Chapter 12: A Much Needed Conversation
Walking quickly behind him, she managed to catch up with him.
"Hey Carter," She said quietly. She really wanted to talk to him, find out what was wrong, as well as just talk. Something they hadn't done in such a long time.
But Carter merly glanced back at her and scowled. He was kind of mad, why did she have to come. He asked him self why she had to be there. He wanted to forget, but she kept reminding him.
"Carter, what's wrong?" Abby was shocked, he seemed really mad at her, and she didn't know why.
"Why are you here Abby? Why did you come?" His question shattered the air around her. Making her look at him in shock, almost as if he didn't want her there.
"What?" She wasn't sure she had really heard him.
"Why are you here? Why did you come. The Abby I knew wouldn't have come. She didn't even come when her then boyfriend was here. Now there is no reason for you to be here. WHY DID YOU COME?
Abby looked at him, shocked. WHy had she come, she had come for Carter.
"I not that person anymore Carter, in case you hadn't noticed. I guess that perfect little family you had there clouded your mind, or else you would have noticed that long ago, when you came back with her.
Abby knew she shouldn't have said that. Bringing up Kem, not the best idea, but not much she could do now. Carter scowled at her, and turned to leave.
"Go ahead Carter, prove to be more of a hypocrite than you already have been. Don't drink Abby, don't smoke Abby, don't run Abby. Who's drinking now Carter, and smoking? Look who's running now Carter, look who's running now!" Abby yelled at his retreating back. Carter whirled around.
"You can't run from this Carter. Surely you learned this last time when you came back? When you came back and realized nothing had changed there. You can't heal here, because you don't have to think about it here. At least take it from someone who knows, you can't run from your problems." Abby voice had lowered as she watched him.
"Why did you come? WHy do you have to be here?" Carter was looking at her, just not even knowing what to think. She had called him on everything and he knew it. But he didn't want to accept it.
"I came for you Carter, I came because I couldn't let you run this time.
Carter just stared at her. He hated her for that, he felt as if she was coming to hurt him. It would have been almost as bad as if it were Kem standing in front of him now.
"Leave me alone Abby. Go back to Chicago.
"I am not leaving Carter. This time I am not giving up. I will not give up, because I know Carter. I know, I have never been more sure of something in my life. This place is not going to help you. You will forget only to come back and feel the loss all over again. You know this, you know it! Carter, no one will think less of you if you stop crying for your son. They all know that you miss him, but they will think less of you for running from it. You will never forget him, just as you will never forget your brother, but you keep living life. You have to. Coming here, you are just going to forget, and then when you come back, it will be the same all over again. You have to get over this, but you can't do that here! I am not saying leave Carter, because I know you wont do that. But I am here to make sure, this time, this time you will heal. Unlike with your Gamma.
"Don't talk to me about Gamma........" Carter started.
"You haven't gotten over her Carter. I know you haven't, so don't try to pretend that you have. This will be that same as when she died, you will come back and still wont be healed. Only this time when you come back, you wont have a prefect family to distract you from your pain. This time you will be dealing with three losses, instead of this one.
Abby had caught him, he knew she was right. He didn't want to deal with it though, he didn't want to have to, but there was one thing she was wrong about.....
"Two..." Carter whispered.
"What?" Abby asked him.
"Only two losses. With Kem it was mutual, it was time for us to let go.
"Oh," Abby said, looking at the ground now. Things were silent around them, all that could be heard was the sound of the wind in the trees. Looking up Abby was looking at the stars.
"I understand now why you came here." Abby said, "It really is beautiful.
"I should have never left you like that though. Not even telling you. I just, I took things out on you, I shouldn't have, I'm sorry.
"I know you are. I shouldn't have been such a bitch when you came back. But I didn't think you'd leave me right away again.
"Well neither did I.
"Yeah........." Abby said, as a loss for words.
"I am sorry about the letter......." He tried to finish, but when he said that Abby head shot up. She was staring at him, just staring.
Abby slowly shook her head and let out a snort of disgust.
"I really am sorry Abby.
Abby looked at him, tears stinging her eyes.
"The whole ER read that you know. They all knew I wasn't good enough for you.
"I never said that.
"You might have well said it Carter, because I don't know what to think of When we were just friends, it was safe. Maybe we even put each other on pedestals, I don't know. And then when we were finally together, it didn't become what either of us thought it would be. I didn't end up being what you expected, and you didn't end up being... sorry I am rambling'! That's what you wrote.
"Is that really what it said?" Cater sounded surprised, partly that Abby knew it so well, and partly that he had really said something like that.
"I should know. I read through that letter so much, I know the whole thing Carter. I spent days pouring over it, hoping that you didn't really mean what you said. Trying to catch something that made it seem like it was hard for you to write this. A tear, maybe a space where the writing changed a little. Maybe it was a different day. But there was nothing, it was almost as if you wrote without thought of feeling. As if you didn't care.
Abby was staring at him, not able to look away.
"I spent so long with that letter, hoping and praying that maybe there was something there I didn't see. I tried to analyze it, read between the lines. I did everything, to try and make it seem not real, maybe see that is wasn't true.
"I'm sorry Abby, I never meant that you were good enough for me. I never ever thought that.
"We just had to work to hard right?" He had written that too, "I didn't give you enough, I wasn't enough. How could you not have meant it, you implied it so many times in that letter." Abby looked at him.
"Why do you think that came back to such a different person? I thought I wasn't good enough, so I changed. I went back to school, I stopped drinking and smoking for real this time. I thought when you came back I could convince you that I was different, that I had changed, and then maybe you would want me again." Abby didn't know why she was explaining this, but she knew she had to.
"You still loved me?
"How could I not? You had been my life for the past year, my best friends for years before that. How could I not still love you, or care about you..... so I waited. But then, you came back.... with her.
Suddenly it hit Carter, how much that had hurt her. She didn't know that he had met her after he had sent the letter. He looked into her eyes at this point. He could have kicked himself, why hadn't he realized this before?
"I am sorry Abby. I really am.
"Don't be Carter. You found someone better. Thats just the way it works." Abby said, she no longer wanted to talk. So she turned around to leave, but she hadn't taken two steps before she felt a hand enclose upon her wrist, pulling her back.
Walking quickly behind him, she managed to catch up with him.
"Hey Carter," She said quietly. She really wanted to talk to him, find out what was wrong, as well as just talk. Something they hadn't done in such a long time.
But Carter merly glanced back at her and scowled. He was kind of mad, why did she have to come. He asked him self why she had to be there. He wanted to forget, but she kept reminding him.
"Carter, what's wrong?" Abby was shocked, he seemed really mad at her, and she didn't know why.
"Why are you here Abby? Why did you come?" His question shattered the air around her. Making her look at him in shock, almost as if he didn't want her there.
"What?" She wasn't sure she had really heard him.
"Why are you here? Why did you come. The Abby I knew wouldn't have come. She didn't even come when her then boyfriend was here. Now there is no reason for you to be here. WHY DID YOU COME?
Abby looked at him, shocked. WHy had she come, she had come for Carter.
"I not that person anymore Carter, in case you hadn't noticed. I guess that perfect little family you had there clouded your mind, or else you would have noticed that long ago, when you came back with her.
Abby knew she shouldn't have said that. Bringing up Kem, not the best idea, but not much she could do now. Carter scowled at her, and turned to leave.
"Go ahead Carter, prove to be more of a hypocrite than you already have been. Don't drink Abby, don't smoke Abby, don't run Abby. Who's drinking now Carter, and smoking? Look who's running now Carter, look who's running now!" Abby yelled at his retreating back. Carter whirled around.
"You can't run from this Carter. Surely you learned this last time when you came back? When you came back and realized nothing had changed there. You can't heal here, because you don't have to think about it here. At least take it from someone who knows, you can't run from your problems." Abby voice had lowered as she watched him.
"Why did you come? WHy do you have to be here?" Carter was looking at her, just not even knowing what to think. She had called him on everything and he knew it. But he didn't want to accept it.
"I came for you Carter, I came because I couldn't let you run this time.
Carter just stared at her. He hated her for that, he felt as if she was coming to hurt him. It would have been almost as bad as if it were Kem standing in front of him now.
"Leave me alone Abby. Go back to Chicago.
"I am not leaving Carter. This time I am not giving up. I will not give up, because I know Carter. I know, I have never been more sure of something in my life. This place is not going to help you. You will forget only to come back and feel the loss all over again. You know this, you know it! Carter, no one will think less of you if you stop crying for your son. They all know that you miss him, but they will think less of you for running from it. You will never forget him, just as you will never forget your brother, but you keep living life. You have to. Coming here, you are just going to forget, and then when you come back, it will be the same all over again. You have to get over this, but you can't do that here! I am not saying leave Carter, because I know you wont do that. But I am here to make sure, this time, this time you will heal. Unlike with your Gamma.
"Don't talk to me about Gamma........" Carter started.
"You haven't gotten over her Carter. I know you haven't, so don't try to pretend that you have. This will be that same as when she died, you will come back and still wont be healed. Only this time when you come back, you wont have a prefect family to distract you from your pain. This time you will be dealing with three losses, instead of this one.
Abby had caught him, he knew she was right. He didn't want to deal with it though, he didn't want to have to, but there was one thing she was wrong about.....
"Two..." Carter whispered.
"What?" Abby asked him.
"Only two losses. With Kem it was mutual, it was time for us to let go.
"Oh," Abby said, looking at the ground now. Things were silent around them, all that could be heard was the sound of the wind in the trees. Looking up Abby was looking at the stars.
"I understand now why you came here." Abby said, "It really is beautiful.
"I should have never left you like that though. Not even telling you. I just, I took things out on you, I shouldn't have, I'm sorry.
"I know you are. I shouldn't have been such a bitch when you came back. But I didn't think you'd leave me right away again.
"Well neither did I.
"Yeah........." Abby said, as a loss for words.
"I am sorry about the letter......." He tried to finish, but when he said that Abby head shot up. She was staring at him, just staring.
Abby slowly shook her head and let out a snort of disgust.
"I really am sorry Abby.
Abby looked at him, tears stinging her eyes.
"The whole ER read that you know. They all knew I wasn't good enough for you.
"I never said that.
"You might have well said it Carter, because I don't know what to think of When we were just friends, it was safe. Maybe we even put each other on pedestals, I don't know. And then when we were finally together, it didn't become what either of us thought it would be. I didn't end up being what you expected, and you didn't end up being... sorry I am rambling'! That's what you wrote.
"Is that really what it said?" Cater sounded surprised, partly that Abby knew it so well, and partly that he had really said something like that.
"I should know. I read through that letter so much, I know the whole thing Carter. I spent days pouring over it, hoping that you didn't really mean what you said. Trying to catch something that made it seem like it was hard for you to write this. A tear, maybe a space where the writing changed a little. Maybe it was a different day. But there was nothing, it was almost as if you wrote without thought of feeling. As if you didn't care.
Abby was staring at him, not able to look away.
"I spent so long with that letter, hoping and praying that maybe there was something there I didn't see. I tried to analyze it, read between the lines. I did everything, to try and make it seem not real, maybe see that is wasn't true.
"I'm sorry Abby, I never meant that you were good enough for me. I never ever thought that.
"We just had to work to hard right?" He had written that too, "I didn't give you enough, I wasn't enough. How could you not have meant it, you implied it so many times in that letter." Abby looked at him.
"Why do you think that came back to such a different person? I thought I wasn't good enough, so I changed. I went back to school, I stopped drinking and smoking for real this time. I thought when you came back I could convince you that I was different, that I had changed, and then maybe you would want me again." Abby didn't know why she was explaining this, but she knew she had to.
"You still loved me?
"How could I not? You had been my life for the past year, my best friends for years before that. How could I not still love you, or care about you..... so I waited. But then, you came back.... with her.
Suddenly it hit Carter, how much that had hurt her. She didn't know that he had met her after he had sent the letter. He looked into her eyes at this point. He could have kicked himself, why hadn't he realized this before?
"I am sorry Abby. I really am.
"Don't be Carter. You found someone better. Thats just the way it works." Abby said, she no longer wanted to talk. So she turned around to leave, but she hadn't taken two steps before she felt a hand enclose upon her wrist, pulling her back.