

"Thanks, Rickie!" I said, sinking into the seat, relieved.

"No prob. What did you do?" He glanced at me then back at the road.

"I called him a self-absorbed git and told him it wasn't over with Adam," I said very softly.

"Whoa! He'll be ticked the rest of the weekend!"

I nodded as Rick pulled up to Eden Hall's main gate. "Thanks, babe."

"Again, no prob. See you Monday. Big away game." He winked at me and drove away.

*****

Monday started out rainy. It sucked. The only good thing was seeing Adam. It turns out that Coach Bombay had helped in reconciling Charlie and the rest of the team. Adam was ecstatic.

"You are coming to the game tonight, right?" Adam asked, plopping down in the seat next to me at lunch.

"I don't know if that's such a good idea." I grimaced.

"Why not?" Charlie sat down next to Myranda and smiled.

"My dad and I got into a huge fight this weekend. I cut my home visit short to come here and hide in the library." I sighed. "I don't want another confrontation."

"I know how you feel," Adam said. "I didn't want to confront Charlie again after he said I should go cry to my rich parents. Really scary!" He grinned at Charlie, who threw a straw wrapper at him.

*****

The rest of the day went by great. In the afternoon, the sun was shining and I decided to go for a walk. I kissed Adam good-bye and wished him good luck, then left campus.

An hour later, I opened my dorm door to see Adam sitting there, his head in his hands. He looked up at me as I walked in.

"Hey, you," I said softly and happily. "I thought you had a game tonight."

"I did. But I was too upset to go. I asked Coach Wilson if I could stay here." He stood up and walked right up to me. "Did you know the Board revoked our scholarships today?"

My eyes almost popped out of my head. "What?! They can't do that!"

"Obviously they can. Can and did." He shook his head in exasperation. "I don't believe my rotten luck."

I was absorbed in my thoughts. "He wouldn't just to spite me," I murmured. "Would he?" I looked into Adam's eyes.

"Who? Wouldn't do what?" He held onto my upper arms and peered back at me.

I laughed uncomfortably. "Nothing. It's not possible." Is it? I reconsidered. That's when I noticed the light blinking on the answering machine. "Hold on."

"Hi, you've reached Lil and Randa's. We can't answer the phone right now, so leave your name and digits after the beep and we'll get back to you as soon as possible. Choi." Beep. "Hi, Lilly. It's Mom. I just called to tell you your father has done something terrible to your young male friend. Call me back soon, dear and I'll explain it all. Bye."

"Oh, my God! He did! That dirty, old, almost bald, fat dung beetle! Ooh, I could just kill him!!" I turned to look at a bewildered Adam.

"Lilly, what's going on?"

"My dad. He got the Board to revoke your scholarships! That two-timing moron!" I yelled and threw things at the door.

"Whoa, calm down! Why would your dad do that?"

"You heard the message! To do something to get you away from me. He hates that I love you! What a jerk!" Then I remembered what I had done. "If only Randa and I hadn't went through with that plan." I shook my head, then covered my mouth in surprise.

"What plan, Lil?" Adam looked at me quizzically.

"Nothing." I waved his question away.

"Uh-uh. Talk. Now." He pulled me down to sit on the bed.

"You won't be too happy about this." I was trying to buy time.

"I don't care. Spill."

I sighed. "Okay, but you've been warned." I looked at him, so terribly depressed. "I've always had Rick's attention, right? You could say I'm a 'brother's girl.' Anyway, when the Ducks came to Eden Hall, I lost all of Rick's attention. I'd do anything desperate to get it back. So Myranda and I came up with a plan. I would get very close to a Duck and Rick would get so mad, he have to pay attention to me." I paused, seeing the realization enter Adam's eyes. "We picked you for the plan," I whispered in remorse.

"So, that was all a lie?" He looked like he was about to die. "It was a scam?"

"In the beginning," I began, trying hard to salvage the relationship. "But as I spent more time with you, I started to fall for you. I love you, Adam, I do." I reached out for him to hold me.

Adam stood up and went across the room to the door. "Why should I believe you? You lied to me, Lilly. It's over."

"Adam, no! Don't leave me, please. I can't be me now. I've lost myself in you. If you leave, I'll only be half a person. Please, forgive me." I ran to him and kissed him. I was crying harder than I ever thought a human being could.

Adam jerked away from me. "I don't care if you are only one-eighth of a person when I leave. I'm not staying with someone who used me. Bye, Lilly." Then he walked out the door.

"No, no, no," I whispered, collapsing onto the floor.

I've never felt vulnerable or weak before, not even when I was the center of Rick's attention. I hated the feeling. I felt like I'd never be able to walk again, like I was just a human suit.

I was sobbing so uncontrollably, I began to hyperventilate. I couldn't stop. The world began to become black, cold, and empty. Not that I was surprised. Without Adam, life seemed meaningless.

"Oh, my God," I heard Myranda scream. Then I welcomed the emptiness.

A/N: It's kind of hard to write heartbreak. I mean, I know the feeling, but it's hard to put into words. How was that? Bye, and R/R!! ~Nelli~