A/N: Here is chapter five. This fic is growing beyond my control... what was
first meant to be a one shot song fic has turned into my longest chaptered
fic yet! Oy! I hope you enjoy this as much as I enjoyed writing it.
Help Me Hurt You
Chapter 5
Remus smiled.
He laughed at Flitiwick's jokes. He conversed with Madam Pomfrey. He thanked Snape for the Wolfsbane. He was jovial with Sir Nicholas. He set up next week's lesson plan. He chatted with Hagrid. He tidied up his office.
But most importantly he smiled.
After Sirius had left him sobbing on the floor, he had gathered himself up and attempted to climb the stairs to his bed chamber. He found out the hard way that his legs had turned to sacks of loose sand after having them collapse beneath him, letting him plummet back down onto the landing with a large thud.
With a bruised back and a wounded heart beyond repair, he had curled up into fetal position like an infant and sobbed harder than he had since his first full moon transformation.
After his tears were spent and his eyes were sore and his throat was raw, he lay on the floor, still huddled like a scared child. Finally, he raised his shaky body, feeling angered by his display of weakness and disgusted by what had initiated it.
He felt dirty.
Now able to control his limbs more confidently, he embarked on his journey up the stairs and into his washroom. He disrobed and stepped into the basin, turning on the taps and immersing himself in the purifying liquid. He leaned his head against the shower wall, the cool tiles soothing his tear-hot face. As the water ran over him, the dirt began to recede to be replaced by a numb feeling Remus welcomed wholly.
He turned off the faucets, and stepped out of the shower, absently toweling himself dry as his mind wandered about in a forest of comforting darkness.
He dressed, stepping in front of the mirror to make sure that his sobs were not apparent on his face. There was no tell-tale redness or puffiness, but his expression could do with some work. He looked like a man who would never smile again, a man who had seen horrors beyond comprehension. His eyes were haunted. He looked like Sirius. Remus shuddered, glaring at his reflection.
"Fuck off." he said hoarsely to his reflection in a voice which didn't sound like his own at all.
Slowly, a disturbing grin crossed over his light features. The numbness increasing deliciously, he slowly forced the grin into a winning, natural smile. He was used to smiling when it was the last thing he wanted to do, and here was that useful talent coming to the rescue.
And so Remus headed down towards the Halloween feast, smiling and anesthetized.
O yes, Remus could smile. Even as he was decaying from the corners of his mouth down, he could smile.
After the Halloween feast, Remus desired nothing more than to drop into bed and wait for exhaustion to take him. He was still held gently in the arms of deadness, but he could feel it slowly slipping. He was almost certain that as soon as the thick blanket of numbness was stripped from him that he would have to scream, and he definitely didn't want to lose his composure and sanity in front of all these people.
Remus made his way deftly towards his office, weaving between the mulling students and hawk eyed professors. Hardly realizing how he had come to this point, he was standing in front of his office door. He opened it slowly, coming out of his daze slightly as the darkness of his office enveloped him. He stepped inside and shut the door behind him. His smile still remained on his face, now vaguely reminiscent of a grimace as he climbed his stairs blindly, aided only by a sliver of malevolent moonlight shining through a tiny break in his curtains. Now inside his bedroom, the grin faded at once, his eyes returned to their haunted, hollow look and his face transformed into a sorrowful mask. He sat stiffly at the edge of his bed, and stared hopelessly into the palms of his hands.
"O, G-d." he croaked softly. Everything was feeling much too real now, too vibrant and bright in the darkness of the room. The dull cry-ache behind his eyes throbbed, and a flare of pain shot up his back. A loud bang emanated from somewhere, but so sharp were his senses now that he assumed it was probably just a window shutting. The bang came again. And again. And again. The rhythm of it was fast and feverish. Finally, Remus' weary mind registered the sound and placed it for what it was: his office door. For a moment longer he stared at his hands, contemplating what good it would do to simply place them over his ears and hum until the caller went away. Had the knocking not been so vehement he would have ignored it entirely. Instead, he headed down his stairs and opened the door slowly.
Proffesor Flitwick stood in front of him, well, 4 feet below him, looking horribly shocked and nervous, wringing his hat between his fingers.
"Yes?" Remus asked gruffly
Flitwick hardly seemed put off by Remus' odd tone, instead, he plunged into what he had obviously thought was pertinent enough to disturb Remus in his office after the feast.
"Remus, thank Godric you're here!" he squeked, "There's huge trouble, all the teachers are needed in the Great Hall. We have to search the castle."
"What? What's happened?" Remus asked, his curiosity peaking from his shroud of apathy.
"Black!" Flitwick practically squeled, "Sirius Black is in the castle! He tried to get into Gryffindor Tower, he slashed up the Fat Lady's portrait. She's in a bad way." He finished sadly.
Remus was surprised that his knees hadn't buckled beneath him. If he hadn't been leaning on the door jam he was sure he would have. In one graceful wave he was once more overcome with a sheet of numbness as everything around him became tainted with surrealism.
"O no, I'll be there soon. Terrible, horrible." he heard himself say to Flitwick. Flitwick seemed to be satisfied with that and hurried off down the hall.
Remus shut the door, and took a step back inside. He caught site of himself in the mirror at the back of the door which had been set there when he had arrived in the office. He had never seen any reason to remove it, although now he wished he had as soon as he had moved to Hogwarts.
Again, he could see Sirius in his face.
"Fuck you," he repeated his reflection. His grin returned. It was the grin of a man who was unstable enough to chop off his left hand. Remus let the grin recede, but he couldn't help the smile which crept across his face. He knew it would be suspicious, but for the moment he didn't care all that much.
So Remus opened his office door and trod down the corridors to meet with the other Proffesors.
And he smiled.
A/N: Wow! I'm sooo proud right now! I wrote 2 chaps to this in 2 days! Usually I'm a snail when it comes to updating... lol.. err.. sorry bout that. More chaps to come, if you'd like.... Annnnd if you'd review... hums a Bowie tune
Help Me Hurt You
Chapter 5
Remus smiled.
He laughed at Flitiwick's jokes. He conversed with Madam Pomfrey. He thanked Snape for the Wolfsbane. He was jovial with Sir Nicholas. He set up next week's lesson plan. He chatted with Hagrid. He tidied up his office.
But most importantly he smiled.
After Sirius had left him sobbing on the floor, he had gathered himself up and attempted to climb the stairs to his bed chamber. He found out the hard way that his legs had turned to sacks of loose sand after having them collapse beneath him, letting him plummet back down onto the landing with a large thud.
With a bruised back and a wounded heart beyond repair, he had curled up into fetal position like an infant and sobbed harder than he had since his first full moon transformation.
After his tears were spent and his eyes were sore and his throat was raw, he lay on the floor, still huddled like a scared child. Finally, he raised his shaky body, feeling angered by his display of weakness and disgusted by what had initiated it.
He felt dirty.
Now able to control his limbs more confidently, he embarked on his journey up the stairs and into his washroom. He disrobed and stepped into the basin, turning on the taps and immersing himself in the purifying liquid. He leaned his head against the shower wall, the cool tiles soothing his tear-hot face. As the water ran over him, the dirt began to recede to be replaced by a numb feeling Remus welcomed wholly.
He turned off the faucets, and stepped out of the shower, absently toweling himself dry as his mind wandered about in a forest of comforting darkness.
He dressed, stepping in front of the mirror to make sure that his sobs were not apparent on his face. There was no tell-tale redness or puffiness, but his expression could do with some work. He looked like a man who would never smile again, a man who had seen horrors beyond comprehension. His eyes were haunted. He looked like Sirius. Remus shuddered, glaring at his reflection.
"Fuck off." he said hoarsely to his reflection in a voice which didn't sound like his own at all.
Slowly, a disturbing grin crossed over his light features. The numbness increasing deliciously, he slowly forced the grin into a winning, natural smile. He was used to smiling when it was the last thing he wanted to do, and here was that useful talent coming to the rescue.
And so Remus headed down towards the Halloween feast, smiling and anesthetized.
O yes, Remus could smile. Even as he was decaying from the corners of his mouth down, he could smile.
After the Halloween feast, Remus desired nothing more than to drop into bed and wait for exhaustion to take him. He was still held gently in the arms of deadness, but he could feel it slowly slipping. He was almost certain that as soon as the thick blanket of numbness was stripped from him that he would have to scream, and he definitely didn't want to lose his composure and sanity in front of all these people.
Remus made his way deftly towards his office, weaving between the mulling students and hawk eyed professors. Hardly realizing how he had come to this point, he was standing in front of his office door. He opened it slowly, coming out of his daze slightly as the darkness of his office enveloped him. He stepped inside and shut the door behind him. His smile still remained on his face, now vaguely reminiscent of a grimace as he climbed his stairs blindly, aided only by a sliver of malevolent moonlight shining through a tiny break in his curtains. Now inside his bedroom, the grin faded at once, his eyes returned to their haunted, hollow look and his face transformed into a sorrowful mask. He sat stiffly at the edge of his bed, and stared hopelessly into the palms of his hands.
"O, G-d." he croaked softly. Everything was feeling much too real now, too vibrant and bright in the darkness of the room. The dull cry-ache behind his eyes throbbed, and a flare of pain shot up his back. A loud bang emanated from somewhere, but so sharp were his senses now that he assumed it was probably just a window shutting. The bang came again. And again. And again. The rhythm of it was fast and feverish. Finally, Remus' weary mind registered the sound and placed it for what it was: his office door. For a moment longer he stared at his hands, contemplating what good it would do to simply place them over his ears and hum until the caller went away. Had the knocking not been so vehement he would have ignored it entirely. Instead, he headed down his stairs and opened the door slowly.
Proffesor Flitwick stood in front of him, well, 4 feet below him, looking horribly shocked and nervous, wringing his hat between his fingers.
"Yes?" Remus asked gruffly
Flitwick hardly seemed put off by Remus' odd tone, instead, he plunged into what he had obviously thought was pertinent enough to disturb Remus in his office after the feast.
"Remus, thank Godric you're here!" he squeked, "There's huge trouble, all the teachers are needed in the Great Hall. We have to search the castle."
"What? What's happened?" Remus asked, his curiosity peaking from his shroud of apathy.
"Black!" Flitwick practically squeled, "Sirius Black is in the castle! He tried to get into Gryffindor Tower, he slashed up the Fat Lady's portrait. She's in a bad way." He finished sadly.
Remus was surprised that his knees hadn't buckled beneath him. If he hadn't been leaning on the door jam he was sure he would have. In one graceful wave he was once more overcome with a sheet of numbness as everything around him became tainted with surrealism.
"O no, I'll be there soon. Terrible, horrible." he heard himself say to Flitwick. Flitwick seemed to be satisfied with that and hurried off down the hall.
Remus shut the door, and took a step back inside. He caught site of himself in the mirror at the back of the door which had been set there when he had arrived in the office. He had never seen any reason to remove it, although now he wished he had as soon as he had moved to Hogwarts.
Again, he could see Sirius in his face.
"Fuck you," he repeated his reflection. His grin returned. It was the grin of a man who was unstable enough to chop off his left hand. Remus let the grin recede, but he couldn't help the smile which crept across his face. He knew it would be suspicious, but for the moment he didn't care all that much.
So Remus opened his office door and trod down the corridors to meet with the other Proffesors.
And he smiled.
A/N: Wow! I'm sooo proud right now! I wrote 2 chaps to this in 2 days! Usually I'm a snail when it comes to updating... lol.. err.. sorry bout that. More chaps to come, if you'd like.... Annnnd if you'd review... hums a Bowie tune