Moony

            My world changed the minute I heard that pounding on my front door in the middle of the night.  It awakened my abruptly, and my heart nearly jumped from my body.  In times of war, it doesn't take much to put me into a state of paranoia.

            I threw on a robe over my pajamas, because I suspected I might have to go out in public at a moment's notice, and ran to answer the door.  The people on the other side were already shouting at me angrily by the time I arrived.

            "Remus Lupin!  This is the Department of Magical Law Enforcement!  Open the door!"

            Although it could easily have been someone worse, the words filled me with dread, and my heart sank.  What could they possibly want?  I pulled the door open.

            "Mr Lupin, you're a known associate of Sirius Black.  Do you know where he is?"

            "Right now?"

            "Please cooperate, Mr Lupin."

            They were in no mood for stupid questions.  There were at least six of them, dressed in black, faces set in determination.  I tried to clear my head and not be intimidated by their official appearance, which reminded me of the Grim Reaper's attorneys.  The tallest of them all, a man with graying hair and a gaunt face, was addressing me.

            "I—I'm sorry, I don't know where he is, if he's not at home…"

            "He's not.  So he didn't inform you of any plans he had tonight?"

            "No…"

            "And he hasn't contacted you tonight?"

            "No…"

            "And you are willing to testify to that effect under Veritaserum?"

            "N—What?" The question threw me off.  "I mean, yes!  Yes, it's all true!  What's going on?"

            Instead of answering me, the man who had been speaking turned to his associates and said, "Dispatch forces back to the scene to search for evidence.  I'm going to continue this interrogation."

            The other men Disapparated in a volley of loud cracks, leaving me alone with their leader.  He stepped past me into my house, but of course I wasn't about to protest.

            "Mr Lupin, I have a few more questions for you."

            "Yes, of course, but can you please tell me what's going on?"

            "When we finish with this.  Right now, you are being considered a possible suspect."

            My heart changed state and location again, this time settling firmly in my chest and turning to ice.  It would not remain there for long.

            "Suspect?  For what?"

            "Just answer my questions.  You were a close personal friend of Lily and James Potter?"

            "Yes.  Wait…" Terror struck me.  "Were?  What happened?"

            "You knew their son as well, Harry Potter?"

            "Of course I know Harry!  Tell me what happened!"

            "And you knew they were under the Fidelius Charm?"

            "Yes!  What happened?"

            "Did they tell you who was their Secret Keeper?"

            "Sirius Black!  He's their best friend—"

            "When was the last time you were in contact with the Potters?"

            "I don't know… The day before they moved… A few days ago… Maybe three…"

            My mind would not focus.  I could only hear that phrase:  …were a close personal friend… Past tense.  No longer "are".

            "When was the last time you were in contact with Sirius Black?"

            "The same day!  We helped them pack!  What—"

            "Did they tell you where they were moving to?"

            "No, that's the secret Sirius is keeping…"

            "And you haven't seen or heard from any of them since?"

            Something in me snapped, as though the wolf had decided it wanted freedom more than once a month.

            "I ALREADY TOLD YOU THAT!  DAMN IT, TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED!"

            I reached for him, to grab his collar, but he was well-trained to deal with potential threats and I was stunned to find myself knocked off my feet by his spell.  Blasted backwards, I struck the wall of my living room and dropped to the floor in a heap, unable to lift my head.  The other man remained totally calm.

            "Apparently Sirius Black broke the Fidelius Charm."

            I snapped my head up to look at him.  "What?"

            "The Potters lived in Godric's Hollow.  We found their house destroyed less than an hour ago, having been called to the scene by…unusual magical activity."

            "What happened?"

            "He Who Must Not Be Named attacked the Potters."

            My head swam.  It couldn't be true, it simply couldn't be.  There couldn't be a world without Lily and James Potter in it.

            "They were murdered.  But…"

            There couldn't be anything to add.  Nothing else mattered.

            "…Harry wasn't."

            My head spun.  "He…wasn't what?"  I didn't want to misunderstand and have my only surviving hope shattered.

            "Wasn't murdered."

            The words choked out of me almost against my will.  "He's alive?  Voldemort didn't…"

            "He tried," the man interrupted me, visibly shaken by the mention of that name.  His fear annoyed me; was the sound of that name the worst thing he had faced today?  "But he failed.  That's all we know."

            For a long moment, I didn't know what to think or do or ask first.  Then I remembered Lily and James' wishes, if something had ever happened to them.  I blurted, "Sirius was supposed to… Where's Harry?"

            "Albus Dumbledore contacted us and said he was taking care of that situation."

            I wanted to ask more, but there was nothing else he could tell me.  Instead I cast around and asked shakily, "Peter.  What about Peter?"

            "We are trying to locate Mr Pettigrew."

            "Does he know yet?"

            "We have not yet contacted him, but he may."

            I realized I was still kneeling on the floor, and stood up.  "You'll tell me if you learn anything, won't you?  Right away?"

            "Actually, we're taking you into custody."

            "What?!  Why?"

            "We can afford no risks."

            So he handcuffed me, put an Anti-Disapparition Jinx on me, and led me outside.  I didn't resist.  What was the point?  What was the point in anything anymore, I wondered, consumed with grief, though rage was just beginning to penetrate it.

            Sirius… the traitor…

            We flew to the Ministry, arriving just as the sunrise began to bleed across the horizon.

            They took my through all the paperwork and processes involved in being placed under arrest, and I went without a fight.  I had nothing to fight for.  If they wanted to lock me up, why should I refuse?  If that was what it took to catch Sirius…

            But part of me didn't want him to be caught.  Part of me still couldn't believe that he had done this.  He would never do this.  This man would have slit his own throat before giving up James and Lily, I was sure of it.  Yet—he had betrayed us all.  There was no other explanation.

            When they removed my handcuffs and slammed the door to the holding cell shut behind me, I lost my grip.  I dropped to the floor again and sobbed.

            Time lost all meaning as I huddled there on the cold floor, racked with sobs, crying out in rage and loss.  The wolf in me emerged viciously, angry at the world, as the human in me screamed all the emotions too great to be put into words other than the same five names, over and over.  I wanted to hurt something, someone, for making all this happen to the people in the world who deserved it least.

            Finally, they came for me.  The news wasn't good.

            "Mr Lupin?  We have some…good news for you."

            The death glare I fixed him with must have put a severe dent in the ongoing werewolf rights campaign, but at that point I would have been willing enough to spend the rest of my days in oppression.  My suffering couldn't have gotten any worse.  I didn't even bother to address how inappropriate his use of the word "good" was, but to judge by the look of fear on the frail man's face and the fact that he had come escorted by two other men, I didn't have to; he was intimidated already.  Retrospectively, the Ministry officials could probably hear my raging from their offices on the floor above the holding cells.  They must have heard me screaming the names of my friends:  "JAMES! … SIRIUS! … PETER! … LILY! … HARRY! …"

            "We've decided to release you, since it is apparent that you played no part in the, er, dark events of the past twenty-four hours."

            I restrained myself from killing him only by not having a weapon or being an Animagus.

            "However, we also must inform you of some less pleasant news."

            I buried my face in my hands.  "What?  Sirius and Peter are dead now, too?"

            "Not exactly… You'll be pleased to know that we found Black and have him in custody."

            My heart lurched feebly.  Whether with joy or pain, I still don't know.  My emotions had all become so deadened with overuse that I couldn't distinguish one from the other.  I suddenly understood the old proverb that there is a fine line between love and hate.

            "Unfortunately, we were unable so apprehend him before he… managed to… commit further atrocities…"

            I swore, loudly and bluntly.  "Don't sugar coat it for me.  Do you think you can possibly have something worse to say than what I've already heard tonight?"

            Drawing a shaky breath, the man explained it all in a steady stream of almost monotone words.

            "Your friend Mr Pettigrew found Black before we did, cornering him in a Muggle street.  According to witnesses, Mr Pettigrew accused Black of betraying the Potters to Voldemort, and made a move to attack.  Black attacked first, and Mr Pettigrew and twelve Muggles all received the full force of the curse.  They are all dead.  Black seems to have been driven mad by the apparent downfall of his master, who, according to all evidence, was destroyed when he failed to kill young Harry Potter.  Black was taken straight to Azkaban prison."

            I was winded.

            There was nothing left but me, and nothing left in me.

            Suddenly I didn't want to leave the small, enclosed space of my cell.  I didn't want to be outside, alone in the world.

            When, a few hours later, I was, I felt very cold, as though my soul was no longer in my body to keep me warm.

            I spent much of that day outside.  When evening fell and the stars came out, I heard a young Sirius' voice echoing in my mind.

            "No, really, I'm a star in the constellation Canis Major, visible in the northern hemisphere during the winter months.  It's the brightest star in the night sky."

            It had just turned to November.  Would he be visible?

            "Well… I'm the evil twin brother of the founder of the Roman Empire."

            I was not evil, though so many were.

            I found Orion—one of Sirius' cousins, Bellatrix, is his shoulder—and followed his belt south east until I saw the one star that shone brighter than all the others.  Yes, Sirius couldn't be named after anything other than the brightest star in the sky.  Immortal… Brilliant… Higher than everything… Bigger and brighter even than the sun.  Like his mischievous and charming smile.

            What had gone wrong?  Why had everything changed?

            "Sirius…"

            He had always been there for me at school.  We joked about battling for the position of Alpha male, but it had always been his in everything, though I so often said that, as a Prefect, I deserved the title…

            "Why, Sirius?"

            I had thought he always would be here.  I could never have imagined anything tearing him away from his friends.

            "How could you, Sirius?  Weren't you our friend?"

            Underneath all the raw pain, a strange sensation rippled.

            "I hate you, Sirius," I said softly, "more than anything because I just can't bring myself to hate you.  I'm not like you.  I can never hate those I count as friends."

            For the next twelve years, I lived with my hatred of Sirius Black.

            Never for one moment did I hate him.