Author note: Ok, FYI, this is set in POA (if you hadn't noticed yet) and
this particular chap takes place after the scene in "FLIGHT OF THE FAT
LADY", where Harry has a chat with Lupin in his office, having been left
behind from the Hogsmede trip that day. So, anyways, on with the chappy, I
hope you like it :)
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Help Me Hurt You Chapter 3
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Remus Lupin closed his office door behind Harry, raising his hand in farewell to his receding figure. He sighed. Indeed there was no doubt, Harry was a strong boy. All this time he had assumed Voldemort would conjure the utmost terror in Harry, as it did for so many others, but no. Fear in it's own right was what made him crawl.
"So many responsibilities... pity it is he can't even let loose in Hogsmede today... and on Hallowe'en..." Remus mutterd to the empty room. He glared distastefully at the smoking goblet which had held his Wolfsbane potion.
"I can't even rinse out the after taste with a cup of tea... wait an hour before new consumption..." Remus continued to mutter unhappily as he attempted to grade a pile of 2nd year homework. Finally, he threw his quill down in frustration; the Wolfsbane was turning uncomfortably in his stomach, and began to busy himself around his office, closing shutters and picking up piles of parchment.
His office door creaked open behind him. Remus didn't notice until it banged shut, where he flew around full circle to face it, dropping the armful of books he had been holding to the floor. His jaw gaped open and he swaggered on his feet.
Sirius.
Sirius was standing infront of him.
In his office.
In the flesh.
No dream.
Remus could do nothing more then gawk at Sirius, his eyes wide with shock. Taking in his appearance, he new that he would have had a hard time figuring out that this, thing, was actually Sirius if it had not been for the wanted posters. He was not the man he remembered, fit and full of life. His hair hung in ling, greasy tendrils past his shoulders, his robes, ragged gray rags, torn and crudely mended by small knots of excess fabric in crucial places. His face, not lively and lightly tanned anymore, but sallow and nearly as gray as his robes. But worse, were his eyes; hallow and haunted. Their once deep blue was now overshadowed by a gray mist, making them seem detached and isolated from the natural world.
Remus felt like he could scream for an age if he looked into those dismembered orbs long enough.
"Si-si-sirius." It was hardly a whimper, hardly human speech, but Sirius must have heard this and understood it, for he stepped forward and croaked: "Yes. Me."
Remus noted through a haze of shock that Sirius seemed nervous and helpless, both by his croaked admittance that he was himself... and by his body movements, shifting lightly from side to side. "He's not here to kill me," Remus thought, "if he was, he would have said something more by now." Even through extreme shock Remus' rationality sang clearly. He regained some of his composure by the revelation that his life was not in danger, and was instead being filled with old, familiar rage. The murderer of his best friends was standing in front of him.
"What do you want?" Remus asked, the confidence in his tone much stronger then what he felt.
"I need to talk to you. I've needed to talk to you for a long time." Sirius said slowly.
"No you don't. Murderer. You killed everyone. You bastard. Get out of here. How dare you come here?" Remus was amazed by his own ability to keep his voice steady. It was taking everything to stop from screaming.
Sirius wasn't jilted by this at all. He simply continued on with what must have been a carefully practiced speech. "You have every right to say that. But it's not true. I alone have the truth. I and Peter."
At this, Remus lost his steadiness, "PETER? O YES! PETER HAS THE TRUTH! A WHOLE FINGER FULL! SINCE THAT'S ALL THAT'S LEFT OF HIM! THAT'S ALL YOU LEFT OF HIM! DON'T YOU REMEMBER? PETER IS DEAD! YOU KILLED HIM!"
"No." Sirius said quietly. "No, I didn't."
"YES YOU DID!" Remus felt like crying, he felt deep wells of sorrow billowing up inside him. So familiar was the feeling of rage and sorrow, battling each other within his tired body. But when it came down to it, it was all Sirius. No sorrow, no rage, just Sirius conducting different pains inside him. Well, here was Sirius. The conductor, the cause. The murderer. Wouldn't it be great to simply kill him right then? Beat him until he was nothing but a dead pulp? The conductor would be dead so the pain would be dead. The allure of this simplicity was so great Remus began to follow through with it:
"MURDERER!" he yelled out, as he ran at Sirius, armed only with his fists, and started pummeling him with all the strength he could muster.
This outburst of un-muddled aggression is what it finally took to shock Siirus, though it was only slightly apparent in his cold eyes. He allowed Remus to continue battering him more ten more seconds, before seizing his wrists. Remus immediately began to utilize his feet, kicking at Sirius from every angle. Sirius pushed him up against a wall, leaning his knees into Remus' thighs to stop his wild kicks.
"Let go of me." Remus said through gritted teeth, wriggling his wrists in Sirius' grasp. "Some one will come eventually. And you'll be good as Dementor Dinner."
"Yes, eventually. But today is a Hogsmede trip. That's why I came, I knew no one would be here. I had to tell you. I have to tell you. I'm innocent." There was a note of pleading in Sirius' voice. This made Remus wince. He remembered the days when Sirius could get anything out of Remus using his puppy dog eyes and pleading tone. But this pleading was too unlike that of old Padfoot's to be anything but an alien echo in Remus' head. It made him feel sick and even more enraged.
"I hate you." Remus spat out, not fighting against Sirius' restraints anymore. He knew, somewhere knew, Sirius didn't want to kill him. Wouldn't kill him, unless he had to. This gave Remus an odd feeling of power, edged on by his rage and self disgust, he nearly felt invincible. He could knee Sirius in the crotch and not even think on the fact that the man had killed fifteen innocent people, and was roughly half a foot taller then him and double his strength.
Sirius looked deep into Remus' eyes. Sadness etched in every dash of his iris'. So much like Remus' own. Did he have a haunted look like that as well? Perhaps but that didn't matter because he wasn't like him, he was-
Then, Sirius did the unthinkable and kissed him.
Remus' sense of immortality was dashed away by the first second Sirius' lips touched his own. With it went his strength and his anger, to be replaced by an overwhelming wave of of helplessness. He was letting Sirius kiss him. The man who killed everyone he cared for was violating him. And he was letting him, because he still loved him. Remus burst into tears.
Sirius pulled away as he felt the wetness of Remus' tears hit his sallow skin. He let go of his grip on his wrists and backed away quickly. Remus slid down the stone wall of his office and slid into a silently heaving heap on the floor.
"Get out." Remus choked. "Get out and never come back. I hate you. Get out."
Sirius stared at the quivering Remus. He looked as if he desperately wanted to comfort him, console him, somehow, but thought better of it. He opened his mouth, as if to say something pertinent, or perhaps comforting, when Remus repeated himself, his voice stronger this time. "Get out."
Sirius yanked the door opened and melted into the black dog in mid stride out of the office, leaving Remus to sort out his pain and confusion, quivering in a fetal position, as he bounded through the castle and tore across the grounds, blaming Peter for making this happen to him and Remus, thinking none to rashly and ready to do something drastic...
~*~*~*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ So, what do you think? Please review... I'll only update if this story isn't considered carp.
Help Me Hurt You Chapter 3
*********************************************************************
Remus Lupin closed his office door behind Harry, raising his hand in farewell to his receding figure. He sighed. Indeed there was no doubt, Harry was a strong boy. All this time he had assumed Voldemort would conjure the utmost terror in Harry, as it did for so many others, but no. Fear in it's own right was what made him crawl.
"So many responsibilities... pity it is he can't even let loose in Hogsmede today... and on Hallowe'en..." Remus mutterd to the empty room. He glared distastefully at the smoking goblet which had held his Wolfsbane potion.
"I can't even rinse out the after taste with a cup of tea... wait an hour before new consumption..." Remus continued to mutter unhappily as he attempted to grade a pile of 2nd year homework. Finally, he threw his quill down in frustration; the Wolfsbane was turning uncomfortably in his stomach, and began to busy himself around his office, closing shutters and picking up piles of parchment.
His office door creaked open behind him. Remus didn't notice until it banged shut, where he flew around full circle to face it, dropping the armful of books he had been holding to the floor. His jaw gaped open and he swaggered on his feet.
Sirius.
Sirius was standing infront of him.
In his office.
In the flesh.
No dream.
Remus could do nothing more then gawk at Sirius, his eyes wide with shock. Taking in his appearance, he new that he would have had a hard time figuring out that this, thing, was actually Sirius if it had not been for the wanted posters. He was not the man he remembered, fit and full of life. His hair hung in ling, greasy tendrils past his shoulders, his robes, ragged gray rags, torn and crudely mended by small knots of excess fabric in crucial places. His face, not lively and lightly tanned anymore, but sallow and nearly as gray as his robes. But worse, were his eyes; hallow and haunted. Their once deep blue was now overshadowed by a gray mist, making them seem detached and isolated from the natural world.
Remus felt like he could scream for an age if he looked into those dismembered orbs long enough.
"Si-si-sirius." It was hardly a whimper, hardly human speech, but Sirius must have heard this and understood it, for he stepped forward and croaked: "Yes. Me."
Remus noted through a haze of shock that Sirius seemed nervous and helpless, both by his croaked admittance that he was himself... and by his body movements, shifting lightly from side to side. "He's not here to kill me," Remus thought, "if he was, he would have said something more by now." Even through extreme shock Remus' rationality sang clearly. He regained some of his composure by the revelation that his life was not in danger, and was instead being filled with old, familiar rage. The murderer of his best friends was standing in front of him.
"What do you want?" Remus asked, the confidence in his tone much stronger then what he felt.
"I need to talk to you. I've needed to talk to you for a long time." Sirius said slowly.
"No you don't. Murderer. You killed everyone. You bastard. Get out of here. How dare you come here?" Remus was amazed by his own ability to keep his voice steady. It was taking everything to stop from screaming.
Sirius wasn't jilted by this at all. He simply continued on with what must have been a carefully practiced speech. "You have every right to say that. But it's not true. I alone have the truth. I and Peter."
At this, Remus lost his steadiness, "PETER? O YES! PETER HAS THE TRUTH! A WHOLE FINGER FULL! SINCE THAT'S ALL THAT'S LEFT OF HIM! THAT'S ALL YOU LEFT OF HIM! DON'T YOU REMEMBER? PETER IS DEAD! YOU KILLED HIM!"
"No." Sirius said quietly. "No, I didn't."
"YES YOU DID!" Remus felt like crying, he felt deep wells of sorrow billowing up inside him. So familiar was the feeling of rage and sorrow, battling each other within his tired body. But when it came down to it, it was all Sirius. No sorrow, no rage, just Sirius conducting different pains inside him. Well, here was Sirius. The conductor, the cause. The murderer. Wouldn't it be great to simply kill him right then? Beat him until he was nothing but a dead pulp? The conductor would be dead so the pain would be dead. The allure of this simplicity was so great Remus began to follow through with it:
"MURDERER!" he yelled out, as he ran at Sirius, armed only with his fists, and started pummeling him with all the strength he could muster.
This outburst of un-muddled aggression is what it finally took to shock Siirus, though it was only slightly apparent in his cold eyes. He allowed Remus to continue battering him more ten more seconds, before seizing his wrists. Remus immediately began to utilize his feet, kicking at Sirius from every angle. Sirius pushed him up against a wall, leaning his knees into Remus' thighs to stop his wild kicks.
"Let go of me." Remus said through gritted teeth, wriggling his wrists in Sirius' grasp. "Some one will come eventually. And you'll be good as Dementor Dinner."
"Yes, eventually. But today is a Hogsmede trip. That's why I came, I knew no one would be here. I had to tell you. I have to tell you. I'm innocent." There was a note of pleading in Sirius' voice. This made Remus wince. He remembered the days when Sirius could get anything out of Remus using his puppy dog eyes and pleading tone. But this pleading was too unlike that of old Padfoot's to be anything but an alien echo in Remus' head. It made him feel sick and even more enraged.
"I hate you." Remus spat out, not fighting against Sirius' restraints anymore. He knew, somewhere knew, Sirius didn't want to kill him. Wouldn't kill him, unless he had to. This gave Remus an odd feeling of power, edged on by his rage and self disgust, he nearly felt invincible. He could knee Sirius in the crotch and not even think on the fact that the man had killed fifteen innocent people, and was roughly half a foot taller then him and double his strength.
Sirius looked deep into Remus' eyes. Sadness etched in every dash of his iris'. So much like Remus' own. Did he have a haunted look like that as well? Perhaps but that didn't matter because he wasn't like him, he was-
Then, Sirius did the unthinkable and kissed him.
Remus' sense of immortality was dashed away by the first second Sirius' lips touched his own. With it went his strength and his anger, to be replaced by an overwhelming wave of of helplessness. He was letting Sirius kiss him. The man who killed everyone he cared for was violating him. And he was letting him, because he still loved him. Remus burst into tears.
Sirius pulled away as he felt the wetness of Remus' tears hit his sallow skin. He let go of his grip on his wrists and backed away quickly. Remus slid down the stone wall of his office and slid into a silently heaving heap on the floor.
"Get out." Remus choked. "Get out and never come back. I hate you. Get out."
Sirius stared at the quivering Remus. He looked as if he desperately wanted to comfort him, console him, somehow, but thought better of it. He opened his mouth, as if to say something pertinent, or perhaps comforting, when Remus repeated himself, his voice stronger this time. "Get out."
Sirius yanked the door opened and melted into the black dog in mid stride out of the office, leaving Remus to sort out his pain and confusion, quivering in a fetal position, as he bounded through the castle and tore across the grounds, blaming Peter for making this happen to him and Remus, thinking none to rashly and ready to do something drastic...
~*~*~*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ So, what do you think? Please review... I'll only update if this story isn't considered carp.